MIL's story.......I am MIL.

pman, Thank you and here are the answers.

Do you wish your DIL on her birthdays? Wedding anniversary?Kids birthdays? Festivals?

I can never forget birthdays, anniversaries. Even my brothers and sisters used to get surprised how I remember theirs too till this day. I am the one who will pick up phone and call DIL, both, and wish them on their birthdays and anniversaries and festivals. Until the time when my US DIL stopped taking my calls.

Who went to help her during delivery? Did she have a c-sec? If so, did you enquire about her pain?

For a girl at that time always mother is the most comfortable person to be with. Her mother went and what problem can I have with that? I was more than happy. She had natural deliveries. I used to call every day during the first few days after delivery and when they came home from hospital......to ask how she is doing and how is baby. After sometime her mother started taking the phone and give some or the other excuse for not giving DIL the phone. Even after sometime there will not be a call from their side. So, I sensed that I should reduce now and so made calls but less frequently.

Did you ask her how she copes up with managing 2kids?

Whenever we went to US...3 times till last time, I will make lunch and dinner everyday because anyway we do nothing sitting at home. I used to say often that it is tough for women to manage here since there is no domestic help also. Though I have not asked the exact same question as yours but I hope this conveys. I used to take kids out for a walk while she does the weekend cooking or if she called someone for dinner. Weekdays I used to cook and also pack their lunch boxes. Since you asked I am telling you this not to tell I did something great. Any mother does this and so I thought I am doing for my children.....Son/DIL/Kids.

Do you involve her in family discussions?

Even if we want her to sit with us she will not. Once we were planning on having a function (traditional) and when they came to India for visit. We decided that in the night after dinner we all will talk on the planning. My 2nd son and DIL also came to visit. 2nd DIL was at her mothers house and son called her to come for night. She came in the evening. 1st DIL knows but at 5pm she said she needs to go to her parents place and will come after a day. I asked her if there is anything urgent, did you get any phone call or what happened because if not then stay for night and go in the morning since we will chalk out our planning. She just said, NO I have to go and went. So, that may answer your question.

Do you express your happiness over her achievements?

Whatever is our relationship, but one thing is I am proud of both my DILs.
They are both well educated and hard working. My elder DIL after her MS, I have given her a pendant (10gms gold) as gift. She was happy. My younger DIL did not study after marriage as she was already into job but she is good singer. Her programme was aired on TV and we alll went to watch. My husband and I gave her a gold bracelet as a gift after that.
I will tell you one fact since this question came up. I have never given my own children any gifts for their achievements. Except saying WELL DONE to my elder son after his Ph.d. and making his favorite sweet when he came home, I have never given special gifts. Even same for my 2nd son and daughter. Not that I want to show off or treat my DILs differently but want to show them how much we care for their acheivements and hardwork. That special effort of expressing ourselves is needed when it comes to other than our own children.


i would like to know your thoughts what if your daughter was in DIL's place where your SNIL wanted to go abroad in a hurry only after marriage? What if your Snil's parents wanted to postpone marriage bcos of his sister's wedding?

We would respect any sentiments attached to their family tradition and there was no need to fear and hurry since they were anyway not living in the same state and we promised we will do everything in one year.
I can understand parents fear if they lived under one roof or in same place. So, that answers that we would agree to wait since they promised us. We would atleast trust that much on a person my daughter loved and not hurt them by shouting and telling unnecessary things just so blindly. You might have read the reason for us to stop our own daughter's marriage for a year was there was a death in snil's extended family and they do not have marriage within a year after any death so we had to wait too.

Hope I could answer your questions.

No amount of anything worked. We suspected the initial wait time we asked for marriage upset her and so many times I have talked alone too that we have let that go, but she never lets go. It is hard when you make up your mind, if you have already decided then is there no scope for the other person. She is not ready to talk and get over too. After marriage we have never interfered in any child's matter. My 2nd son lives 2hrs from us. We visit them only ocassionally.

I can say YES we involve her in every matter.......she knows that too.
As I have told the above poster too we try to involve her in any discussions but she finds some reason to stay away. For us our children are more than any relative so we try to have family functions if possible only when children can come.

