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Marriage Is Failing...help!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pinky2cute, Feb 14, 2017.

  1. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    It isnt unconditional love or support and that is why he is not seeing it. :blush:
    Ur feelings are very closely tied to him putting his parents in place and not being a mommas boy as u nicely put it.
    There are strings attached.....and there should be..I do not believe in such fancy terms or myths like unconditional love at all. It helps however to know exactly where u both stand before taking a decision that could impact ur married life.
     
    SGBV likes this.
  2. shifas

    shifas Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear OP
    Huggs to you. I really really want to come there near you and hug you. By reading all your posts i respect you and i feel really sad for whatever happened. You husbands character is just similar to my husband. Its been six years still he is like that. And do you know what i did. I was begging and pleading and thinking full time about how to win his love. I didnt go outside i closed my doors i was inside always. I am a post graduate and still didnt even try for job as i was behind him pleading for love. And what i got was unforgetable pain and worries and a child who came to my life in between these emotional dramas. Now i have no job i am depressed i dont even feel i am a good mothrr to my child.
    You are a doctor and doing further studies
    So please concentrate on those. you are going through a very hard phase of life. You still love him so try the best you can to sink with him.
     
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  3. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    @shifas hugs to you too.
    I will never beg or plead his love. I love him but if he can't see my love , its his loss not mine.
    I will definitely continue my studies and be independent. The marriage is in his hands now. Whether he wants to mend his ways to reach me or lose me.
    I'm prepared for both.
     
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  4. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    It depends on person to person. I believe in unconditional love. Whomever is close my heart will know what "unconditional love" they receive from me.
    I will take upon any amount of pain to see one genuine smile of happiness on my loved ones face.
    Infact due to my unconditional love for my husband, I was silent till now...not wanting to end this marriage or get away from him. But when all you get in return is pain, tears and heartbreak.... you don't have any unconditional love to give.

    Whether that term is in your dictionary of life or not, it is there very much in mine.
     
    lukywife likes this.
  5. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    You are quite modern in your outlook , no dowry , no gifts after marriage , can threaten to file police case etc

    Be a little bit modern and be financially independent , why worry about much he spends on his parents etc .. You have had your own income and use it for yourself instead of being financially dependent on him.

    The same thing should apply to you should you choose to support you parents and you should not face questions of how much and why .
     
  6. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    @armummy if you didnt go through all my posts and comments, I have nothing to say to you. In almost every post I have clearly stated I never bothered how much he spends on his parents. What bothered me is how he gives an account of every single rupee spent on me to his parents.
    I will obviously earn in future and be financially independent. But after marriage I believe everything should be shared with spouse. I'm willing to share my every finance detail with my husband in future when I start earning.

    And even if I am not earning (like now when I'm studying or later when I have a baby, he will be earning) it doesnt mean its only his money. We are husband and wife not some business partners or friends or live in partners to keep saying "your money" "my money", etc!

    And actually people like you who keep saying bout being financially dependent on husband or questioning husband on his finances is wrong, I wonder if you all would still say the same had you been a housewife and were financially dependent on your husband?

    No offence but people like you would probably look down at housewives for not earning though they maybe capable of.

    Anyways, there maybe hundreds of reasons why wife is financially dependent on husband. Even husband is dependent on wife for having three meals a day and taking care of household chores.

    How come none of you women advice the men to be more modern and be "independent" to cook,clean and maintain home and maintain relations with wife's family also take care of kids and his work too?

    Why expect just the wife to be financially independent yet serve the husband and inlaws and be termed as traditional if she is financially depending on him.

    In India, still the marriage expenses are largely borne by the girl's families whether dowry is given or not.
    So why not tell the guy to split the expenses of marriage if he is expected to not share the finances with wife?

    Don't make marriage a business by keeping an account of "your money" ..."my money" etc.
    Husband and wife live with each other till the end.
    Parents will not stay with us for long... kids will have their own lives once they are adults.
    Why make such a fuss about finances between husband and wife?


    Who earns how much is not important if the husband and wife believes they are same team. They are sharing souls and life not just bodies!


    Ps No intention to offend you in anyway.
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2017
  7. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Husbands want to project love to wife's and at the same time be parents kids. Telling my money, your money has deeper roots.If we wife's do it , its being selfish. But if husbands do it its being responsible with spendthrift,immature wife's.

    First of all if I were in OP's place, I wud test husband's apology and then make decisions.This is a stage when you can lay down the foundation for a healthy marriage rather than being in a biased marriage. I was in an abusive marriage before. But after an incident, we laid a foundation for our marriage.It does get shaky at times but basic mutual rights are maintained.

    Guage your husband,spend a few weeks in b/n with him and see how he is managing relationships with you and in laws.Is he really upto his words. If he is continuing with same behavior, then think what to do next. Good Luck.
     
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  8. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    I talked about being financial independence and think being modern in that aspect, that is also a change and I believe a positive change like no dowry .

    We cannot expect modern thinking only when it suits us , it should be overall.

    Financial independence is something every woman should have and that is what she and her parents should be thinking instead if thinking only marriage. I think it is important for a man or a woman to be financially independent .

    You had guts to say no
    to gifts after marraige , what stopped you to say no to marriage expenses or marraige too at that time instead of spending then and now asking questions.

    Money is important otherwise you would not have recounted how much he spent on you and how he is not sharing financial information and not including you in decisions with regards to finances.

    I have no problem in advising men to take share in housework or advising women to use their finances to lessen the load .

    I also tell women to have control in their money not surrender to god like husband and I believe a woman does not get automatic rights and say on mans money just because she married him
    .if you want to give an account of every penny you spend to your husband it is your choice but
    If you don't want to give account of every penny that should also be fine.

    It will take time to combine finances.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2017
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  9. samsWait

    samsWait Silver IL'ite

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    I feel you are expecting a lot from your husband without even being together. Slow down and take one step at a time
     
  10. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Hmmm could see so many bad future mils rising....
     

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