Mind Over Matter: The Meditation Club

Discussion in 'Education & Personal Growth' started by Gauri03, Feb 14, 2018.

  1. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you immensely for your response @Gauri03 .
    I am going to print this and Viswa's response to read as often as possible to condition my mind to that level of strength that others' words just bounce off.
    Once I attain that with negativity, I want to move up higher to taken even positives with a neutral state of the mind.

    This is key and even more important is the "you will slip often".

    The important practical part.
    From this moment I am going to apply this and practice.
     
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  2. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    @Viswamitra
    Since I read your guidance I have been mindful of my own reactions to many situations and been trying to control the negatives.
    Not yet there but I have started.
    Thank you again.
     
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  3. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    How do you handle guilt or regret vis-a-vis decisions/actions related to your children? One can make peace with personal choices and their consequences or power through them stoically, but what if your actions, more precisely inaction, have consequences for your kids? My kids are relatively young and I realize that most day to day events will not have long term consequences (or maybe they will :disappointed:) but that is not much comfort to a mind obsessing over parenting insufficiencies.
     
  4. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Correcting the typo for keyword searches. Google will save you, but anyway, the term ought to read: "Isochronic/binaural".
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2018
  5. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    The best metaphor/exercise I know for cognitive distancing is cinema. Effective storytelling manipulates emotion. You can either cheerfully participate in it and let yourself be carried away, or, you can pick apart the elements of manipulative technique - the lighting, the music, the pacing, the transitions. The moment you bring yourself out of the screen and into the theatre, as one viewer among many, and take a slow, lingering look at the exits (just in case there's a fire - not because you're scared of that bloodsucking ghoul onscreen - because, you're, like, not - really!) - the moment you uncouple the music from the cinematic horror it portends, those threatening shadows lose all their power. With situations that affect us, we are simultaneously the viewer and the director. We provide our own music and special effects and stunts. We are both doers and the done-to. We carry ourselves away. When we deliberately pick apart the viewing-self from the directing-self, and the screenwriting-self from the music, we can take ourselves offstage. Exit, (not) followed by bear!

    PS: I have said this before, in other words, somewhere. Too lazy to go hunting for that post. Apologies for the repeat.
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2018
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  6. troubledmom

    troubledmom Gold IL'ite

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    This thread is amazing! My heartfelt salaams and gratitude to all sharing their insights here. I just idly read the last couple pages and was blown away. Each post is worth reading and re - reading till I fully understand it. Now off to page 1.
     
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  7. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I'm glad you posted this again, I haven't seen this posted elsewhere. Cinema is the perfect example for understanding cognitive distancing intuitively. You're present in the moment, yet you can choose to withdraw emotionally from the events unfolding around you and become an observer instead of a participant.
     
  8. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Gauri03,

    Mostly, the guilt of not parenting well is felt when a) one needs to be away from the children for a fairly long period of time due to work, b) One needs to be defending herself and the kids from the abuse and c) One becomes a victim of self-abuse through alcohol and drugs.

    The easiest to handle is the last one. One is guilty as charged by the mind. The only way out is to apologize to the children and get out of uncontrollable mind that prevents good parenting.

    The emotional stress the children suffer when the spouse in an abusive relationship is terrible. However, mother's instinct fight and fight to have her parenting need in tact and she tries her best to reduce the emotional stress of the children as much as possible. Now, has she failed to do her parenting well and should feel guilty? Absolutely not. The cause for the emotional stress of the children is not her and she is already doing everything possible can to prevent the emotional stress. It becomes her priority over anything else.

    The worst form of feeling guilt or regret is inability to be with the children during their prime age. I had been there myself between my son's age of 4 to 13. For 9 whole years, corporate world kept me traveling and working for 12-14 hours a days as many days as possible in a week. International travel became a monthly ritual. My son bonded so well with my wife during that period and distanced himself from me. He was very attached to me until he was 4 years old and that pained me a lot. I focused on the following methods to ease my guilt and stress.

    1) Quality - As nothing can replace time spent with the children, I paid my attention to spend quality time with him. Instead of sharing my time with my wife and son, I began to spend exclusive time with my son for a period of time whenever I was back at home.

    2) Replacement value - I applied one of the oldest formula "one has to loose something in order to gain another". I realized that my spending time in the corporate world was rewarding for my career and increasing my bank balance. We bought a home without any mortgage and was able to earmark money away for my son's higher education. I have convinced my mind that I have lost spending time with my son in order to gain something else for his well-being.

    3) Lessons - As we all know, the children learn a lot of lessons by watching the parents' action more than what is taught to them. When they see the parents work so hard and pour their love to them when they return home, over a period of time, they learn an important lesson that the parents balance work/life very well. The value of time gets etched in their mind very strongly. That is what happened to my son.

    I am not sure whether I addressed your concern through this response.
     
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  9. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This is what preys on my mind too. Not being available in the way some mothers can. We work long hours and while we do a fair job of making it to school events and volunteering for field trips etc., there are opportunities and avenues that open up for the kids when mothers are heavily involved in class with the teachers and school associations, which we lose out on. My post was prompted by one such event that I didn't even know of until after the fact and I was feeling irritated with myself for not having known and causing the little one to miss out. It's this feeling of children missing out because I can't play the role of the traditional 'over-involved, helicopter' mom at school that gnaws at me. Do I sound bitter or what? :lol: Your post put things in perspective and I am grateful you took the time to write it. The idea of replacement value really spoke to me, of losing something to gain another. It's a great way to think about what I am able to provide for my kids vis-a-vis what other parents do. It helps to remind myself that there are more than one ways to raise happy, successful children and that I am striving to do the best I can.
     
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  10. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Gauri03,

    I missed another method I tried and it worked very well. We all have a very high level of thought energy and enormous amount of love for the children. During the work, take a few minutes break to intensely think about how you would spend time with your kids if you were to be with them at that time. This visualizing technique creates a strong impression in the subconscious mind and let you overcome the guilt of not being with them. When you meet them later in the evening, you mention about your thoughts to the kids when you were at work and that enormous subconscious energy gets transferred to them. Frankly, it gives them peace when you were not around them and they would learn how to use that energy whenever they miss you. Over a period of time, when you think of them at work, they will begin to feel peaceful as if you were around.

    Viswa
     
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