Manipulative MIL

dora123 · Dec 22, 2011

I'm reading this site regularly to try to see if anyone has my similar situation and absorb the guidance from respected fellow ilites. But today i wanted very badly suggestions for me so coming to my problem. I'm married for 7 years now. Very dominating and cunning MIL. No support of husband as he is a big mamma boy. If his mother says sun rises inwest so is his statement and will accuse whomever says sun rises in east. This is him. Have other issues but i want to focus on my first major pb. MY MIL. My FIL is a very sweet person who passed away after 2 years of my married life. One instance to say about my MIL's nature. My FIL had a very advanced stage of cancer and even that time when he was undertaking radiotherapy treatment. Even at that time when my FIL pleads for a easy digestible food, my MIL will not make and give. Her reply would be you are depending on me now. So just agree to whatever i say. This is my MIL. But even for this act of her, all her children would invariably support her. :drowning My MIL was here with us abroad for almost 9 months and ever since she left all my husband does is to find fault with me and criticize me. I work full time, take care of my little baby at nights and after i return from work, do the household chores but still he criticizes me and my family :rant. I have to leave to India shortly and will be forced to stay at my in-laws place and i am really scared to face her and my SILs with my unsupportive husband. I am just venting out my thoughts. My parents know about his family well now since they got a chance of staying with us when my MIL was here for about 2months. Prior to their stay i didnt tell them anything about my husband nor in-laws. They are already heartbroken that they havent selected a good family for me. I dont want to hurt my family more since my husband's behavior is very disturbing for me now. Really feeling very scared and confused. I would like to have your suggestions on my issue of this. One thing my family doesnt know is that my husband speaking ill of my parents.

dora123 · Dec 22, 2011

No replies
Friends please suggest something. Also i would like to know how to make my relationship with my husband better.

JGVR · Dec 22, 2011

You got to be strong with your H.If he critizes you or your family you clearly and firmly tell him that you really do not relish such talks.when you go back to India just try to remain calm.just ignore your MIL and think that this is only for a short span of time.

RJMK · Dec 22, 2011

Almost 70 % of H behane like this..You cannot blame in-laws all the time.It is H also who is wrong.If once they stand up and speak for us,no body can raise a finger but they do the reverse..Well this may help us in raising our own kids in a better way and give us pointer to be a good MIL.

As far as India trip is concerned...IGNORE..Ignorance is a bliss..No complaints to anyone..Neither to parents or H...
Its your problem and you can solve it..Tell your parents that didnt do anything wrong by getting you married to this family..Almost all the marriages are like this nowadays.

Family is not ready to underastand that if hey dont let their son be,they are spoiling their son's life.But tell me who has the patience to make them understand all this.

dora123 · Dec 22, 2011

Thanks JGVR, RJMK

I will try to remain patient during my India trip. My most fearful worry is that my husband may directly speak something bad to my parents. Since my parents are not aware that my husband speaks ill of them, they may feel very bad. I'm really worried as of how to handle the situation. Already my husband and MIL is saying that they will not allow my kid to be at my parents place and if i want i can go and visit them. But since we are going from abroad, i would want my husband to visit them as a matter of courtesy.

Reg, talks with my husband, he either doesnt open the mouth and walks out from the place or shouts to shut my mouth up.

JGVR · Dec 27, 2011

neither your H nor your MIL can ask you not to take your child to parents place.tell them clearly that you will take the child to be with his/her grand parents no matter what.ask your H to accompany you to your parents house.

Viswamitra · Dec 28, 2011

I have said this in another thread. In the circle of influence, the spouse is # 1, the children $# 2 and the extended family # 3. If your husband does not understand it, you got to tell him that or make him understand through counseling. Your relationship with your husband is important but not at the cost of your own healthy mind. In any relationship, there has to be given and take from both parties. He can't expect you to be nice to his mother, if he is mean to your family. It is my humble suggestion not to involve your parents in it. You need to have one on one conversation with your husband and tell him, the life is different after marriage. Tell him everything about how nice his dad was with his mother. It will give him knowledge as to how nice he needs to be with you. Make him understand that the rest of his life is with you and your baby. Tell him that you are doing everything to make him happy in this life. That will leave a question in his mind whether he is reciprocating the same or not.

SonalRPrasad · Jan 30, 2012

I also have the same problem.. tried explaining all the above things said by you to he is not understanding it at all....

nightingale786 · Jan 31, 2012

Hi,

Do not feel bad about your husband's behaviour. Accept the fact that he is like that. Try to tell him or convince about things. If he is not ready to change, you better change your attitude. Don't be emotional and be practical with whatever you do. Ignore his comments about your parents as if there is some mad person is talking to you. I know it's not easy but you will have to. Warn your parents ahead that not to expect anything from son-in-law. ARe you on a dependent visa ? Why are you getting so scared about things ?you can still come back,work and take care of your kid here.so, Take your kid and go to your house and stay there for some days. Your parents have right to stay with their grand kids. And more over, you have more rights on your kid than your mil or your husband. I suggest you just one thing. Do not talk much but implement everything in action. May god give you more strength and patience. Good luck.

lochu · Jan 31, 2012

Deer Dora123

Please be clear to yoru DH that you will go to your place with your Child as they are grand parents too and have every right to see the child and you are his/her mother .If he doesnot agree tell him you will go to India itself period.For MILS or your type try to ignore but if she bad mouths yoru parents tell her in assertive way that you are your son don't have any rights to critisize my Parents as they are not part of your family .I am your DIL and you have every right to critisize me but not my parents .same case iwth your DH .He has no rights to bad mouth your parents before you .Sometiems you have to stand up for yourself .Married life is bilateral relationship .Good luck and stand up for yourself .