1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Mil Wants To Keep My Gold At Her Place

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by nakshatra1, Jul 25, 2017.

  1. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    325
    Likes Received:
    587
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Don't lose your cool but keep insisting that you need your jewellery where you live. Insist that it is a sentimental(because its your parents' gift to you), convenience and practicality issue than trust. Don't give into their power struggle.

    Like others said, trust is a 2 way street. Takes time and reasons to build. But if your argue these points it will damage your relation with your husband.
     
  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,481
    Likes Received:
    30,224
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    That is what I don't get whenever this topic comes up. Why do MILs or in-laws think it is okay to ask the DIL to "keep" the jewelry with them? The only situation I can think where it might make some sense is that the married son and DIL are living in the same house, and the family does not want to keep the new bride's jewelry at home for security reasons. Even then, a separate locker is better. With hopefully a husband who understands that not giving his parents a copy of the key or code is fine.

    Why even suggest the idea to a new DIL who will then have to rack her brains for a polite reply. Why not tell her, 'we have a locker if you'd like to share'. And leave it at that!

    This "MIL wants DIL to dress up and wear jewelry when visiting relatives".. I wonder how the men would feel if they were told to wear certain type of clothes or footwear at certain times. Man to man grooming advice, from FIL to son-in-law.

    Where I come from, it is common for the new bahu to bring lots of jewelry, which disappears (back to her folks) in a few months. : ) Rented or borrowed jewelry. : ) To ensure such disappearances do not happen, MILs try to take over the jewelry. : )

    This sharing locker business with old folks is very dicey. Never know what formalities are needed when the owner of the locker passes away. It is funny, very funny, how people and their intentions can change when they need money or think that the rightful owner doesn't really need it as much as they do.
     
    yellowmango and Sandycandy like this.
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Not only do they have the audacity to ask but also treat there sons as ' collectors'.....if she doesn't hand over ,get the son to pressurize her to give ,get the son's to do the ' vasuli' like emotional 'gundas' on behalf of the mil. They don't care if it spoils the relationship between the newly married couple.


    @Rihana ....my mom told me that in the old days in the village,sometimes ,even the wedding saree used to be borrowed.
    It was understood that except for a few pieces of jewellery, most would be returned to the owners.
    Our villages are pretty small and most people used to lend something or the other. :)
    This was specially true for wedding which were done in a hurry.
     
    Sandycandy likes this.
  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,807
    Likes Received:
    5,249
    Trophy Points:
    383
    Gender:
    Female
    Can the husband be accused of not trusting you as an adult to take care of your own jewelry ? Next they won't trust you with your own salary , once you start working.
    Be polite but very very firm. No point beating around the bush and avoiding the problem. Tell them firmly that your jewellery stays with you, period. Don't make the mistake of carrying your jewellery when you visit the IL, avoid any confrontations there. Carry your imitation jewellery.

     
  5. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,037
    Likes Received:
    8,379
    Trophy Points:
    460
    Gender:
    Female
    Money and relationships quite simply do not mix. :shakehead:

    Each person should hold on to their own stuff and stay away from everyone else's.
    .
     
    nakshatra1 and Sandycandy like this.
  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    11,157
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Don't make it a trust issue. Next week there is varamahalakshmi Pooja. New bride needs to wear her jewels. Week after, somebody's marriage. Even if it is door ke rishtedaar, you have to wear jewelry, nahi toh log Kya kahenge? Week after than is Gowri Pooja, Onam comes, navarathri, Diwali etc etc during which you will be invited to many homes and need to wear your stuff as a newly wed. By the end of the year, message will be clear. Saying no without saying so is something that I had to learn with a lot of experience. I hope someone had told me that being straightforward sometimes leads to issues. Try this.
     
