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MIL's story.......I am MIL.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Jayanthi2010, Feb 25, 2010.

  1. Mihisha

    Mihisha Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Mam,

    I am replying you without reading the other posts right now because I am excited to tell you few things that might get forgotten...

    I am ~ 80% like your US-DIL's shoes right now. But I dont have kids and I dont have a MIL who openly asks me "whats wrong? why are you like this to us"? to improve relations..and we are never ever gifted anything frm our ILs.
    We too had a love marriage and right from beginning, there were few differences. Everything was made goody-goody by my husband who led me into thinking that the awkwardness is just I am imagining..My co-sister is loved by my MIL and I too have same point to say that my ILs have selfish reason to love her more as she stays with them. I feel that way, What makes me feel this way is because ILs give too much importance to her inspite of she being almost a decade younger to me....I can imagine a situation where my MIL is feeling this way and I can list few things that would improve my relation with her.....here are those few points:

    1. Go back in time when this US-DIL came into your life, and till now.... Think from your heart, can you remember any incident or any particular occassion where you now admit to your conscience that should not have happened from your side (you/ur husband) and it might have hurt her ? List those things, if there are any, and try to apologize to her genuinely....She wud melt :)

    2. Did you anytime miss involving your DIL on important occassions like housewarming/anniversary/birthdays/get togethers at home? .. Did you involve her in each and every festival and get-together of yours in India like a true family member? In India, we have so many relatives that we dont feel lonely.. but here.. I know.. I can understand how much painful it is.. when back in home there is some nice occassion/ get-together and my ILs completely dont bother to say " we missed you".... This atittude of them has made me someone similar as your US-DIL.. I am fed up of my ILs and I want to live my life in peace far away from them because they hurt me so much!

    3. How is the relation between your DIL and daughter? If there was some friction between them, make sure you are just and fair in concluding anything from such things..

    4. If you think she feels bad frm praising india-DIL, dont praise for now... until your US-DIL becomes fine with you... Praise her for small reasons! Genuinely of course! else she might catch you if u do otherwise....

    5. Gift her something from your heart.. for e.g. cooking something she loves, if you stitch, making something for her.. with her name on it.. some thing that could tweek her emotions for you....try to get emotionally attached with her as if she is your daughter.....

    6. Do the SIL and co -sister call her sometimes ? do they talk over phone?

    If she is elder bahu, gift her that stature.. by involving her in all family matters and make sure everyone respects her ( her cosister and SIL ).. She would melt and become a good person....

    normally a person behaves this way because he/she is bitter about things that might have hurt him/her... causing them to withdraw in shell..... Not leaving kids alone with you and not spending enough time with you is a clear signal that she has been extremely hurt by her ILs.... Please also try to involve your son in these discussions , now that you are in US, talk to them face-to-face..... telephonic conversations have a lot of scope for misunderstandings..

    Keep me posted....
     
  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Madam

    That was my MILs approach:) It did make me feel good and I felt she likes my cooking...So gave that from my experience:idea hope it works out for you too
     
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Mihisha

    Awesome girl...really good points...and it also shows how much hurt you were and you are so clear about what would make you happy...hope things get better with your MIL in future. good luck dear
     
  4. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    Hello Jayanthi,

    My take in this will be a little different. I think your son is more responsible for this situation than your DIL. What did your son do when your DIL's parents were shouting at you? And what stopped him from telling you about his intentions? The girl's parents must have been in the know from the beginning and you came to know about it only in the last minute. You would have been mentally prepared for that had you known about it earlier.

    And I dont believe that once you marry your kids off, they are also emotionally distanced from you. Girls never do that but why expect the boys to do that ? I dont mean that they should give their parents right of harmful interference but minimum courtesy can definitely be expected.

    Frankly you can just forget about expecting anything from her and get on with who you feel comfortable with. Everybody has a right to be happy whether it is MIL or DIL. You tried your best and now leave the rest to God. Maybe in time, things will look up or else you continue your policy of non intereference and get on with other things in your life.
     
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Jayanthi mam,
    I'll give you reason why I started avoiding calls from my MIL.. she might have never noticed & remember it and still wondering what went wrong:

    1) She wanted a baby within first year of marriage... but there was just no x-life between me and DH, 5th mnth post marriage I came back from super market and unpacked Whisper & was taking it to my room.. she commented you still need them? Oh actually my Kitty party ladies wanted to know when will i get my grandson.. dont worry they're uneducated... I dint say anything and she continued... Ok so when will you stop protection.. I said there's none... Ok so go to doc.. there must be some problem then.... For even once she never asked how was our x-life or anything that put doubt on son.. even when he never came into bedroom and watched TV with her till 12 and played games until 3 am.

    2) I visited my parents & her house in equal number of visits and days, still when I went to my mom's house & I would call to share all exciting things with her.. she said... ok how many Kgs did you increase? My poor son would have got starved.

    3) Anything I shall discuss with her she would put blame on me and my parents & the amount & type of gifts during marriage ceremony.

    4) She cant stand me mentioning my parents in front of kids or kids calling out for me... but they love to tell children slyly that let your mother go to office.. its more important as per her but for us you're more important.

    There are lot many things when ladies speak using 3rd person, I dont say only MILs but also mothers equally speak a lot of insensitive sentences which they heard as a part of their upbringing and just pass it on never realising how much it can impair their relationship.

    Finally I decided that I'll talk to her on phone only once I can produce a son, finally when it did happen it was too late & my son was born with many medical problems that reconciliation is beyond imagination now. I think certain relationships are just not worth the effort putting into it.. atleast I realised it now.
     
