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Married Women Staying At Parents House Always

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by charanya147, Sep 28, 2017.

  1. charanya147

    charanya147 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi bright ILS,
    I need all your valuable comments on the following scenario. ...

    My friend got married 5 years ago, she has 2 small kids. I have a great concern for her always. Nowadays a small thing is bothering me a lot about her life.i don't know whether to talk to her regarding this. .......

    Her husband is working in another country, from the time he got a job in other country she is staying with her parents. Except the children there is no change in her life before snd after marriage (lucky though )......her retired parents and jobless brother also stays are with her.... problem(!) are

    $ her brother graduated before 3 years, but still not going for a job ,spends her money happily, taking hercar out...enjoying a life without motivation
    $ her parents too enjoying her stay , have their hands on her ...
    My concerns are,
    She is notwilling to stay with her husband. She always wants her to stay with parents . ..i hinted her many times regarding the role of a father in childrens life. I hinted her their children will not get a fathers love and care....(her husband too not bothering regarding this.....he used to say im free from all the responsibilities. ...im a bachelor always ...i will give money you do whatever you wants.)... i don't know what is the purpose of this marriage if shelikes to stay with parents always ........she is well educated but notwilling to go to job....everyone are staying in home at her house. ...no job nothing......

    My question is I know this is not my job to correct/suggest her still i have a doubt,
    Is this attitude good for her and her family. ?.....is this good for kids to see parents in different countries? Will this idle sitting recommended? ......

    Thanks
     
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  2. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    As you said it's not your job to correct or suggest her.
    At the end of it, I think it works for her family as no one is complaining and everyone seems okay with the arrangement.
     
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  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    First of all, is she a very close friend ? Will she care for your suggestions?

    Your concerns are valid. If we care about someone, n if something is not right in their life, it is normal for us to think / worry about it. Whether we talk or do something about it is a different topic.

    I think her parents n brother are enjoying the financial gains from her.

    But the brother has to go for a job if he has to get married, maybe that point can push him towards the right path.

    Parents - do they have any other means of income ? Or does the whole house run from the money sent from abroad ?

    Yes the kids needs the father. Either the kids should demand for it or the parents has to think about it.

    Looks like this setup is working for everyone, parents n bro gets money.
    The friend doesn't have to deal with any hubby / in laws drama n d parents can help take care of her kids. N the money is being sent by her dh.
    Her hubby is happy to be away from all the responsibilities n jus send out money.
    - So if you see, the whole thing is tied with one string called money, if that tumbles, the whole system will tumble too. Or they have to realize n wake up.
     
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  4. charanya147

    charanya147 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks
    Hi

    Yes she is too close to me ....like my sister. ..so thst im concerned for her.....as you said allof them are ok with the setup......even in our friends grp all are appreciating her for making her husband dance for her and her parents tune.....but im the one who sees in different mode.....everyone are speaking about her gain.....but im worried about her snd rhe children loss........
     
  5. memeera1234

    memeera1234 Gold IL'ite

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    What I did suggest is that since you are so close enough to be soul sisters, you need to find out the reason why she enjoys her present life rather than staying with her husband. Are there any compatibility issues or there is something more than meets the eye? Try to find out what's the issue before interfering and giving your inputs in her life.
     
  6. meril

    meril Gold IL'ite

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    Dear @charanya147,

    Well, as long as everything seems fine with your friend and her family it doesn't seem to be a concern, but like you mentioned her kids wouldn't get the love and affection from their Father. Which would be a major concern.

    Later on in their lives Father would be nothing other than the source of income, and they might not love or care for him for which they cannot be blamed.

    Has her brother tried for a job, if not you can hint it to her that he should look out for a job.

    The problem arises when he looks out for a proposal later on in life,

    Why would anyone ever get their daughter married to an unemployed man?
    How would he and his wife and the kids to be born to them be fed?

    Be caution while talking to you friend about a stay with her husband. You maybe doing it for her good, but it might not appeal to her that way.

    All the best!
     
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  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, Only your friend and her husband know exactly what is going on in their married life. If the current setup work for both and are happy with it, what is your problem. In one way in it is a good set up because she dont have to tolerate any PILS issue while her husband is away.

    Is her husband ready to take his family with him to the country where he is staying now? Look like he is happy with current setup. If not what is the point in advising her to stay with her husband.

    I can understand your concern, but if your thinking not appreciated, it is better to stop giving unwanted advice even to a close friend. She is an adult.Let her decide what she wants. Unless she ask your help or advice your efforts will never be valued and it may back fire. It is better not to interfere in others life or family matters without being asked;even then we have to be very careful in the way we talk or convey our message.
     
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  8. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Every family is different. There are some women who have to raise 2 children in the In-laws house, with the same scenario (husband living abroad). No one is excessively bothered by that arrangement, because it's pretty common. I find it interesting that the husband is ok with this arrangement, and prefers his roles as just a money purse. I don't think there is anything wrong with the arrangement - it is beneficial for your friend, her parents, her children, and her brother. The children still get a lot of love and attention from grandparents and mom, which may not happen if your friend moved abroad. There's no reason she HAS to work, if she doesn't want/need to.
     
  9. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    Better not to think about her and spoil your peace of mind. All are happy with that set up and it is working for them. They should think if kids are missing father's love, if so they will sort that out. May be kids are also happy with this set up as they have grand parents. May be they are seeing a father figure in their grand dad and uncle.
     
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  10. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    What is wrong with this setup? Doesnt a married man stay with his parents life long enjoying the best of both worlds??
    Here the H wants to enjoy bachelor life free of responsibilities and the wife is making the most of this opportunity. Smart wife , i would say.
    Father should make efforts to stay with children and not the other way round. I think kids here are happy and growing in a happy environment.
     
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