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Mil- Dil And The ‘kimkartavyavimoodh’ Son.

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by HariLakhera, Aug 8, 2019.

  1. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    MIL- DIL and the ‘Kimkartavyavimoodh’ Son.

    This is obviously a subject discussed among women folk but let me try to put the pitiful position from men’s angle.

    Sufi poet Kabir said in different context but holds good in the fragile situation of a son who is directly or indirectly drawn into the fight between his mother and his wife. He said:-

    चलती चक्की देख के दिया कबीरा रोय,

    द्वी पाटन के बीच मे साबुत बचा न कोय।

    (Chalti chakki dekh ke diya kabira toy, Dwi paran ke beech me sabut bacha na joy.)

    Loosely translated:

    (Kabir cried when he saw that none survives between the two wheels of a running grinding machine)

    Those two wheels are Mother and Wife the one between the wheels is Son and the Grinding Machine is the Family.

    The mother thinks her son has been snatched from her by his wife, an outside girl who entered the household only yesterday and the wife thinks her husband is still behaves like a baby eager to hide behind his mother’s pallu.

    The problem is nobody asks him what he thinks. He is taken for granted. He has to obey both or face wrath of either or both. Contradicting either is inviting rebuke. Counseling either is finding fault.

    Another interesting thing is the issues are symbolic and words spoken are in figure of speech. No one tells what the real issue is. The son is expected to read between the lines and read correctly from the differing angles of both of warring feudal. He is expected to listen and sake his all agreeing head in the direction of the speaker.

    Added to this is the role as a Son in Law. His wife’s mother also blames him only and subtly hints to seek a transfer to another city. They find nothing wrong in her daughter as she finds nothing right in her DIL.

    The poor fellow swings like a pendulum unable to decide which way to go. On the one hand there is mother who gave him birth, nourished him and made a man out of a child. He is emotionally attached to her. She is depending on him for the rest of her life.

    On the other hand there is this girl who agreed to accept him as a life partner, with or without her consent, and share emotional and physical needs as his wife. Both of them are depending on each other for the rest of their life.

    The poor fellow is totally at loss to figure out what should he do. Kimkartavyabimoodh.-getting finely ground under the giant wheel of Mother and Wife.
     
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  2. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    That made interesting observation and reading! However, I wouldn't call the man - poor thing!. A man, entering into marriage is supposed to be able to distinguish and judge the issues in the true spirit without taking sides, irrespective of it causing some unpleasantness. Age old sayings - like DIL treating MIL as her own mother and vice versa definitely do not hold good in these days! A proper course would be to realise ALL involved are adults in their own right, and have their own idiosyncrasies in behaviour etc and strike a balance. His affections towards either whether mother or wife need not be dictated by either of their behaviour or thoughts towards the other. I do not know whether i have made my point clear. Myself, am a senior citizen with 2 grown up sons with their respective families and try to follow the above principle and successful to a large extent with the result that we have a cordial relationship with all. However, this would not have been possible and if all were staying under the same roof - as there are bound to be several small issues which subsequently tend to add up to all the suppressed irritations/ anger etc. The only solution I can see is that people live as independent units , but at the same time should be availble to each other for any help whether physical/emotional/financial as andwhen the need arises.
     
  3. jayasala42

    jayasala42 Finest Post Winner

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    Very well said,Joylokhi Madam.
    Now a days occasion for the man to be in between two grinding stones is extremely rare,may be for a period of ten or 15 days after marriage when everyone would like to show the positive side.
    jayasala 42
     
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Marriage is the biggest milestone is a person's life.
    It is the second stage in an adult's life.
    It brings changes in a person's life whether man or woman.
    Parents need to understand that it will bring changes in their child's life. They should understand that their child will have to put in time and effort to forge a relationship with his or her partner.

    If parents accept that their children are starting a new life and will need to give their life partner extra time and attention to nurture this fragile relationship , the child will not have to suffer the problems mentioned by OP.

    The parents need to understand that this is a relationship that needs to succeed and become stronger if their child has to have a happy personal life.

    The older and wiser generation needs to be generous and let the children have their space .They also need to have more faith in their upbringing.

    If the young couple is allowed to develop a relationship without interference and bitterness,they
    Will come back to be close later on. The honeymoon phase doesn't last for ever.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2019
  5. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    True this! On the other hand, scars inflicted early in their marriage and the resultant bitterness and distrust towards inlaws will remain forever, even if the couple manages to overcome the initial strife. I see it in my life personally.
     
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  6. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    QUOTE="joylokhi -Ideally that should happen but does not happen when families live under same roof. That possibly is the reason they move out. In a way modern life has justified nuclear families. It is one thing to live in cordial relationship for a few days and entirely other to do so when sharing the same kitchen, living room and even car.
     
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  7. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    Very true. The onus is on the parents, rather both set of parents.
     
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  8. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    In a way it is a blessing in disguise. It is possible to have cordial relations on long distance basis. I would say that it does happen still, particularly when both parents and children are living in the same city. Parents expect them to live with them and look after them.
    Anyway the whole point is the position the son has to fill.
     
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  9. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    Somehow both Mil and Dil have preconceived notions about the 'ownership' of the son. No one wants to part with that claim. Same thing happens about grandchildren.
     
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  10. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hariji,
    Man has to convince both the women that he loves both of them ......but is it possible!!!!! Leave out both, he fails convincing atleast one. He can convince the whole world on some point but not the two most important women in his life! That is why he prefers to be a silent spectator!!!!
    Syamala
     
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