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Marriage problems-Pls. help. Need your advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Kam47, Dec 14, 2011.

  1. Kam47

    Kam47 New IL'ite

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    Mine was a late marriage (arranged) after several years of searching. I am educated and had a good job before my marriage. I was working outside India before my marriage and earning well. Then this proposal was finalised and I resigned my job in that country and moved to Australia to be with my husband. From day one, his behaviour was not good. He blamed my mother for some silly reasons which does not make sense. He also does not like my father or sister. My parents had organised a grand wedding and a wonderful reception party but he found fault with everything. I was very disppointed with his behaviour but adjusted with him.
    Then I moved to Australia and things were still the same. He is a vegetarian but I am not. So I am not allowed to cook any meat in the house. He also does not like me eating meat and we argued over this several times. He had not specified this before marriage. Finally he said that I could go out and eat meat but I am not allowed to cook it in the house. He is a member of a religious organisation and he expected me to join him. But I am not interested in that group as I have different beliefs. He has always resented me for this.

    Things took a turn for the worst when he started physically abusing me. He slapped me so hard on one occasion that my spectacles flew off and landed several feet away. He made no apologies for his behaviour. He verbally abused me and called me a prostitute on several occasions. The slapping has continued and has happened on four different occasions till now. I am totally fed up with all this and want to go for divorce. I have discussed all this with my parents and sibling and they understand and support me 100% My husband and I are totally incompatible and that is the main reason for all the problems. He is not as educated as I am and financially also, my family is much better off than his family.

    We have been married for more than 3 years but do not have any children. So I feel that it is a good time to go for divorce rather than dragging this unhappy marriage on for much longer or opting to have a kid. I am working right now but I do not have a good job as my salary is quite low and I cannot support myself with this salalry. But I have the option to either move back to India or to the country where I was working before my marriage and look for a better job.

    Since my trust in my husband has been broken, I am not happy anymore.

    What do you think? I hope some ladies on this website can help me here with their advice. Especially people who have had a similar experience.
    I am in my late thirties now and come from a well to do, upper middle class family.

    Looking forward to your feedback.

    Regards,
    Kam47
     
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  2. Vennella

    Vennella Gold IL'ite

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    If you guys are not compatible even on issues like food and religion, there is no point going on living together. It is unfortunate that you guys couldn't discuss these major issues before marriage. Veg/Non-Veg thing is the issue that most people would discuss. You mentioned about abuse. If you think there is no way, you guys can work it out, and if he is just a violent person who insists on slapping you, it is better to go for divorce. Good thing is that you have no kids, which would only make the situation worse.
     
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  3. vchelluri

    vchelluri Gold IL'ite

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    Marriage is all about 2 persons from different circumstances/backgrounds living together with mutual understanding, cooperation, love and affection towards each other and sharing the resoponsibilities of life together.
    From all your description it seems that both of you don't have the compatibility to lead the life together and your husband is completely focussed on forcing you to yield to his interests and tastes and not at all concerned about your feelings. And more over you are saying that he has started physical abuse too which is not at all acceptable. If you do not feel loving/caring by him then it is of no use in being in such relationship dragging yourself to adjust in it for years together. And it will be more worse once kids enter your life if your husband doesn't care for your feelings and insisting on you to act according to his will.
    If you feel incompatible with each other, it doesn't make any sense in living together. As you don't have kids it's better to get into a clear decision of staying together or not as early as possible.

    Regards,
    Latha.
     
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  4. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

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    I'm not married, but do work in a job that specializes in abuse........so here's my professional opinion.

    Get out before it gets worse. Your emotional health and well-being is at stake here. You are being treated horribly and he isn't even recognizing how his behavior affects you. You don't deserve this, and I'm just worried how this will affect you in the long run if you do have kids later on.

    If you're anxious about supporting yourself, I don't know if you're comfortable with roommates or working 2 jobs until you get a better one. I also don't know if your family is willing to support you. Good luck with everything. Please be safe. You are in my thoughts.
     
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  5. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    You have taken a wise decision, you can go for a divorce on basis of incompatiblity and DV , generally men put up a fight if DV is cited as a reason and the case drags on.
    Separation is the first step , please find a good job , move out and then apply for a divorce. Alimony should not be a issue for you as there are no kids and you can earn a handsome salary.
    Sometimes lawyers put in real and imagined reasons in a divorce case so that it takes years to finalise.
    Desperation for marriage has put you in this miserable situation, since there were so many differences it was tough for the marriage to survive.
    Be thankful that there are no kids.Go back to your old job or move to India ,its good that your family is supporting you.
    Take care.
     
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  6. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Have you tried counselling?the main issue here is your hubby doesn't respect your individual wishes and wants you to blindly follow him-i guess a third party can instill some sense in him to respect you-if you feel that all those steps won't work out then go as per your plans.
     
  7. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't know what to think of these guys, who marry with the hope that they can make the girl bend to their need. You have major differences and he is physically, verbally abusing you. There is no point in staying in the marriage whatever the reason may be.
    Good that you have your family support on this. Find a better job & move on. From my personal experience, if you have the choice of working abroad ,do that for few years before settling back in India. Whatsoever the problem may be the Indian society tries to stamp you with a divorcee mark. In the Initial stages, it becomes too much to bear.

    Take Care.
     
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  8. RJMK

    RJMK Silver IL'ite

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    Late marriage/early marriage and all is not a concept in my view..I just think that if you get married and dont get what you deserve then walk out.
    You seem to be a smart girl who knows what is right and what is wrong but still you are hanging in there with a hope.Please dont do that.This will not stop and it may break you completely from within.End of the day you will be left with nothing.Walk out with your dignity intact.
    There is a lot of incompatibility between you and your H.Right from eating habits to many more.Smart lady..Walk out...Late 30 s and all is not an issue..People get married at 40 also...Big deal!!
    Get back your job and your life..Slapping like this is not accepatble.next time he does this please give him one tight slap back right there on his cheeks and one extra from my side.
     
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  9. Den

    Den Bronze IL'ite

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    Kam, from the gist of your email I gather you are not happy and torn between what a marriage should be (your perception) and the truth (the reality now) along with the other factors. Generally, we indians, when we marry we marry the man and his family. Your fortunate that it is three years, and when the first three years are amongst the nicest time (the honeymoon phase). you've had to endure these hardships. Its better moving out today than spending your life time regretting. You've lost three years but its better than loosing 30 years. Will say a prayer for you.
     
  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    For me marriage is a sacred thing and usually I advise to do what you can to save the union as usually the wife posts after children are born. that said, i do have to add that the top 3 deal-breakers for me -- situations when I would advise the woman walk out asap -- are 1. infidelity, 2. vice/addiction like gambling/alcohol/drugs and 3. domestic violence.

    You sound like a smart educated woman. You already know what to do so go ahead. Cut loose from this. yes ther will be some sadness that it didnt work out but you are saving yourself from a lifetime of hell.
     
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