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Mil Visiting For 6 Months - Feeling Anxious

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by KayaCholan, Feb 13, 2019.

  1. KayaCholan

    KayaCholan Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi everyone,

    Need your advise on how to deal with In Laws visiting for extended periods of time.

    A little bit of context - Hubby and I live overseas and have been married for 10 years. We had a love marriage and our families happily accepted our marriage.

    My In laws visit every once in a while but for an extended period of time when they do. In this instance my MIL is visiting for 6 months. Its fair to say I am not very fond of her and her behaviour irks me and I will explain why with some examples. 2 days after my marriage, when I was alone with her in the kitchen she asked me about dowry. She asked me to show how many gold and cash my parents as it was the tradition and she wants to know. She was careful to not say this in front of her son because she knew he wouldnt like it. My independent girl brain hated it and was greatly annoyed at her petty thinking inspite of her constantly boasting about her education and her degrees. Needless to say, I completely ignored that conversation and went about my life because i dint believe in showing her anything. But I told my husband about it privately and told him strictly that I will not be subscribing to this thinking and will not oblige. He said that was understandable and was shocked his mom asked me that. But that was it. We never spoke about it again and we both moved on.

    My in laws come from a very well known family who had a lot of money in the past but ended up losing a lot of it during the course of my husband growing up. So when my husband introduced me to their family they happily accepted because in their eyes I came from a strong financial background which was important to them. My family is not as well known as theirs, we are a common higher middle class family where my parents made some smart investment decisions leading to a good life now. My MIL constantly boasts about her family background and constantly puts my family down to me by rubbing it to me that we are not socially well known like them. When I say constantly I mean every day she will find a way to talk about the family, she will find some way to relate everything to it and start boasting and indirectly talking down.

    She is also very lazy (due to age) and egoistic and will not do any work around the house because she believes she is the mom in law and needs to be treated like a queen. She has mentioned this to me several times where her "neighbours" aunties are being looked after by daughter in laws by cooking and cleaning and doing everything. So she has made it very clear she wont do anything around the house. I dont expect her to do anything for me but if someone is staying over for a long period of time, its natural to expect they make themselves useful around the house. But she wont. Again this irks me. I understand due to age she cant do a lot which is understandable but there are certain things she can easily do but she will not. She will just sit watching Tv all day or sleep.

    Husband and I both work full time and we both have hectic jobs. She will expect the house to be spic and span and if it is not she will say something indirect about how her daughter keeps her house super clean etc etc. I would like to add that we always maintain a clean house and so I dont pay that much attention to what she says but still this adds pressure in my mind to keep it extra clean so she wont have anything to say. With my hectic job pressure plus added pressure of clean house leaves me feeling exhausted constantly. And the thing that I have to deal with this for 6 months is making me cringe.

    She will find a way to say something negative about me to my husband when I am not around. But in an indirect way that makes it look like she is not bad mouthing but only concerned about her son. For example, "I am really worried that you are not eating healthy. I can see your poor wife is busy working and she doesnt have time poor thing but I feel bad for you that you are not being looked after." I know this because one time I walked in on her bad mouthing me. I was going for a trip with some girlfriends for a weekend and the night before I walked in on her telling her son 'Dont you feel bad that your wife is spending your money on such things, poor you work so hard and she is going on a girls trip'. And he replied ' mom its not just my money, its her money too. And she has been working hard, she needs a break'. When I walked in, she saw me and changed the subject. But it made me question other times she might be doing this that I wasnt aware of. One day I walked in on her telling my husband I am stubborn. Again changed the subject when she saw me.

    Also anything that happens between me and my husband, anything we share about our financial, work or any personal stuff will be shared with her daughter and her family. And daughter and her family sometimes make jokes of it or give us unsolicited advice etc. so this means I have to be extra careful what we talk in front of her.

    My husband and I have a strong marriage and yet when she is around he changes a little bit. He feels like she will judge him so he changes his behaviour towards me a little to please her. I think he is afraid she will go tell her daughter and they will make fun of him for being too nice to wife. Like for example: one day I was cooking, she was around and so was husband, I burned my hand and he didnt react. He looked at me scream a little and said dont scream its not a big burn and moved on. Ofcourse I knew it was because she was around. Because normally he will run to my aid, give me ice and tell me I need to put my hand under cold water or it will leave a scar etc etc. But thats a small example, overall he ignores me when she is around. Like if I ask him to cut vegetables for me when she is around he will not do it. Pretends like he doesnt know how to. Whereas when we are alone he will help me with cooking and around the house. I think its because she tells her daughter and they tease him that he is a wife's pet etc etc. This has happened in front of me too. But Im sure it affects his ego.

