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Mil, Fil & H Crossed Limits

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by PurpleRoses, Oct 20, 2019.

  1. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @PurpleRoses, I'm sorry you are going through this but glad you did the right thing and removed yourself from a dangerous situation.

    His parents were not expecting you to react as you did. They are now afraid of the police case. They told him to apologize and reconcile to avoid the consequences of DV.

    If he has admitted the DV, save the confession. Hire an attorney, lodge a police complaint. Pursue the charges against his parents and him. Make sure everything is on the record in an official complaint so they can't call you a liar later.

    Once this is done, if he still wants to move out of his parents' home and restart a life with you, and if you still want him, get his agreement on the following, in writing, before you reconcile:
    - You won't drop the abuse case against his parents and him
    - You will both live as a nuclear family away from ILs
    - You will never have to meet ILs again
    - Both of you will go for counseling together
    - And whatever else is important to you.

    I don't think his parents will allow reconciliation unless you drop the case against them. Be prepared to divorce him and move on.

    They may also delay things so he can file first with false allegations. Beat him to the punch and file the DV report today.

    If he does reconcile despite your case against his parents and him, your marriage has a chance.

    In any case, don't reconcile without putting past instances of verbal abuse plus this incident of DV on the record. You put up with the verbal abuse in the past and it escalated to physical abuse. If you back off on this case, the physical abuse will escalate greatly. Be smart and play your cards right.
    .
     
  2. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    I am so sorry this happened to you. And kudos for the strength you have dealt with. Very nice that your parents are supportive. Your mom has a right to be happy for the happy moments in your brothers life. Would you want your insensitive abusive in laws to put a dent in the celebration of having a new member in family? You and your parents can deal with your situation. But your sister in law to be has only these moments once in her life. Whats her fault or your brother's in all this? Why can't they be happy?
    Have you thought that maybe your mom is trying to cheer you up or trying to get you out of thinking of misery all the time by going gaga?
    Please don't read too much into it. They booked your tickets told you to come home and supported you not going back. There are parents who tell their daughter to stay in the married house and compromise. Not that they are doing any favours but they are doing their job of looking for your best interest. Keep them in your corner when deciding for best way forward.
     
  3. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    Coming to your decision, like others I have seen people being ideal husband's living away from parents. It's like they only have one switch. Switch on ideal beta switch off ideal husband. They can't multitask unfortunately.
    But if you go that way, I would suggest he move to your parent's city so you have support in case he turns in night mode again. And inform this to him in clear terms. Don't give ultimatum. Tell him "I know you love me and I believe you when you say sorry. But it will take some time for me to go back to where we were before this. I will need to be closer to parents to feel secure again. I appreciate you trying to save this marriage so please do this for me. Down the line when we are sorted, we can decide further. I love you too and it's difficult for me to think of a life without you."
    As you mentioned if he is not very ambitious he should be okay moving and finding job in your parent's city.
    Agreed it's his mistake and he has a lot to repair but you have to put efforts too. First one is not to bring his parents in discussion. Forget they are part of your life.
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2019
  4. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    On the other hand, it's also very much possible for you to move on with your life. Maybe find someone better once you have moved on. But for that you need to clear your thoughts. What you can forgive what you can't. If you think you can never trust him again you can't make this marriage work.
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2019
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  5. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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  6. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    What I an assuming, while being partial towards op:
    ILs could hear the talks through walls , very common. They were listening in while OP was talking os separating.

    Changing house or kitchen, really stinks up situation with abusive ILs
    And in this instance, they barged in to tackle her physically.
    ILs do everything to stop son DIL from leaving. Common theme is I can get my son married tomorrow and if she wants to come back, she has to accept our terms.


    As per OPs list of nice guys things about her husband, he is actually nice, above average Indian husband:)
    With her personality, she should have gotten a better husband but she didn’t. But he is not that bad.

    OP can you stay in a different house from your ILs, in same city? May be city of your ILs or your parents, it will help you in future. Don’t loose your seniority in job unless you are very confident. OP
    If you are able to work, currently and in future, then you will be winner, in long run. He doesn’t think your money as his, even better, you can have your own money and invest it, use it, one who financially strong is really strong.
    I am thinking, ILs and husband let you work, don’t take your money. Husband cares when they are not around, even makes you coffee, calls you at work. These are all pretty good points. I would say, build your self, take care of yourself, get your husband to move to new house set some ground rules. Never let them enter your house but let husband go there whenever. Eventually and hopefully, they will get to their senses.
     
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  7. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Very true. But sometimes even phone calls are sufficient to switch on that ideal son mode.
    And they expect women to do multitasking! Not fair isn’t it? :mad:
     
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  8. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    I think in this regard, they want to switch on our ideal bahu mode and malfunction the switch forever. God forbid she wants to be a good daughter again. Some husbands will give up intimate time with wife if she spends that pleasing his parents with seva.
    In everything else they want us to multitask.
     
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  9. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    —The longer you stay away from husband..the more the brain wash to him from his parents.
    —Your husband seems like a decent human being. Indian parents for some reason cant let go off their son from their clutches either physically or mentally. We cant change the ILs either.
    — stay away from H until you both cool down, but dont stop keeping in touch with him. You know that he is genuinely good. Any person would get angry if the other person tries to call the police. Imagine urself in his shoes.
    — as for your parents..take their support. Remind them that they got this alliance and married you off. Did they do proper background check? Hold them responsible.
    — in regs to ur brother wedding, participate with full josh. Remember... not ur mistake to get into this marriage. You did ur part for 3 yrs. give assurance to your SIL how supportive ur parents are and that she is in good hands when coming to her ILs.
     
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  10. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    A narcissist can get violent at the mere normal discussion. It isn't the first from him. Only this time is the "first" that 3 people together kindof attacked me.
    I do not have energy to give a written dialog update. Feel free to fill your yada yada whatever.

    I'm going through a terrible turbulence and least I expect is some practical advice or emotional support even if its on virtual site when I'm feeling so low.
    Thank you.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2019

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