Marriage and Emotional Needs - A Reverse Example

varalotti · Oct 3, 2006

No one sneers here, Chitra!

Thanks for the loud thinking. In fact your thoughts were so loud that they solved a dilemma for me. I had picked up an incident to be posted for this Wednesdays thread. But was a little hesitant. Your post cleared all the doubts. You will realise the significance of this statement when you read the next thread in this forum.

And you can voice your views without fear of a sneer. Nobody sneers around here. This is not merely a free forum but also one of love, affection and dignity. Otherwise so many accomplished women would not be sitting here listening to the sole male member talking on emotional needs and sexual needs.

The main question, the million dollar question, before us, if a woman's emotional (or sexual) needs are frustrated, what are the options available to her?
Contrary to what many may think, honestly there aren't many. I would love to substantiate my point here. But then I would be encroaching upon the subject matter of the next thread in this forum, which is due for release in a few hours of time from now.

sridhar

bipasu_1950 · Oct 3, 2006

Marriage and Emotional needs

:clap hello,mami,
I fully agree with your views and the greatest support for a woman in her married life is the emotional consoling by her husband,not only thru his words,but also,his loving hugs and kisses.this support will give her a medicinal effect also.Even though many people are rerluctant to expose this matter publicly,the truth is that a successful married life is built upon a healthy sexual relationship also.the basis lies upon this fact.
thank you,
Bipasu:wave

varalotti · Oct 3, 2006

Sexual Frustration Thread Is Out!

Most Gracious ILites,
Some of you wrote to me asking me to post only the happy examples. Some even complained that my threads have become rather heavy.
But dears, I am not writing, Mills and Boon type of romance. Here in this thread we are dealing with life, in its rawest form. It is from these troubling, pathetic examples can we pick up a lesson or two.
It is only with this idea in mind that I have posted Radhika's story. The name, it is needless to say, is not real. But the person and her sufferings are quite real.
Let me have your views,
Varalotti

purnima_2k · Oct 4, 2006

Mrs CV, you are a revelutionary woman!

I admire your answer to no ends! you are bold, pratical and truthful. I agree with each and every word of yours!

Purni

Preethi · Oct 5, 2006

A Loud Thought !

Mr. Varalotti,

This is the first time, (In fact I must say second time, after writing down my thoughts in length, when I submitted my reply, due to some technical problem, I lost all my reply. ) I am writing a reply to one of your work...Before I proceed, I really appreciate your efforts to bring out such sensitive topics into this forum with unbiased opinion for discussion. Definitely, most of your post brings in some of sort of awareness about the life in its truest form.

Well, this is just a loud thinking, hope my views don't offend you. My mind's thought is not meant to hurt anyone in this forum, am just sharing my view about Sushma and such related plight in general.

It's sad that sushma now is unable to settle in life like other ladies of her age, but I feel she is purely responsible for her own plight and I don't have my whole-hearted sympathy to her.

Firstly Mr. Varalotti, Looking at how focused and career oriented a person she is, I don't think Sushma is not the one who does not realise the implications of a late marriage, particularly when she is living in a soceity which still dwells on so much of conservatism and superstitions and doesn't have a broad outlook towards any revolutionary/reformative activities from any sect of soceity , particularly when it comes from a lady. Sushma chose her own fate. Sushma clearly held her career as her priority more than marriage earlier in her life and as years passed, she seemed to be contradicting her own preferences and choices. If I am to look at it from outside, I can draw only these conclusions.

1. Somewhere she stopped enjoying her profession thoroughly.......... what seemed to give her more happiness in her early stages of life, so much so that she rejected marriage, seemed to start disappointing her at her later stage of life. If Sushma has not found her job too tiring or monotonous and if she was to face with more and more new challenges that were capable of diverting her from her basic responsibilities of life (like marriage,children etc), Would the thought of marriage occured to her now , I wonder ???

