Mad At My Hubby Right Now

hi ladies,
Im going crazy at home with kids, i have a lot of stress which im showing on my husband by fighting with him. something triggers my anger and i start talking about how im feeling and then it turns into me throwing a fit on him, i scream and push him and bang my head to wall etc.while i cry a lot.. all this goes on for good 3-4 hours..

To me, it looks like im having too much stress and a hard day- to -day life at home with kids, and this is showing out in this way.. I also have history of depression, medicine didnt work for me, therapy worked a little bit , but self-talk and meditation helped me a lot....we both agree that we dont have a balanced lifestyle.. we dont have social life, we dont do any hobbies, we dont take breaks no time to exercise, all this because he has too much work and busy all the time..

we have written some schedule which is really good, workable, but somehow i think he doesnt try enough to stick with it.. mostly he wont sleep on his schedule time, he streches, and he has hard time waking up, and sometimes its not him but something else comes up which eats his work time, then he cant sleep on time coz he needs to finish it..

he used to work 12-16 hrs a day last year, hence all personal works got postponed and since last two months he is working 8 hours a day and doing our pending personal works, and the whole day is getting done with those things, no time for ourself, no break time for him or for me.. he is relatively in better position than me, my day is even more stressful than him..

He totally believes that im stressed out and i need some me time and exercise to get a balance.. he tells me that he will takes my little one out everyday so that i can meditate( it helps me a lot).. and one hour for my exercise.. Then i told him one hour everyday is enough for me - i can meditate or exercise depending upon how i feel that day.. but somehow it wont happen.. there are reasons, but i think he can still get it done if he really cares about me.. Not getting that one hour is one thing - now i also feel that if he really cares about me he need to make sure he takes time to do that.. i said that to him yesterday and he is telling me that im busy when he tried sometimes to go with kid, which is not true.. actually what happened was, he does it for hardly 1-2 days and then something comes up then he cant go.. i think whatever it may be at the work front, i dont know what he is dealing with, but i think he can be determined enough take one hour for me to save me from so much stress.
i can 100% tell you that he can take that one hour from his schedule and give it to me if he really want to.. Also what is going to happen if he cuts one hour from his work time, i told him its ok as long as he doesnt lose his job, i have a history of depression and i dont want to get into it one more time, im also not completely recovered.. and how will i recover, i dont get a breathing space here.. putting him in a preschool is underway but till then i need this break time, im not asking to do this forever.. im pretty sure he is not going to lose his job if he does this,,

And sometimes we have discussions(not fights) in the night,when kids sleep, on how to work things out, he sleeps while im talking about ideas on how to fix this problem(we do it on weekend nights)

he happily sleeps when i have to wake up in the morning for kids, i have to wake him or he wont wake up, cant he be more responsible? Its more like this for everything related to day to day life, i have to tell him to do it or he wont be responsible and do it by himself.. he wont even understand what im talking about.. he also talks very less and looks at my face with a Question mark in his face, when im asking hime something related to this.. In other words, i think that we can work it out if he really wants to, but looks like he is not strong enough.. Let me add one thing, whenever this topic comes, i find him uneasy and he tries to divert the topic.. or goes to bathroom and comes back after sometime and wont start the topic by himself, i have to again start bugging him...

I am getting a feeling that he is not worth it.. i told him that i cant live in this relation if this imbalance is continuing.. i dont know if im really gonna do that.. but this thread has been continuing since years.. and im really losing my mind.. its not that i dont want him, its hard for me to leave him as i want to be with him, i will be broken if i have to break up with him.. but my self respect is at stake now.. he also begs me to never leave him if i ever say about breaking up.. but why doesnt he care about me if he really loves me..

 

i have another important point here, when im stressed like this, im not giving my kids my 100%, i can do much better than what im doing right now.. my kids are definitely getting effected by all this,, but since they are so young, i think i still have a chance to get things back on track if i start performing well as a mom, again -he hardly has time for kids, but if i am feeling good then i can do wonders, i even plan time for him with kids, i will get the house back into balance, its just a matter of my one hour break

 

another thing - he also says that we can be together for kids sake etc.. which indirectly give me a message that, he is ok not to fix things between us and still have me live with him - in the pretext of doing it for kids, i have a different opinion, kids are going to get effected if we separate, but its temporary and we can have a parenting plan, but we are fighting like this then they are going to be effected for life, also im giving wrong message to them on how relationships work,
also we spend like atleast10 hours a week to fight, so we can prevent it if we stick to the one hour rule, we are anyway spending time in a destructive way, why not plan well and do it in a constructive way.. we both are still in love with each other, though we talk about separation im sure we both dont like to do that.. but he has to take that decision to be responsible.. he has no complaints on me..

Sorry for this long vent in multiple posts, but i needed to do this,, and hoping for some suggestions..

 

hi ladies,
its not like he works 16 hours now. it was last year.. at that time it was the need, so i was the one who encouraged him to take his time - 16 hours is what i gave him in a day, to himself- its not just work- he watches cricket, he takes breaks to go have coffe and play some pool, he worked even on weekends for 8 hours, i didnt even ask him to get groceries, fully supported him.. i didnt expect anything from him at that time.. i managed things on my own.. even now im not asking him to stop working. i wrote down a schedule which is very easy to follow. im only telling him to prioritize things and do things one by one.. while making time for kids.. my kids ask for their dad..
I also feel that he needs to spend a little time with them at this age to bond with them.. and he has been like this for years now.. its not a temporary situation.. so what is our family gaining from this? so basically is the expectation that he works the whole day and too exhausted for family and this goes on for years.. he can take it a little slow - nobody is asking him to compromise his career.. but he can follow schedules which i made, which are very much doable.. i didnt marry just for the money he gets home, we need him in our lives, we are constantly in waiting mode and he is in his own world..