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Mental Overload In Domestic Felicity ?

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Nonya, May 29, 2017.

  1. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    I saw this cartoon strip on the web (Guardian news paper) that reminded me of some of the things I had read on this forum.

    A member complaining about how she does everything for their life together -- all the chores at home, and vacation planning, etc -- and the husband does squat. He does not even talk to her properly and share his opinions on anything. She is lonesome and bored. Another member responding that if we didn't take the effort, boys will just exist, and not do anything at all to live a life properly.

    Another member who is apparently married for quite a long time, concedes that the husband will do whatever that is asked of him.

    The cartoon strip contends that we are loaded with the mental work of planning as well as doing most of the things to have a life with a husband/partner. We are foisted with both the managerial (organizing, planning) as well as grunt (actually executing the plan) portions of the work. And this is unfair burden sharing in a life together. The baby (gestating, delivering, caring-for, raising, educating etc..) already imposes a grand lopsided responsibility of the woman, even before the home-management work is piled on top of that.

    I think the cartoon strip makes a valid point.

    The gender wars of household chores: a feminist comic
     
    Sandycandy, Amica, SGBV and 6 others like this.
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Very true. I rarely read the Guardian. But each time, I feel like making the donation they suggest at the bottom.

    The article suggests that when a baby is born, things get organized into a pattern of the woman organizing life, and man executing. True. Sometimes it happens even earlier, like the wedding, or managing the families pre-wedding.

    From the cartoon strip:
    "When a man expect his partner to ask him to do things, he's viewing her as the manager of household chores. So it's up to her to know what needs to be done and when.

    The problem with that, is that planning and organizing things is already a full-time job.

    At work, once I started managing projects, I quickly stopped participating in them. I didn't have the time.

    So when we ask women to take on the task of organization, and at the time to execute a large portion, in the end it represents 75% of the work.

    Feminists call this work the mental load.

    The mental load means always having to remember. The mental load is almost completely borne by women. It's permanent and exhausting work. And it's invisible."


    I agree with the article. Why things are like that, how good or bad it is, what can be done, should anything be done, are women some part of the reason for it... don't know.
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2017
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  3. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Really a good article . I Felt like reading my story . My dh helps me with everything , house hold work, taking care of baby but only if I ask !! .I am the planner and he is the executer. Some time I really get tired of planning everything , sometimes I wish if he takes the lead and I can sit in the back seat !!

    The main reason is upbringing .
    I feel main reason behind is the upbringing. My dh had a spoon fed life . Highly controlling parents .

    Even after getting salary he used to hand over everything to his mom and she will invest everything in her name!! . My mil used to tell me I don't want my son to be independent .!! So he was not sure of what to do and how to do.

    How to change
    I feel such scenarios after marriage husband and wife should live separately which will force the husband to take some responsibility at home and outside . Then only you should go for baby else it will drive you nuts !!

    Future for such relationship
    In my case I feel things are changing but in a slow manner . I am kind of training him to take decisions, be independent, be a leader, be a planner ( I always say I married a baby boy not a man!! ). Even though I desperately wish for that genuine feeling ( he will plan and do everything for me & baby ) I believe it is going to take some time .

    As he doesn't have any other bad character , I am still with him. We have been married for 7 years.
     
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  4. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    cute ! Live separatly after marriage ? Ha..ha..ha.. The only way to do this is to have 3 friends to marry 3 guys, and send two of the 3 away to phoren (gulf country ?) to earn some big money. Then the 3 girls can get together and train the one remaining at home in the proper behavior for helping a wife. After a couple of years when the other two come home, (with gifts for the wives and the kids), they can retain one of them who had been away, and send the other two out. The retraining can begin all over again. In about three foreign work-trips for men, everyone will be trained well. And all the women would have 2 or 3 kids by then.

    Co-operative, multi couple, collective family living arrangement would be a good deal for training men to household labors without having to be asked to do specific tasks.
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Very true, and I accept everything written there.

    It is very similar to what we are living today.

    Ideally, the women are suppose to be the home managers, who takes 100% of the mental work of organizing and planning and managing the implementation of various tasks at home front.
    The husbands, being the head of the household have other roles, such as earning an income, and being responsible overall.

    Several years back, precisely during my granny's ear this worked really well.
    My granny was the real house manager. She had this house key-set tied in her waist, and controlled the household. She was responsible for all the mental works, including planning and organizing everything. It was not easy, as she was a mother of 10 children.
    But on the other hand, the house had several other people. This extended family members had their roles to play too.
    In addition there were many domestic helpers around.
    So, as per my granny's plans, there were someone to cook, someone to clean, someone to look after the kids, someone to take the kids to School, and someone to work in the garden. Granny didn't have to lift a spoon in her house.
    She was respected as a queen of the house. More so, she never expected her spouse to support her or share her burden in anyway.
    She found it very easy to direct, order and execute the household chores through other members.

    This was slightly different in my mother's case. Mom did not have the luxury of living with so many people in her house. Although our grandparents were around, mom had to do some chores in the house, specially the basic chores like cooking, looking after the kids etc. She was a house-wife. Although she was fully responsible for the planning and organizing matters, she also contributed some ground level implementations too.
    But she had ample time and energy to do the works by herself then.
    She rarely expected her spouse to pitch in. Even if his contributions were not satisfactory, she handled it.

    Our time is completely different. As a working woman, I have absolutely no help in the home front. It is very expensive to have a maid here. That too, very much unreliable. No family member to support with the chores. It is our house, our chores, our responsibilities.
    Sadly we educated women are expected to lend our support to the family's economy so that our male counterpart is relieved a bit.
    If the women can drive, and can be independent, then the driving job and kid's extra curricular works are dumped to the mom.
    And the men still expect their women to ASK in order to share their household burdens.

    In a way, I think we women are not great managers. We are bad at delegating our responsibilities.
    Eg: My H can cook, he can teach the kids, and can bath them.. these are not rocket science. Even then, I think million times before delegating these tasks to him.
    Even after delegating, I wonder what if he doesn't feed the kids on time, what if he messes up the kitchen, what if he bath the kids wrongly... So, it further disturbs me.
    Well, I would be comfortable to leave the kitchen or home at the care of some random maids, but not with my H.
    Because I can bluntly ask the maids to do the tasks as a manager. But when it comes to my H, I stop acting like a manager, but a wife. As a wife, I have certain limitations when it comes to commanding.

    Because I can ask the maid to re-do the kitchen, that too very strictly if she messes it up. But what can I do if my H does the same mistake? Most likely I will be ended up re-doing everything; thus added tasks.

    Women can be managers, but husbands are bad subordinates.
     
  6. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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