Mil Troubles

On facebook one guy posted something like this (I paraphrase): I love my mother-in-law. She has come to live us, and she has been with us for six months now. Although she is undocumented, she is not taking any jobs from anyone. She goes to the park at the corner of 4th Avenue and Walnut street every day at 3 PM. She wears a fuzzy teal color jacket when she goes to the park. She is 5' 2", and has brown hair. I'd so heartbroken if she were to be taken by ICE and deported.

 

Dear OP,

Sorry to read about your issue. Yes, your MIL has overstepped her boundary line big time! You don't have to put up with it. No, its your baby and you have the right to decide on what to feed and how to feed.

Coming to the point of if this is a part of Indian culture, I am not sure as to how long these things have been happening but I can assure you that Indian PILs (MIL + FIL) do tend to be very nosey and poke their noses in a couple's affairs specially their son's. Their consider it their right to barge into their son's affairs and they consider a daughter-in-law to be an outsider throughout their life...at least majority of them do!

You just need to look into other threads posted in this forum to know the extent of mean things some of them resort to doing.

However, this sort of behavior is not right and we DILs struggle to discourage the PILs as much as possible. This forum is all about trying to give confidence to women to fight back against this kind of attitude.

Glad to know that you did stand-up to this guy when he spoke illogically. Try and talk sense to him when he is calmer and see if you are able to change his attitude at least a bit!

Hope things work out better for you!

 

Hi there I am in a similar situation as you - I am American, my boyfriend is Indian - from India. We had a happy relationship then something arose to do with his family and it was like the floor got pulled out from under me and he became this person I didn't even know and he had all these beliefs and obligations that I didn't even know. It's put a stall on our relationship to where I don't know that I can trust him enough to stay with him.

I do attribute the deference to elders and family to culture. It may not be right or acceptable, but it is so ingrained in him just as my culture is in me. He and I have also gone to therapy and we've learned to communicate better but it does not fundamentally change who we are. I think that therapy helps a lot so you guys can at least see the other person's perspective. HE should acknowledge at least that you are the mother in this case and your opinion should be first - he can in theory acknowledge this while also indicating that it is hard for him because his mom expects certain things. It is more of a concern that he doesn't even see that and thinks that his mom is in the right.

The therapist my boyfriend and I saw was an older Indian woman and I think it was the only reason my boyfriend was willing to listen to the therapist. She was able to help him feel understood and still see that some of his thinking was not good for the relationship and not conducive to his own long term happiness. Maybe try finding a therapist who is Indian who is familiar with Western culture and intercultural relationships.

 

This is SOOOOOO INDIAN....
Because I am a victim of this, and my initial marriage life with an Indian husband - who came to my life as a package with interfering in laws - had a real rough patch.
But Indian style of life is not always troublesome. It is just a different way of living.
For non-Indians, it is better to accept Indians as who they are and see what is best in them, so that your marriage will be smooth.
I don't think any counselor or therapist can change an Indian mind set.
Of course many educated, level headed, and abroad living Indians may come here and say this is not Indian and blame the MIL or the spineless H. But in reality, I assume at least half of the Indians could connect to this.

Obviously the difference starts with breast feeding. The uninvited advises, and home based solutions to every problem a new mom or newborn has will obviously create a rift. The husband will not see this as an offense, or interference. He will be happy about his mother's genuine care and support instead. So the unwilling wife will be labeled as inexperienced and arrogant.
So, instead of changing, they will force you to change your attitude. The next step will be comparison. They compare apples to oranges, so you to some X, Y, Z cousins or SILs only to put you down. You will be expected to copy those obedient X, Y and Zs and behave good only for your own happiness and that of your kid.

The pediatricians and gynecologists will be labelled as money minded or inexperienced; thus your H will chose to follow his mom's solutions instead.
They will comment about vaccines and latest health issues as if they have seen it all.

It will be indeed shocking. Specially for a person from a diff set-up, it will be frightening. But don't worry.
You will be fine.

Unless and until you allow them to access your kid or do something with him, I don't think others can do anything with him.
Let them advice you, let them suggest you. You don't have to confront or make them realize. It won't help. Instead, ignore them and pay no heed to their advises. Instead, follow your heart and your way.

As for breast feeding, you could say a strict NO to bottle feed... If she snatch the kid, just grab him back and say a stern NO.
Be firm, but do not drag this matter into a long fight.
For each and every interference, handle her tactfully. Don't tell anything on her face or show your displeasure directly. But do what you wanted to do instead of following her advises.

When I delivered my first kid, my in laws were all over me. But with my second kid, I was able to establish some boundaries safely. Because I knew what is coming my way.

 

Op, are you working?
Yes unfortunately MILs sometimes behave that way, but that doesnt mean they should be allowed to. My husband and I are born Indians and grew up in India, but settled overseas. while my MIL was persistent with some dos and donts, she left the decision to me. Yeah at times she did warn me that i would regret my ways when I was firm. In hindsight my child might have benefited some of her tips which i ignored , I could have taken her advice, but didnt bcos I thought it was just old wives tale.

Indian MIL's favourite line is "I am doing/telling this for your own good only" .In reality, they really really think so. So they feel you are just being difficult and stubborn when you dont follow what they say because why would you not want to do something that is good?

While you are very justified in your stand, and your hubby is in the wrong, I would suggest you think about what you want. Ideally you want your MIL not to come but if that is not an option then next what?
If you want this marrriage to survive, and you wouldnt want your husband to feel guilty for mistreating his mum, you need to think from your husband's perspective too.
Eg. I followed my pediatrician's advise, she forbade me from giving my son peas and tofu
This will be some of the thought
MIL - I have raised kids, I have so much experience and worldly wisdom, and what does DIL know about child rearing
You - I am smart , educated woman, I know what is best for my child. Surely she doesnt know more than my pediatrician ?