2. So long she seemed to be contempt and happy with the love and affection of her parents, maybe its their age factor and their ailments, and her constant attention to their physical needs, must have struck a monotony in her life, that she started looking for a change from outside...(am not saying she is selfish, for a want of better word, let me say she started to feel Insecured and lonely, now that her parents could not support her like how they did during her young age)!!

3. Sushma cannot be so choosy or feel bad for not getting the right alliance at the age of 35 or 40, she too has some drawbacks on her side. Though she is an eligible spinster, she is not considered a 'girl' any more to have an expectation of any marriageable girl, in choosing an apt partner (or should I say, an eligible bachelor ??). Sure, when young sushma would not have accepted man's second choice/old age in her married life, now that she is getting old, she cannot expect man's first choice/young age in her married life. Fate demands her to be less demanding now due to her growing age factor.

Marriage in my opinion, is more for a life-long companionship and emotional support between man and women, more than the physical and financial needs. The need/value for/of the life-partner emotional support is required more, when one enters their old age. Generally, those who opposed marriage at young age, start exhibiting their first sign of regret around 40 or so, this is because that is the time, they start to feel, they have had enough of running around in life, chasing after any sort of materialistic gains and take a look at their past. It's their first break from their speeding life. Only then they realise what they seemed to have missed in life. This is typically what has happened in Sushma's case. In most cases, men face bachelorhood much easier than a women, this is because by nature 'women' is not a loner.

Sushma had a social/family responsibility of getting into married life on one hand, the career responsbility of pursuing her interest on the other hand. She should have struck a balance between the both at the right time. If she had done that, she could have made her life much more happier and needn't have to go through this worst phase !

God has given every human a cycle of phases in their life (good and bad), each phase meant for a specific purpose and to perform certain duties. When we violate ourselves from the "Normal Phase" of life, we have to prepare ourselves for its repercussions.

Last but not the least, Sushma and any girl facing such similar plights, should learn to take life as it comes without much of regrets, afterall, all the incidents happening in sushma's life is an outcome of her own decision, whether for good or bad. Because today we are not happy , it doesn't mean tomorrow will remain the same. Who knows, miracles/changes do happen in life anytime. What if Sushma finds a perfect good match for her in the future??? , what if it dawns on Sushma she is much happier now than what she would be after marriage, that she stops finding a match for her ???, life with all its uncertainities, plays tricks on human's mind and heart. The only way to keep ourselves going is to believe "All Well Ends Well"....Maybe this is not a end to sushma's life, but another beginning....

"Think Twice and Act Wise" should be the motto for anyone before taking any major decisions in life !

May God bestow peace and happiness to Sushma and all such girls !

Thanks !

Regards,
Preethi

varalotti · Oct 6, 2006

Ms. Preethi,

Never have I got such an elaborate reply to my post. I feel honoured. Thank you, Ma'am.

There is no question of my being offended by any post, especially yours - because you write so well and use such soft words and you bear my daughter's name. To let you out a secret my daughter would have been even more vehement when she opposes me.

Preethi, you have analsyed Sushma's life point by point, blow by blow. With my exposure to the field of computers I can tell that you should be a brilliant programmer. The loops, the if and endifs, the do whiles and end dos are perfectly in place.

But unfortunately human life, especially a woman's life does not lend itself to be so easily programmed, planned or analysed. If that could be done then Saturday Posts and Wednesday posts in this forum would be handled by Certified Microsoft Engineers and not half-baked writers like me.

The crux of Sushma's problem lies in the fact that she originally thought that marriage was not necessary for a happy life. She had her career (and still has it). In fact one of my rich relatives went to her for a Reiki Consultation and she charged Rs. 40000 for it. To earn that type of money I have to do the tax-audit of a Rs.50 crore company loading me with lot of professional responsibilities.

