Money issues with husband

Discussion in 'Money Matters' started by ginigini, Jul 24, 2013.

  1. ginigini

    ginigini New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Me and my husband both work in US and earn almost equal and good enough. The problem is that he is so attached to his elder brother in India that even though he earns almost 70K per month in India, he wants my husband to buy house for him, and in doing that my husband sends almost all he earns already to India, and plus wants me to 'help' him. By help, he means I should also send all money to his brother because they all are also now my family. Agreed, but its insane to me to work day and night, stay modestly, not even able to cook food in a timely manner because of work, so that we can earn money for future. We don't have any savings, as money do not stay with us. If I say that let my money be with us, he says that you do not consider them as your family. what you want is just your husband. Worst part is, that his brother uses his own money for taking out policies, spending on luxuries on his family, and makes sure to entice my husband that what he is doing is right for future of his son (he has a 3 yr son) so that more money can be included from the amount set aside for his house which we are sending. He always books A/C car to travel anywhere, spending 5 times more than by train, reason being that his son is small. I always try to save money and travel by second-class train whenever I am in India. My husband spends no money on himself at all, he even eats $1 burger at office whenever I am not able to pack him lunch. My husband is a kind man, thats why I love him so much and married him despite my parents always opposing the marriage. (ours is a love marriage). The problem is his elder brother, who always try to sound pity of himself and his family, telling us that they have to spend so much on medicines and utilities every month, that they are hardly able to save. Well, he also left his old apartment and moved to a newer one saying that its close to work, but its also 2 times more the previous rent. I feel sad that my husband overlook all of his luxuries and expenses, and make me & himself live a sad life. Help is ok, but here there is no limit and no account. And he makes sure that he is choosing the high end flat in the most posh society, which will cost almost 1cr. And in that too, how the money can be saved if he is spending it so lavishly. Neither my husband nor his family thinks about our future. I will also leave my job in a 1-2 years time so that we can have a baby. And then even I will not be working. I feel very scared, when I think about the future. No savings, no policies, no planning. For my husband his priority is his brother's family and security and house because he has helped him with paying college fees in engineering.
    Another problem is that he also wants me to give the money which I have saved from before marriage, and is with my father. He says that now his father is my father, so he should get your money. This makes me so sick of him. He says that I should not put any of my USD money in my own account in India, because your father has access to your account, which now my father should have access to and if he needs any money, he should not ask your father to transfer. I feel so sad that he hates my family so much that he doesnot even wants that my any penny should go there, even though he knows that my father is rich enough, and will not take a penny from his daughter or son-in-law.
     
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  2. Vemala

    Vemala Gold IL'ite

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    Buying home for family members is not help. They will recognise your help when they are in need, not for creating luxury to them. 70K is more than enough in India to buy decent house.

    My sincere suggestion, Be Selfish on money matters.

    Help family in medical emergencies or etc. But dont buy luxury to others with your hard earned money....
     
  3. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    hi,
    you need to talk with hubby & tell him about your insecurities WITHOUT bringing in his brother or father & your father.tell him how insecure you feel without any savings etc & why you want to keep money with yourself(for baby).write down your points before talking to him .
    put a targets say X amount & tell him that we need to save this much before we send some money to India.

    as he loves you & is decent man i am sure he will try to bring comfort to you by agreeing to your condition.otherwise reach some compromise some where middle.........

    then after some days ask him to sit with you & discuss how much money does he think is enough to pay back to his brother for the college fees of your hubby.ask him how much has he already paid & agree to pay back the balance with interest..........
    if you end up paying few thousand extra & it helps you buy peace in your own married life then its worth it.
     
  4. Twinkel

    Twinkel Platinum IL'ite

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    Copy this post and paste it to mail him. Tell him this is what is worrying you. If he is really kind enough, he'll understand. Tell him, if he wants you to consider his family as your own, he has to start considering your family as own too. A relationship is all about give and take, not just give and give! By the way, 70k in India is decent earning and tell your DH that even his elder bro should start considering you both as family and he must start helping you both too! When you guys start expecting returns from them, they'll stop expecting from you.
     
