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MIL's two faced behavior..how to tackle it?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by silvertulip, Jan 30, 2012.

  1. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    In my last posts I already mentioned that my MIL is a nagging, annoying woman with her ideas about people and life. She loves to boasts about herself and is materialistic and grumpy too. I was still bearing with her ways and was polite and friendly (ignoring her nonsense talks, nagging and complaining) as I thought she was caring and supportive. But recently I have started doubting how good she is to me! She is nagging, control-freak and nowadays she has become more annoying. My SIL stays nearby and she keeps coming to meet her. My MIL will always give me lectures on how should I be with my SIL, that I should give her lot of gifts and if my hubby shops something for me, he should get it for my SIL too. I don't stop my hubby from getting things for my SIL nor do I expect anything from my SIL but still my MIL has to crib and nag. Whereas MIL will always curse her SIL that she doesn't give anything to kids (us and SIL) and that she always expects my MIL to give her gifts!!
    Few days back I shopped for some sweaters with my DH and MIL. When my SIL saw them she said she will shop for similar stuff. My MIL asked her to take what she likes and I didn't say anything still my MIL felt that I didn't wanna give those sweaters to my SIL (MIL made crappy statements like my son got them for the family but you don't want to give).
    Recently when my parents gave her a courtesy call (in my absence) she told them that I don't want to share my things with my SIL and don't want to give her anything. MIL made statements like although my daughter doesn't need anything as her family is well off and she is earning, she can get what she wants but she is family and I(DIL) should share things with family members which DIL doesn't do and makes faces and gets angry. I really feel like blasting my MIL. She has been nagging me on her daughter for past 1 year and made issues on things like I didn't let her daughter choose things of her choice from my trousseau (I was not aware of something like this in their family and gave SIL a makeup set as discussed with my DH - he didn't tell me anything like that). I had got gifts from my relatives and my MIL liked one of the dress materials(which I really like) I got from my aunt, which my MIL wanted for my SIL (MIL had asked my parents b4 not to get anything for DH side relatives but my parents gave clothes to SIL & her hubby). My MIL couldn't ask me directly (as she says my parents not to give anything so she can't ask them to give something) so asked me if I don't like some of my dress materials I can exchange them with my SIL to which I said I don't dislike any of them my relatives got them as per my choice. She created a scene on this issue after 1 month of my marriage to me and my DH. So when we went to shop and my hubby got me a pair of jeans I gave it to my MIL for my SIL coz my MIL liked it for my SIL. 2 days back when my MIL was in her nagging mode to my DH and me (on some sweets which came from home and we gave a huge box of sweets to my MIL's SIL which my MIL didn't want to give but she had to give and later she was angry that I should have asked my family what all sweets were there in the boxes), she raised this dress material issue saying seeing my behavior she doesn't feel like asking me to give anything from my home to her relatives (DH had told MIL that she gave a very expensive sweet box to bua so she was trying to portray that it was me who didn't want to give the sweets box to bua when my MIL was feeling annoyed that she gave so much to her SIL who is so greedy (my MIL calls her SIL greedy) and doesn't get anything for her kids i.e. us and my SIL. My DH asked me if I can give that dress material to my SIL now. I got really annoyed. I dont want to give it as I got from my aunt and we always give things to my SIL and her hubby. Still my MIL feels we don't and keeps asking my DH to do more for them. He does it I don't object but it doesn't mean I should give my things to my SIL. I also got to know from my maid that in my absence my MIL was uttering nonsense about me to my DH like I don't keep the house clean, don't manage the house well and that my MIL has to do it all (she even said this to my maid and before our maid also my MIL gives her lectures on my MIL's efficiency on house cleaning and house managements to me) and that I spend money unnecessarily (I am earning still she acts and gives me lectures on staying within budget as if she is paying for me and I am dependent on her son for all my requirements, I feel like telling her that I also earn and contribute to ur son's finances but can't tell her).
    I am really pissed off with my MIL's cheap behavior and her pretended goodness (she says she just says things but she doesn't hold any ill-will against me). I have started hating her now, and my hubby says u don't make any effort to create understanding and affection with my mother. I wanna tell him that I hate my MIL's cheap behavior and two faced acts but I can't. Please advice what should I do? At times I really bother that my MIL will brainwash my DH as she consistently keeps cribbing about me and my ways and her dissatisfaction on my ways managing the house and my habits and the fact that I am trying to be close friends with my SIL. I don't feel like talking to my MIL now and don't feel like calling her when she is away. My hubby feels I am not treating my MIL with love and care she is craving, but I have started hating my MIL now. What should I do? Shall I pretend to be good to my MIL coz at the end of the day my hubby suffers and hears her nonsense for our love marriage?
     
