Marriage messed - big time

Dear all,
Sorry this will be wrong. Pl bear with me.

My wife and I got married 5 yrs ago. Arranged marriage. We had 8 months between marriage and engagement. She got along well with my family etc and everything was going fine. Issues started to crop up as time passed by. The following incidents hyper pissed her - which I didn't think were a big deal.

1. I was in chennai and she was in blore. Even my parents and her parents are blore based. Few months after our engagement (she was abroad during the function, so I didn't get to put a ring on her finger) I sent her a ring. What I did was, I sent a ring and a chain to my sister and asked her to give one of those o my fiancée. She gave her the ring, and it didn't fit her...so my mom took her to a gold smith and got the ring fitted. My fiancée was not very happy about all this. She thinks it's wrong to send 2 gifts at the same time. She thinks I shoud have sent the ring to HER and bought my sister a chain on a different ocassion.

2. Once I moved to blore fir good, we met more often. One day my fiancée was going lIngerie shopping. I toook her to a movie and told her we could buy lingerie while going back home. The idea was for us to choose something exciting for our honeymoon. After the movie, my sister called. She was on her way back home from work and asked if I can pick her up. I said ok(she was completely unaware of my plans). My fiancée was hyper pissed. She took an auto and went home while I picked my sister...I didn't understand what the prob was....if we pick up my sister and then go shopping in a big mall(obviously my sister wouldnt be with us when we doing our shopping).

3. Her first bday after we met, I didn't call her at 12 . I was with friends and was a bit drunk. She called me at around 12:15...one thing led to another and we had an argument... She says I said some rather rude things to her, which I don't remember....

Late one day she bought me a present and gave it me in the car park of a shopping mall. I just looked at it and put it away and said I will look at it once we reach home, she said I didn't seem to care. Again, she was hyper pissed.

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Small and big fights happened. She said I didnt care about her. I accept I am not very expressive....I am like that.

I am very well educated. My parents are well educated....My fiancé was also well educated and was working. My mom was hospitalized when I was in chennai. My fiancé and my sister looked after her. My sister joined back work, since my fiancée was just changing jobs, she postponed her joining date and cooked for my parents for a month (lunch dinner tea etc, she would go back home after my sister returned from work )

We got married. When I asked why she still married me, she says " I believed you are a fundamentally nice person, I thought we could work on our problems".,,, also, my wife called my parents " mom and dad"...We lived 30km away from my parents - closer to work.

My family : my mom is a bit dominating types. She wants everyone to listen to her. Like anyone, she has her own goods and bads. She is the best mom ever, I owe all I am to her. My wife on the other side, is fiercely independent. She didn't like too much interference from my mom. Small clashes happend. I either ignored them or asked my wife to bear it like me nd my sister do.

In 3 months, she got pregnant. It was an accident. When she first told me, my words were "get rid of it " she said ok. We went to the hospital, but when fetal heartbeat was detected, we decided to keep it. My wife says she never had the intention to abort and whn we were going to the hosp, she secretly prayed it shouldn't happen. Anyway, by this time, I had to go on a 2 month assignment to another city. My wife begged me not to go. My mom texted me to go. With my boss' pressure, I had to go. 2 month turned into several months and I used to visit blore every other weekend.
During this time, my mom asked my wife's mom to come and live with her in our flat. This was to make it easy for my wife to commute to work, her parents also lived far away. My sister too worked close o my wife's office but since my wife had morning sickness, my mom didn't want my sister to stay with her....my wife's brother was severely depressed at ths time and my fil was finding it very difficult to manage alone. My wife couldn't quit her job since she owned a flat and she had to manage the mortgage. My mom once told her that she has to save for the mortgage if she is planning extended maternity leave, so she was determined not to take money Frm me. She says I should have blasted my mom for tht. I didn't.....

When I was in blore for a week or two sometimes, I used to drop my wife to work sometimes, my mom didn't quite like it. She asked me not o drop her, I didn't say anything. My wife was angry....she went I office on her own most times....there were many such incidents

My wife is about 7 kg overweight....my mom wanted her to go to prenatal yoga and walking...wife was not interested, saying she is very tired working full time already....once my mom and I kind of forced her and she fell down in the park sprained her ankle. We gave up then.

Once my maama came from delhi, so my mom asked us to come to her place straight fom office. My wife was 8 months pregnant then. She wasted to go home and rest...or said, let maama and all come to our flat....I said if they can come frm so far, why can't we go? She said her back was killing her, I said "ac car, comfort, what's the prob" she came

My inlaws wanted to do my wife's baby shower in 7th month. My mon got it cancelled in the last minute saying its don't in 9 th month in our family and tht she will do it. My wife was in the end on 8 th month and my mom booked tickets to go to visit her brother next week for 20 days...no sign of baby shower. Atleast she didn't tell anyone....my wife went into premature labour....delivered after 2 days....

Then my daughter was born. I didn't give anything to my wife. My mom said what big deal? 100000000s of women give birth!

