Mind Over Matter: The Meditation Club

Rejection therapy isn't a tenet of Stoicism though in a way the Stoics did practice a form of it. But there is plenty of non-stoic literature on rejection therapy out there. I will elaborate when I write more, whenever that will be.

 

The Dichotomy of Control

Part of finding tranquility in everyday life is learning the distinction between the things we can control and those we cannot. A great deal of happiness depends on identifying the boundaries of our sphere of control and withdrawing attention from everything that lies outside it. Worrying about matters we cannot influence is a waste of precious emotional resources. Tormenting ourselves with what ifs and if onlys doesn't solve the problem, instead causes avoidable suffering. In order to find peace of mind we must develop the discipline to channel our thoughts and actions exclusively towards the things that lie within our control. Understanding and practicing this distinction on a moment to moment basis is the secret to a simpler and happier life.

What is your sphere of control?



Within the universe of everything that happens, from the birth of stars to Deepika Padukone's wedding, there is only a small subset of things that directly or indirectly impact our lives. These comprise your sphere of concern — the things that affect you. Inside this is your sphere of control, representing the things that you can affect. It is important to appreciate the difference between concern and control — the things that affect us versus the things that we can affect — to understand exactly how pointless worrying is. If something is within your control, then why worry? Decide what can be done and do it. If something concerns you but is not in your power to change, then what will you gain by worrying? Aside from tormenting yourself you won't accomplish anything.

Just because something affects us doesn't automatically place it in our sphere of control. A natural disaster, an unexpected sickness, or an economic downturn have the power to alter our lives. We have a stake in these matters but even so they aren't really up to us. We can deal with them as and when they happen, we can take steps to mitigate their impact, but there is no point in fretting over them. The same applies to human relationships. You can treat others with kindness and respect but their response is not up to you. You can love someone with every fiber of your being but you can't make them love you back. Brooding over past mistakes is an equally fruitless endeavor. The past is gone and you have no power over it. Your sphere of control extends only to your own volition in the present — your thoughts, your words, your choices, and your actions in this moment.

The graphic below of the sphere of control is from a teenage counseling guide but I think it illustrates the concept really well. Aside from the parts about homework and tests, which can be replaced by work and obligations for adults, most of the points are universally applicable.



I think it would be a helpful exercise to create a personalized version of the chart and put it up where it is readily accessible in moments of emotional turbulence. Not only does hoping or worrying about things outside your influence make you miserable and waste your time, it blinds you to avenues for constructive action. Next time you find yourself agonizing over something, ask yourself whether there is anything you can do to change or fix it. If there is nothing to be done, then tell yourself it is not your concern, and it does not deserve your attention. Divert your attention and energy to being present and working toward something you can actually influence. Internalizing this simple distinction and applying it consistently to your everyday dilemmas will take away most of your worries and leave you feeling calmer and more empowered.

Life is challenging and the only trusted recourse we have is doing what we can, with what we have at hand. We have little to no sway over what happens to us or around us, but your will to do what is within your power is your strength and your sanctuary. No one can take that away from you. If you believe in a higher power then think of everything outside your sphere of control as God's problem. You take care of what is up to you and the universe will take care of the rest.

One of my favorite quotes by Lin Yutang, goes -

“Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.”

As I grow older I have come appreciate the depth of wisdom in those words. Peace of mind is not attained by having perfect control over our lives, it is obtained by letting go of the desire to control anything beyond our own selves and accepting people, things and situations exactly as they are.​

 

Thanks for sharing! Now I have something to show DH when he groans about having to do dishes every night.