  6. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    Madam,

    This statement in bold in my take on your situation. Your son passively sat by and watched his future fil threaten to file police case against you. He passively sat by and watched his future fil push his father. He sat quietly when his wife-to-be said you were uneducated because of your sentiment. Your son did not care for your sentiment. So, the first thing you should acknowledge is your son is your problem, not dil. In my community too, same tradition exists. It is not sentiment but tradition. Girls whose brothers get married first usually face tough situation in marriage market unless they have love marriages. So I know where you are coming from. You were worried for daughter's future.

    My parents have same problem. They have a bad dil, but they have WORST son! My brother is a pucca joru-ka-gulaam, a patni-das, whatever his wife says, no matter how unfair, he will nod his head and do as she is bidding. Your son is doing same thing. If he was really a good and dutiful son, he should have told you about his affair first itself. His girl-friend's parents must have known before itself but he kept you in the dark till the last minute. I don't see any reason why unmarried girls cannot go to US esp if they were staying in different state. It wasn't like they (daughter & future snil) were going to live together for her father to be worried. I think girl's father was worried that your son would dump her and wanted the marriage in a hurry and like a real moron your son nodded his head with everything his wife and her family was saying.

    I think you have a big heart to forgive this girl for calling you uneducated and for forgiving your son his weakness and lack of protection for you. He should have calmly explained his desire to marry to you and to his girlfriend's parents or at least intervened when girl's father threatened to call police.

    So I am telling you - dil and dil's parents are not people who are related to you or known to you. But your son is your son. If he himself doesn't respect you then why you expect respect and consideration from dil?

    First you let go of such expectations. Talk to your son. But do it in dil's presence. Have an open meeting. And stop this nonsense of grandchildren spending only 3 days with you and rest 18 days with her parents. If those children were born to your son, you have equal rights on them, so the kids should be spending equal days with you. This, only your son can enforce. If he says he cannot do this then don't care for him anymore. You have other children and other grandchildren. Don't lose heart and don't be discouraged because this son and his kids don't give you due respect or love. Be with those who love you and respect you.

    Also don't give them any property. They want property but don't want to give you the respect and affection or time with grandchildren? Sound quite entitled people. You give property only to those children who respect you. Or give property to CHARITY. At least then you will get God's blessings. Never give assets to such ungrateful entitled brats.

    Karma has very long memory. What goes around, surely comes around. They also have children who will grow up and get married, no? Then they will see how difficult managing children-in-law and children-in-law's parents are esp when children-in-law's parents are threatening to call police on them!
     
  7. SupSam

    SupSam Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Maam,

    I really appreciate your thoughts of not being interfering in laws. I honestly have never been in favor of the point that one should not expect from relationships as some say. Yes not each time in laws are bad or troublesome. AT times its just the individual differences between 2 natures or priorities or living habits over the years and at times some party is really being troublesome.

    We are human and out of the many roaming and living around we establish relations with some...strong with some...formal with others...close with yet others and this categorisation is purely based on expectations being fulfilled or not. I dont agree that in case of friendship or in laws, we assume not to expect and if its your own child or husband we have the right to expect. I think all relationships have expectations that should be met and there should be a silent limit to those expectations too . I agree that your DIL is keeping herself simply away..whatever be the reason for that and still am glad that still your son is close to you both at his heart.

    I feel I am too young to speak anything for this and moreover I feel your DIL is not a kid to be counselled to be a good DIL, that depends upon her nature or else her husband should take notice of this and talk to her calmly.

    Regards.
     
  8. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Ma'am I appreciate your decision to stay away from grown up kids and giving them their space and enjoying your privacy as well.

    I always wished that all elders have similar thoughts like u people, but very few people in India have this attitude.

    Your US DIL seems to be very sensitive and immatured even at this age. I feel sorry that she cannot understand what the grandparents love is for their grand children.

    Though my MIL is not very close to my daughter but I always see to it she spends some time with my PIL's.
     
  9. Jayanthi2010

    Jayanthi2010 New IL'ite

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    Thank you

    Thank you

    Actually, I do not want to drag in my son on keeping kids with this. If she is not willing then it is fine, after all she is also the parent.
    Thank you for your thoughtful writing.

    Thanks and I have all the replies in my next post.

    Thank you and I have detailed reply in my next post.

    Thank you kma. I am trying to see where something went wrong. We never interfere because we know very well how that can cause harm.

    Thanks for the post. It is hurtful when your MIL raises your personal matter. Hope you find peace with her.

    Yes, that is what we have also tried telling them but failed.

    Even though we felt bad we tried forgeting the past thinking once the girl comes to our house she is our person and we should let go the past and accept her. That is good for all of us. What is the point in holding all that grudge? No matter how much we tried going closer we see no response from her. As for my son, you might already be knowing since you said your parents are also in this position, we have forgiven long back and we are fine. Actually, we are happy for him that he got such good wife.

    We do not want to involve son in this because she may feel bad. We want it willingly from her, after all she is the mother of the children. If we tell son then that may only cause more friction between them and we do not want to be the cause of it.



    Thank you for your post.

    Thank you blessed. It is nice to hear that your PIL and your daughter have good time.
     
  10. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Jayanthi.... it's really admirable that you do not want to force the relationship or try to over power her in order to see your grandkids more often. You're right, she's ultimately the mother and it's her choice. How I think of it, is you know how when you go bird watching in the wild... if you make a lot of noise and try to trick the bird into coming over it'll fly away. But if you are quiet and nonthreatening, the bird usually comes very close to you. That's how I see this relationship with your US dil.

    It could be that in her mind, she feels you were not for this marriage and that you favor your India dil more than her. I think it was Sridivya who said, try to butter her up by asking her for recipes or something like that. That's a great idea. Show her that your aren't just USING her to get to your son and grandkids... that you are genuinely interested in building a relationship with HER. Try subtle and simple techniques like that, just don't break your back bending over for her, right? :)
     

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