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Middle Schooler Issues

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by Priya16, Jan 24, 2020.

  1. Sansa

    Sansa Silver IL'ite

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    The question here is were you anxious that she talked about sexual life as a 13 yr old or is it about her sexual orientation. Will you be this anxious if she is straight and interested only in boys. I think answering these questions to yourself may help you to navigate the path further and help you to approach the problem/ react in a better way.
     
  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    it's about sexual orientation. I wouldn't have that anxious if she is interested only in boys. I know this all the way my life and more prepared for it.
    Only at this point, I need to support her as a parent and be there for her and see what happens later in our lives.
     
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    @1Sandhya
    I really appreciate all your help and insight into this.

    The first reaction was anger and then I started to worry about it a lot.
    Suppose if the same kid was in Indian, her surroundings might be different and influences will be different.
    Especially my daughter,It's based on surroundings she is in and she is giving more thought to it and also so much material on the internet helping to burn the mind more and also freedom which they have in this country.
    I have old age parents back home and another sibling single handly taking care of them for the past 2-3 years.
    I would like to move back and help them but only kids education stopping me to be here.
    My other kid is in high school.

    I will enroll her in her balavihar as they need an identity.

    I did this over the weekend. I told her I want to understand you better and be there for you. She didn't talk much.
    only my question is at this point, this was 6months back, what if she already explored her initial feeling and going in a different direction at this point? I see now she is friends with two Indian boys and made more friends with other people. She couldn't focus last semester well. But this semester, she started focusing better on studies.

    Can I wait until she brings up the topic next time or talks to her here and then?


    When I bring this conversation with her after I posted her, she tried to show me over the internet.
    She also told me, I think a lot of parents are not aware of this and she grabbed my phone to show it on the internet.

    I told her, I know what it is but tell me what you are feeling, do you think you have attracted to someone?
    She didn't talk much after that at the same time she didn't feel that emotion as she was when we had conversation 6 months back.

    I really appreciate your time to reply to this thread.
     
  4. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    @Priya16 I feel you are not mentally in a good place about LGBT. Your fear that your daughter may have already become active is also complicating the situation. Your strong feelings about these two aspects are derailing the conversations with your daughter. I would suggest you first address these two issues within yourself before attempting any dialogue with her.
    This is meaningless fear. It’s like a MIL complaining that if only they had taken dil to different hospital to do her delivery they would have got a grandson for sure instead of daughter.

    Your daughter needs you more than your parents right now. Your parents have another child and they are being taken care of. Your daughter has only one mom you.
    I think you should first talk this over in real life with a trusted and close friend, and think over the ramifications. Internet friends can only do so much. And if she is telling you or showing you stuff be patient. Hear her out without interrupting. Talk very less, listen more. She knows you well, that you don’t know much about this I think. That’s why she was trying to show you.

    You CANNOT force the conversation into specific directions nor can you dictate to her. You are not in a position to dictate to her, please understand that. This is the hard truth we Indian parents have to come to terms with in our high school kids. We took a lot of crap and pressure from our parents but we can’t do it to this generation. Whether it is choice of major, college, subject, extra-curricular, friends, interests, we can only listen and guide. Gently hint and influence. Never force.

    Interrupting her to ask first tell me did you do anything etc will only alienate her. As to Your what if question? I cannot answer that for you. You will have to find an answer for that with which you can be at peace with for yourself. Is that reassurance really so paramount for you? We grew up in a different world where a lot of stress on these things. In today’s world it is meaningless. Both here and in India. Kids in India are way more forward than kids here in these matters.

    But I will say this - you should have trust in the upbringing you have given her, the sanskars and the values. It will bear fruit. This feels like a dark time and dark place for you so my deepest sympathies, but you will find your way out. Just don’t panic and try to remember at all times this is no stranger this is your own flesh and blood.
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2020
    SunPa, Priya16, hermitcrab and 2 others like this.
  5. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    @1Sandhya

    A very good post. I appreciate all your effort to put some sense into me.

    I get what you are saying 100%. I am doing a lot better after I started this thread.

    I don' think, I have any real friends whom I can discuss this topic.

    If things bother me more, I can see the counselor. But, I get what you saying 100%
     
    1Sandhya likes this.
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello dear,
    Though I am relieved to see you take it in positive spirit, i am a little pained to see that you phrased it as 'put some sense into ' you. i am doing nothing of the sort. We are all in the same boat, we are all moms here raising our kids in foreign lands and seeing them influenced by things we never dreamt of, and struggling to figure out what makes sense and what doesnt. My kids are older than yours and so maybe I am a little ahead of you but trust me this journey never ends. All we can do is band together and share the painfully learned lessons.

    Though I didnt face this exact issue with my brats, I will say that themes of social justice, and 'who am I' 'Where do I fit in' is a pretty big trend in their heads during the next few high school years. My kids also reacted by rejecting all things Indian and india, proclaiming they are American, and atheist and hate indian culture and what not. They lack nuance and perspective in general and see things in black and white. 'Oh you said that!' means 'you are <insert label>' is very common. This is a phase. And only a phase. Bear it. And pray it goes away. It does, sooner or later.

    You can try contacting the mom of the other girl your daughter referenced. Join her for coffee and have a chat with her. Dont reveal anything but see what she says. Maybe you can bring the topic by saying you didnt expect this kind of issue already at this age so lil surprised and let her take it from there. In general you should take this as a sign to involve more in your daughter school events and mix with the other parents more, just to get an idea of what all is going on. Now it is this, later it will be teachers and tracks and courses and summer and what not. Maybe the 80% white issue is stopping you. Dont let it stop you. Actually you will find at least few people if not most who will be friendly and open and have the attitude we are all parents in this together. And will make some friends. The ones who don't have that attitude you can avoid.
     
    Priya16 and mangaii like this.

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