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MIL Torturing a lot..pls suggest what to do

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rmakr, Mar 27, 2012.

  1. Mar 27, 2012 #1
    rmakr

    rmakr New IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,

    Mine is love marriage and myself and my husband both are from same colleage.We loved each other for more than 9 years and married after a longgggggg fight from families. Last year our parents agreed and it is an intercaste marriage. Next month our 1st wedding anniversery too...

    Ok let me tell my problem. Initially my MIL use to speak with me nicely and i use to tell my friends and family that i got nice MIL and dont have any problem. But not even 10 days after marriage she started creating problems. As per our custom we should go to girl's house for 'Maaruveedu' but she didnt allow us to go instead she threaten his son saying that if you go i will die like that, then later everyone including me convinced her then we went there. Similiary she never allows his son to come to my native. if i call him then she says he will not come, you also shouldnt go like that..My husband respects his parents very much and he never hide anything form them and he dont do anything without their KL. so he also dont come. I was surprised why he is also doign like this, Then later i came to know from one his neighbour that my MIL is very worst and she does some pooja for vasyam for his brothers even she never allows if someone is happy. If her son / my FIL is fighting she threatens that she wil commit suicide. So she didnt allow me to go for 'Thala Aadi' ,'Diwali ' and for 'Pongal' too. for every funciton i use to cry adn even my parents. I have 2 SILs.whenever we go to his native both SILs will come to meet their brothers. they will enjoy going to some tourist place nearby. My SILs wont create problems to me.But still i dont like they are coming everytime as i couldnt go to my native how come i can be happy with them. My MIL use to tell lot about me tat she is adement and her parents not doing anything for u ..u have choosen wrong girl like that. even my parents gave around 20L and now also givnng a lot. My MIL doesnt respect my FIL but she expects i should be like slave infront of my husband. Every ten days she visits to city where we both work and stays here for 10 days and creates problems. My husband wants me too adjust with her since she is aged.I can afdjust but there is a limit.she wants to keep her mother,daughter everyone with her and visit them often but if i ask for the same then she creates problem. she even scolded my mom that she is teaching worst things like that, i couldnt tolerate. MIL doesnt like if her son speaks with me nicely or if i server food. My MIL and her mother are worst ladies and i never seen anyone in my life like these. Even my MIL's relatives and SIL's husband's no one likes her. Now we are planning for some trip for marriage day but she is telling you shouldnt go..i dont knwo what to tel to this lady.Infront of his son she acts tat she is very innocent..she tells that i brought up u people and u should be with me like that. she updates watever happens here to her mother she is around 90 years old on phone, and that lady gives some idea. my husband dont know all these. if i tell this to my husband he will not belive and tells that why u dnt like my mom and always findinfg fault like that. She is playing game very cleverly that infront of son acting that she is good mother. and talking bad about me and my family and telling my husband that u should don anyting for her family also for her... i dnt know what to do.,, our marriage life is going bad day by day. My mIL want her son to be with her always .For his birthday he gave cake first for me for that she created big drama that his son forgot her like that..whole day we were upset...and many more she does for me.Please friends help me how to handle this lady and save our marriage life. i cant leave my husband as i ffought for him a lottt...he too.we love each other but this problem and her stupidity is separating us..please help me

    Thanks
     
    rmakr, Mar 27, 2012
    rmakr, Mar 27, 2012
    #1
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  2. Mar 30, 2012 #2
    Siri1

    Siri1 New IL'ite

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    You mentioned in your post that you guys live in the city and she comes and visits you like 10 days in a month? Can you also have your parents visit you? If you guys are living separately ...how is she controlling you visiting your parents for festivals and all? Talk to your hubby and explain to him how it is effecting you and i am sure he will understand ....
     