But no human being will remain the same as she grows in age. As she grew older she might have started to feel the emptiness of her life. She might have longed for a romantic company where she could just sit by his side and watch the sea or the moon. Or she might have needed someone to hold her hand while she is in pain, physical or mental. Or as you point out as her parents age and she has a lot of other work to attend to, she might have got bored doing all the work alone and might have wanted company.
And believe me, Preethi, Sushma is a real-life character in flesh and blood and not just a fiction of my imagination.

As your emboldened fonts proclaim, Sushma chose her own fate. And her problem is she could not live with her choice. How many times do we regret the choices we have made in life? Even in the matter of selection of dresses how many times do we opt for an exchange or return, so much so, now every invoice has a bold print, "Goods once sold cannot be exchanged or returned."

I know a person who headed a prestigious Mutt. He had taken sanyas and was a pure sanyasin. But when he was 40 he felt the need for a woman in his life. He thought for a week. Then one fine morning he relinquished his sanyas and married a girl. Everybody made fun of him. But I admire his integrity. When he was a sanyasin I did not have the urge to meet him. But after this development I have this sudden urge not only to meet him but also fall at his feet. Honesty in whatever form should be worshipped.

My point is that Sushma is suffering now. I have never hinted that she is flawless. In fact she is suffering precisely because she is to be blamed for deferring, delaying her decision to marry.

It is a question of choice. As one ages the choices of marital-partners gets reduced. But unfortunately the dreams remain the same. And that is Sushma's problem. As one of our older relatives commented, she is still looking for the ideal "Rajakumaran" who on a moon-lit night would come in a white steed to carry her away to distant lands.

Whether she stopped enjoying her profession thoroughly at some point is a crucial argument. But whether or not she enjoyed her profession she had this longing for companionship. May be because of this longing she might have suffered in her profession. It does happen. I have spent donkey's years in my profession of tax, accounting and computers. I am known to have solved the trickiest problems. But when I have a small fight with my wife I find discharing of my professional obligations very difficult.
You may call me selfish; but when I have a very important income tax hearing or a complex ERP assignment and I had fought with my wife that morning, I shed all my male ego and call her up to ask for her forgiveness. Only after that I can concentrate on the work before me.
So my presumption is it was because of her longing for the right company that her interest in profession waned; whereas you argue, that it is because she lost interest in her work, that she started to long for company.
I would say having the right companion is as basic a need as food and shelter. Profession comes only after that.
Agreed that Sushma cannot be and should not be so choosy at her age. But that is something she finds very difficult to shed. And that is the cause of her grief.
Sushma is a complex person and I don't feel like advising her to accept whatever groom comes her way.
One thing she is fond of telling repeatedly in the matter of selecting her spouse is, "I do not want to jump from frying pan into the fire." I think she has a point.

And Preethi I love your following words which is a fitting finale to my post:

Marriage in my opinion, is more for a life-long companionship and emotional support between man and women, more than the physical and financial needs. The need/value for/of the life-partner emotional support is required more, when one enters their old age. Generally, those who opposed marriage at young age, start exhibiting their first sign of regret around 40 or so, this is because that is the time, they start to feel, they have had enough of running around in life, chasing after any sort of materialistic gains and take a look at their past. It's their first break from their speeding life. Only then they realise what they seemed to have missed in life. This is typically what has happened in Sushma's case. In most cases, men face bachelorhood much easier than a women, this is because by nature 'women' is not a loner.

And finally, Preethi, one great thing I noticed in your long post is that when you started you were very hard and you said,

I don't have my whole-hearted sympathy to her.
but as you wrote on thinking about Sushma, about her life and about her self-inflicted loneliness, you sort of mellowed down and ended your post with a wonderful prayer,

May God bestow peace and happiness to Sushma and all such girls !

And it is this sentence that shows you as a writer. Thanks a lot, Preethi. May God bless you.
regards,
Varalotti

Preethi · Oct 9, 2006

Thanks !

Dear Varalotti,

Thanks for your response. First let me admit that, compared to the knowledge and exposure what you have, mine is peanuts!! so, I feel honoured that I could bring myself to write to a person like you and in return have got a reply, which once again has shown to me, that you are more approachable than expected. After seeing your reply, I have shed whatever inhibitions I had about sharing my thoughts with you.

