Mom's Double Standards....

I need to vent here, if not my head will break. Kindly bear with this long post, and help me to sooth my mind.

My mom and I do share a wonderful relationship since birth. Although we have a lot of differences in taste, opinions and about everything, we love each other.
She lives with me, and in fact she moved with me to take care of me and my kiddos when I was in need. Now that, I do not need her that much, but I return the favor by being with her as her biggest physical and moral support as she is old now.
Generally our relationship is very smooth. We are dependent on each other. Support each other, and always stand by each other.

However, her behavior completely changes whenever my siblings visit me. My bro lives in the same locality, and visits us almost daily for few mins. So, that's not a problem.
But my sis lives in a different city, and visits us once in 2-3 months for a week holidays with her family. She would stay at my bro's and my place equally, and we all would spend quality time with sister together when she is around.
So, obviously we all would gather at each other's place for lunch or dinner or visit to some places together as family.
This is the time we all are suppose to be happy and full. The kids would be very very happy and cherish the moments with their cousins.
Me and my bro would plan the trips, food and what not to make this gathering a good memory.
But what happens in reality is different.

My mom would suck everything by being a problem or creating a problem between us.
This has been happening since a very long time, but we did not recognize it. We always fought for the problem or thought it is mom's usual way of sucking once in a while like this. But now a days, it is very much visible that she sucks only during such gatherings, and makes it look as if we are very bad siblings who can't even spend a day together happily.

Let me explain the latest incidents first:

Sissy came on Friday, and she was suppose to visit our house first, as our house comes first on her way to the city.
So, I had prepared a special welcome drink for them, and my kids were all ready and dressed up to welcome their favorite aunt and cousins.
Mom knew all this, but when it was the time she quickly dressed up and went to Bro's house. Then informed sissy that she is at bro's place now.
So obviously sissy would go where mom is. Like everyone, she wants to see mom first, and that's how it has to be.

Then, I would be planning to give lunch or dinner to sissy family, and would invite everyone including bro family to my home the next day. But mom would tell me that bro has planned an elaborate lunch already, and it is uneasy to store up everything in the fridge, so let them give lunch to sissy family this time.
So, I would not invite sissy by thinking she has been already invited by bro.
Mom would tell them (sissy and bro) that I will have visitors (and they are my H's bro family) today, so I can't host them. So, they would obviously cook and eat together without inviting me.
I would feel ignored, hence sad.
Mom would say, it is better that they did not invite you.. because your kids are very naughty and they may harm your bro's little ones. If something happens, you both would end up having bitter fights.
She constantly says this to me. So that i would leave my kids somewhere whenever I visit bro's family.
Of course bro is extremely attached to his kids, and can't accept if they are hurt. but he equally loves my kiddos and won't take these kid's fights seriously.

Sometimes it may seem like my sissy and family has totally avoided us. Because they would be staying at bro's place, eating all the 3 meals there, and would just visit to our place for few mins for the sake of it.
But sissy would feel otherwise. She was like, you don't even invite us to your place. Always say you are busy and tired. So how come we visit when we are not welcomed. I was shocked, but I realized, it is mom's drama.

When confronted with mom, she was like... if sissy be with you full time, your bro would feel sad and isolated. bro is already angry for the fact that I live with you, and being a great grandma to your kids, while his kids misses a grandma. So, if sissy family too mingle with you full time, bro would get terribly angry.
She is in fear as to what story our SIL can cook in this regard, and how bad the relationship could go worse. So, as a mitigation strategy, she makes this drama. (Although she did not accept this drama thing, we understood)
She always thinks that men would change after marriage, and if we are not in the good books of SIL, we would be loosing bro no matter how great our relationship is.

She further says, your bro has a full time maid, she can cook and clean for many visitors. But you as a working woman needs rest. That's why I never wanted to bring visitors to your place.

The other incident is, whenever my sister is around or family is gathered mom would keep a long face and show as if she is unhappy (with me).
She would criticize me before others for everything. Insult me, and bring all the issues that she had with my hubby in the past to infuriate me. So that I would say something and bum... we fight before others.
Once my sissy even asked how come you both manage together under one roof if you can't handle a single day?
Due to these problems, I would be often go moody and that would irritate the visitors. On the other hand, mom too would show eagerness to spend more time at bro's place whenever sister is around, by citing one or the other reasons. So, she will eventually drag them all to bro's place.

But the same mom shows very much reluctance to spend a night at bro's place otherwise.
Last time when bro was sick and he needed mom, she did not spend a whole day there. She rushed back to my place saying bro's place is too boring.
When SIL delivered her second kid recently, bro needed mom there often. But mom cited some or the other reasons to turn off that request.
Even if she goes, she can't sleep there. She would come back to my home and say she feels comfortable only here.
Whenever she is suppose to visit bro (mostly during weekends) she would pretend as if she hates there, and would come back soon.
But that would be very different when sissy family is around.
They would think that I have tied up mom at my place despite of her wishes, and that's why she is this eager to jump away from this cage.
Why this double standard?

