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Mil, Fil & H Crossed Limits

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by PurpleRoses, Oct 20, 2019.

  1. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    I didn't post my issues till now since I tried handling in my own ways.

    Something terrible happened and I just dont know what to do.

    I stay with inlaws. They are 3rd class people. No moral no character but show off to outsiders as if they are the only good people on this earth.

    They are pure narcissists who have no empathy towards anyone other than they 4 - mil,fil,their son(my husband) and their daughter (my sil) who is housewife(she never was career oriented nor she wants to earn money) in US with 2 kids, a loving husband and away from her inlaws (who stay near to my inlaws in same city in india).

    Dh- overgrown immature egoistic puppet neither intelligent nor smart nor mature n responsible.
    He is 33 and yet keeps changing jobs often, not very ambitious about career nor has plans for future.

    Though he or inlaws don't interfere in my career as I had clearly told before marriage that I'm very ambitious and I will never sacrifice my career for anyone or anything.

    From day1 marriage lot of worst issues, fights, etc happened at house.
    Inlaws insulting my parents, harassing for more gifts from them, etc , insulting me openly, brainwashing husband against me, crying crocodile tears infront of husband that he has forgotten his "son duties" (even though husband is immature n is like a puppy who runs behind his parents and has no mind of his own)...etc etc a lot that will take forever to write and for you all to read if I start telling.

    Long story short, one day I had enough of all the nonsense (had been bearing for 3yrs without saying a word).
    I was in bedroom with dh telling him to shift to different house it's fine if he wants his parents to stay nearby n he is free to do his "son duties" and go meet them even daily but I cant stand his parents abuses anymore.


    This discussion went violent as my dh is also narcissist who wants to be blind dumb deaf despite claiming to love me and yet seeing the cruelty of his parents abuses towards his wife n her parents and staying silent.

    He started shouting at me despite me telling him to stop shouting and meanwhile his parents just barged into our bedroom (door was closed bt not locked) and started using abusive bad words to me and husband instead of protecting me was standing silent like a joker while his mom n dad abused me called me names etc.

    I couldnt take it anymore n i just told them i dont want to talk to them just leave frm my bedroom.... For this the mil fil both dragged my hand n told me to get out of the house.

    I was calling my husband who was standing there like a statue seeing all this drama.
    I pushed away miils hand as she was dragging me out while abusing me.
    I freed my hand n threatened her to call police if she abuse me.
    At this dh came charging toward me n hit me. The phone in my hand fell off n I was in a shock.

    I felt threatened overpowered by 3 people and nobody to help me.

    I took my luggage And phone n left the house. I was in shock. And didn't know how to react and what to do.

    I was used to their verbal abusive behaviour but this physical assualt by 3 people n seeing my husband stand like a street crowd watching drama n later hit me when all I was doing was to protect n free myself frm his parents clutches ...i just lost all respect for him.

    I did a mistake of calling my parents first than calling police. I was standing on road with my 1 bag luggage (took just the essentials) still in shock with whatever happened.

    My parents were horrified (they live in different city). They told me to not go back to that house where 3 people assaulted me and dragged me out.

    My parents booked my immediate flight and told me to just come back home and then we will see later.
    I came back to my parents home and cried still un shock with whatever happened.


    My dh has no remorse no guilt not even tried to find out how i was and where i was.

    I was disgusted. I lost my job since I left that city after that incident.

    I went to police station nearby to register fir but they refused saying it happened in different city so i will have to go to that city and register complaint against them.


    I messaged my husband how can he be such a beast and that I want to end this marriage and I will file case on them.

    He replied back saying he is feeling guilty and he couldn't face me after that hence he didnt call or message (i dont trust this person anymore).

    He is now saying that he is ready to leave his parents n shift separately with me and asking me to give him chance.


    I have lost all respect for him. I had adjusted and compromised a lot with my marriage but what happened now is an insult to my self respect and I will never tolerate this.


    What to do? My parents support me. I'm trying to find a job here that's a different thing but my brother's marriage is fixed and I can already see changes in my mother's behaviour as she is all gaga about getting a DIL than feeling her daughter's pain.

    Husband is immature who has never been transparent with me. He used to go to his parents bedroom they 3 will close the door and have discussion never include me.
    I have no ssay in finances he never tells me anything of how much he earns how much he spends etc.

    Everything in house is decided by his parents. They even decide what their things they will keep in our bedroom.

    What should I do? A part of me says I should divorce him. A part of me wants to believe his words that he will shift here n we can start our separate family n assures his parents will never come to our home.

    Please I'm in a very weak fragile state of mind so please no negative comments. I am at the stage of breaking.