    There are more issues but hopefully you all get the picture. Husband and I have been living by ourselves so long now that its hard to deal with someone for such a long period of time at home. and in this case, someone I am really not fond of. I am cringing just thinking about not having any privacy for 6 months, having to be careful what I speak about and also not having time to share much with my husband because he will be occupied and mostly having to be polite and smile inspite of having negativeness coming my way.

    I would like to know how to be calm for the next 6 months and deal with MIL at home. How do you deal with mils when they visit. How to make sure you still have some time with your husband while you have inlaws visiting. How to ignore her when she is indirectly putting me down. She only does this when he is not around when he is around she doesnt utter a word.

    Thanks for reading guys. Sorry for the long post. It feels good to share.
     
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  2. NaiveLady

    NaiveLady Senior IL'ite

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    Hi. Yes, 6 months is a long time for your MIL to visit. Is your husband the only son in this family? It sounds like he has a sister at least, since you mentioned " I think he is afraid she will go tell her daughter and they will make fun of him for being too nice to wife."

    To your points:
    * yes, I also agree that her asking for dowry, especially after you are already married and given the fact that her and your father-in-law had already agreed to your love marriage, is not a comfortable conversation (or one you would expect to be having - what century are we living in?). I remember in my first "marriage" - which ended just about immediately after - my mother-in-law at the time expected my family and I to fork over a large sum of money (as in, > $50k) to cover her family debts, and we never had discussed or made any such agreement prior to the marriage. Good that this discussion died on its own accord and did not go anywhere for you.

    * If she keeps talking about how her family background is "better" than yours (even though its not), why on earth did she agree to this marriage? To boost her ego/self-esteem/show her insecurities? Doesn't sound like she will easily change her views on this one, so the only suggestion I have is to ignore what she says on this.

    * About her being lazy, are there any health issues regarding her on account of her age/in general? Maybe some low-key exercise will help with her improving her activity levels/getting less lazy, and then she can have more energy to help out more in other areas regarding chores and what not. Would taking her to see a doctor help in this regard?

    * It is good to have a clean house, although her mentioning her daughter (I guess your sister-in-law?) in the same regard doesn't help, as if she is comparing you to her. Can you request that she not comment on how her daughter keeps her things, as you don't care, she can do as she wishes and both of your lives are different anyways?

    * "Also anything that happens between me and my husband, anything we share about our financial, work or any personal stuff will be shared with her daughter and her family. And daughter and her family sometimes make jokes of it or give us unsolicited advice etc. so this means I have to be extra careful what we talk in front of her." Is it possible for your husband to politely request that she refrain from sharing details about your personal life to your sister-in-law and her family? Not sure what her motivation in doing this is.

    * As for other issues, not sure on this, but drawing from my own experiences:
    - Is your MIL very religious and orthodox? Mine is. This has caused some tensions between us over the years.
    I'm pretty sure I'm not as orthodox as she would like me to be: I grew up in US from the age of 6; while I happen to also believe in God, do prayers, and enjoy reading spiritual texts in Sanskrit/English/Tamil/singing Carnatic music, she doesn't really acknowledge any of this (except maybe to others) but pretty much takes it for granted, and also expects that I:

    - Follow ritualistic practices (well, just a few to be fair, but still). I wasn't raised to do and follow all of the traditional rituals many elders do,
    although I do one for my father's annual death anniversary and participate in other family functions involving rituals without any issues

    - When reaching an important milestone in life (e.g. new job, relocation, etc), expects my husband and I to observe which days are "more auspicious" than others and consult with a local priest about the same.

    - Avoid puja room, temples and religious functions/activities altogether during that "time of the month" although I don't believe we are "impure" or should be restricted in any way during then. (I even tried to reason with her that it is a natural, God-given process for women (therefore, am sure even goddesses have them); we cannot give birth without it, and we have ways to keep ourselves reasonably clean and comfortable nowadays during that time, and that she must have had a hard time following whatever restrictions were placed on her, but she didn't agree and we just ended up arguing one time). Regardless of her expectations, I generally avoid such places at that time on my own accord to try and be respectful of others who believe (unless unavoidable but this has occurred very rarely), but lets say it is difficult when MIL expects/forces her viewpoints in certain things. Lets just say I don't follow these restrictions in our own apartment when she's not around (my husband doesn't care about any of these restrictions anyway) :) I have also stopped arguing with her on this, it just creates bad energy and nobody will change their viewpoints (though I make sure to follow the rules in her place/wherever outside my own place).

