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Mom's change of mind

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, Oct 30, 2015.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear all,

    I am in a very confused state of mind now. I would very much appreciate your insight to this problem of mine.

    As many of you know that my mom lives with us. She is with us on the pretext of taking care of my children while I focus on the career front.

    I had so much disappointments initially as a new wife, mainly due to in laws interference and husband's silence towards it.
    All the problems were based due to our inter-faith relationship only; however I have over grown from those moments of my life, and everything is under very much control now.

    My mom started living with us only after those problems to cure my vulnerability. She has always been a great support to me and my children. To which, she has compromised so much of her personal choices and always adjusted to ensure my life comes back on track.

    For the past few years everything seems really calmed down in my life. We seldom have misunderstanding like any other couple. My husband listens to me, adjusts with me and we make a perfect couple in every other aspects despite of the whole differences.
    In laws too learnt their lesson; hence very much distance themselves from our matters. At least this is how they show it to the world. So far so good!

    Now the real problem comes from my mother's end.

    She feels so bored at my place it seems. Specially due to the absence of the maid (we sacked our regular maid due to security issue, and unable to find a new one since then) she feels overwhelmed with responsibilities.

    Although I prepare my kid's meals, and everything related to them in the mornings before leaving for my job, my mom is still responsible for everything else concerning to my kids.
    Elder one goes to pre-school and comes back at 12 only.
    Mom feeds them food, puts them to sleep, wakes them up and then prepares elder one for after School activities at 3pm.

    Kids as usual fights and does naughty stuff as per their age, which provokes my mom unlike before.

    She hates my relationship with my in laws. Specially she hates whenever in laws spend time with our kids. She would complain or find fault everytime after in laws' time with kids.
    Sometimes she would keep long face, sometimes she would black mail me saying "let me go to my son's place, you ask your in laws to be with the kids tomorrow".

    In laws took care of my kids for about a month when my mom was at my sister's place. I had no issues then.
    Even now, they are ready to take care of my kids if need arises. They are a couple, living in a separate house as a family. So, leaving everything behind on a short notice is not just right-i feel.

    I know mom is black mailing. I know she has thyroid and depression at times. I know she is 65+ and has her bad days too. I know I should find a maid soon, and never to depend on anyone. I know I should be able to let my mom go wherever she prefers to go. But despite of everything, I feel so upset and disappointment about my mom now. May be I expect more from her, that's why.

    My in laws still demand so much from us. But this time not from us, but from their son. My husband doesn't spend on in laws from the budget we created for us. He spends from his personal money (with and without my knowledge). Unlike before, he doesn't take my hard earned money for their luxury either. So, I let that happen. At the end of the day, i feel my H has some responsibilities towards his parents.

    Likewise, we spend on everything for my mom. Since she is staying with us, the whole expenses are borne by us.
    My brother gives her needful money though she never demands. She saves them all for the future only.

    She would always compare herself with my in laws and say how grateful she is to never demand anything from us.
    Moreso, she blackmails every now and then... now a days more frequently, saying she has commitments towards my bro's family. She would always eagerly packs her bags and waits till bro comes to pick her up.

    It shows as if she is really hating to live with us, and looking forward to her release day. This irritates me.

    At last, I have asked her to spend a few more days at bro's place if she really likes there. And I promised to cover up the kid's matter somehow. Of course with in laws help.
    To which, she immediately said NO NO... What I can do there for more days, I won't feel comfy there. Their bedroom is weird for me. I would come back soon. And came 2 days later.

    She actually prefers to stay with us. She feels our house as her home. However, she doesn't feel our family as her family. She is mostly connected towards my bro's family for the very reason that they are just the 2 of them with a tiny kid. SIL's family has no close contacts with them since they live in abroad. Mom can very much control them.

    She loved my family the most in all those days against my sister's family for the same reason that I was dead against my in laws. Mom had her kingdom here at home.
    Now the more I get closer to my H, and closer to in laws family, I feel the more I distance from my mom. It hurts.

    Mom hints as if I am getting bluffed once again by in laws. But I feel like screaming to her, and say NO.. I can't be bluffed this time. I know who they are, but I have no issues as long as my family is under my control.
    I just don't want to deprive my H from his parents despite living in the same street. I also don't wanna keep a long face for a long lost old problem by spoiling my present mood. But it backfires in my mom's form now.

    What to do?

    Now a days she refuses to eat, always sleeps or pretends to sleep, getting angry with kids and say in laws have spoiled them. She doesn't talk to me naturally. She seems as if she is so hurt, and makes me feel guilt for something which I am yet to know

    What to do?
     
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  2. sangeethakripa

    sangeethakripa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear @SGBV

    Your mom has stood by your side at the time of turmoil. It could be she is tired and the responsibilities are making her more annoyed. She may need some holiday - . Try sending her to bro's home for a while and let her be back on her own will. You have also well analyzed her problem, so a need of a maid is need of the hour.
    Moreover, her age and fitness factor could be one of the reasons for her taunts.
    I would only say keep calm and comfort her. Check whether she needs acknowledgement and appreciation more than before. At times warm hugs makes wonder & reduces tension.
     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for your first and prompt response. So far, I am managing her with warm hugs, comforting talks, day out and shopping with her. Her mood always changes. But this time, I wonder why I keep the grudge, feel fed up, and wanting to fight. I know, I am being mean.. But I kind of disappointed with this repeated blackmails of my mom.

    I have several times asked her to take a break and stay at Bro's place for a while. Bro's kid's first birthday is around the corner. She could go there now. But she refuses to go when asked to go. But she would black mail as if she wants to go when I am really really depending on her. This irritates me.