    Siri1, Mar 30, 2012
    Siri1, Mar 30, 2012
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  3. Mar 30, 2012 #3
    billybob

    billybob Gold IL'ite

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    Why did your parents give 20L to your inlaws and why are they still giving money when yours is love marriage, even in arranged marriages many girls are objecting, problem is with your spouse not your MIL. Just think that your spouse is not worth going to your parents place that way you don't feel bad, and ignore your MIL.
     
    billybob, Mar 30, 2012
    billybob, Mar 30, 2012
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    2 people like this.
  4. Mar 30, 2012 #4
    debyanjali

    debyanjali New IL'ite

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    Hey don't worry so much..you said every 10 days she visits you people..try to be nice with her & be little diplomatic..whatever you feel for you MIL you should not show this in front of your husband..think that it's a blessing that 24hrs everyday she is not with you guys.After marriage everything changes whether it's a love or arrange marriage..the after marriage scene is totally different.and with my personal experience first year of your marriage is the most difficult time.Where both MIL & DIL are insecured about son/DH.
    When your MIL is not around try to impress your DH and make a special bond with him..then nobody on this earth can play around with you.
    Don't ask for permission from MIL all the time..you feel like visiting your parents just go ahead..inform you DH..thats it.
    Come on you are not a slave .you are today woman..have that type of personality where nobody will try to dominate you,be independent,be confident.Or else trust me gal you will be in deep trouble.You have to be clever now & handle this situation immediately.
    If your MIL says that her son has to be with her as she brought him up blah blah..tell her did not your parents sacrifice so many things in life to bring you up...so why this discrimination???? ofcourse you have to visit your parents & take care of them.Be firm & let her know you are a responsible daughter and nothing can stop you from doing your duties towards your parents.Always remember they are growing old..so give them as much love & care as possible so that you dont repent later that you did not take care of your parents.Let your husband also take care of his mom...you are not stopping him from that.
    Make your husband understand & dont let anyone come in between two of you.
    All the best dear.

    Take care.
     
    debyanjali, Mar 30, 2012
    debyanjali, Mar 30, 2012
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  5. Mar 30, 2012 #5
    freddycat

    freddycat Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear rmakr,

    Every marriage needs a settling period, there is always someone to rock the boat. It doesn't matter, how 'close we are to the spouse, there is some nagging insecurity about the marriage, at the beginning.

    DH seems to be very much attached to you, that's all it matters. MIL and 'black magic' stuff, don't believe in those things. Those are just, the local village ladies like to gossip to pass time. Remember, your DH is also beloved son to his mom. Some moms never figured out, how to let it go off their kids. Don't complain about MIL to your hubby. It is very hard for him to accept the fact, even it is true.

    Don't worry too much about, you hubby can't visit with you to your family home. You hubby seems to be a nice guy, I am sure, he will welcome your parents to stay with you. Think of us who live in aborad, we will never have a chance to invite parents to our home due to various circumstances (money, distance, age, and so on). At least, you have an opportunity for that.

    Enjoy your life.
     
    freddycat, Mar 30, 2012
    freddycat, Mar 30, 2012
    #5
  6. Mar 30, 2012 #6
    cutekid

    cutekid Silver IL'ite

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    Just go to your parents by taking in confidence your hubby.Your hubby should be the one support strongly to you.Ask him not to tell them......
    You both can tell you are going on some vacation and just visit your parents...see in love marriage both DH and wife have to adjust.Not that only you will be the one who will have to bend.......
    You are not doing something unreasonable and you should not succumb to it.You tell hubby you can respect you MIL but this has nothing to do with you parents....I will not cut my relations with them....can he ask his sisters to stop coming to your home to meet MIL???will it be fair to stop them visiting ????there should not be conditional love.At least your 9 yrs relationship should be strong enough to sustain such minor setbacks...
     
    cutekid, Mar 30, 2012
    cutekid, Mar 30, 2012
    #6
  7. Apr 11, 2012 #7
    rmakr

    rmakr New IL'ite

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    Thank you friends for all your replies... Sorry for the late reply.
    I was out of station so couldnt check the site. I decided to wait for some time as freddycat mentioned.Also i discussed many things with my hubby and he realised that whatever he did for me is wrong and he promised me that he will take me to my native for sure. So i am happy now.

    As you people advices i will ingnore my MIL and SIL words about me. I have confidence to make happy life.
    Thanks for all your replies.
     
    rmakr, Apr 11, 2012
    rmakr, Apr 11, 2012
    #7
  8. Apr 11, 2012 #8
    ssm014

    ssm014 Platinum IL'ite

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    Exactly what I wanted to write..!! you seem to b educated and are working, still you allowed a transaction of 20 L for getting married to a guy of your choice..

    No wonder with practices like these, people still rue the birth of baby girls in India....

    sorry if i took this off on tangent
     
    ssm014, Apr 11, 2012
    ssm014, Apr 11, 2012
    #8

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