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Mil's Words Affecting My Dh And My Relationship

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blindpup10, Feb 21, 2020.

  1. RekhaUK

    RekhaUK New IL'ite

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    You should get really mad if your MIL didn't wash her MIL's plates , but she expects the same from you :)

    I would say most of the husbands do not stand up. Not because he does not care for you, but because he would expect you to understand the rationale on how his mother as a house wife would have washed vessels for her MIL.
    Yes, it does insult and i have got really mad at this when my MIL asked me to sweep the floor. But you cant change that :(
     
  2. ragzz

    ragzz Silver IL'ite

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    Yes I got that!! what I am saying is the person who doesn't want the spouse (dw or dh) to be there is the one who needs to move out to the guest room. In this case , he may or may not agree to shift, he is not the one asking for it. The "angry" spouse is the one who may have to shift. If person A is angry/wanting to sleep alone, then person B is not the one who will shift.
    I am not advocating to blindpup or her H to shift, just clarifying the point above.
     
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Amateur move for spouses to convey to each other verbatim ill-mannered words from their parents. Your husband should have called your MIL’s bluff. Have a plan for any future visits, but in the meantime you can certainly make your displeasure felt subtly to her. It is okay to feel anger towards your husband too, but try to move on.
     
    sandhya2020 and blindpup10 like this.
  4. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op

    I am married more than 22 years. Gone through lot of ups downs. I feel both husband wife should write diary and note down all important feelings and keep somewhere spouse can read. That way all these issues should be resolved time to time and you can get over this. When your husband told you that his mother blackmailed him, you should have made rule you will not cook for him or wash his clothes or clean his part of house blah blah
    Going forward make sure you deny or restrict mother in law visiting your house. Let her also read your feelings and how much you are hurt. Ask her if her own daughter is hurt same way how she will feel. Don’t spoil your peace and relationship with husband if he is otherwise good
     
    blindpup10 likes this.
  5. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Your husband seems a nice guy except the mandatory "I will obey and worship whatever my mom says" part.

    If he was a mummas boy, he would not come to you and tell you that his mom told him to not wash your plate.

    Don't fight over this issue and spoil the harmony in your otherwise normal relationship with husband.

    MILs get jealous to see their sons helping their wives because in their times they used to slog all alone while husbands didn't even enter kitchen.
    Plus she would have never given her son any household chores work or asked her son to help her all the years till now.
    So seeing the husband washing dishes would make such typical Indian MIL jealous.

    Take it with a pinch of salt. But politely explain to your husband that next time she visits, it's his responsibility to ensure that the routine of the house and parenting rules etc should not get affected with his mother's visit.

    Do not punish your husband for this issue. Let it go but clearly tell him that he should either ensure his mother stays in her limits or else she wouldn't be entertained in your house.

    P.S. On that note, I would say that any mother would have the right to visit her children anytime and for any number of days. Though I do understand your pain as my mil also creates a havoc in our married life n spoils everything everytime. But we have to bear them as she is your husband's mother.

    Stand by your rules and be polite yet firm that you both decide how you run the house so she don't have to worry about anything.
    Tell her to relax and enjoy her stsy without getting unnecessarily involved.

    If your husband is othereise nice and compassionate and supports understands you then you can discuss this clearly to him and let him tell to his mother as it will be best for the own blood to convey the message than via dil.
     
  6. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    It's a big deal. Your MiL is carving up your family — on one side is her + your DH + your DS and on the other side is you. She excludes you from your family by making you cook and clean for yourself and by not letting you have the final say in your child's diet.

    This should be unacceptable to both your DH and to you. Your nuclear family is you + DH + DS. Your DH should not be complicit in his mother's destruction of his family.

    Stand up for yourself. Don't expect him to speak up for you. You do not have to extend basic courtesy to the MiL who is taking a bulldozer to your home.

    I would have been livid over all of the things listed: rearranging your kitchen, cooking for everyone except you, disregarding rules for kids, golden rule ... the dishes incident was just the last straw. She's replacing you in your own home.

    If he told you about the dishes while MiL was still here, that was the right time to set her straight. At this point, your DH knows how you feel. There's nothing you or he can do to go back and fix what happened. Move on together in harmony. Don't create a space between you two for your MiL to slide into.

    When these incidents happen it's hard to be objective and assertive on the spot. But she's shown her cards now and you're forewarned. You'll be prepared for the next battle.
    .
     
  7. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Rihana-ji it looks like my husband told me the min she blackmailed him. As I had to wash the dish myself.
     
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  8. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Amica- You are right, although. I have said it's not a big deal- Leaving me out part affected me.My husband noticed it too. But there was no room to bring up this issue- as the flooring was going on we were living in part of the house and getting back to routine from a family trip was taking a toll on our family.

    I started to cook for myself and pack it up right after cooking.
    My MIL had the audacity to complain to my husband.
     
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  9. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    I will let him know when the opportunity arises.
     
  10. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    It’s so sad you think women “have to” put up with this kind of disgusting, provocative and divisive behavior from MILs just because she is the husband’s mother!! Now reverse the roles and think. What if the girl’s mother is doing this to the son in law? She sounds totally crazy right? It’s the same this way too!

    No one has “rights” to visit. It’s a privilege. Absolutely one must pull that privilege from ANYONE who tries to create trouble in a happy home.
     
    sandhya2020, Amica and Rihana like this.

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