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Married for 8 years (Planning to now come out of this emotional abusive marriage)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by desilady13, Sep 25, 2013.

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  1. desilady13

    desilady13 Silver IL'ite

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    Friends,

    I have been married for 8 years now, with a beautiful kid who is going to be 2 very soon.

    Background and first year - I got married at 23, an arranged marriage (the boy was 24 at that time of marriage). He had a job with a good company, was good at school, however, his family background was not so well off (never owned a home, joint family to save costs, loans taken for elder sister's wedding, other Father's debts etc). My parents had felt even though they weren't that well off compared to us (we were born in India, but were living overseas from when I was 17 years, owned a home, car, no loans etc) the boy seemed hardworking as he had entirely planned his sister's marriage, was on the way to clear his Father's 3-4 lakh loans as well. They took dowry too (I was against it, my parents asked me to shut up at that point, saying people don't get married without paying dowry -{unfortunate mindset in India}) Well, I did get to speak with him on the phone daily for 4 months before getting married and I actually felt we clicked, although I used to keep asking, why does a boy get married at 24 years and his answer was to escape his parent's and family's assumption that his son is always there to clear their loan in life, and that once he is married, he can have a wife (working) who can plan their future well.

    We got married and actually the 2nd day of marriage, he and his father suddenly disappeared from a pooja for 3 hours, and later my Father and relatives had said, he was apparently "disappointed" that my relatives were calling him by his name and he wanted to be called ' damadji' to show some respect to him! Anyway, almost a scene was already created, and he said sorry to me afterwards for disappearing and i considered it irrelevant and moved on. Our honeymoon was paid by my parents. I was at that time working in another country, and I moved to be with him in Australia, and was working as well. First month of our marriage, he wanted me to pay house rent, and bills as he said, he wanted to pay off all his Father's loans and be debt free to start his family. I disagreed (start of fights and arguments), he stressed it, but I was afraid that if a husband already expects you to start paying house rent from day one of marriage, what can he expect later...Anyway, I contributed towards our vacations, small or big, groceries, and other simple household expenses without hesitation.
    Next 5 years - I then moved to the US for pursuing my Masters (my husband knew about this from day 1), and my husband then left his job and moved to India for 6 months to live with his parents and find a job in US. He finally came to the west coast. I actually got an internship with a company for the summer as soon as I started my masters and my husband was still overseas at that time. Daily communication was hard, and we were in touch via email or yahoo chat. I had told him about the internship opportunity (which i hadn't accepted yet casually) and he freaked out by calling this betrayal etc as why i hadn't told him about it. Anyway, I apologized (not really knowing what was wrong if someone offered me a job, and it was supposed to be good and it was only an internship which i can refuse as well). Time moved on, and he came to US and lived in west coast with a roommate. He was already in US for more than 6 month, I finally did accept that internship in west coast, and stayed in summer with him, little knowing he had a BIG secret!
    He one day tells me, he bought a house in India for his parents, his excuse - it was cheap and affordable for him. Actually he always mentioned about buying a home in India, but I kept telling him to wait, and lets invest in it together when time is right. But he went ahead and bought a home on his and his Father';s name!
    Anyway, after much arguments and convincing, I finally left that issue behind and moved on.

    Last 2 years -Husband never has any discipline in life, sleeps around 3-4 am many times, wakes up at noon, works from home 2-3 days a week, always had some excuse to help around house (sometimes work, studies, GMAT, accent classes, voluntary work) and I EACH AND EVERY TIME supported him to pursue his goal. In my mind (or I guess he put it in my brain) I owed it to him (for staying away from him, and him allowing me to pursue my MS in US alone) and hence didn't really DIDNT ACTIVELY GO AFTER exciting job opportunities in the US but merely adjusted to the first offer I got in a city he wanted to live in US. At that point, he too was looking to change jobs and I just wanted to live with him, and hence accepted the first job that was offered to me just to be with him.