My wife was at her parents place. Thy are quite weird ppl. Nothing is done on time there....so my wife wanted to go back to our flat. I said "your parents spent time with the baby, my parent should spend too " so she went to my place. My mom helped a bit with the baby, but my wife was awake in the night with the baby....my mom used to ask wife to wake up early, shower, eat and go back to sleep.....my wife says by the time she showered etc, she lost her sleep and with baby etc, she didn't get a chance...when she wanted to sleep in the afternoon, my mom used to not allow her saying she will put on weight....my wife hated it, but since she was there, there was no choice....I was still in a different city with that assignment.....also wife cooked for once a day and mom didn't refuse... Wife was upset coz once she was very tired and told mom she can't cook and mom kind of got pissed....so wife shut up and cooked for the rest of the time...
My mom and sister never liked my wife's sense of dressing. My wife always wore not very expensive ones...my mom wanted her to wear expensive clothes / silk sarees. My wife kind of gave in for some occassions, but for occassions she wore salwar kameez, my mom bought the roof down. Once she phoned before a function and asked my mom if it was okay to wear salwar...mom said ok...but after the function was over, my mom shouted etc....my wife says she expects her to change things after the events....wife was getting quite depressed by now, I didnt notice...I didn't say a word to my mom......baby was 4months old now

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It was time to Join back work for her. My mom offered to look after the baby in our flat. It wasn't practical, she was still adamant... In 10 days he returned to her place....with the baby. We had no choice. After about another 10-15 days we arranged a full time maid. About a month after the maid joined, my mom started to ask us to live with them and travel to work fom there....so we decided to bring the maid and baby to our flat....my parents didn't like it....they started shouting at my wife. She answered back ths time. I too told my mom that wife will were what she likes and that we should just leave it. My mom got furious. Sister was furious, she called my wife names and almost pounced on her. Mom pulled her away....Called wife names and Removed her from the family. In all this, my father was a silent spectator. We went back to the flat.....my mon and sister used to visit the flat when my wife went to work and I used to take the baby to their house on weekends....

Btw, I forgot, about 90% of things/clothes my daughter had were chosen by my mom. Wife didnt quite like this. I ignored....

In a couple of months, I went abroad. Wife moved to her parents place. My parents wanted to still spend some time with my child, so I asked my wife o drop baby there 2 times a week - with maid. My mom would take the child fom my wife and send her away from the door....I didn't bother...ignored it...

Baby fell sick once and was hospitalized for over a week....during this time, I had planned a visit to an island with my friends, so I went ahead since there was nothing muh I could do from US. My parents visited the baby for 2 mins in the hospital. She managed everything with her parents and aunts help. She didn't like tht I was holidaying while the baby was so sick....what cn I do?

Wife managed to get an assignment in the same city and moved to USA. By then wife was taking counseling for her depression. When she joined me here, hell broke lose. She was hating me deeply by then....all the above incidents during her pregnancy and after, my decision to ignore her state led her to believe I ganged up with my parents to harass her....the above we're only some incidents, there were many more when I 'let her down'...it's 3 yrs since we moved here. She still periodically questions me repeatedly over my stance and gets wild....It stared affecting my peace. Last yr I stood up for wife. I spoke to my parents on the phone in front of her, and told them my stance. Wife was happy, but she still repeatedly questioned me about the past once every 1-2 months. I have no answer. All I am doing now is, completely stopping me parents interference and look after my wife. Until last year, I didnt even lift my finger. Wife used to do everything, manage house, baby, groceries, bills, laundry, ironing, cooking everything. My mom believed I shouldn't help her since dad didn't help mom....though I didn't subscribe to it, I didn't do much.....Now I am helping a bit...she still does most of the work, but I am learning to do things....

Wife is stuck in past during those periodic episodes....doctors here call it post traumatic stress disorder..she went to counselling for a while and thn stopped. She hates my mom and sis. My wife is an animal lover and has been a charity volunteer. She says she is finding hating someone poisonous to herself but is not able to forgive me or my parents. She sometimes shows the anger on our 4 yr old child and i am worried...I got my parents to apologize, my sister apologized, wife cares a damn....She says my mom hates her and so she shouldnt have anyhthing do do with my daughter " I don't want any one who hates me to have a relationship with my daughter...it will create probs in future" she says....we show my daughter to my parents over the web cam every weekend...she holds the iPad and manages the camera most times....speaks once or twice to my dad...but she never appears on the cam....she thinks my mom/ sis will criticize her weight ( she is still 10 kg overweight now), clothes etc... I don't force her

She didn't even visit my place when we went to India earlier this year - despite my parents inviting her...I didnt force her....I took the child sometimes though......She met my parents for a brief period in a temple 2 days before we were to fly back....she the came to my place next day and spoke to my father....my father is not keeping well, he is stressed abt my sisters marriage and our fights....wife assured him that she will resolve issues and even assured him tht she will take care of both my parents when thy need help no matter wht....

We cme bk in apr and last night wife kicked up a fuss again....crying, shouting at me, she even slapped me ( I hit her bak too) in anger during the argument...Wife tells me I am good to her only because my parents are not around...the moment they are seen, I will go back to my old ways....she calls me parasite and says I m using her. She calls my mom/sis names .....She will not divorce in India because her parents will be heartbroken....she is ok with divorcing here....she sometimes says she will kill herself and the child....sometimes she says she will die and I should return to my parents with the child....i once drank something nasty to in anger to kill myself....we got to the hosp, but luckily dosage was too less for anything bad.....just to prove to her that i too cn do it.....


she gets trigger points when she sees others loving husbands.....she compares with others....once I told her she was fat and she told me I don't make enough money.....though she never said that again, I can't forget it....

I didn't speak to my parents for 2 weeks over a small incident....just to prove to my wife that I am standing for her....but I sent them my daughters photos once by email ....wife says whole point is lost, since tht dilutes the purpose and also I told my mom I was busy....we share passwords...I once wrote a personal email to my parents (abt her) and deleted it from sent items....when my mom spoke about it, wife got furious....what's wrong? There was nothing bad about her in it.

I apologized many times. She also says sometimes that my mom and I are intelligently planning to kill her by provoking her to kill herself....

With all this, I am still on hi-bye terms with her parents. She doesn't tell them anything....she says she wants to shield them from tensions....

Now, I realized my mistakes and I m making amendments, why can't she just be normal and enjoy life? what else can I do? She is making my life miserable here....also making the child's life miserable....