Married for 20 years but there's a vacuum inside

I can respond to some extend...

First, I am married longer than you. I am happy, but emotionally detached is the right word to describe me.... Why? Probably, old scars never heal...

Everyone has some glitch in their life. Mine were 'visits to India'. My DH is a different monster when we are in India, even now I get shivers thinking about it. Here, my DH is very caring person, a devoted husband. During those 2-weeks trip to India, his behavior is different, as if he is not the same guy that used to be with me. Hard to explain it. May be, that is his true face or someone from his side was influencing him badly? It is not once or twice, even decades after our marriage, totally ignoring me/absconding, rude/arrogant, and very secretive about his spending...pretty much I don't exist in his world.

Hunky dory life here, as a family, and there 'comes the penalty' phase during those 2-weeks . My parents/siblings were the witness to his behavioral pattern, it is not only me.....others see him different as well. As if, I dragged him out his family or robbed him blindly? Compared to my family status, he had nothing when we got married. The wealth I brought with me was considerable. Now, I am mature enough to analysis it/to see the pattern in him...possibly, my family's social status bothers him and spends money on his family, trying hard to raise the bar on his side... My advise to my family side, don't marry into a family with different social status.

Pretty much...I don't trust him, deep in my mind there is an alarm 'on' as 'he could flip' any time. I learned to live with that never healing wounds. May be, I accepted him...he has his own baggage to deal with it and it is not me or something I have done.

 

Please discuss with your husband your feelings.
This is not the way any healthy marriage should be..
Too long and many years have gone by..
Just my thoughts..

 

All marriages have their issues. After being married for 20 years, we get more used to a person, so moving out of marriage is not easy. It is easier to mend it if possible. Instead of talking to him about it, may be you could try doing more things jointly, whatever activities both of you like doing. Try having some private time, just the two of you. Accept his behavior as a matter of fact and try to focus only on his better side.

 

I am sailing same boat as you, except things that I married for 10 years and in-laws live with us from day one. I feel same as you and Poovai. I am married but emotionally detached.
His parents are very manipulative and dominant. He never made me feel that I even existed in his life and family. I am still questioning myself that why I marry this person and had kids with him[I waited 6 yrs to have first baby to just make sure that we are good match for each other to start family] . May be I was fool at that time to think that with increasing responsibilities and maturing age might change his perspective.
Now after having young daughters, its not easy to walk out of relationship nor its easy to mold his or family's mentality. I also want to give him wake up call to save our marriage . I just don't know how.
But one thing I know, is trying to give him wake up call can be backfire on our little to non existed relationship.
Please help me out by evaluating my situation, and give your insight on how good chances to save marriage.

 

Let me list few things that helped me to overcome:

1) counseling
2) spend time on hobbies
3) networking - extended family/friends support
4) understanding husband/wife, need their personal space

Counseling - we didn't go to any professional help. But, our trustworthy friend helped us when we were stressed out. We talked with such a friend twice on different occasion, it definitely helped me to understand my DH's view and his responsibility towards his family. I stopped questioning him about his family/spending money towards his side of the family.

Hobbies - Up to date with regional books/movies, religious temple activities and involved in cultural activities organizing committee.

I watch lot of Indian movies. Daily I read books, at least 100+ pages to calm myself before going to sleep. Subscribed to regional language online books/book clubs, and keep up with the flow of new motivational/relationship books from our local library.

We plan yearly trips to vacation spots with friends & their families together. Since our family visits are stressful, I take it that as 'personal time out' from each other.

Regularly attend temple religious activities and socially involved with a group of friends at the temple. Temple activities are 4-6 hours event, we both attend once or twice a month.

It takes time to expand yourself to get involve with various activities. It helps to see a bigger picture in life, and my "little" problem became nonexistent.

My DH describes me as 'kaariya kirruku' (translation: keeping eye on the ball).....meaning you seems flexible as long it is beneficial to you? True, isn't it? One life to live, why make it complicated than it is necessary?

 

Dear Op,
Who is in a happy marriage you tell me? Very few people. I am also not in a very happy marriage. Frankly speaking I would not call it that, it is a happy marriage but I am unhappy over a lot of things. To begin with, I never got the emotional support or love from my husband. He loves me as long as I bide by his wishes. We met over a matrimony site and we started changing emails and then we got comfortable with each other. At that time I was so wanting to get married, I did not see his apparent flaws. If it had been now, I could have detected easily. At that time he said he wanted "nothing", he wanted only "love". So many things happened after that, we got married. From the day we first slept together till now it has been a roller coaster. He did not like me not smiling in our marriage photos, I agree I did a pretty shoddy job there. I had got my periods then. I had taken a medication given by the doctor and I don't know why that doctor gave me an alternate medication when there was a standard medication for postponing periods. So I was tense about that the entire marriage. The marriage took place in his hometown and we lived in a different city which gave rise to other issues. He saw the marriage photos, he felt I did not look good, he was embarrassed for some reason. While going to my parents house, he was so aloof from me, letting me carry my own luggage or carry with me on one end and him on the other. You see the picture? From then on, it has been like that. That day I cried so much, so much, he asked me many times why, I only said I was homesick, but he just did not care. I wanted to run away that day itself, but from then, his attitude more or less has been the same. He can do what he wants with me, violate my personal space, insult me, basically what he thinks is right. But I cannot question him on anything, after being used to his ways and him and thinking that I found an anchor finally, I am now forced to change drastically. Now he does not want to do anything with me emotionally. Do you know how it feels? I used to think it was very bad when he used to control me over everything, now it feels horrible, the old days feel more controllable and tolerable now. Basically my happiness is a function of my fortunes, if I am in good health, have good finances I am fine or else I am ignored - I feel very lonely. Now he feels I am suffocating him, what about all these years when every decision I took was put down by him, how did I feel then? I felt more like a mate, not a wife with him. I am fed up of this battle. I feel I should have just married the first person whom I got to see and just settled down instead of being picky. Many of us are not happy. OP your kids are grown up I guess, you have your husband by your side. Why do you want to walk away? Is he coming in the way of your happiness? Think about it before you take a decision. Life is not perfect for a lot of people, for those for whom it looks good, they have already been through a lot, so they have learnt a lot of things to make things work for them. So, take it easy and think with a cool mind. Leaving your husband may not be the best thing to do.

 

bruised, Its probably factually incorrect to say most marriages are bad. There are plenty of good marriages, so we cannot base it only on IL rel forum experience. For every IL rel member, there are a 100 who are not part of IL and who dont have the need to find it (some may, yes). Some marriages are unhappy, most are just fine. There is a spectrum.