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Marriage Lessons Learnt In Real Life

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by iyerviji, Mar 20, 2019.

  1. iyerviji

    iyerviji IL Hall of Fame

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    Being happily married is not easy. It needs a lot of patience and a lot of adjustment. When a woman marries she is not only married to a man but also to the family. Its the union of two families and it is in the hands of the woman to make the marriage successful.

    I was married at a time when parents used to believe that woman should adjust to the family they are married and once married they did not want their daughter to come back to their house. They are told whatever it is they should adjust and be a role model in the house. Since each family is different and we are brought up in a different manner in our house, it takes time to adjust and once we adjust then no problem to lead a happy life. First we have to know each one’s nature and be with them accordingly.

    Some come from a well to do family and if they are married to a family where they have to be economical it becomes difficult for them. Its necessary for them to adjust with them and be economical because of this they have differences. So better think before getting married to such a family so that they don’t have regrets later.

    As I was taught from childhood to adjust I did not find difficulty in doing that and was liked by everyone in my in law’s family. My sisters in law were very loving and give me respect We used to have some differences but that was only for a short time . For any functions everyone used to work like a team and outsiders always used to say your family is a Role Model to everyone. Our neighbors used to envy seeing all of us so happy. Whatever differences or fights are there in a family we should keep it among the four walls because one day there will be fight and the next day it will become alright. When there is any argument between the spouse they should not have it in front of the children because it might affect them.

    We should never go for looks because they are deceptive. We should always go for a person who has a good heart and makes us smile to make a dark day seem bright. The moments we spent with our special people have to be treasured. Most women are very fond of their sons and when the son gets married they feel insecure. So instead of worrying about that we should be happy that someone is

    there to worry about our husband and should not go in between them as the mother has the first right, then only the wife . Later the same wife becomes the mother and she will understand. Some sons like their mother’s cooking very much and if the wife is not so good in cooking they praise their mother’s cooking. Instead of worrying about that it is better to learn to cook well and one day mil will definitely appreciate her dil .

    7 Important things to have and give in your marriage:

    1 LOVE : The special feeling that makes you feel all warm and wonderful.

    2 RESPECT : Treating your spouse as you would like to be treated.

    3 APPRECIATION : To be grateful for all the good things your spouse does for you.

    4 HAPPINESS : The full enjoyment of each moment spent together with a smiling face.

    5 FORGIVENESS: The ability to let things be without anger.

    6 SHARING : The joy of giving without thoughts of receiving.

    7 HONESTY : The quality of always telling the truth
     
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  2. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    @iyerviji,

    This is the lesson our parents have been giving us since times immemorial. One rule I had heard while growing up was- give the daughter to a house richer than yours and bring a daughter-in-law from a house poorer than yours! The reason was clearly to help the bride adjust easily. I feel, dear Vijima, premarital counselling should be made compulsory for the bride, groom and their parents and everyone must consciously reduce expectations and the entitlement mentality.
     
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  3. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Truly wise words from a senior to the younger lot. However, it is not always easy to follow all the above, which i feel comes more with having gone through all the ups and downs of married life. Especially these days when all the needs or even wants are more than taken care of in the parental homes, there is bound to have comparisons of life at home and that in the marital family, which is the main reason for a lot of present Aday conflicts and issues as seen in the relationship columns. All in all, a lot of maturity before entering into married life is an absolute necessity.
     
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  4. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    We (parents) have recognized that the times have moved on to a new reality for both boys and girls. We are now raising sons to contribute equally to his own happiness as his wife would be expected to. In other words, "adjust" when the happiness-strategy requires that. And our daughters do not compete when their husbands are seen as adjusting types, and try NOT to out-adjust them. [Shades of this notion runs through the recent love-story fictional snippets of @Novalis]
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2019
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  5. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    @iyerviji
    My marriage failed, however, I learned my lessons. We need a lot of patience, respect and empathy for each other to keep moving forward hand in hand.
     
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  6. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    @iyerviji , your posts are always valuable guidance for us youngsters.
     
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  7. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Very nice write up Viji Aunty :)
    One more important point I would like to add to above is SACRIFICE.

