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Mil's Words Affecting My Dh And My Relationship

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blindpup10, Feb 21, 2020.

  1. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    I was once very active on IL. I have been quite busy and with fewer issues in life.

    Bit of update- I am working full time, my 4-year-old is in pre-school, have an active social life. Thankfully everything is going smooth.

    I am back as I am very stressed out recently by my MIL's Stay and I am unsure how to handle it.
    Please guide me what to do.

    MIL came to stay with us without our invitation- She was in the US for her Daughter n son-in-law and after their crisis was over, she decided to stay with us.
    However, we were planning to get our flooring done which was not a good time for us to have her.
    But my Husband said that she will be there to oversee the work blah blah. And she came to stay with us in Nov 2019 till Jan 2020.
    She wasn't one bit helpful to me. She complains non-stop whey we arent traditional enough to do grocery shopping/ do things together (my husband and I have a different schedule)
    She rearranged my kitchen, she never cooked for me- rather ate all the veggies that I shopped and cooked only for her son and grandson.
    I was left to cook for myself ( not a big deal).
    Disregarded our house rule of not giving candies/ cookies to our son & screen time.

    Had a couple of fights with my husband and her- coz she basically used to say whatever her son says is the golden rule. This golden rule doesn't exist within our family if she wasn't in our presence.

    She blamed me for picking out the contractor- who delayed working on the floor- we couldn't go anywhere or invite guests during the 2019 holidays.

    She blamed me for everything basically for not having the house clean, the dishwasher being broke, the contractor

    I was quite and calm for the most part- as I really wanted my kid to feel bond with one of his grandparent (MY mom is whole other drama)

    But one thing that REALLY HURT ME AND I AM NOT ABLE TO GET PAST IS
    She told my husband that "if he washes the dishes I have eaten in, she will never talk to him"
    Therefore he chose not to wash the dish I had left after eating. My husband came and told me this himself without asking. I hadnt asked him to wash my dish either. I am assuming my husband was shocked to hear this as well. but being emotionally blackmailed by her, he couldnt stand up.


    This is extremely insulting to me- my husband can sleep with me kiss me with my Slavia and we share a child, but washing a dish that is eaten by me is beneath him?

    Then he shouldn't be doing any of the things with me.

    I am very hurt to a point that I didn't talk to her after she left. I sometimes get angry with my husband, as he didn't even stand up for me and wash the goddam dish and tell his mother "I will care for her and she will too. There is nothing in washing a goddam dish!!".


    I have brought it up with arguments with my husband. He openly told me "don't punish me for the words I didn't say"

    Please advise me on how to go further without this incident affecting my husband and my relationship.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2020
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  2. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    tell your husband how disappointed you are with his choices. Give him a few nights on the sofa (reminding him of how bad your saliva is) and end it there. Men need time to think and process information. He knows from his childhood that taking panga with mummy doesn’t end well. His mental wiring is conditioned to thinking he shouldn’t mess with mummy. So when she threatened him with consequences, he immediately gave in. However, he knew what he did was wrong. So he came and told you. Based on what you wrote, your husband sounds like a nice guy. Not a typical Indian MCP and mummy’s puppy.
    I think you should let it go and remain really firm with MIL for her behaviour. Don’t argue, fight or say ANYTHING. Just stop talking to her. If DH asks, say you are busy. If DH insists, speak to her in front of him on the speaker phone. Any slight blaming or other nonsense, give the phone to DH and walk away. Don’t say anything. DONT ARGUE OR FIGHT WITH HIM. But maintain a zero tolerance policy for poor behaviour. Draw your lines in red and walk away if they try to say something or provoke you.
    Remember, your mil is an outsider in your marriage. Don’t disturb the peace and sanity of your house for some visitor!
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2020
    blindpup10 likes this.
  3. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Oh yeah, during the sofa phase, definitely leave out his plate. DEFINITELY!!

    And if you are really boiling mad at him about this, I’d say wear really nice nightwear and all during his sofa time!!
     
    blindpup10 likes this.
  4. ragzz

    ragzz Silver IL'ite

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    The sofa suggestion sounds quite silly frankly. Why would the DH agree, its his house and he’s paid for it too. He’s not a
    servant to obey orders. If DW is angry, and likes to sleep alone, she can take the sofa perhaps. Seriously, why would DH agree to sofa in his own house which he has equal rights to. Whoever wants to sleep alone (if at all) can make the move, I suppose since its her/his suggestion in the first place.

    Better to talk and communicate with him and then let him think over it. Also good idea for everyone to wash their own plates anyway.(unless very ill to the point where one just cannot)

    And yes reduce contact with mil, keep it to only absolutely necessary communication and cut out all other talks to bare minimum.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2020
    Topaz49 likes this.
  5. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    IMHO, this is nothing, don't take it seriously and let it go. All MILs are like that, sometimes the FILs too, you cannot rectify them or correct their foolishness. If your husband goes out of the way and does something for you, don't forget to praise him and show your happiness. On the other hand if he does nothing, or is not doing due to instructions from ILs, take it with a pinch of salt. Don't overexert and stress yourself thinking about it. It's not worth your energy to do so. If you think and brood over it, you will be spoiling your health and they will still go ahead with their agenda. Don't take it to your head.
     
    KashmirFlower and ragzz like this.
  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I am sure husband has been given enough grief over his mother’s behavior. Put him in the dog house and you have granted your MIL’s wish of alienating yourself from “them.”

    Instead save your energy for her future visits. Lay down rules before she goes for the visa interview ( length of stay, husband washing everyone’s dishes, cooking for everyone).

    But feel free to show MIL how this was not appreciated my limiting calls, gifts etc etc.

    I find it ironic that MIL comes all the way to US to solve her daughters family crisis but leaves creating one for her son. :confused:
     
    Topaz49, hermitcrab, shravs3 and 4 others like this.
  7. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    He told you this before your MIL left or after?
     
    sandhya2020, blindpup10 and Amica like this.
  8. geetu14384

    geetu14384 New IL'ite

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    Hi I understand your state of mind.... Here i would like to put my view on this....... I might sound totally wrong to you... but i felt i should share my thought........ I am in my 30's and i stay with my in-laws...... I too face few problems here and there... But there is always a positive side in any relationship for that matter...... Our deep rooted culture has always taught us to live in harmony with people around us... instead our new generation has learnt to live in isolation (termed it as privacy) and creating your own rule for life.... First sentence of yours (above quote).. i felt too hurting... we always live with elders.... Elders don't stay with us..... you said she came without invitation.... for some simple issues which will fade away from memory very soon..... dont give a deep thought... its goes to the extent of sleeping alone....blah blah blah......not required.... that moment you will get irritated and frustrated.. i understand... but chill......
     
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  9. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    God! The “SOFA” wasn’t meant in literal sense!!! Sofa/guest bedroom or whatever! Ofcourse he has all the rights to sleep on A BED, but I hope you understand sleeping with his wife isn’t a paid-for right!
     
  10. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    we were taught to respect elders. That’s the problem. Ppl should be taught to respect EVERYONE. Respecting younger people, esp the DIL, is not a part of our “culture” curriculum yet. Once that is sorted, multi-generational living can work in better harmony.
     

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