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  5. ginigini

    ginigini New IL'ite

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    Thanks ladies for quick replies. Well, its super tough to talk to him on this. I tried to talk earlier a couple of times. The topic itself sparks uneasiness and ends up in quarrel. His father and brother keep him engaged in their family issues all the time. And because of this, my husband is in tension most of the times. I sometimes feel so annoyed of them that I wish to leave my husband so that he can just focus on helping them!!or mail his brother that stop taking money from my hb. any discussion from my side which includes saving money for future will make him angry and he tells me that I am the most selfish women in world, your parents have not taught you what is family, my brother has done so much for me, it is his duty to respect and help elder brother. he has married, but has not came out the fact that he has now his own family to take care of. I am also earning makes him believe that we have double income and hence we can 'help' them twice. because of this irritation I don't even talk to my any in-laws (well they never care to call me anytime tough, not even once after marriage, but make sure they talk super nicely whenever we chat them on skype or I call them). but my hb keeps forcing me to call them every few days because according to him, I am anyways not doing anything for them which is my duty. my inlaws are the most sick people I have always seen. they perfectly know how to play with my husband's emotions, and how to keep him working for them. for them, he is 'the golden bird' working abroad. and I feel helpless that my hb is not understanding all this.
     
  6. satin

    satin Silver IL'ite

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    This a serious issue.His brother will continue expecting money from your hubby his whole life and wil bring a situation like if he does no help then he is selfish and a bad person.When we were in the US and we frequently go out for dinners with my BIL family and each time we will only pay the amount including a treat which they promised,they wont even have the heart to spend $1 for us but expect each and every thing from us.They just get used to it and feel so comfortable and later when you spend less on them they create a situation like you have turned evil and make your hubby feel guilty,the only way I dealt with it was bringing up a fight and maintained a distance from them.Occasional help is fine but not running 2 families.Just tell him frankly that you cant run two families,you got married so that you can have your own life,save for your kids and have a good future.Tell him you are ready to help for emergencies but not like this,shame on his brother for living a life like this.Curtail the expenses and make an issue(not like a huge fight though) each time any transaction happens,I did the same thing and things have improved way too much,I mean if its even a 100 rupee help he tells me now.

    In the beginning without even my permission he would buy costly items like elliptical which costed $250 at that time,I mean he didnt even ask if it was okay to gift such a costly thing to his brother and that was for no reason at all I mean not even birthdays or anniversaries,I became slightly aware when he planned to buy another elliptical for him since he broke the first one and I said no.They became so used to our spending on them and even my hubby after some time could not come out of the trap he himself created.Situation is a lot better now since I started commenting on each and every expense he made for his brother,I mean he makes exactly the same amount as my hubby does and still he wants to live in others money.
     
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    What your husband is doing to you is neither loving nor respectful.You have worked so hard
    to get where you are...why do you have to live a deprived life?
    There is no doubt he loves his family....but does he feel the same for you? He expects you to put his selfish family first but doesn't care to put you first...leave aside the disrespect he heaps on your family. Why do you bear with all this?

    What will happen if you say yes I am selfish as I want a good life for myself and my family?
    If he says you don't consider yourself as his family....just agree.....remind him how he feels about your family.

    Let him eat the sandwich....why do you deprive yourself? You out there and enjoy life.Buy yourself some diamonds or whatever you care for .At least you treat yourself well.

    Please don't give your money that is with your father to him or his brother.Tell him you are paying back the money your dad spent on your education. If you don't take a stand now...you will become a really bitter person who will hate her husband for doing this to you and your future family.You will have to take a stand some time if you care for a future and disappoint your husband. Do it now and save yourself the bitterness . If you love your husband...then do this for him....save him too from his greedy brother.

    Don't mind.:hide:..it's just my humble advice. We all have such blood suckers in every family.:rant
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2013
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