    Trying to list out things I liked in my husband prior to this incident -

    1) he had been supportive of my career
    2) never asked my earned money
    3) at times tried to defend me infront of his mother but she abused her own son in dirty language and threatened him to never defend his wife.
    4) during normal days, he cares for me, makes coffee for me, even helps in cooking (all these only when his parents are not at home).
    5) doesn't force me to do any rituals that his mother forces me to do. He will tell his mom to not force me if i dont wish to follow.
    6) when I'm unwell, he will take care of me and even call frm office many times to ask how i am.

    But with this incident I have lost all respect for him. I still cant believe that I became a victim of domestic violence and he was a part of it though he is feeling guilty now.

    Helpppp
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Do you have children together?
     
  3. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    No. I had a miscarriage last yr because of same dramas at home which caused added stress and I lost my baby. After this I was very cautious to not get pregnant till I'm away from the toxic environment.
     
  4. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Bronze IL'ite

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    If you dont have kids and you cant cope with marriage and you can fend yourself... what is stopping you from a divorce?

    These things only get worse with kids, they get more and more abusive, you will be in a fix and it will be difficult to leave.
    One life... you wont be unfair to anyone if you leave at stage.
     
    sindhuja21, Anusha2917, Amica and 3 others like this.
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Physical abuse is a big red flag, especially when they are all ganging up on you. Do not compromise on your personal safety. Since you don't have kids your decisions will become much easier.
     
    sindhuja21, Anusha2917, Amica and 2 others like this.
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    It’s outright horrible whatever happened to you.

    Practically talking, Two things you can do:

    1) End all of it once n for all n move on. A second chance in life, maybe you will get a better second partner.

    2) If you are thinking about giving him a second chance, everything has to change.

    Never step into that house again.
    You go to the new place that’s your own, n it better be far now. Since they are such abusive in laws, stay as far away as possible from them. Different city maybe.

    You have mentioned a list of good things about him. Similarly write down a list of bad things, sit down n speak with him about giving him a second chance only if n when many of those things can be fixed.

    No more horrible marriage, you want a normal or even a happy marriage. That should be the deal.
     
    SCA, PurpleRoses and Amica like this.
  7. Patientone

    Patientone Senior IL'ite

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    I’m so sorry this happened to you.

    im having similar problems in my marriage.

    my husband didn’t hit me but he would have done had I been a girl who was born and brought up in india. My in-laws and husband are just like yours.

    From one woman to another. Get out. Your still young. Find someone better. I wish someone would tell me what to do. But it’s hard because I have a daughter. But slowly slowly I’m realising what kind of backwards pig I’m married too. But honestly get out. It’s not safe for you to be there plus make sure you let everyone know what they did. It will make sure that the next girl they marry him too won’t be treated like that.
     
    PurpleRoses and MalStrom like this.
  8. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    As you said they are narcissists, research more on how they behave and how they come to sorry mode when they are in trouble. confronting them not good idea.. even your parents cant be much help, take legal help.

    you should try re-join job, even if it is same city as your H, join hostel or rent a place. talk to your boss and dont loose job
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2019
  9. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Along with the physical abuse, your husband was ok with you being thrown out the house ? Hopefully this wasn’t at some odd hour of the night. A person that was remorseful would run right after you, make sure you are safe. The fact that he did not even bother to get in touch after is a big red flag .
    I am sorry you are going through this. But count your blessings and make an exit. There are posts everyday here of women stuck in bad marriages. It is like spending your lifetime in hell. Focus your energy on getting a job and living independently. Considering you seem ambitious, you will make it through.

    * I must add, I know of two women that went back to their husband’s after physical abuse/ in law’s drama. Things have been better and they seem happier. I don’t know if lightning struck their husbands and they changed overnight, but the two women seem to be fine. if you do go this route, remember you call the shots. This includes never being under the same roof with the trio at any moment, for your safety. Preferably , not even in the same city.
     
  10. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Reading the OP is indeed deja vu all over again. In many such postings, we hear one side of the story. This ought to make the reader wonder how this story could have been written by another character in the same drama.... like the husband, or the mother-in-law.
    The women who "went back to their husband's after physicial/mental abuse and in-law drama" might have used the separation to analyze the pro's and con's of the various situations and taken the decision to go with the devil(s) they know rather than take their chances with an unknown life ahead ("known devil is better than unknown angel" proverb). Standing at a distance could make the scene seem very different than it was when one had been in the middle of all the action.
    Why and how, would a discussion go violent ? The gap between the paragraphs cannot be filled in with "..yada..yada..".
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2019
    SinghManisha and Rihana like this.

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