In general, mom wants everyone (me, sissy and SIL) to follow bro no matter how foolish he may seem. We are educated, and have our own families, and could think independently. Yet, she would try to force us to follow bro's advises. Although bro won't force anything on us. But mom does.
She underrates our opinions, and criticizes our spouses compares them to bro.
But SIL is no way comparable to us. She knows that too. Even then, she is like very much praising of SIL for her cunningness etc and say that's how wives should control their hubbies. So, we (me and sissy) are criticized for being straight forward and not being cunning or controlling our spouses.


I know that she loves my kids so dearly compared to her other grand kids. But whenever the family is gathered, she would criticize my kids and puts them down and by criticizing our (me and h) upbringing. She would be in praise of bro and say how blessed his kids are.

But in general, she has no great opinion about bro's kids or that upbringing.

So, it all gets on to our nerves whenever we are together, so we would end up arguing, fighting or even showing up long faces instead of enjoying the time.
Sissy is even not ready for another vacation.

What is the solution to this?

 

Well, I opened up with my sister last time, and she was shocked to learn this. She had other stories about mom's double standards when she was at bro's place while mom was also there. She shared that with me, and said how much unhappy she is about it.
Then we both accepted this as it is, and felt it may be mom's insecurity thus she tries to please bro.

Did not have an open chat with bro yet. But he understands it, I guess.

Not sure whether it is ok to open up with mom or not. She is 67, and weak with other health complications for the age.
It feels bad to see her unhappy or on strike mode without understanding the depth of the problem. She would not accept or even ready to see the problem. She can't change either. So, whatever the attempts would only hurt her and make her starving for few days with tears. I dread doing this due to her age and uncertainty of life. So, I ignore although I am at my wits ends.

 

@yellowmango She would not criticize the kids before them. She would do the criticizing when the adults are around, and it was more of putting me and my H down for the bad parenting.
And her intention was more of putting my H down (again not infront of him) as a bad father, and me as a bad mom for not intervening or confronting my H when he is wrong. So, her point is, I am an incapable mom, incapable woman, etc... and then the comparisons.
in fact I don't think we are bad parents. Our kids are School toppers and their teachers always praise them for their good manners.
They are naughty as many other young kids of their age (6 and 3) specially when they meet their dear aunt and cousins.

 

@blackbeauty84 Oh really???? So, I am not alone?
What is this problem? Are they insecure? Are they guilt for choosing to live with one kid and leave the other in need?
Are they defending themselves here?
Are they becoming like kiddos?

 

Oh.. YM... she knows it. She lives with us na?
She always praises my kids even with me and say they are clever and they are smart and what not. She would have a story each day to praise my kids, specially my son. She would be always praising him to my neighbors, relatives, and of course with my siblings whenever she speaks to them on phone.

They all know that she loves them more than her other grand kids.

But when we are around, she wants a way to put me down. That too put my H down and tell others that he is the worst H and dad in the world.
If and when I defend him, she would say it is my inability to confront my H, so that I accepted him.
In that line, she would criticize the kids saying they have learnt bad manners from the dad, and mom (me) is not changing dad, as she is less bothered about the kids.

 

Her other double standards are like....

When I and H have problems or arguments, she would infuriate me by talking against my H. She would fuel the fire by saying I should confront more and should not give up my rights.
Even if I chose to ignore minor problems, she would make a mountain out of a mole hill. She would give me tips to fight, and reason to doubt my H.
Even if I chose not to fight this time, she would remind me of the past and how it all became uncontrollable last time.
For ex: If my H goes on an office trip to a diff city for 2 days, my mom would tell me he must have gone on a personal trip. She would connect my PILs whereabouts and guesses as to they all would have gone jointly behind my back. So that I would confront with my H or at least feel bad about him.

She is the same with my sis too. My sis shares a beautiful relationship with her PILs. But mom would always brainwash sis by saying her PILs are cunning and she should watch out.

But she is different with my bro family. When they are fighting, mom would stand by SIL and advice bro to calm down and accept her as who she is.
When SIL's parents were visibly manipulating and bro was mad at them, my mom was like supporting them and telling bro to have good relationship with them, else he would lose all the relatives.

When comparisons comes, she would always stand by SIL and put us (me and sissy) down saying we have become super women because of our inability to handle our Hs, whereas SIL is relaxing and living a great life as she was good at handling her H, who gives her all the luxuries.

PS: I had a love marriage, against her wish
Sister had an arranged marriage, but to someone of my father's side - so mom did not have fullest agreement
Bro had an arranged marriage to mom's relative. She arranged the marriage for him.