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Mil's Words Affecting My Dh And My Relationship

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blindpup10, Feb 21, 2020.

  1. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Ofcourse he can control! Would he say the same thing if his mother is after his colleague or his boss? No! He will be mad at her !! If my MIL (or anyone) treats me badly, I expect him to be mad at them. I’m not some slave! If I don’t have that position in his life, I’d rather be single.
    I’m saying this as someone who has been through a lot of harassment from a
    Narcissist mil. My husband was blind! I don’t wish that pain and suffocation on anyone. It was the worst time of my life. Thankfully he can see partly now and clearly understands I don’t put up with abuse and harassment. Kind people are always welcome. I tell him to treat me like a colleague first. As a wife, I deserve more love and respect than a colleague. If that’s too much to ask, colleague is my bottom line.
     
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  2. ragzz

    ragzz Silver IL'ite

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    That's the key - it worked well for you (and glad it did). But it won't work well for some others - it really depends on the makeup of the DH too. In some cases you will get ultra stubborn DH. In cases where it does not work, the DW will have to stand up for herself (or take other decisions such as couples counseling or other avenues or last resort separation etc as the case maybe).
     
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  3. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Yes, she is a very close friend and when I spend time with her family, I do see her family interactions. BTW, my friend is a citizen with her own house which is locked up for the past 2 years. She is giving up her freedom to be with her son and DIL. My friend is sensible and respects her son & DIL's privacy and she doesn't interfere with her DIL's affairs and so does DIL. My friend says that there is one thing she would - never do is fight with her DIL. She has a very close relationship with her son. She also knows DIL cares for her; but, realized that she cannot be her daughter and both MIL and DIL lowered their expectations.
    My friend says, her DIL once told her,
    "amma, your son is the good son, I am the bad daughter; but, I do love you".
    DIL knows if things are made difficult, MIL won't be staying with them and her DH will never forgive her. In fact, I feel my friend and her DIL both are so much alike and the difference arise because both are independent and stubborn.
    BTW, there are plenty of people in my own family have refused green card. Not all want to come to US to get bored and lose their own freedom living with son/daughter.
    Many have said, whatever it is "there is nothing like being in your own home".
     
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  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    My MIL’s friends are also close childhood friends. They all live on the same street.
    They’ve seen our interactions for more than a decade.

    Mine too has been well taken care of. She too says the exact same thing above. I’m giving up my freedom to be with my dil - we love each other so much.

    Aha. Mine says this and advices all her friends to be like her and stay away from DILs affairs. In fact, I tell her friends yeah Amma is so good. She never interferes in what I do. Which was true at one point in time. As long as I follow her general ideas she’s fine. She nags when I don’t. I really didn’t give it too much thought. It’s called generation gap.

    We don’t fight with each other. We are both not brought up by fish mongers. We don’t verbally bash each other. So far, I haven’t been able to even retort to what she says or does to hurt me.

    So does mine with her only child.

    Absolutely. Mine says this all the time. To everyone. That this is how it should be. Don’t replace her mom etc etc.

    I say it all the time. She has a very well brought up son. He’s somebody that I want to be like. I’ve never been able to be like him. He’s the absolute best. I really admire her for teaching him the right thing.

    Same here. If I did something that was completely off limits he would give it to me. What MIL didn’t count on was that he wouldn’t tolerate anyone bullying his wife either, even if it is his own mom.
    That was a shock for me and my mil. I didn’t expect it neither did she. I now know that in time husbands do get close to their wives and won’t tolerate even what the wives will tolerate.

    We are both very much alike. I really don’t mind handing over the reigns of the household to her. She came and she became the boss. Everyone - DH, I, maid, cook, driver - all abided by what she said. She loved to take my CC and go shopping with the driver. She loved to do all the ashram visits.

    I didn’t realize two things - my value was directly proportional to what I earn and inversely proportional to how close the son got to me. Her two and only issues are - he pampers me, lets me run the finances and helps me around the house even when she forbids him to do so. He is closer to me and puts me first. Which isn’t true. It’s a perception. I’ve told her and he’s told her many times the value she has but why won’t that mouth stop running?
    If he were the same as in the first year or our marriage, she has absolutely no problem what so ever. If I had continued to “earn” and then spent it on my luxuries - nanny/maid/parents etc then there was no issue. Her issue is how is it possible for him to support me over everyone else and how dare I live a life of luxury and spend on my FOO without even working.