    BTW I was just wondering no write up from you for a while now and happy to see this new thread :)
     
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  8. Afresh

    Afresh Gold IL'ite

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    @iyerviji Viji Ma,
    Again another write up , which says simplicity lies at the heart of all friction free relationships :). Its so real and relatable for most people.
    Ditto @Anusha2917 , i was also wondering where Vijima is :grinning:
     
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  9. girvani

    girvani Finest Post Winner

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    Dearest Viji ma,

    It is a beautiful post in which your love flows towards us. It is so true and I so respect your guidelines and experiences.

    Vani
     
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  10. jayasala42

    jayasala42 Finest Post Winner

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    A very nice post, as always, Viji.The post shines with the essence of experiences of a septuagenarian elaborated beautifully.I admire your patience and eloquence .

    But many of the things that were considered very great those days, do not appeal to present generation.
    Why to adjust?-is the question that is uppermost .Under these circumstances girls, who are financially independent, don't want to be a burden to parents, come out and start a family of their own.Mostly girls' parents start supporting daughters,
    'Marriage aayiram kaalaththu payir'( a perennial plant kingdom) has become a farce and we see that it is shaken within months.

    We have so many moral revealing texts in our country.With all these things we find aberrations of all types.Why? Many of the moral teachings just fly off in air. There are so many clashes-during dating, after betrothel, soon after marriage and the crisis continues even after kids are born.

    Our scriptures and puranas reveal so many morals. There is
    Neethi shatakam, vairagya shatakam and so many works and commentaries by Adi Shankara and other Acharyas.We have Bhagavatgita,the life essence stated to have been narrated by Lord Krishna.We have Quran , Bible and Thirukkural and many more pieces .Now the communication science has developed so much and we have Google Guru at every home to guide us.We receive so many moral stories, valuable Quotes daily in our mail box.
    If all these things have reached people in the proper perspective,by now there would have been no thefts, no corruption, no raping, no cheating.,no quarrels, no lack of peace at home.Is it the reality?

    We need not think that people who wrote morals in those days,thought that they will be listened to and followed by one and all. Never.

    The answer to this question is given by Bhartrihari himself
    संतप्तायसि संस्थितस्य पयसो नामापि न श्रूयते

    मुक्ताकारतया तदेव नलिनीपत्रस्थितं राजते ।

    मध्ये सागरशुक्तिमध्यपतितं तन्मौक्तिकं जायते

    प्रायेणाधम मध्यमोत्तमगुनाः संसर्गतो देहिनाम्
    If water falls on a hot pan, instantly it gets burnt;When water falls on a lotus leaf,the lotus becomes more beautiful with the dancing of a dew drop of water,but with a little breeze water disppears.But if the same water falls on an oyster,it takes that one drop and converts it into a pearl.
    The qualities one acquires depend on the quality of the person with whom one associates. The same analogy can be applied to the moral lessons and quotes that are dinned into our ears day in and day out.

    For some people ,listening to the teachings is like water falling on a dosa pan.As you listen it disappears.If you are filled with anger,jealousy, hatred,and distress your mind is like a dosa pan and teachings of Gita or any other valuable lesson,which is really like beautiful water drop, falls and disappears instantly.

    A little more evolved person is like lotus. He shines for some time.The moment he goes home
    from the lecture hall or deviates his mind from moral lessons,he is totally disturbed by surroundings and the lesson flies away in air.

    But if you are like an oyster,retain the water( morals) and absorb,the water itself gets converted into pearl.At that time moral and the person are not two different entities and they become one and the same.
    No doubt, this is also a moral lesson.
    We can choose to be a dosa pan, lotus or an oyster.
    Let the morals and quotes continue and we may expect a few oysters.Vivekananda rightly asked for only hundred people among 30 crores of Indians who ,he thought could transform the entire nation.
    I am reminded of a joke in those days.Schools had thatched roofings. A master
    was teaching.A student was staring at the roof.The master asked the boy" Did anything enter?'( he meant whether anything entered his head.
    Pat came the reply" everything entered , but not the tail". he was referring to the rat which was struggling to enter the roof, but its tail never entered the roof"
    This is the position of many of the listeners and readers.
    Preachings are too many.Listeners and followers are too few.
    Can we hope to a have few hundred oysters at least, who can transform the society at least to some extent?

    Jayasala 42
     

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