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Mama's boy? How is your relationship with your mother?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by PaulWanka, Sep 1, 2012.

  1. PaulWanka

    PaulWanka New IL'ite

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    Growing I had a domineering mother with constant mood swings and a weak, whipped father. I grew up relatively estranged from family and my mother was effectively the only female influence growing up - no sisters, no grandma, no aunts, no female cousins.

    I was an immigrant kid in the West reared in a very conservative, culturally alien upbringing. My mother's basic philosophy was "don't talk to girls". She told me if I ever came home and told her I liked a girl she'd cut my tongue off. And when you grow up pretty terrified of your mother that sort of thing really gets to your heart.

    I think my fear of my mother extended towards all women in general. I was shy and precocious around people I didn't know. I don't think I ever intiated a conversation with a girl all through grade school, middle school, and most of high school - unless it was to borrow a pen or something. So the lack of female exposure during my prime socializing years really set me back.

    My mom pushed me hard academically. I was always one of the top kids in school, and I was fiercely competitive, always wanting to come out with the highest grades - to the detriment of everything else. But I wasn't a total nerd. And I had a decent set of a dozen or so friends and a couple of close ones (all guys). Many came from a similar cultural upbringing and none of these guys had gfs either. I was teased a bit for being on the shirt/skinny side, but nothing overtly cruel like a John Hughes movie. I had the respect of my peers for my academic smarts.

    Unfortunately, I grew up in a working-class neighbourhood. My mom was afraid of me mixing with the wrong crowd so she forbid me from socializing with peers outside of school. So there were no going out to the movies, no dances, no proms, no hanging out at Mike's etc. So my daily routine was pretty much go to school, come home, listen to talk radio, do homework, read a book, go on MSN or AOL chat, rinse, repeat. I was relatively content with this lifestyle as an introvert.

    I was also extremely skinny up to about 2 years ago. I'd have relatives contantly comment on my skinniness. Far from coming to my defence as most good mothers would do my domineering mother would always accuse me of never eating (although looking back she never really fed me properly). This really crippled my self-esteem as an emotionally fragile teenager with image issues. Basically grew up thinking I was ugly.

    It wasn't until I around 24 that things started to turn around. I got a new job, moved out, lifted weights, gained 30 lbs, read PUA and Roissy, reached a zen-level understanding of female ev-psych and social dynamics, approached girls online and off, lost my virginity, and scored some pussy.

    And at this point I've stopped paying attention to my mother. When she'd go off on hysterical tirades, I'd sit calmly and tune her out. And no longer do I submit to her ****. Ya, I'd gamed my mother.

    My mother has recently tried to push me into an arranged marriage some fat, ugly girls that no guy wants. I explicitly said "NO". She asks "why not?" I simply repeated "NO. This conversation is over." No arguing, no rationalizing. I never discuss my girl-related liasons - why bother with someone who simply won't understand? My mother might even think I'm gay but I don't care. If she only knew about the pussy I've tagged she might be horrified but what mama don't know won't hurt her.

    She's even asked if I had a girlfriend. I said no. At one time she even "there's all these other guys in our community going on about gf this and gf that, what's the matter with you?" I was thinking to myself "wow you raised me all my life to avoid girls, threatened to cut my tongue off if I ever confessed to liking one, and now you're upset with me for NOT having a gf? and all because it's suddenly become socially acceptable to have a gf in our community?!?! WTF???"

    I felt robbed of my adolescence. If I'd been weaker I would've broke down and cried.

    I still resent my parents - my mother for being so domineering, and my father for being so weak-willed as he was also subject to a lot of verbal abuse. And I hate myself for being a pussy also - for not standing for myself and accepting a subpar fate.

    Looking back I realize I was a relatively smart, normal kid with decent social skills who grew up in a poor social environment. I wouldn't wish my upbringing on anyone.

    Yet somehow I've managed to turn it around.
     
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  2. PeacockLady

    PeacockLady Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry that you had a bad adolescent years because of your mother. The problem you faced were not that uncommon in Indian community living in the west. Some Indian parents try to hang on to Indian values they were brought up in (even though Indian values in India has changed). They fail to understand the impact on their children. Your mother is not the only one to threaten children with physical mutilation for talking to the opposite sex. My parents have made few threats like that as well.

    It's also not fair if your mother was verbally abusive towards you. Verbal abuse can be equally difficult to deal with as physical abuse. Glad you managed to survive it.

    Now you are grown up and I think you need to revaluate your opinion on women in general. I get the feeling that you don't have much respect for women. You should change that attitude. Girls are not sexual objects for you to keep scores.

    Another thing I get from your post is that you are still not comfortable to confront your mother. You need to be straight with her and learn to face her head on.

    Whatever you suffered was not your fault. You were a child and it's your parents fault for not providing the right kind of care and nurture. For your sake I hope you can forgive yourself and your parents. You have a bright future ahead of you don't spoil it by the shadows of your past.
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2012
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  3. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    PeacockLady, I wish I could double/triple like your response:)

    OP,

    Even those with 'perfect parents' have to go thru a lot of soul searching as they grow into adulthood. You are fortunate that you have an inner strength that has held you to have a meaningful life in some aspects. Do explore a little more...maybe see a therapist, volunteer with poorer immigrant children (one of my friends volunteers with asian refugees where similar cultural issues come up and she said that it really helped process a lot that went on in her teen years)...find out what works for you. It will help you build healthy relationships in future.
     
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  4. GodIsOne

    GodIsOne Gold IL'ite

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    Mind your language dude!

    I feel bad for what you had to go through. I neither have an advice nor suggestion. I have a 4 yr old son and thank you for sharing your story. I did learn something.

    Again...you should have been a little bit more discreet...JMO
     
  5. anjananathan

    anjananathan Platinum IL'ite

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    what you told above is not right.. i hope u understand

    not sure if this is genuine post .. if this is genuine, i feel sorry for you.. life has given you some bad experience and u know how parents should not be.. when u get married, be the way u expected from ur parents..
     
  6. yesican

    yesican Silver IL'ite

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    PaulWanka,

    Good job that you have now become more socially outgoing and lead a successful life now. As you move forward in life do be aware and conscious that you do treat women with respect even though you might not respect your mum too much right now - referring to young women whom you've had a relationship with as "pussy" is extremely disrespectful to all women, and ultimately to yourself. Make sure that past baggage with your mum does not transfer over to your wife or girlfriend, talk with a therapist if required.
     

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