    - Is your MIL strict about what you wear? Surprisingly, my MIL is not in general; although I always wear fairly conservative clothing (as in, no tight clothing, no shorts/short skirts, no sleeveless/low-cut tops) and dress for the occasion for events/functions, I have seen other family members wear more revealing clothing in front of her and she hasn't seemed to mind. Only expectation she has (besides dressing appropriately for the occasion, of course) is that we wear bangles and bindi with Indian clothing. On the other hand, I have heard about other MILs who expect DIL to always wear saree, which doesn't seem practical in today's fast-paced working lifestyle.

    - Does your MIL interact with anyone outside of her cultural background? My MIL only interacts with other Indians in terms of socializing, and preferably with other Tamilians though she gets along with others all right too. To be fair, she has spent her whole life in India so this is understandable and certainly not unique to her. However, as I have been in the US most of my life, I have gained both Indian and non-Indian friends; apart from one school friend, none of my current friends (except for those in this Sanskrit community I am a part of) are of Tamilian background. After meeting a couple of my friends, my MIL asked me if I have any Tamilian friends. Later on, when we moved to an area having relatively fewer Indians (and none in our apartment complex), her and my father-in-law did not have anyone to socialize with when they had visited us (for two months). Thankfully she adjusted without any real complaints on this.

    If you mainly focus on keeping yourself busy with your work/whatever else you have to do, don't worry, the time will go by faster than you think. Maybe you all can find some common ground in some TV shows/something else fun? All the best.
     
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  3. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Don’t worry, you are going to be okay. Be strong. Your mil is controlling. Because you let her. Because your husband let’s her. What you can do about it? Ask your husband why he is changing colours infront of his mother. Ask him politely. Ask him if it’s fair. Ask him if he would be okay if the same happens to him or his daughter. Ask him if it’s unequal treatment because you are a woman. Tell him you are displeased by his change in behaviour infront of his mother. Your husband seems to be a good one, so ask him these and express your thoughts. He should take his mom for a walk and question her behaviour. Looks like she is insecured. Ask him to tell her politely she needs to be kind to you.
    Whenever your mil makes insentisitive comments or exhibit control, tell her straight you won’t appreciate such words. If she talks about her daughter indirectly ask her what does she mean. Read about how to deal with passive aggressive people. You have to ask them straight questions. You need to be strong. Throw your fear, be happy that you are a loving and forgiving person. She is not blessed with such qualities. Be magnanimous, Be kind..at the same time tell her straight when she is controlling. When she talks about you to your husband, ask her can she continue her conversation in your presence. Don’t worry you will handle well. In fact wait for her to come, this time you can learn from your past mistakes (letting her control you). This time you can show you are stronger. Be happy.
     
  4. Mawa

    Mawa New IL'ite

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    It is tricky to deal with MIL in these situations....

    1) If you have kids, ask him/her to help you in cooking and make them call his/her dad to help in cooking.... this tip works like a charm

    2) If she praises your SIL in front of you, just let them know how better you are at things that your SIL lags. Your MIL will keep her mouth shut and will never compare...

    3) Wait for an oppurtunity to speak to your DH... At night, when he requests for a private time, just say that you are tired handling things on your own...and needs help....He may either arrange for a maid or wish to help...


    Hope these tips help .....
     
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  5. KayaCholan

    KayaCholan Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Guys

    Thanks for your replies.

    I confronted hubby a long time about his behaviour and he apologised and said he didnt realise he was acting differently. Anyway he apologised and said it wont happen again and he has kept this word. But still the fact that he cant be free while she is around annoys me and makes me dread the next 6 months.

    She agreed to our marriage because my parents are wealthy even though our family does have a well known name. Whereas she is very proud of their family name even though they dont have much money I guess. So loves to rub that on my face. I have tried ignoring her talks but she is non stop so it gets really annoying.

    If I ask hubby for help or tell him I am exhausted doing everything, he will say dont work so hard, dont cook we will just order catering or something. If that happens again MIL will complain to her daughter(SIL) that we are wasting money, I am a bad wife etc.

    Yes my MIL is religious and orthodox and judges me for not praying enough or doing enough poojas. I am spiritual and not religious so hubby and I ignore her on this. But still its annoying that she has all these expectations.

    Anyway here is my plan of action this time. Let me know if you think something is overboard :

    When she starts comparing us with her daughter.. I am going to put a stop to it saying. 'Lets not compare, they are happy, we are happy thats what matters. Wealth is secondary' . Hopefully this will shut her up

    When she says means things about me to hubby and I hear about it. I am going to confront her about it and say, 'Im sorry you feel that way, but I hope you understand that this is how it is here and it works for hubby and me'

    I cant do anything about her not helping so I will just do what I need to do for us and let her be. She can sort herself out. I am not going to go extra mile for her. Ofcourse I will respect her and treat her properly but no extras.

    Hopefully this will make her re think what she is going to say and before she is mean to me.
     

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