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Love On The Academic Calendar

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Nonya, Aug 9, 2017.

  1. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    I saw a picture of a young couple, apparently in a forin college campus, both are heavily tattooed. Like a pair of zebras, you'd not be able to tell where one's stripe ends and the other's begins. Take a look:
    upload_2017-8-9_15-0-23.png

    That picture was in an article titled:"15 Reasons Why People Who Fall In Love In College Make The Absolute Best Couples".
    That tweaked my memory to think about someone I know who was seriously in love with his college classmate. But then, they had no tattoo's, and they lived in an Indian City, and went to a college not as leafy as the one you see in the picture.

    After college, she gets a job through campus recruiting, but he didn't. However, after about a year of being unemployed, he manages to secure a place in an american college for doing a master's degree, and somehow manages the financing (bank loans, uncles etc..) and goes off. The understanding between the two was that he'd study, get a job, and then come back to marry her. After all, one needs a job before one should have the gumption to ask for a girl's hand in marriage, no? So that was there.... In the meantime, the girl has a life ---home, work, pressures from peers and family to get on with what a good girl ought to do. And the boy in forin is not the best of long distance relationship maintainer. Perhaps got tired of thinking the variations of how to write "I miss you" in an email, or chat. Eventually their email/chat exchanges got trite -- forwarding inane nonsense to one another-- as well as out of context. His newly acquired forin memes were bordering on idiotic to her, and she seemed out of date/fashion to him. The creeping mutual aloofness was palpable to both.

    Due to pressures from the family, she allowed to be girl-dekko'ed a couple of times. Men a few years older than herself, seemed to make a lot more money than her, and looked pretty nice too. She didn't divulge any of these goings on in her life to her forin correspondent; after all, she's not sure now about where she stood with respect to whatever promise about a future together that was either actually said or implied a few years ago. Their skype conversations were stilted and unnatural, because of the time difference, as well as not finding anything in common in their daily goings on that they could easily exchange. He was guarded as to who were his friends in forin, and she was reluctant to talk about any of her male colleagues who were really her good friends, help-mates, and mentors at work. Eventually, even if they see that green radio button on skype, they became reluctant to press that button and make a call.

    They are in their 40's now; both married to different people. She has two children and lives in India. He has one child and lives in America. I don't know how happy they really are in their respective lives. Apparently he linked up with a girl who grew up in America in one of the various desi gatherings in the town he was in(both her parents doctors, and wealthy). He was on a long long wait to his "priority date" coming current for him to apply to be a permanent resident. And marrying to fast-track his permanency in the USA turned out to be his aphrodisiac. The girl's parents were of the opinion that someone who grew up in India would have the appropriate conservatism with respect to career, money, life, and personal shenanigans. The daughter didn't see anything remarkably negative about him, and she was game.

    In India, arranged marriages used to take into consideration the money that the guy has, and will have each month, before the girl's parents would go any further into the negotiations. This preference would result in the guy being a few years older (time to get out of whatever education, find a job and settle in it with some confidence of its stability etc. etc..) than the girl. This factor would tend to make college romances be very impractical for them both. She couldn't possibly bet on his future being good-enough to wait for him, while she is getting older-by-the-second in her parents' eyes.

    The 15-reasons article I had linked earlier, does not talk about money, as well as student loans up their wazoo's that many college students in America have. Since money problems and worries are the major reasons for the breakups of marriages in USA, falling-in-love-in-college works out neither in America nor in India. Obviously in America one would have tattoo laser removal expenses after the divorce, whereas in India, one can possibly escape pretty much unscathed.

    What do y'all think?
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2017
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  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Depends , I think medical school romances work slightly better because A) both the partners take eons to get settled ( depending on the specialty )
    and b) lack of time to pursue other romantic interests during residency and fellowship.
    I am sure your friend couple are pretty happy in their respective marriages . Not everyone has the maturity in college to find the right life partner . They were not meant for each other if they could not sustain a 2 yr long distance relationship ( not easy but totally possible, I speak from experience ) . If they were together , the priority dates may have killed his libido and affected their married life a bit , but they would have seen green sooner or later .
     
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  3. Iravati

    Iravati Platinum IL'ite

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    I read your blog few months ago. Today, our other discussion on relationships and romance and courtship and balen warpath reminded me of this write-up. I am surprised that there have not been many takers as this particular relational spin is more contemporary and chic to the proverbial and already-wrung other marital themes. Here are my disorganised thoughts around this topic, not directly addressing your inquiry, nevertheless, hover around your views.