    Life with him was never easy...always we had arguments, about parents, his erratic financial behavior (ex - telling me I don't know how investments work, and suggesting me to agree that we buy a foreclosure in US, or actually opening a joint account to buy shares and he used all that money to invest in shares without my knowledge, buys a diamond ring for me, but doesn't spend a single dollar for his own kid, or anything useful). I was always practical (savings imp type), and disciplined (sleep at 10-11 and wake up by 6 am, etc) while he spent hours talking on phone with friends, cousins, parents, relatives each and every day.He always sent money to his parents in India, in begining ($800-1000 AUD), and then slowly $500 USD per month, whenever I questioned why is so much money required to live in India, he used to say "you don't know how expensive things are in India" (I never lived in India since I was 17), and then I just shut up.

    And I guess, I was always a fool because I did love that man for a long time..however it came to a point where I used to think if marriage was even worth it as we two people of complete different personalities, different backgrounds and maybe culture even (I have lived out of India for more than 14 years now, but have always been extremely traditional). He believed in vedic culture, so he says, and was against coming to temples, but came to pray many times for me (or maybe for him), you see he always a hypocrite...Anyway, my pregnancy was unplanned, but after i became pregnant, I did think people change and become more responsible towards family so he might change too. Even during pregnancy, he started his MBA, and I supported him for that, I spent many a days alone waiting in the evenings for him to say even one word...almost from pregnancy we kept getting apart. Time came when my kid was born, things seemed okay, I had a c-section and was working, went back to work in 10 weeks.


    How things became worse

    His parents visited us for the first time for 6 months! (My relationship with his parents was very little, although I didnt expect too worse things, but thought my husband will be there for me if anything goes wrong). His Father had begun abuses towards me - she doesnt know how to keep my son happy, their kundli didnt match, what are you doing with her? why dont you leave her? does she fight with you all the time? his mother - trying to be soft but sarcastic, please don't become like his father - forgive him for all his mistakes in life, never ever leave your job(??)
    One simple incident, I bought a saree for my MIL when they were leaving, just a good gesture, my husband immediately talks - why nothing for my DAD? I (fool I was, I didnt know how to talk cunningly), said, I felt nothing for your DAD, he gave me nothing but abuses, so just a saree for your mother, and he simply burst out in front of his parents against me as well! Those were the days, along with a 5 month old kid, I felt nothing but alone. My love for my kid increased 10 times, as I felt all alone and felt I had no one to love except that innocent face.

    Anyway, after his parents left etc, I still moved on and continued life with him, now that I had a child. Never, he tried contributing towards our kid's expenses such as diapers, formula etc. I bought the crib, stroller, car seat, bouncer, swing etc all with my money. Always took him on vacations with my money as well.

    Around my kid's first birthday, I was laid off from my job, it was a big shock to me. I somehow found another job in 2 months time who sponsored my H1 etc. This new job had a long commute, I dropped my kid at daycare, paid all daycare expenses, always took him to the doctor alone (husband says, he's busy at work) etc. Pretty much, he was absent from our daily lives. Kid got extremely sick for 4-5 months, 103-104 fevers daily, I was working 50-60 hours a week, husband started to travel out of city to west coast every week for those same 4-5 months (sometimes travel was necessary, sometimes not, which he himself said). I was exhausted, fainted one day and even visited the cardiologist, who conducted multiple tests on me. Husband accompanied all these tests with me as well.


    Sometimes he even used to cry and say, I cannot live without you, how can our kid not have his mom, you take care of your health, maybe quit job if you have to, I will provide for our family. This did change my mind and I actually quit my job couple of months ago.


    My parents live in the US (moved to US only and only for myself and my sister), and I decided to spent 2 months with him before getting back to him. Since i came to live with my parents, i had further health issues, infections, my mother got sick, kid was still sick but i tried my best to get over with all those and enjoy my time with my parents (first time ever in 8 years). To avoid my husband's nagging tendencies, i decided to ignore his phone calls and emails. However, he showed up suddenly on our anniversary day at my parent's place (I was still happy at the surprise visit) and forced me to talk me to his Dad, which I flatly refused. That entire day, he never spoke a word with me, yelled at me in front of my parents saying, "your daughter doesnt have the decency to even speak to me father", when i had said, i wasn't interested in speaking to his dad for now.