    Sandycandy and Amica like this.
  7. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    2,179
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    here is my conspiracy theory:;)
    In these modern days, (what with all the 1gram-gold jewellery for office-going girls to wear) it is even possible to marry off a daughter completely decked out in fake jewellery, and nobody is the wiser, so long as the DIL lives away, and refuses to handover the wedding-jewels for a close inspection, and weighing.

    In old traditions, the in-law household would want to verify with their own family jewellers that the DIL had brought in real gold.
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2017
    Laks09, yellowmango, Rihana and 3 others like this.
  8. IniyaaSri

    IniyaaSri IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,711
    Likes Received:
    5,476
    Trophy Points:
    415
    Gender:
    Female
    @nakshatra1

    Think about what WiseAgnes and Laks09 has suggested.
    Even I have mentioned the same.
    Lets say you are giving your jewelry to your mother-in-law! Next the family will start extending their control over your salary, then your decisions, then your freedom.....They find immense pleasure in controlling the DILs. God only knows the reason! Moreover your mother in law has already cheated her own son and got money from him for mangalsutra. So trusting her again is :sconf:

    Just tell them you are going to celebrate varalakshmi pooja, then next vinayagar chathurthi, then many small and big festivals are queued up(pretend celebrating everything, even if you dont have the habit of : P ). Tell everyone that you want to wear the jewels. Indirectly make it clear that you want the jewels to be with you.

    Enough of the days where daughter in laws have been treated as slaves!!! Lets stay strong and break the stupidity so that at least our daughters will live in peace!!!

    But never make the conversation rude, tell everything with a smile. You see Indian men will never accept a harsh conversation with their moms. Try making your husband understand!!! why dont you try a sympathy tone?

    May be something like "Shouldn't I wear MY jewels during poojas and functions? Should the jewels be always sleeping in locker?" keep a dull innocent face... Keep trying something or the other. But never be rude. That is very important. And by the way, do not get tensed or emotional over this issue. Keep your mind calm!!! Think of all the clever ways and stay strong! You can have Plan A, Plan B, C ,D ...... think!

    Finally, its easy to give up. Anyway its you who have to decide.And also you can have a small word with your real time friends who can give you suggestions based on their experience as well.

    And ask your Husband would he keep his assets with your father?
    When he gives you a puzzled look, ask him "So just because am a woman, I need to give my assests to your mom and just because you are a man, you wont give to my dad. Is it so?!!" Ask him directly. See his response. You will know how you will be treated in the future.

    All the best!

    For we Indian woman, every petty thing is a war to face:facepalm: thats how it has been made up!!!
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2017
    Sandycandy likes this.
  9. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    227
    Likes Received:
    269
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Op,

    Here are my suggestions, for you.

    1. Some Nationalized banks have an option like "Only the primary account holder can access the locker", you can go for a new bank locker and "Check" the option of single access, in that scenario the other party have to take a written permission from you for accessing the locker.

    2. Go for same imitation jewelry similar design and give it to your MIL in presence of your DH & if possible get the same written in a stamp paper notarized (once u say these conditions they will back off) be firm and don't get deviated.

    3. As said by one op "Nonya", they might be verifying it with their family jeweler. If you are questioned by your in laws, you can always counter question them ;) (the ball will be in your court).

    4. Preserve the gold & its bills in your custody (separate locker) solely in your maiden name.

    All my friends/relatives/neighbors who ever have handed over their jewels to their in laws have never got them back.

    Best Regards,
     
    Amica and Sandycandy like this.
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Op....next time your husband brings up this issue,put an end to it. Calmly and firmly tell him you will keep your gold with yourself and you do not want to hear about your gold issue again. Period.

    This may result in a fight or some silent treatment ....just ignore. Go about being pleasant at home . He will convey the message to his mother.

    You can add your husband's name to the locker and ask him to keep his valuable,important papers there if he wishes.

    This will bring short term turmoil but long term peace.
    Your husband and in laws will be upset but they will realise that they cannot control and manipulate you .
     
    Dishaa likes this.

Share This Page