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  2. rekbal

    rekbal Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Friend,

    I understand your frustration which you are undergoing... I am sorry for it.. But our husbands are the one who will be suffering more than us becas they cant give up their mother nor us... But still you can do one thing here for your husband... Be yourself and be as your DH tells... But it doesnt mean that you have to give up on things which you like... But prove your husband that you can do things as he expects... But at the same time i expect the same... When he believes that you are doing what ever he feels like or you are caring his mom, he will be quiet when his mother nags him... But one point of time when you think this problem grows bigger and you think that you can tolerate it... Pls dont have things within you share whatever is in your mind and heart with your husband... tell hm everything what you undergone and what you felt.... and then ask him what should you do even though you are hurt... But dont ignore MIL as she old... When people get old they behave like this... So dont worry abt it... be as you are and try to be caring to MIL(as a duty of DIL)...
     
  3. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply dear but my MIL is never happy with what I do. She will find fault and issues with everything I do and she will say "I don't mean anything, I just tell it, I don't think bad about you. It's you who hold ill feelings on what I say and don't behave well with me!"
    She is insecure for the fact that my hubby married me when she wanted a girl from her own community. She eventually agreed and now she wants to change everything about me and wants me to behave and act like my SIL. Before she tried her level best that I dress up, act, behave like my SIL, but later she realised that it won't be possible, so now her nagging her increased more. Every morning when I get ready for office, her lectures start from my cooking to getting ready for office (u can't do this, y don't u do this and blah blah). In the evening also these lectures go on on how to spend time on home management, on cooking, how to spend on groceries and how much I waste money on shopping (giving examples of how well my SIL does all this wisely as per my MIL). She won't let me pay my maid for extra work and she will expect me to do it saying u don't know how to manage maids, which I can't do as I am working and I need sometime for myself on weekend. It gets on my nerves still I can't tell her that I am paying for the maid either get it done or do it urself!
    Now I have decided that I will do as much as I can for all that she says and expects. I will be polite and friendly but I can't be emotionally close to her (seeing all her drama b4 my SIL, complains to my parents and her shouting on me saying I married her son for the reason that he is well settled and I just want go to office, do no house work and spend money). She is nagging me for petty issues and blames me that I am not adjusting in the house and I am not cooperating with her which really hurts me and doesn't make me feel like respecting her anymore. Before I was thinking how to make my relations better with her, but after seeing her nagging and suspicious behavior in past 15-20 days, the way she portrayed me as a selfish who doesn't want to give anything to her SIL and blamed me for giving tension to her son (my hubby), I feel it is better if I maintain some distance with her for my mental well being. I just don't know how should I do it that it doesn't create issues with my hubby..any suggestions? shakehead
     
  4. mybaby1

    mybaby1 Gold IL'ite

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    i think you should confront her & just end the issue.as she don't like you what i have felt from the post so i think taking pain to change her , loosing your mental peace is of no use as she will not change.whenever yu get a chance, ask her what she does for her SIL so that she expect you to do for yours.i have seen some like this. make your husband clear that you will not share your things with your sil.i really don't understand who has made such idiotic rituals and especially MIL who themselves wont do anything but want their DIL to do everything.

    marriage is between two persons so its duty f both to keep it, so its also your husbands resonsibility to see what you are going through and if you are trying to adjust with his familt, his family also does the same.relationship is never oneway.
     
  5. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi dear..thanks for the reply but confronting her wont resolve the issue. I can definitely reply back and tell her things abt her but it wont be the end of it! At the end of the day my relation with my hubby matters and I don't wanna spoil it as he tries his best to make things easy for me. He tells me that I should do the needful what is required and ignore her nonsense talks. I know she doesn't like me but for her I don't wont to spoil my married life as I have to keep my hubby's feelings in mind (he will be hurt is I treat his mom disrespectfully and he has seen that his mom utters nonsense still I don't reply and ignore for which he respects me). As far sharing things with SIL is concerned, even if I give something of mine to her, my hubby will get me what I want so I don't think much about giving as I know I can get those things anytime. What bugs is my MIL's two faced behavior where she shows she is so good and hold no ill-will against me and at the same she will think so bad about me (and nag me too)!
    I think I need to be tactful while dealing with her but I don't understand how? I need help on this.. shakehead
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2012
  6. mybaby1

    mybaby1 Gold IL'ite

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    hi, first of all i would like to clear that reply need not to be a fight all the time it can be in a very cool and calm way also so that it don't hurt anyone.I have followed this that is why i suggested you also i use t tell my MIL if i did not want to do something in a clear cool manner.once she got that i am not going to follow any of her orders blindly she now don't give me instructions/and also got this that i like to do things my own way so no nagging also.I always tell her that no two persons are same but not fighting with her but in a cordial manner, giving example of her own children that they are not alike and don't do things in the same manner.