    Can high school/college romance sustain in the long run?
    Tricky. The juvenile lovers are still in their formative years and their outlook on life is still being forged. Their value system and creed is still fluid which takes couple of years beyond the campus to style themselves into something they are content about and less likely to alter thereafter. This does not mean the campus sweethearts are fake and superficial. It means, they have fallen for people who were the best match for them at that time. As these dovey sweethearts evolve in life and are exposed to higher learning and partake of life-affirming and transformative experiences, their orientation is challenged. They might have been pinkened smitten and bitten by endearing counterparts who themselves have evolved into some other creature during the time their heart-throbs took off to overseas or higher education or fulfilling work. There have been cases where the campus sweethearts sustained their romance to a ripe Darby and Joan age. But, let's talk of cases where the bond floundered and was eventually splintered.

    Marriage, no matter what noble qualifier it is enveloped in, is still a transactional, not necessarily mercenary, indulgence. There are charming sections in the society where marriages thrive on financial security, respect, cooperation, non-abuse, societal status and other emergent aspects of companionship, which are seemingly the forefront of an agreeable union/marriage. However, there are certain privileged outposts of the same society where the spouses are on equal and independent footing in terms of finances, intellect, status, chutzpah, self-awareness that they prefer to walk out of dull marriages because they observe no norm to carry on the charade of a flourishing marriage.

    The aforesaid parting couple have no reason to stay together for they are neither intimidated nor crippled from the revocation of their legal status as a married couple. Perhaps to them, marriage/companionship is a far enriching and cultivated experience that they disobey to hang on to deadwood and look for brighter meadows. And our committed Ivy college sweethearts who go on to marry, prosper, evolve, stagger, and part ways belong to this breed.

    The tricky bit is that we are still predominated by clichéd rules of break up. In the recent times, I have not come across any case in my circle where couples split because they were hostile to each other, rather, they split because their personal growth estranged them in a steady course. A refresher of the downy-haired Derek Parfit's identity theories may act as a prop to validate the formulation of marriages where couples split because their fluid identities have evolved and reshaped and they can no longer relate to their erstwhile sweethearts. Hold on, this is not Nietzsche's nihilism, it only means some people have a deferred growth spurt (post: marriage, education, work, travel) whereas the rest are either precociously clever with their spousal choices or ploddingly content with their domestic alliance.

    We are still few decades away from realising that marriages are not made in fanciful heavens or retiring that jaded "no one is perfect", "all marriages have some or the other snag", "love conquers everything in the end", in fact, marriages are harnessed in the communicative and mutually enriching drive of the couple. If a spouse is unable to captivate or enhance or enliven his/her partner, then in spite of the combined finances, alluring designs of the mangala sutra pendants, tax rebates, Michelin dinner saver a deux, those brilliant and outstanding and talk-of-the-campus sweethearts would part in few years time; contrary to the public's conjecture to account for their split, the couple prefer to account to stay together, which is none, because they have outgrown each other.

    Online forum is a very scary place to flirt with non-conventional thinking. So, here are the disclaimers in place for lurkers.

    1. I am not generalising romance or marriage or a societal phenomenon here. I am just blabbering what I have observed and grown up with in a fringe society. I have only passable understanding of how the rest of the common society operates.
    2. My intent is not to disparage or ruffle any sensitive underside of anyone. If you are hurt or more than that astonished at my writeup then picture me as a rhesus monkey tapping with her feet and scratching her head with both her hands.
    3. If you want to approach me with a "I know someone ..." , "I have seen couples earning millions from prestigious institutions .." and other anecdotal evidence to controvert or corroborate my observations, please do so, but don't expect me to follow up about it. Ahem, I am still struggling to make my first million. And it is nowhere in sight *&%$.
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2017
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    "nothing remarkably negative" When asked post marriage if they are happy, many answer "I am not unhappy" : )
     
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  5. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    @Iravati Thanks for that analysis. Precociously Clever or Ploddingly Content, eh ? Since there isn't a way to get back to precocious, there is only one way to go and be content in a marriage. Get to a memory cleaning service, once in a while, sort'a like going to the hair dressers:
    upload_2017-11-28_7-35-24.png
     
  6. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Kilgore Trout, the old man character who writes Scifi dime novels, described in the book that @Iravati talked about (Breakfast of Champions, K.Vonnegut Jr.) muses about some of the "happiest people" he knows: Those that've got aluminum sidings. Of course, alumin(i)um sidings can be substituted by a thousand and one things -- ipot, iphone, airfryer, etc.. etc..
    And then there is this:
     
  7. Iravati

    Iravati Platinum IL'ite

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    Hehe, that alliterative strategy was unwitting.

    Couples plod or preempt but finally work out whatever keeps them happy. Also, what women and men desire to retain or upgrade in their spouses and partners may vary little with uneventful passage of time but it is those defining events (leap in education, work and travel, and exposure) incurred in life that derail even the so-called mirrored sweethearts.

    I might find something endearing today which I would find repulsive later adjudged from my elevated bearing and imports. That outlook and wiring is rewired throughout life underscoring the fact that people evolve more often than they would like to believe. Some couples grow in tandem whereas others have dissenting growth.