    Things didn't stop there. every single day, emails about how much he did for me during my MS, how he cooked rice for me during pregnancy, how he bought me a diamond ring, etc/...I simply ignored all that (my mistake again, you see - i don't know how to stay knack and cunning), and thought simply ignoring his phone calls will solve the issue. He pressured of divorce etc, and i sort of forced myself in going back home right away. When I came back home, he had a whole wall with pictures of blood, tears, depression, 'ek tha tiger posters', 'life of pi', poems about i betrayed him, very graphic and expensive (he spent $200 on the images, and plaster boards, later i saw receipts)

    When i confronted him with all that, he said that's how he felt. I moved out of my home, unable to take all that (actually fearing for my life and kid's not knowing if he really is a psychopath!) I decided to see a marriage counselor with him, to which he agreed. Unfortunately, even the counselor fell into his sob stories (he can lie very convincingly) about how much he loves me!

    One more thing - i found out after going through his emails (without his knowledge) one day that he opened a courier business for his Father, in India! seriously???? his excuse was - i don't like his parents, and whenever he wants to tell me anything about his parents, i don't allow him to.
    There were many days I spent only crying, trying to explain logic to him - with no result. Unfortunately, he went to every single friend i knew in my social circle where i live to tell his sob stories (maybe assuming i'll fall for the social pressure and will live with him again) BUT NOT TO ME. Every time he saw me after i moved out, he spoke with me so derogatorily when i was alone, that i wonder if anyone talks to their wife like that.

    What i have realized is he has zero respect for me. I have actually fallen out of love in my marriage completely. I was only trying counselling etc, to try and compromise for the kid! Heis using the very same excuse by saying things like, "where can you go, you have no status, no money, etc"


    I have decided to stay strong through all this, find a job in my field again, get my career and health back, (my parents and my sister have been angels through all this with their support). If he goes ahead and files a divorce, let him. It is unfortunate that I have to think about custody issues etc...Maybe some miracle will happen and he will change and come to his sense?

    My issue is not with his parents (they are only a small % of the issue), issue is entirely him, his personality, irresponsibility.

    Men change after having kids, I had thought, the very thought has backfired. If he truly loved his parents so extremely, he would never complain to me about his Dad, which he used to constantly every week saying how his Father never worked, never took care of his family, was irresponsible, didnt save money, etc etc...Little did I understand, that this guy actually doesn't love anyone, not his parents nor me, or his kid...only himself, and will go to any extents to prove himself right weather finances, or other household matters.

    Life questions
    - how can someone stay with a spouse who has no respect for each other anymore (I too lost respect for him), no love?
    - Stay with someone who lies?
    - From when we were married, we always had arguments, always fought on petty things as well as big things..is this really marriage? honestly speaking, i don't know what happy means..may be there were days when i was happy, but then the last 2 years were like - i was praying for a day when we don't fight, which was very rare.
    - He discounted every single thing my parents did for him (any support of any form), and said one day, "your father never gave me any money, i came to US on my own H1" did he always expect money? and now that i wasn't working and contributing towards house expenses, he went crazy? is that acceptable?really?
    - my heart broke even further, when he put up graphic images in his room only to scare me off? make me feel guilty for not talking to him? after he constantly yelled at me even after i moved out, and when he can actually go and sob in front of our friends, but not say a word to me without yelling?

    Additional characteristics -
    Husband - Always aggressive in nature, fickle minded, says something but does something else (as described by his own friends), money minded, lies big time, can be caring (at least i had thought so till now)
    Me - straight forward, many times brutally honest, short tempered (maybe until last year more so), extremely emotional



    My parents have blamed themselves a little for this marriage of mine, but I know I am responsible for where I am in life right now, if i wasn't happy i should have moved out sooner, not have a kid, probably not quit my job either....lot of lessons I learned in life....which probably will help the next person reading this..
     