If your DH now supports you, his mum will feel insulted, she will feel not only my son has married someone of his choice, he disrespects me, he blindly follows what his wife says. Indian Mothers (including your truly) are good at making our children feel guilty.
If your DH now supports MIL, you will be furious.
If a male friend is in the above dilemma what would you suggest to him?

What I am saying is try not to make his mum his problem, it is both your problem, thought he is the one who has to talk sense to her, you play your part by not retaliating against her directly. You both have to keep in mind your son's best interest first. It is harder than it seems.

It is your husband's call whose opinion he values more. But he cant insist that you follow what your MIL says. Tell him if she really cares for him, she wouldnt meddle so much.

That said, some MILs are really horrible people. They are very insecure and crave control and this they do by emotionally messing with their kids. Hope your MIL isnt that category.

One thing, do not allow your MIL to shout at you. If she does , stay calm, take your child and go out of that environment. Dont let her forget you are his mother. Remember MILs are good at having a different behaviour when your husband is around, and another when he is out. Just take a leaf from her book and follow

I assume you kid is nearly two now. It will be a little easier. Among the ground rules do add eating/sleeping habits for kids and let her know well in advance. Let the grand parents indulge your child a bit, dont be a strickler for rules if it is a small thing. Request her to teach you toddler stuff like - rhymes in her native tongue, give her enough things to feel good about spending time with her grandchild.

Marriages need lots of love with a dash of guile and a dash of vile afterall all is fair in a marriage. And dont forget to close one eye.

 

Dear op,
Many mils are like this only. Whatever a dil does is always wrong. Normally v try to avoid staying with our mil till the child is a year old, because of these things. If u had given formula milk, she would have told breast milk is good. And for husband's they always think their mother is correct and we don't know anything. Don't spoil ur life because of ur mil because this is what they want. They always want their son to listen to them. The problems which arrived before wont arrive now. Now it will be different, regarding sleeping habits, giving formula or full fat milk, giving cakes or chocolates,etc. whatever u do she is going to say opposite of that. so take from this ear and leave from the other. When v go to india i dont say anything, let her do whatever she wants ,after a month we can take of it. If the child becomes more fussy then let ur husband look after the child. If the child doesnt eat properly, leave it. It doesnt matter if they dont eat properly for some days. Leaving most of the things, avoids problem which would have been created unnecessarily. If she wants the child to be given different food let her feed the child. Then they wont interfere much. Basically they want to show that their american dil listens to her and she is controlling u. Let her be happy thinking that..... Just tell ur husband, if the child is fussy when his parents are here then he has to help in managing the child.
If any spelling mistakes are their please avoid, because this the first time I am writing such a big post.

 

OP, your MIL is completely out of order. I'm Indian and my husband is too but I wouldn't take a quarter of what you withstood without fighting back.

There is no reason for you to take this as a cultural issue about disrespecting elders if you didn't do everything their way. I think it's time you played your cultural card - since you are also Asian, I'm certain you have a similar version of "respect your elders" in your culture too. Use that!

I would suggest not you not bring your mum into this. It would only end up as your mum not understanding the "culture". Refuse to take the abuse - call it by its name - your mil is dishing out as a cultural thing. Make it personal. Be clear that you will not tolerate being treated disrespectfully in your own home.

Tell your husband clearly that you are not willing to let this start driving a wedge between you two. His mother has to respect your boundaries or you are going to be assertive. You are happy and willing to listen to your MIL's opinions and consider them but under no circumstances should you be expected to unquestioningly follow them if they go against your parenting philosophy.

I have an interfering MIL. Until I became assertive, nothing changed. I'm unfailingly polite but if I get any unnecessary order - masked as a strong suggestion, I put my hand out like a stop signal and state, "No. I shall do it my way." Or "I've done my research and will follow my gut." Or "I'll think about it. Thank you." Or "The medical advice has changed since. I use the updated guidelines." It went to an extent where my mil will leave the room when I fed my toddler - I gave her two options politely : either she zipped her mouth and didn't criticise my child when she was eating or she left the room if she couldn't control her tongue. I thanked her for leaving.

There is nothing wrong in drawing from your culture's child rearing practices and refering to them. You can also say, "we do it differently." or "I'm more comfortable my way."

The best I've found is to whisk the child away and leave the room when things get hot - I always say, "you need to calm down" before I leave. I've also said, "You've had your turn with your kids to make your mistakes and learn. Now it's my turn. I'll do it my way."

Be relentless in showing your assertiveness. Don't take bullying / abuse. If she screams, give a cold look and refuse to be cowed. Tell her calmly she is being rude and needs go calm down first - without reacting to what she's she saying. Disregard her advice / orders completely unless she is being polite and reasonable. You can calmly state "we can discuss this when you have better control over your temper."

As long as you are on the high horse and polite, your assertiveness will get you the results you want.

Good luck.

PS: your husband is really lucky to have you indeed!

 

Things are easy to say and hard to follow. Heep her awah from your family. If she wants to see her son better go go india for two weeks and return. Dont invite her and get into trouble. I dkan inlaws think their son is their property and most indian husbands stay blind to their parents even though they are wrong. Indian knlaws think that their dil is unpaid maid. Stay on safer side dont invite them east and west dont work at all . If they come to your place they want star hotel service and if you go to their place they serve yesterdays food.