    I have clearly told her that she could go anytime, but tell me when you wanted to go. So that I can tell in laws in advance to come over here, and supervise the new maid (should we get one now). In Sri lanka leaving kids alone with maids is tricky- She knows it.
    Also, there are very few good quality day cares like in the US. So, we all (including mom) decided not to send the kids to day care as long as mom and in laws could be with them. Alternatively we send elder child to Pre-School and after School which kills most of his day time. The rest of the times he sleeps or silently play with his gadget. He is 4.5 yrs.
    The little one is 2 yrs and yet to attend play School. She sleeps 2 times in the afternoon, and plays/does naughty stuff the rest of the day.


    My mom always say she has no plan to go there. She is fine here.
    BUt then, when I tell her that I have a meeting, and it is important she would also tell "ya, I thought of going there tomorrow". This makes me going crazy as I would be left with no options between my kids and office when no one reliable could be at home.
    This has happened several times in the past. This was one of the reason I have resigned my well paying/demanding job. I couldn't cope with mom's change of mood;hence taking leave was difficult.
    May be the added stress makes me weird and mean now unlike before. I feel guilt
     
  4. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    I can understand, what you go through.
    Managing kids all alone itself demanding...your mom needs appreciation, she feels you should always appreciate her.
    Please say thanks often, say when your kids turn cranky...mom how you manage them. i cant do it!
    She thinks, you would become close to inlaws and neglect her.
    Please do something to remove that block.
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I can very much understand this... But I feel so sad that she thinks this way.

    How can I become close to those wicked people by leaving my loving mom? Am I so stupid?
    Why can't she understands me?

    I can't fake a "sorry" or 'thanks" which I naturally do most of the time when appropriate. If I fake, that too I fear she would identify.

    Being so close to my mom, and living under one roof since birth I just don't think we need any formalities. She blames me, scolds me, fights with me, and still treats me like a kid.. It is all ok as I never felt otherwise. She is my mom.

    But after my brother's marriage, things have obviously changed. My SIL is very formal with my mom, and both gel quite good. Now SIL often say thanks, and certain formal talks exactly like you have mentioned above... Eg: How you are managing them, If I were you, I would have committed suicide.
    How you are making this dress, Awesome.. It may be sold for $XXX in the market. Just formal, and i am sure this is how I speak with some external people to please them.
    But I can't be formal and fake to my own mom who lives with me. It is unnatural to me.

    But, she might think SIL is more appreciative than me; hence she should render more service to SIL.

    My mind is weirdly thinking all this. Thanks for your response anyway :)
     
  6. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Poor lady, not having her own home and have to live with her adult children. Grandchildren are lovely but you should not as a grandparent have to carry any responsibility taking care of them.

    Does she have own friends, hobbies, relatives she can visit?
     
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  7. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    If she wants to live away for some months, she should be able to. She is entitled to live her life as per her wishes too.
     
  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Your mom seems to be feeling restless, and probably stressed by the responsibilities of managing the children's care. Ask her if she would like a vacation or break. She may also be feeling taken for granted. In any case, let her do what she wishes. A little bit of distance does make the heart grow fonder.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks everyone for replying... I can sense a little bit of misunderstanding; hence clarifying it here.

    @Ragini25 @crayoness and @Malstrom

    She has her own house, which is of 200M from our house, and very close to my bro's house. That is our family house where we all grew up as children. However, after the demise of our dad, she doesn't feel ok to live there all alone. She can't be emotionally independent. She always need people around her.
    Although she likes to feel independent, it is sometimes not possible while living with children.
    It is her choice to live with me, as she feels my house is more of her house than my other siblings' houses. Again, it is her choice.

    Her house is still there, locked, and unused for the past 5+ years. Although we used to clean it occasionally. All it needs is to clean that house one more round, appoint a care taker for her, and our frequent visits to give her some company. But she is not ready for it. We too feel the same as we know her vulnerabilities. She is not forced to live with us, but it was a choice made by all after so much analysis.

    Ya... I've discussed about a vacation, pilgrimage or a trip to her relatives for a break. But she is not interested it seems.

    I tried to gift her some gold stuff for all the services she has rendered so far. She declined it, and says not necessary.
    She did the same when my bro offered some gifts too.

    As far as I understand her... She is fine, and will be very much fine if I solely depend on her. She expects some validation for her stay at my place it seems. That is, my complete dependence on her for the child care.
    If so, she can somewhat justify her stay with me for the society.
    When in laws are coming in, ready to take care of the kids, and doing decent job while mom is absence... this poor lady feels insecure.
    She is now upset and confused as to what would happen if I grow independent and find other support system; hence stop depending on her.
    What would happen if she no longer able to justify her stay with me. She worries unnecessarily.

    I can very much understand that I failed to comfort her somehow. But off late I feel, all my bad talks about in laws and distancing from them only comforting this poor lady.

    PS: She doesn't talk to my H, and feels my H would always find a way to kick her out of the house to replace his parents in. Another reason for her insecurity. But That will never happen.

    How can I give her this assurance?
     
  10. VaniVyas

    VaniVyas Platinum IL'ite

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    I think your DHs relation with her might be giving her this insecurity. Anyways, you have already suggested what all you need to do to bring her back in mood.

    Hire a maid soon so that she does not feel the burden of her work and try to be more pleasing towards her....

    At the end of the day, she is your mother who wishes to see you all happy. This too shall pass quickly... Hug her and move on...
     

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