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  2. simpleMom

    simpleMom Gold IL'ite

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    While there are many red-flags, this one is emotional blackmailing and indicates violent behavior. Does he physically abuse you? You don't have to tell me. Just a point to think about.

    You guys lived apart many times without building foundation. Both of are thinking and doing in tangents. You never lived in India since past 17 years but he plans to live in India and even bought a home. These are major decisions and need careful diligence. I am surprised that he took such decision without consenting you.

    He seems to have financial obligations towards his parents. Is it possible for you fix an amount per month/year that can go towards helping parents/in-laws? But your relationship probably is not at a stage where you can correct these issues.

    I don't think it is worth saving this marriage. Not all marriages are worth saving. Fulfilling life can be had without one. You have your parents and sister here. Good education. Kid. Hopefully a good job. Your life will be hell with such a blackmailer.

    I am bit concerned for you. Be safe and plan well given his aggressive nature. If you decide to separate, don't leave that home in India. That is part of the assets you both acquired during the marriage.
     
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  3. littl

    littl Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello OP,

    I Understand your situation, and felt v sad . you are the best adviser for yourself now. so do whatever u feel is correct for you and your kids future. and i suggest you to try not to be like the above quoted way in this present world. Good luck for your Future.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2013
  4. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP

    I am very sad to read your story. I feel your pain. You have gone through lot in past 8 years. Hugs to you. I hope your kids is in good health now. I will pray for you and your family. Believe me lot of indian women go through this pain due to immature husbands and greedy in laws. working DIL (especially in foreign country) is money minting machine for many in laws. They don't know how hard is life here espacially with small baby, full time job, visa complications, uncertainly etc

    Its very common in indian community husbands sending money to his parents regularly. Son is like old age pension for many. Thats why they want boy child not girl child.

    First of all your husband shouldn't have married if he was not settled or not ready to start his own family. He is very childish it seems (from that posters episode). He has problem is communication. Try marriage counselling, Stay separate for some time and think what is good for you and kid.

    If you ever decide to reconcile put your conditions like he should provide for kid expenses, help you with kids and house chores, responsibilities, be supportive and caring
    I will keep you in my prayers. Take care
     
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  5. geetha mahesh

    geetha mahesh Bronze IL'ite

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    It is not clear what kind of personality the husband is. I would suggest revisiting a marriage counselor again. It is easy to break a relationship but thinking about the child it needs to be thought more clearly.
    While I see some sort of narcissitic kind of personality here, the husband has no bad habits or he hasnt gone out of the relationship. Giving money to the aprents, buying homes in India all can be forgiven, he did not reveal this probably because was afraid if his lower socio-economic background.

    Following things I would suggest... although i am not directly seeing the person fgoing through this feel these need to be thought about-

    1) Child needs both parents- so try your best to work out the relationship.
    2)Money matters should never be important between husband and wife. It can seriously break the relatonship.
    3) I am not sure what to say with the in-laws relationship...have little experience...
    4) Contact local organisations called Sathi...they might be of help in mroe than counseling..
    5) Dont think about money spent on your child by yourself...afterall it is your blood...it doesnt matter you do or husband does...

    Always hope for the best and work for the best. God bless you and family.
     
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  6. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi OP,

    if you feel emotionally and financially drained/ out of control, you probably are being abused. If you are certain that he acts in front of others but uses threats and blackmail with you, please don't go back. You are blessed to have supportive parents and ability to be financially secure. Looks like your husband has a chip on his shoulder and is trying to bully you back into the relationship.

    While it is ideal for a child to have both parents, any child can do without an unhinged one who makes the family dysfunctional. Instead of wasting your time and energy on someone so weird that he mutilates a wall with dark images, you might as well leave... Consult a lawyer though in any case so that he doesn't twist things around that you end up paying the alimony ( that could happen; you know!)
     