Well, My outburst was just what I felt about Sushma and her life, looking at it from outside. Believe me, It was not meant to oppose you or what your wrote...

When I wrote my reply to you, I did realise Sushma is very much a living person and took that extra caution to speak my mind and ensured not to write things (nice expressions and wordings) which I didn't mean whole-heartedly. If Sushma has been someone from inside my family too, I would have felt the same way about her. To most of whom who read my post, I might have given an impression I am ruthless and Insensitive. Well, that's not the truth. I do feel sorry for girls like Sushma, but at the same time, I am a very pratical person ....My conclusions/decisions/ascertions are more 'Practical-bound' than 'Emotional-bound'..

Varalotti, Let me tell you, Even I do lots of mistakes and have taken wrong decisions in the past..Whenever I make a mistake, I don't regret too much about it, rather I learn the lesson from that mistake and ensure that doesn't get repeated again . My Philosophy about life is this - Things once happened is happened..we don't have the power to go and rewrite our own past ! Then why to worry about things that cannot be reversed in life? it's better to keep going and take the learning and our life as it comes. It's probably my outlook or my ideology that inadvertently got reflected in my feelings for Sushma and her life and that's what I felt Sushma should be ideally doing now, after reading her life story....! Sushma has learned in a very hard way what is right and wrong for her, this too I feel is for her good only !

Sushma is still a very nice person, well-educated and well exposed. Her learning from the past, surely would have made her more matured and am sure any decisions that she is going to make, would be well-thought and executed in the future. So, When sushma finds her Ideal MAN in her life, do let us know. We all would definitely be happy to know she has finally settled in life. Every one in this world, deserves to be happy and peaceful, Sushma is no exception. Hope to see her happy soon !

Mr. Varalotti, keep your post coming in....your writings really awakens my sleeping mind about certain issues happening in the soceity.

Take Care !

Regards,
Preethi

MeenLoch · Apr 17, 2007

Just to add to the ongoing discussion

Most of us on those moments of bliss we feel in our married lives tend to muse on the nice things we can do or did as a couple…..here is a list of some such endearing and shared moments.

So that you have someone to cuddle and watch the late news on TV with, however gruesome, cruel and disgusting be the happenings in the world.

So that you have someone to soap the unreachable areas of your back when you bathe.

So that you can ask someone to switch off the light when you are already tucked comfortably in bed, with your toes all warm.

So that you can share budget woes and income woes – and then go out together to splurge on a new music system.

So that your parents can tell someone all about how you were as a little kid every Diwali, or Christmas, or New Year's.

So that you discover how like you another human being can be, and how completely different.

So that you can tumble into bed, stone tired, unworried about the morning, because someone is there to share it with you.

So that you can come home to a wonderful surprise, present, or thoughtful gesture, or you can create the perfect surprise, present or thoughtful gesture for another.

So that you can look in wonder at the tiny, perfect human being you have both together brought into the world.

So that you can fight and forgive, and forget and sleep, only to do it all over again, with your love getting stronger all the time.

These exist as theories to me now, convincing enuf though. I am yet to join the league, I soon will be

shilpavenkat · Aug 13, 2007

varalotti said: ↑

Most Gracious ILites,
Thanks once again for the wonderful reponses, for the loving support and the enthusiastic participation in all my threads – whether it is classical poetry or a mundane marital problem. All these emotional needs threads are heavy; they are bound to be so. One cannot give a humorous lecture on cancer. Some ILites have expressed concern why should these things be discussed at all. They fear that these may give some ideas, wrong ideas, to someone. And to those, I tell with affection, Mesdames (plural of Madam) you are putting the cart before the horse. It is because somebody got those wrong and funny ideas that people like me write about them. It is not the other way round.
Anyhow the thread needs to be balanced. I do not want young women reading this thread decide not to marry at all, for it has all these problems. So let us take a real-life reverse example this time. But, Mesdames, once again don’t expect a happy reading. Happy reading is only on Saturdays. (And many of you have not read last Saturday’s IF poem yet.). But I promise you this will not be as sad or as stupid as some of the overrated serials you see on the idiot box. Here we go.

