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manipulation

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by seeker, Apr 2, 2009.

  1. seeker

    seeker New IL'ite

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    Dear ladies,

    My dh is an only son .

    DH is a perfectionist and finds it hard to tolerate faults in anyone. My mil has taken this to her advantage. She would complain about almost everyone ( her husband, his sisters,brother in law, aunts uncles and my relatives ) in a subtle manner and add on a sort of "of course they would have done it in good intention ".
    (A method of pinching the baby and rocking it too.)

    Keeping this in mind DH bears a grudge with almost everybody ....while his mom is all smiles and pleasantries with everyone. Thats her way of keeping her son all to herself.!!!!!
    Possessive!!!!!


    Almost all his communications with his sisters or relatives are done by her on his behalf.
    He has very few friends and his public relations always being done by his mom for several years he finds it so hard to get a conversation going.
    Is there any steps that i could take to intervene
     
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  2. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    You could just gently suggest that he make more investment in his relationships, esp. the ones with his sisters. Gently urge him to communicate more often and very directly with them, telling him that you are sure that they would probably love to talk directly with him, rather than through his mother. Then, leave it at that.

    Do not say anything about his Mother or what you perceive is her "manipulation" -- it will only work against you. As long as she does not involve herself in your marriage, do not get involved in the mother-son dynamics. You won't be able to change it, so don't waste your time and energy even trying!
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2009
  3. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear seeker,
    The mother "teaching" the kids (both girls and boys) about the relatives at a young age, drilling into their heads who is good and who is bad, isnt an uncommon doing. My mil has done it too and still does it. Not only my husband, even my fil has very strong beliefs in what my mil observes about their relatives & acquaintances. However, she doesnt add the sentence "they did it in good intention"!!! As Malyatha has said, it is better not to try to correct their opinions. Just have your own opinion of people and dont force it on them.

    Having said this, I must mention that my husband doesnt depend on his mom to carry out talks with other people (at least his side of relatives). That is something strange. If your husband is a person who learns from examples, show him some examples; like yourself and your friends who speak to others directly rather than through a PRO.

    Sandhya
     
  4. seeker

    seeker New IL'ite

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    dear malyatha,
    thank you for the reply. I rarely or never comment about his mother nowadays. It was during the initial days of marriage that i treated him as a CONFIDANT and talked about somethings....but learnt the lesson the hard way ( should have been a member of IL earlier):cry:.

    dear sandu,

    Its true that mothers try to teach the kid about who is good and bad. Even my mom had some grudges against relatives and communication with them was rare when i was young . But as I grew up I realised that it was their own personal ego clashes and moved on with my relationship with them.
    I bet that many of the IL ladies would say that you should be happy that he does not communicate much with his sis /relatives.......but its just that when the communication comes in thru a PR its all distorted and changedRant
     
  5. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    You are right! You have grown up, whereas your husband hasnt!
    Absolutely! Everyone has his/her own point of view and many people try to represent a fact that way when they narrate it to someone. Tell me, how does your husband manage communications within his office and his friends' circle? Probably all by himself, isnt it? Try to tell him that he can apply the same to communications with his relatives. Sometimes, this particular problem arises because of the fact that the husband(or even wife) talks too much with his/her own parents. They start talking shop and obviously the mother cant keep away from commenting on relatives. So, the matter reaches the husband(/wife) in a distorted manner. Solution: you cannot ask your husband to talk less often or your mil to stop talking shop. But, you can gently advise your husband against gossipping about people. You may try telling him, "It is amazing how much energy you and amma have while gossiping... You behave very much like an old woman yourself! I thought it is only women who carry on tales; I am surprised to see you indulge in this!" This is what I tell my husband sometimes, though it doesnt work 100%.

    Hope I made sense. Good luck!
    Sandhya
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2009

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