    Yup. Neither does my mil. She tells everyone - I can’t go to America but my dil wants my help so much that she wants me there. Who can stay there when I have my own country. This was not just America, even while we lived in India she said this all the time, but came regularly to help me.

    Mil wants me to want her to come. She wants to prove that she still rules the roost. You get that?

    And I’m the kind who cannot say anything harsh to someone older than me. I’m just not able to hold my ground. Had DH not done what he did, I would have probably done something. Who knows.
    But I do think it’s effective when he pushes back because when he does she knows.
    Oh recently for something that he posted on FB for my bday - she texted me and my mom to let us know she’s not jealous at all and that he’s exactly like her.

    Edited to add: All of the things she said and continues to say to me isn’t bothering me any more. What hurt me the most is how much she continues to hurt her only child. When he needs support all she could think of was how to hurt DIL and break her at her weakest moment. Why would someone do that to her own child? Even if it is her enemy, when the person is going through something, won’t you shut up say something like I’m sorry? I won’t ever forgive her for the way she behaved when I went back after my child’s diagnosis. I won’t ever forgive her for not being there for her son.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2020
    EightKittens, VLR, blindpup10 and 2 others like this.
  5. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    I am so sorry that you are hurting.
     
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  6. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    The Mil-DiL drama isn't new. We're not the first generation fighting for our rights; we won't be the last.

    My grandmothers' in-laws were horrified when their DiLs broke purdah, looked their DHs in the eye and laughed in public.

    My grandmothers were shocked that their bahus worked outside the home, had friends of both genders and addressed their husbands by name.

    My parents' generation had to deal with DDs and DiLs in relationships of equality with their spouses. And a lack of entitlement on either side. No dahej!

    My friend is struggling with her DiL cavorting in a bikini while on vacation with visiting relatives from India.

    The world is always changing and everybody struggles to keep up. Some understand, accept, support and go on to have healthy relationships with their children, children-in-law and grandchildren. Others have a crab mentality and try to drag down the relationship to the inequality they were subjected to, the restrictions they endured. In so doing, they lose everything.

    The changes will keep coming ... some of us will be swept along with the tide, others will be left behind on the shore.

    The only constant in our lives throughout history has been the char log and our fear of their wagging tongues.
    .
     
  7. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks Sandhya. I think this is what I will end up doing.
    Thanks for the clarity and for making me see from my husband's perspective.
    Its the hurt feeling, that I am not able to let go. Trust me I have bled all my friend's ears and my relatives too.
    It's more like I am just seething inside as to how can she even say that!!
    I just have to let go anger- just struggling how to.
     
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  8. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    1.Its true. Its not her house.
    They didnt pay anything for the house. We pay the downpayment + mortgage. There is no property or anything in my husband's name.

    2. We do not ask help from my IL's or my mom( for a reason).
    If they come to US, they are welcome to stay as guests. She hasnt even been a good guest- as she wasnt invited.
    She was upset with my SIL and wanted to spread her misery around.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2020
  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes you are feeling hurt and this is natural. But the fact is you and your husband have a good relationship and have achieved a good mutual understanding which this incident demonstrates clearly. Even in the middle of all that chaos and stress when confronted by her absurd demand he immediately turned to you and told you. And by doing so, he left it to you right? He trusted you to do the right thing and you fulfilled his trust. You handled it. You didnt create a fuss, no screaming match, no showdown, like she probably wanted. You quietly took care of the dish and defused the situation. Blindpup madam, I would say the state of your union is on a pretty solid footing indeed! :) Then why the despair? Why all is lost and woe is me?
    When you think about this incident, you will feel angry and hurt if you think about what provoked it. But if you focus on your response that you husband -wife team instinctively that is positive and heartening. So continue to treat him like the understanding husband he seems to have become and after few days, when the context arises, bring this up and tell him how hurt you felt, even after all these years... etc. Focus on describing how you felt hurt to be excluded and how as a team this can be avoided. Don't blame her, well not too much. She can be unreasonable, and both he and his sis have realized that by now. Am sure you will both come up with ways to fine tune and prevent this.
     

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