Marriage and Emotional Needs - A Reverse Example

Sushma was a happy go lucky girl, the only daughter born to rich parents. The silver spoon she was born with was diamond-studded. She grew up into a very beautiful young lady.
She had many suitors but she declined them all. Her father and mother lined up the best boys in the market. Sushma just said a happy no. “Marriage, me, and at this age. No way.” When she made this emphatic statement she was hardly 23.

After her graduation she took interest in alternative healing. Reiki, Pranic Healing and the like. She was a perfect natural in that field, a very rare phenomenon. After learning Reiki, she attempted a Reiki healing on one of her friends who had an incurable stomach ache. Her friend was cured.

People swarmed to her. She spent her time teaching people, praying for others, meditating, learning more and more about para-psychological sciences. Her parents gently reminded of her marriage every now and then.
“Marriage, now, after all these…” she pointed at the large group of students waiting for classes to begin.

Sushma was thirty now. She was still beautiful. Her parents became old and bedridden.
She continued with the same vigour for another five years. But then she slackened. She was simply tired, fatigued, meeting people day in and day out. She had a burnt-out feeling.

Now she had lot of irritating chores to do. Taking her parents to hospital by turns. And attending to all the chores which her father was taking care of till then.

It was then she badly needed a male companion. Somebody she could hold on to, when she felt let down and burnt out. Somebody she could hold hands while sitting alone in the terrace in a starless night. Somebody who could shout at her, “enough Sushma. Now go and take rest.” Somebody who would ask her in the evening “How was your day, honey?”

First she could muster enough courage to tell her need to her father. But when the need became very severe she shed all her inhibitions and told him that she was now ready to get married.

Her father though bedridden summoned all his contacts and entrusted them the assignment of finding a suitable match for Sushma.

But now Sushma was 35. She was good looking for her age. But in the marriage market age is a predominant factor. Of course some interested boys came to see her. But they were all either balding widowers or doubtful divorcees or young men who wanted to settle down in life with Sushma’s wealth.
Now she is 40. She has not lost hope. But I now feel she has missed the bus.
When her mind got diverted to all these worries it lost the freshness and purity essential for arts like Reiki. The attendance to her classes has thinned down. She is clearly frustrated and it shows in her every moment. She is quite irritable and has lost all her charm.

To paraphrase the words of a philosopher (who said, “This word may be the worst place, agreed. But do we have a choice?”) Marriage has all its problems, but do we have a better alternative?

Varalotti
Click to expand...

hi,
this is shilpa. i read the story of urs it's been very interesting. i am new to this site. yes in this world a women should get married at the age b/w 20-30 if not many people may get doubts about the women. i am a married person. after marriage we may have family or the other problems but at that time we will have a person who can share all our probs and help in every aspect may some persons have probs with their spouse but that may lead to a good or bad expeirience. not getting married may lead so many problema after becoming older. I don't know whether i am correct or not but in my view marriage life is also very nice. Please madam keep in touch with me. if there is any graamer mistakes please forgive me.
thankyou
Have a good day

varalotti · Aug 14, 2007

Dear Shilpa,
There are no grammar mistakes in your post, for sure. Or, I am not that competent to locate such mistakes. So don't worry.
But there is another mistake(?) in your post. For I am not a "madam". I am sridhar and varalotti is my pen name.
You have given a very balanced view of life.
For a change why don't you read my serial SHE which described about a woman's search for her identity. I have posted 16 episodes so far. Just read the first one and tell me whether you like it or not. Here's the link.
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/saturdays-with-varalotti/7118-she-episode-1-a.html
You too have a great day.
regards,