    i think the best policy would be the same what you are following TO IGNORE in your case, gradually when she will see that you are not reacting to her nusence she will slow down.i think she won't stop; then too will slow i guess.
    to a certain extent only we can change anyones basic nature so completely changing her i don't think so that it is going to be possible ever.so just learn to live with this..with a deaf ear.. :)
     
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  7. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    You know dear I have done this. I have told her calmly that I have different way of doing certain things but she still doesn't seem to understand. On certain things now she doesn't say anything but on few things she has to nag me! :spin
    I think if I turn deaf that will be better as she will know I wont pay attention to her nagging and I think after an year she is getting this idea slowly that I wont listen to her constant complaints..so lets see how things turn up..will take tips from u if required.. :)
     
  8. seagreen

    seagreen Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    When i read your story i felt i am talking to my clone :) I too have gone through many such phases in the 3.5 years of my marriage. My MIL only talks about my SIL and her money and greatness. Here are a couple of things i did which made it a little better. Though our situation was a little different because my SIL stays in US and we were in India that time.

    1. Whenever my parents have to send something for any festival or something i completely discuss it with them first. i insist on my mom giving things which i will not mind giving up. For e.g. things like sweet boxes, chcolates, exotic biscuits etc which my MIL cannot reserve for her DD.

    2. Even though its tempting, if my MIL likes smthing of mine i very happily hand it over and make sure my DH knows about it.Once my mom gave me a very expensive bedsheet to which my MIL said was given to her and not me and she wants to give it to her DD. I told my DH that if she wants it she can take it because i dont care to fight over petty things like bedsheets. I told him that if i need it i will get it from my own money.

    3. Try to shop for clothes when you are at your parents place. That ways i didnt need to show my MIL my shopping and could be more free about what to buy irrespective of the cost.

    4. Whenever you have to go shop with your MIL, TAKE YOUR DH ALONG. believe me, it really works. For e.g. i once went shopping for suits with my MIL so i asked my DH to come along. Everytime the shopkeeper would show something which she liked and i didnt, i very subtly told her maybe we should buy it for my SIL. Not only that made her happy, it made my DH also realize how we always end up shopping for his sister.

    5. although this depends upon traditions and family, but i have more or less instructed my mom to give her money instead of any suit/saree on any festival. This ensures that she doesnt crib about the choice of my mom plus she is happy to do whatever with that money.

    Honestly, i feel that MIL and DIL relationship is such (esp if u have SIL also) that you will always be at loggerheads, maybe less or maybe a lot. and it takes a lot of understanding from your DH to help you sort out that confusion. Instead of confronting my MIL i used to talk to my DH on this. Like my MIL's choice of clothes is very different from me. She likes all the dull and elderly colors, which i dont and on top of it she doesnt like if anyone criticizes her choice (esp me). So after accepting a couple of gifts from her, i told my husband that our choices dont match. i dont say anything to er, but its a waste of money to get clothes which i wont wear. He understood and told me next time she gives u smthing, i will ask her to take you along and make your own choice. So i believe if you have a healthy conversation with your DH without criticizing his mom (remember no one can hear anything against their mother) it will work, Sooner or later.
     
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  9. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks Seagreen for the useful tips! :)
    I will keep them in mind and apply them next time when required.. :thumbsup
     
  10. shilpases

    shilpases Senior IL'ite

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    Seagreen ... I love your tips :) I dont have a SIL so I dont know much about these things ...

    As for Silvertulip ..my heart goes out to you ...I can imagine how it would be if my MIL takes clothes from me and gives it to her daughter... I think the next time you go shopping you should buy everything in twos ...one for you and one for your SIL.. that might help. These are your stuff and you can tell your MIL that she can borrow it but not give it away. You should tell her that it is a gift for you and your relatives expect you to wear it/use it probably the next time you visit them. I suggest you dont tell her how much things cost. If you are OK spending that much then you dont have to tell her exactly how much it cost. Hope it helps :)
    I wish you luck :)
     

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