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Mil Behaving Rude

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by adisum, Jun 8, 2018.

  1. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    Thankyou everyone for your suggestions and valuable advices.

    I did talk to my husband regarding the venting part @yellowmango , my husband initially was listening to me calmly then suddenly he said my mother do not complaint to me against you but you always did ....

    How can I get him realize that i am not complaining , i am just ttrying to keep me balanced by venting my doubts to him , coz he is the only person i can talk to regarding this . I cant talk to my mother for all this as she will take stress and that will effect her health.

    Moreover, his mother is not complaining may be coz she doesnt have anything to complain as i am not doing anything wrong to her. In just 3 months of my marriage , i am handling all the household chores from washing clothes to cleaning house and kitchen work (breakfast +dinner) along with my job. Other reason may be is that she is venting it out to her sister to which she visits frequently.

    She is behaving so wierd thats making me confused like hell. When i cook with my convenience and choice, she become jeolous, when i give her the command of kitchen, she again make faces on me as if i am putting all burden on her. She wash her and my FIL's clothes only and do not wash my and my husband's (HER OWN SON's) clothes. She will not start thinking for dinner until its 8pm , and if i am late for making dinner because of office workload, then she will start saying my dinner is late , my diabetes will fluctuate etc etc. And my husband still wants me to adjust on everything and behave nice with her. How is that possible ? Someone is constantly nagging me poking me and i should stay calm and composed ?? Am i a saint ?

    I asked my husband, what if you were not treated nicely by my mother, what if you bring things for them and they do not even see them for once ? How long will you try to please my mother. And he was quiet to this question.

    Tell me how to ignore these silly things ? i am not a manipulative person to fake a smile to someone when i am not liking what they are doing...
     
    Giri12 and yellowmango like this.
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    If he does not want you to complain...then don't do unless it is something serious.

    Let him know you are going to keep your distance when mil is rude because that is the only way to keep peace. That will send him a message that he can not expect you to be all nice and sugar when the other party is misbehaving.

    Ignore her tantrums and stay away when she is rude.
    Don't give her an excuse to lash at you.
     
    Sunshine04 likes this.
  3. IniyaaSri

    IniyaaSri IL Hall of Fame

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    @adisum

    As others have mentioned, its part of the package for many Indian daughter in laws!
    And yes! just learn to be think skinned. Just keep doing your routine works!
    And personally I feel you are managing home and office perfectly! Feel good about yourself!

    Dont allow your mil to spoil or damage your married life dear! Moreover initial days!
    Focus on your happiness rather than worrying about her rude behavior.
    Just imagine that she is invisible and do your works!
    Let her cook separately or sit separately! Thats her problem!
    Nothing can be done when she herself is spoiling everything!
    You continue doing your duties or tasks at home!
    And yeah! Stop complaining about her to your husband!
    Most Indian men find it annoying! Even if they are good by other means!
    And when she doesn't complain about you to him, then thats a big bonus for you! Lucky!
    Try planning outings or short trips with your husband, or together with his friends or yours!
    Keep yourself highly occupied in weekends! Try going out!
    Make good memories with your husband!
    Make him and yourself forget about such a silly problem at home!
    Concentrate on happy moments with your husband!
    Thinking or worrying about your mother in law's behavior is a waste of time if you want to do that in anyway!


    And last but not least! Dont get tensed! Almost 80% of Indian women are facing this everyday! So relax and calm yourself! Focus on your happiness! Good day!
     
    Giri12 likes this.
  4. sweetsmiley

    sweetsmiley Platinum IL'ite

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    I think your home need good maid and washing machine.. convince husband and buy that.. lot of workload will reduce.. All others gave wonderful suggestion for MIL tantrums.. follow that..
     
  5. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Do the reverse game. Keep praising mil infront of others and behave rude / sulk when she is alone with you.
    My mil did this to me, my DH never believed me saying my mom wont do like that, until he realized her nature with other incidents. Yet he still says mom did because of her love to son.
    1) never be too nice to her or too rude.
    2) act in front of others , fil DH, relatives n friends as if you're the adarsh bahu in ekta Kapoor serials.
    3) if she doesn't cook dinner, when u come late, you have dinner outside or in office cafe itself, tell her you were damn hungry so u ate out. If she says something, tell her we can make big batch of food for lunch use same as dinner. Who can cook after 9 pm with backbreaking job? She wants you to suffer.
    Cut veggies the night before, make pastes, chutney's beforehand. Or ask her to do them in free day time. It's small work only.
    4) be smart don't complaint to DH, he won't understand. Deal smartly , I was like you after 5 yrs I understood shouldn't complaint. But have to show real colors of mil.
    5) whenever she cooks praise more even if Dal is like railway catering one, this actually works. She would cook. Make a meal plan for the week and stick to it. For dieabetes they have separate menu, tell her by following such thing maintain sugar level.
    6) get a full automatic powerful washing machine. You wash your n DH clothes on weekends. In my case I will put washing machine alternate days with fil, mil mine ndh clothes, all will be folded except mine. It's hurtful when I see that. Then stopped doing it luckily my work hours begin early. So stock up only mine and put them washing on weekends. She got super irritated but can't do anything.

