Mil Lost Her Mind

ILUser07 · May 13, 2016

Seriously.. she lost her mind.
Yesterday she left match stick which she uses to clean her ears near my 7 month baby. My DH saw that scolded her and said its not safe for the baby. MIL went on an argument with him that the baby doesn't know to pick a match stick. She is very adamant in nature and no one in this world can convince her in any matter according to DH. After DH left home, she came to me and said he is unnecessarily over reacting. I supported my DH and said its not safe. As she is forgetful in nature(in some matters) I told her to be more cautious as DH said.
She got furious and the whole thing went upside down. She started saying of course how else can you think and started pointing some old stuff about me and my family.
Pre-cap : mine is love marriage and we studied together from school. I never stayed with my in laws except for few days before this. She came for my delivery as my delivery and extended her stay as my DH said only my mom can come to assist but not my dad. Dad being 65+ age and not well my mom said she can't leave him and come for 6 months.
Back to yesterday :
After my DH left, she started saying as the topic came, I have to tell how you guys behaved.
1. She overheard part of the conversation with my grandma(facetime) when she walked into the room before my delivery(8 months back)
What she heard "My grandma said - of course it will be painful. just listen to them"
What she imagined "she thought I didn't like my in laws coming and worrying for that for which my grandma said it will be painful to not have my mom here, just listen to your in laws"
What actually happened "we are discussing about the labour pain and my grand ma said every women goes through it. it will be painful. just listed to what doctors say"
Though I clarified about this on the same day when she asked, she forgot the clarification part and stick to her imagination. She again brought it up yesterday.
I clarified again and she went to her room. Came back in 10 mins and started point 2
2. My parents and his parents came when he is travelling to US(6 years back). after he left, in between some talk, my mom said to her that its been 2 yrs already, ask your son to start planning for kids. According to her, it is not proper way for a mom to ask her son about having kids. Though I dont remember anything about this, I believe her that my mom would have said that. But she said after that we had good laught about it itseems. As far as I remember, I am totally lost as my Dh left to US and I can't travel atleast for 5 months due to my job. I don't think I was in a position to laugh about anything. I was secretly crying all day.
Btw,. when my DH said that I conceived, first thing she asked is - how did she conceive after so many years? is it natural? A mom can ask these to her son?
I said I don't remember anything about this. She left to her room and came back in 20 mins
Started saying - as the topic came... I interrupted her and asked what topic came to point out all these? its about the baby safety and what she is talking is not relevant. She asked me not to interrupt and she wont stop without completing whats in her mind.
3. My DH took me to his home after the campus selection in which we both got jobs(8 years back). She has no clue that I will be her DIL at that time. She asked me if I remember going to their home in a very sarcastic way. Of course I remember visiting my in laws place for the first time. When leaving I didn't say proper goodbye it seems.
I was dumbstruck. Should i even clarify. She says, as she is elder, she ignored my headstrong behaviour of not saying good bye properly it seems. How in the world anyone can remember such petty things. As I said, I was just his friend at that time.

I just laughed at her ignorance in my mind.

JGVR · May 13, 2016

Your MIL is trying to defend herself.Since you have pointed her mistake,she wants to bring all those instances in which she feels you are at fault.Since your MIL is absent minded,be extra cautious with your kid's surrounding.

MalStrom · May 13, 2016

Your MIL went into defensive mode. Don't argue at all with her to try to reason. She will just dig in more and you may end up saying things you will regret later or which will give her more ammunition. Try to avoid the topics. How do these people have such excellent memories anyway? I can't even remember what I had for breakfast.
Be extra vigilant when leaving the baby with her.

ILUser07 · May 13, 2016

JGVR said: ↑

Since you have pointed her mistake,she wants to bring all those instances in which she feels you are at fault.
Click to expand...

MalStrom said: ↑

Your MIL went into defensive mode. Don't argue at all with her to try to reason. She will just dig in more and you may end up saying things you will regret later or which will give her more ammunition. Try to avoid the topics. How do these people have such excellent memories anyway? I can't even remember what I had for breakfast.
Be extra vigilant when leaving the baby with her.
Click to expand...