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  7. desilady13

    desilady13 Silver IL'ite

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    guesshoo, thanks for your input. I do know that and strongly feel that his idea for putting up such images on the wall (i can post them here, but they are pretty graphic on depression, and a lady who is crushing a heart with blood all over her hands) was to make me feel guilty for not talking to him on phone (i was constantly in touch with him via email during those 2 months i was at my parents).

    So far, he has used -
    1. social pressure by telling his sob stories to all our friends where we live (my friends are no longer mine) - maybe assuming i will succumb to social pressures
    2. threatening to kill himself, leave the country
    3. putting up posters on wall to make me feel guilty, vulnerable and scared
    4. yelling and shouting at me to sort of use his voice and language to show me my status of being a dependent.

    One BIG lesson i learned which will probably be useful to any woman - Never quit your job however tough circumstances maybe, if you have even the slightest doubt on your husband's mentality. The thing is i have always been working in my life since 18 years, am an Engineer, with excellent qualifications and a masters degree and always had good jobs. But life took me to a point where i had to choose my kid's health, my health, my family, vs my job and i choose to quit my job thinking i can work on my family.

    Also, I thought I'll add - our physical relationship was pretty much non-existent since i had the baby (close to 2 years), whatever contact we had was maybe once in 3 months or more..Even for this he has always blamed me (infact made me believe that its my fault, and something is wrong with me physically, and i actually saw an endocrinologist, and my physician for this as well assuming something is off with my hormones or cortisol levels).

    Another thing to add is - whenever my Mom used to visit me, she always had something to say against my husband..by saying things like, "look at the way he's shouting at you" etc..but i think i have overlooked so many such things that i began to think thats all normal, and actually told my Mom at one point, to not visit me again, and disturb my family peace!

    Truly I have never seen such a person in my life - who yells at you one point, put your down by saying you don't know anything (about daycares, finances, investments etc), and then suddenly out of the blue buys you a diamond ring, by saying he loves you like anything. I mean, i would have to be a rock to have no emotions or rather learn to change from sad to happy really quick!

    I actually did consult a lawyer already, and now hoping to finalize on a job soon as well....
     
  8. simpleMom

    simpleMom Gold IL'ite

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    Good. 1,2 and 3 mentioned by you indicate deep rooted problems. You may not have solutions for those problems unless you decide to become a savior of his life.
     
  9. desilady13

    desilady13 Silver IL'ite

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    geetha - my question is 'what are bad habits?' drinking or smoking? really?>if a person doesnt do those two, they are okay?
    so far, i have tried counselling already (5 sessions), stayed away from him at my sister's place and tried to see if he'll talk with me with atleast an ounce of respect...but he didn't.
    From my side, so far, i am planning to wait and see what his next steps are, rather than me taking a legal separation step...i am trying to concentrate solely on finding a job first...

    one more thing to add - i really haven't ruled out an affair either..(who knows?) since whenevr we have had fights in the past, he always had a tendency to speak atleast a little softly later on, but this time either he is very adamant to me (but continuing crying in front of our friends that he cannot live without me), or has something holding him back...i am still trying to investigate and find out if there is an affair or something else or someone else involved...

    Thanks for your blessings girls....Although, I grew up last 14 years out of India, I am a very traditional, god believing person..and at some stage I too did have questions like - "why me", what next" etc...but only because of my sister's and my parents, support I am able to move along with life...Every day when i wake up i say to myself,"Life is a journey, there is no destination", " God tests everyone, and everyone goes through a tough time in some form or another, i should probably count blessings i have rather than what i don't have"
     
  10. desilady13

    desilady13 Silver IL'ite

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    Proud indian, you have said it very correctly. He does have a lot of issues in communication. From the very begining, he always likes writing emails (long ones at that), and I too fell prey for it, and many times if we had to talk, we spoke only via email! I never had problems with him sending money to his parents (and i do know, they see him as a money machine), but hiding things like buying a home, his father's courier business, opening bank accounts in India, add-on cards for his father, and god knows what else...his secrecy is what has been the main issue all the time. He pretty much knows everything about me and my family (health issues, money everything) but i still don't know if his parents even live in the home he bought for them 5 years ago!!!
     
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