    7)hire maid say you will pay her. Mil needn't worry. (Another story that maid will runaway because of mil, it happened in my case), hire maid thru agency contract type, so that if one runs also another one can replace.
    Act act act with her until DH is on your side, long way. You got married now, be Happy n make bond with husband.
    Be smart, cut the diamond with diamond.. no other way, remember trees which standard tall are the ones gets first cut.
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2018
  6. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    it has got worse now, I am totally clueless what she wants. She is the one behaving rude, i am the one folding hands in front of her asking her to calm down and live happily with us. I have stopped doing all this in past week. Me and my H went to my maternal home as per customs after marriage, we came back after 3 days hoping that she will be normal by now, but nothing has been changed. Now she has done disaster, she spoke about silly things to her brother and his wife. I have not even met them after my marriage and she has spoiled my image in front of them when I am not even making mistakes.

    My husband recorded her conversation as she was talking to her brother through my husband's cellphone. We listened to the conversation afterwards and she was saying , that Her son worries about his father in law more than his own parents. She used very weird language in Punjabi about me and my father. She even put an allegation on me that I talk to my parents all the time over the phone. I am so stressed , i cant even imagine this all happening in my life. Me and my H are not able to spend quality time because of this tensed situation. I tried to talk to her , I said sorry if I have made any mistakes.She doesn't say anything directly to me or even my husband.

    I need help :( @yellowmango @sweetsmiley @Vedhavalli @IniyaaSri
     
  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I can understand your tension . Even I had dreams my MIL will be my second mother and my husband's siblings will be like my own , and we will be a happy family full of love .I always try to work towards that , at least towards my MIL and FIL.
    But reality is not so simple . It is common that MIL have some hidden fears about DIL and they are always afraid of losing their son . So sometimes they behave like that .
    You should not take it personally and spoil the time with your husband . You continue being good and slowly your MIL will understand she has nothing to be insecure of.
    Till then , don't spoil your time with your husband by focusing in her behaviour . Just accept everything that this happens in every home and move on . Don't stop living your life . Time will heal all relations .
     
    Giri12 likes this.
  8. IniyaaSri

    IniyaaSri IL Hall of Fame

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    @adisum

    First Chill! There is nothing to get stressed (I understand your worry though).
    Yeah there is nothing to get stressed as all the things that you have mentioned have happened already and also happening now with 90% of all Indian daughter in laws' life. The remaining 10% may be blessed and at times they end up being the evil.

    And yes. You seem to be the typical Indian dil( you can include me as well) who had good intentions to maintain a good rapport with your husband's family. But no! Marriage life with inlaws is never that simple.
    One thing I would like to tell you is dont have the dream (useless) of getting a gold medal as "Good daughter in law". No one will give you that and even if you get its not of use. Let people talk whatever they want. Dont waste your time bothering about that.

    Finally its you and your husband! Sorry to mention that again. And yes I can understand how irritating and disappointing from your mil's side. But all that you have mentioned is very very common. Nothing abnormal. So chill. Concentrate on your career and your rapport with your husband.

    The more importance you give to all the nasty drama, the more it gets power and expands!
    If you want that, You shall keep pondering on it.
    If you want to be happy, you got to ignore and move on.
    And she talking about your dad or you doesn't certify that.
    Is she the one who got to give you the "Good conduct certificate?" Just relax and think!
    I agree that you are stressed and peace less.
    But you got to fix it. We are adults and we realize that very late. ( I realized it very late though)
    We got to fix our lives! No one will come. Even the almighty.
    So think, relax, stay chill and sort it out.
    If your that much stressed do meditation or yoga. That will definitely help.
    So to conclude, my suggestion is IGNORE IGNORE and IGNORE.
    And dont waste your time with such things. Make sure your husband is on your side or at least understands you. I feel he seems to be on your side.
     
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  9. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    I think you are right about meditating and enjoy the life with my husband ... my husband is on my side still he wants me to bend towards her mom like a slave. he on one side know that his mom is behaving rude to me and is blaming me for everything uselessly, on the other hand he wants me to let her mom say and do whatever she wants. I am even ready for that but then he force me to talk to her mom and then she speak rudly. her rudeness hurts me and he then scolds me that I am not responding fine.


    For example: yesterday we came back from my maternal home and we got gifts as we went there for the first time after marriage. My husband asked me to show the gifts to his mom. I did the same but she doesn't even look on my side. she was just staring at the Television without saying anything. I just showed everything and went to the kitchen as there was no response after 5mins of waiting. My husband came after me that why didnt you wait longer. He was not rude but still i am surprised that how he can think that I will crush my self respect upto that extent. I am feeling weak and helpless though my husband understands her mother is at wrong side still he wants only me to adjust in everything even if i am tired like hell , he wants me to adjust.
     
  10. IniyaaSri

    IniyaaSri IL Hall of Fame

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    Hmmmmm Tough situation! Its very tough I agree. If you think your husband is good to you and in all other aspects, then may be try doing things in front of him. For eg, if he asks you to show the gifts to his mom and wait for few more minutes, then do every thing in front of him. Let him see. Let him see how long you got to wait. Make him watch everything. Eventually he 'might' reduce that. In fact he might even stop saying that to you. But you got to try and see. I dont know how Indian men( not everyone though) are so cruel to their wives when it comes to their MOM.

    Anyway! Try and see! Whatever he tells you, just pull his hand and make him stand in front of your mother in law. Make sure he watches what happens to you and your self respect. If possible when you both are in good mood, try talking to him about self respect as a general topic. And after few days, you can tell him that just because I love you, I am not bothering about my self respect whenever you ask me to talk to your mom. Just for you. And I love you. blah blah! Make him realize how important he is to you. Dont think he wont notice,I think he will assuming he is a good man. Thats all I can say now and only these things came to my mind as of now.

    Above is my suggestion and the deciding authority is obviously you! Good luck!
     

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