How can a 50+ woman, mother of 3, can behave so childishly. Before her arrival, I had so much respect for her. It is deteriorating day by day and I don't like it. She is not understanding in how many instances I am keeping my mouth shut to have peace at home. I just supported my husband which she took it wrong.
Should I keep pointing all her mistakes? or should I completely be blind to whatever she does and correct things in the background? Or should I tell everything to my DH. How to handle these? I don't like complaining to my DH. He is not aware of all these. Even if I tell, he will support her no matter what in my presence. Sometimes I feel, if I not explain myself, she might think I am agreeing to her accusations. If I start explaining, its turning into an argument.

Btw, Its so hillarious how she accuses me. She walked into my room, closed her eyes and spoke out her mind non stop. How a kid answers to a teacher thinking he might forget something if interrupted.

I just couldn't stop wishing I had such a wonderful memory.

JGVR · May 14, 2016

Your MIL is not only childish,but also innocent according to me.She's going to go back in a few more months,just overlook her small mistakes/absent mindedness and maintain peace.

peddadas · May 14, 2016

I can say only one thing, The logic behind exaggeration is to catch us right handed on how we react. If we react angrily , then they dont mention the topic we were talking but the "reaction" that we gave. If we give kind of take it easy reply they say we are reckless. Exaggeration to anything is just to find NEW faults. obviously anyone except saints will get pissed of if we talk unrelated topics (unwanted talk)for longer hours whatever it might be and also when it is arguing stage. Obviously we react, then that reaction is what is their investment for something.

Human tendency, Kind of grilling to the core.

Solution is: Stay as calm as you can. Giving short and crisp answers. Not trying to give lengthier explanations and forget about it then and there. Patience pays a lot.

Take Care..

PS

Jazmine83 · May 14, 2016

Where was the matchstick located? You MIL is right, a 7 month old cannot grab & pick tiny objects. R you guys being a little over reactive to the situation?

I think she is sensitive to this. Somewhere in her mind she thinks that you think that she is not doing a good job taking care of the baby. Hence she fought with you about the phone conversation. Since she is already sensitive, she is super reactive when you pin point anything related to baby care. Even a joke on that topic she will not be able to handle.

What I suggest; talk to your H, ask him to calm down. She hasn't done anything life threatening to the baby. Mistakes like this we will do it as well. You cannot have a perfect house free of all dangers. Tell her that since you both are first time parents, you are both excited and nervous and you might be reactive to certain things and ask her to adjust for sometime until you learn. Give her the power, she will be lot more careful this way than your H yelling at her. Yelling is one of the worst form of communication.

If you see a pattern, she keeps forgetting, leaves the stove on or leaves baby unattended in tub..serious things like this or frequent minor things, then she has lot more problem going on here. She might be losing her memory and getting extremely defensive when pointed out. If that is the case, do not leave the baby unattended with her. Put the baby in day care and give her an excuse that baby has to mingle with other kids and then consult a doctor for her memory loss.

Pbnj · May 17, 2016

I

Iamagoodgirl · May 17, 2016

These are petty matter just shut the door of room and sit inside.
Avoid too much dialogue with her.

iamsrihere · May 18, 2016

Why did you actually have to support your DH ?? I think that is where the problem began. You should have kept quite. You have your DH to voice out his views for your baby's safety. You trying to defend him will make your MIL feel cornered. If you had just remained silent,she would have followed her son's advice in future. Now she doesnt want to listen to you guys and so the blame game follows.

My DH rarely opens his mouth against his mom,but when he does,and his mom doesn't approve,she cribs to me like your MIL did. I just remain silent without showing any signs of approval/denial on her words. She subtlely understands that I too don't think what she did is right. But she can't take it any further. The point ends that her son doesn't like it.

Even in future if you have to say something about what she does , always say your DH says not to do this way and in the presence of your DH. Even if he hasn't said anything in reality , he will defend you if that is right.