    I find nothing unnatural in that estranged disposition. We are conditioned to value our relationship in a certain way and not that we necessarily feel it that way. On the other hand, couples who are not conditional with bell graphs and stats on relationship myths pursue their lives with no such unreasonable fetters to intimidate them. They work out fearless what does not work out for them going forward and part ways.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2017
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  8. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    I happened upon The Economist (nov 25, 2017 issue) magazine in a flight magazine collection. They have "A Special Report on Marriage" -- with a subtitle "A Looser Knot", and several essays within the report.
    Naturally there were essays on India and China. As for India, there was this byline: "As parents lose control over marriage, Indian Society is shaking". And how the Chinese are finding it hard to get their sons married, because the bride-prices are sky-high. Lots of money chasing few available brides.

    @Iravati In reading the essay on India, we could see that sophisticated couples who are exposed to a lot in the world, and manage to drift apart have something in common with poor folks of India in recognizing the loss of spark in a marriage, and call it quits.

    The following is from https://www.economist.com/news/spec...arriage-indian-society-shaking-marriage-india
    What should worry conservative Indians is not so much that their country will go the way of America but that it will follow Japan. Arranged marriage was the norm in Japan before the second world war, and many retired Japanese lived with their children. Today arranged marriage is almost unknown in Japan, and children feel little obligation to take in their aged parents.

    In India, meanwhile, marriage is also quietly eroding from below. ........., slum-dwellers whose marriages collapse seldom bother with divorce. Instead they separate from their spouses and take up with new partners. Sometimes they announce that they are now married to their new loves. Technically this is illegal, but nobody seems minded to interfere. “In all these years I have hardly ever seen a prosecution for bigamy,” says Gouri Choudhury of Action India, a charity, who has been working with poor city women since the 1970s.

    Nervously and unsteadily, India is letting go of old ways and groping towards something that resembles Western marriage. At the same time the West is in one sense turning more Indian. The idea that the best marriage partner is someone with the same family background and belonging to precisely the same social group seems to be rooted in the subcontinent. But something that looks remarkably like caste marriage is becoming increasingly common in rich countries.
     
  9. Iravati

    Iravati Platinum IL'ite

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    'Spark in a marriage' is still regarded as an elusive and fantastical notion in almost every community. In the top of the drawer sections of the society, couples who blew away the untenable spark split because there is no stigma associated with such undertaking in their liberal milieu. They can chase another spark. In the lower rungs of the society, sparkless couples separate (legally or panchayat common-law) as the practicality of the situation to run a household supersedes prevailing taboos. They might bend the spark.

    Human mind is a trickster. You can talk yourself into walking out of a marriage or staying in a marriage with equal force. The tipping point is intuition more than ratiocination. People usually decide upfront whether they want to stay in or quit a marriage and then conjure up reasons to explain away their act. It is like that free-will conspiracy. Your motor cortex (act) fires away before that prefrontal cortex (thought). You stay or quit, human mind will adapt to your situation.

    Again, when I use the word "marriage", I don't intend it in its strictest form, it means any form of romantic liaison, say, dating, live-in, common-law, more than friends, it's complicated, all those flavours. People know beforehand whether they are prodigal or plodding types. Funny, I should be the last person talking about relationships in this experienced crowd. I really have no idea how relationships work at large. My world is cloistered and uncomplicated. Hence, I demur to talk on domestic topics as I have a grainy understanding of the society in general. My mom always goes: "I wonder how you survive with your flamboyant opinions" to which I am still clueless.
     
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  10. Iravati

    Iravati Platinum IL'ite

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    That groping or marching towards the West though symbolic is effective in driving home the point that personal freedom is gaining currency.

    There is less taboo with socialising and dating and other exploratory forms of initiating a romance. Women and men are forthcoming and articulate about their personal needs making the services of facilitating brokers and interlopers otiose. Today a woman is emboldened with skills and charm to register herself in a dating or matrimonial site and find a partner. This is pre-marriage Western import.

    The most striking post-marriage Western import is not divorce but delay in having the first child. We are still predominantly a traditional community that reckons kids to be the most fulfilling calling of a couple's life. What has changed is our orientation and timing of kids in a marriage. Today, every Indian modern couple plans their first child in few years from their marriage. This gives them ample time to suss out the viability of their married life. With kids deferred, couples tend to me more critical of their togetherness. Works out, fine, does not work out, walk away before a kid pops up.

    (1) Dating is committed. (2) Marriage is committed and legally bound. (3) Marriage with kids is committed and legally bound and supposedly crossed the Rubicon. When we say that divorce rates have increased in urban India, I wish to know if anyone has graphed the demographics to inspect if there is appreciable spike in that (2) zone within couples who have held off having children. I think the Western import is not frivolity around marriage vows but availing themselves of the escrowed time and whipping up sensibility to act before it gets harder.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2017
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