NO. My daughter and I dont talk on this at all. She is friendly to both DILs.
With 2nd one she talks more since there is response but with 1st one it is very very formal talk.....I think they talk when they first met, it never got close between them after that. But I never never involve my daughter in our matter.
Even though they live in same country, my DIL hardly invites my daughter to her house for vacation. My daughter gifts her brother's kids every year on new year.

As I told other posters too, I have never done to make her so unhappy. Sometimes when you see something you are reminded of somebody, it was something like that incident. And more than that I have praised her on other thing right in front of her and her husband.

I think the bold part is tough now. It has to be both sides.
No matter how much I try from my side, if you keep yourself firm that you will not change it is never going to happen. Whenever I see something while shopping if I can buy I will buy 3.....for 2 DILs and daughter. So, I have never seen them as separate.

My daughter's side I have already told you in the above answers. For my DIL I know she made lot of effort in the beginning calling on elder DIL's birthdays and anniversaries but after that stopped because she did not get reciprocated. She will always gift saree/dress and for kids whenever they come to India for visits and call them for dinner/lunch. My elder DIL never gets anything from US for her cosister as a gift..........this also I came to know recently through some talk and that too through elder DIL only telling she does not like taking gifts for anyone in India anytime and never took.

I am not in US. We recently returned and this is 3rd time we went each time for 2-3 months. My husband I decided from now on we will not go to US. Why should we go when we get that cold treatment and how much ever we try she will not talk properly so we better stay happy here. It is good for us and them. They can visit us if they wish. She is the mother and if she does not want to leave kids even for a single night with us then no problem we have no complaints now. We used to feel bad earlier but now it is like this.....we have other grand children too. But we hope she will come around and understand our feelings for her.

Hope I was clear and answered all you questions.

 

Thank you. Yes, you are right. Reading other people's point of view on our matters or others issues and relating to our issues makes us see things in a different way and sometimes makes us realize our mistakes and correct them. Correct! It will make us wiser.

No!! NO!! Don't feel bad. Listen, I need to see from DIL side too....right? And by your post and other young ladies posts it made me see from that point of view also. Good that you came up so frankly. Thank you.

Believe me, I have not expressed anything to my son till today.My husband and I do not want him to get dragged into this. Reason is you might be knowing how men will react if their mother starts expressing her unhappiness over something his wife did. He will immediately react strongly and that will spoil their relationship. They are both happy so why should we disturb that. And she is a grown up so I thought I can talk to her calmly and get it across without my son into this. Sometimes, men will leave the actual problem and start seeing other things all unnecessary ones. That is why I wanted to avoid my son in this. But anyway, nothing to worry, she is still young and with age she will understand our feelings towards her.

Yes, this is the only solution. The day my sons got married, we (my husband and I) considered DILs are our family members. I even tell them that. I talk to them about relatives, our life when children were small, share every bit of my family story with them. These days my 2nd DIL knows more about our relatives than my daughter because she has stopped catching up this side completely as she is busy with her husband's family and their relatives. Even for festival, though they live far, I call them wish them, ask what specials they are making and tell my side. Anyway, I hope my 1st DIL will understand that we are only trying to bring her closer and not misunderstand as interfering.
And that is why my husband and I decided we will not go to US anymore to visit them. When they come we will be as we are now and carry on.

Thank you and hope you also find happiness with your MIL.

 

Yes, Preethi that is what we have decided to do now after our recent US trip. My husband and I decided we will not go anymore to visit them and if they come it is alright. We will be nice to them as now. Because sometimes lot of time is needed to settle things in mind, so we will leave it there now. She is young and will understand over time. We hope that.
Thank you for your post.

:rotfl:rotfl Thank you asuitablegirl and SriVidya for your compliments.

But I will not exchange my current two DILs for anything in this world.....not even you .........sorrrrryyyyyyy.........Pls dont mind.......:biglaugh


I have two lovely ladies as my DILs and I am very happy with them. So what if one is moody with us?? She will get over and be fine.
After all, she is one in our family. We are enough people to make her happy.thumbsup

Thank you.