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mom going in depression after dad's death

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by cutemonster, Feb 21, 2012.

  1. cutemonster

    cutemonster Platinum IL'ite

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    hi all
    i dont know should i post this in this segment or relationship without parents , some how felt this is better .
    I lost my father some time back . now i feel my mother is moving into a state of depression. she is in late 50's and dad's death was sudden n unexpected. I am the eldest child and have one more sibling. after my marriage i feel my mom has become even more isolated and does not talk much. she misses my dad a lot and for a lot of times she will start crying if we even talk about him. even when she came to meet me at my place after marriage she could not hold back her tears and said it was so awkward to travel alone without dad and all through the way she was thinking what would my dad have done, how happy he would be to see me and all !
    it breaks my heart to see her like this . i have tried to keep her busy in some religious and other things but it is not helping much . also i live very far off from my native and as newlywed i have some responsibility to my husband so it becomes difficult to give her time. she lives in our native place n my aunt comes to visit her but rest all relatives are not at helpful , infact they are so sarcastic at times. like at my wedding many people did not like that she should dress up nicely or wear good clothes as her husband is dead ! it gets too much some times. she has always been a jolly , fun loving , fond of fashion and other things but now she shows no interest anything . if i tell her to buy new dress she says when will i wear , what will people say?
    i can see she is going in depression and i feel frustrated on how to help her , should i take professional help ?
    please all u ladies u had similar situation do guide me.
     
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  2. dakshayaeni

    dakshayaeni Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Friend,

    Its been how long since your dad passed away? It will take time but slowly your mom will learn how to deal and cope up with life. After my father passed away, I got married and at that time my younger sis was studying. The two of them lived and slowly I mobilized them to stay with me. In fact now my mom stays with me, its just that my in laws are in a separate city, hence it is easier for me. I wish to share something with you here, that the reason why I rushed to have a child within two years of my marriage when my hubby was not prepared is to erase lonliness of my ma...yes that is the truth. She became so very busy when my baby was born that no one would imagine, even now she is perhaps busier than me...

    We were under some financial stress when I went ahead and conceived knowing the fact that only this can make my ma come back to life.

    With you, I understand you have a different situation altogether. You know during such time we like to be with people, to talk to or just be with them. It would be great if you can make her attend some hobby classes, join some groups where prayers and general discussion takes place or even some NGO probably. It will be difficult but honestly you need to drive this, even if it means you are drawing some flaks from relatives or in laws then also you need to help her.

    Professional therapist can too be of help, but the comfort, cajole, security that she is looking for can only come from a family member, slowly she need to build in some hobbies to pursue and engage her time. take good care of her.
     
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  3. cutemonster

    cutemonster Platinum IL'ite

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    thank u so much for the kind reply ! yes even i feel if she gets busy she will have some thing to take her mind off old memories. by god's grace she does not have any financial problems.
    i hope i get the courage to take care of her. it breaks ur heart when u see that the parent who never lets u cry and was always there to stand by u is crying alone and hinding their tears.
     
  4. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    No advices but wanted to say, sorry!
     
  5. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry for loss, your Mom will come out of her loneliness with time. The first time travelling alone is traumatic and filled with memories. She will be better of without the sarcastic comments from relatives.
    A good way to answer them is to say that she dresses well because thats the way Dad would have wanted her to live. It will shut their mouths for good.
    If she has her own place then giving a portion on rent to a small family will give her company. It need not be for only money.
    She can do some charity , social work if she wishes like teaching maids kids for free.Try and find out her long -lost hobbies .
    Small towns are generally harsher in this aspect with a lot of comments flying around. Learn to ignore them.
    Your Mom will learn to control her tears, give her time. An unexpected death catches one unawares and is very disturbing.
    You and your sibling will have to act as a shield and protect her from critics.If you also get disturbed then how will you help her?
     
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  6. cutemonster

    cutemonster Platinum IL'ite

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    thank u so much for the kind and inspiring words . yes you are right more than her i have to become strong and protect her.
     
  7. Sendeepa

    Sendeepa Silver IL'ite

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    I have gone through the same situation when my father passed away in 2004 when I and my elder bro were studying in college. The only thought that was in my mind when I heard that my father passed away is how to tackle my mom but then I made up my mind that perhaps my father believed that I will take good care of her and so he has shouldered the responsibility on me. In my case, due to property issues my mother went into depression even when my father was alive and she only became worse after his death and my marriage. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband and in-laws and my mother is staying with us. We are looking alliance for my brother and I have convinced my mother to stay with us even after his marriage but can visit him whenever she wants to. Regarding the various restrictions which were imposed by grand ma on mom for my father's death were only unfruitful since I was so stern and stubborn that those things to be followed only if my mom wishes to do so and no compulsion/threat to be imposed on her. Even during my marriage I made it clear that she should be on my side on the diaz and it happened though many of the relatives were against it. But no one uttered anything to me since I was so stubborn.

    Like dakshayeni I also decided to go on the family way after one year of my marriage so that my mother would be kept busy with.

    My only suggestion is - You be brave. Tell your mom that you will be there for her and not the relations who make comments on her and ask her to ignore them. Make your mom understand that you are always there to take care of her. It will take some time for her to come out of this shock but your constant support and love will help her to come out of this very soon.
     
  8. GMReddy

    GMReddy Silver IL'ite

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    dear op,

    time heals many things...the grief caused by sudden death of your dad will surely be overcome by your mom as time passes...just be there to take care of her needs as and when needed...

    as for the others comments, you better develop thick skin and ignore them...and mentally prepare your mom too to do the same...

    best of luck...
     
  9. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Don't worry. Time would heal many things.

    She must be having some interest or hobby which she loves. She has to be occupied. Keeping busy is one way of dealing with grief.
    Always the first step is hesitant and nervous. later they become firm and solid. Encourage her to do something which she likes. getting out of the house.....even a walk relaxes a person.
    Regarding the comments of relatives...don't pay any attention to them...not worthy to pay attention. You are not answerable to any one. Shall I tell you one thing? If we are afraid of society it threatens us....if we turn back it does not comment. Don't care. Life does not end with the death of spouse. Life has to go on and move on.
     

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