Love marriage Vs Arranged marriage?

Hi all

Iam aparna working as a software engineer.i got married recently.i would like to share my opinion about marriage.

I have seen all the discussions. .

"" EVERY COIN HAS Two faces"". This is the way how life will be.In the same way whether it is an arranged marriage or love marriage we have to see the Both sides.
Talking about the arranged marriages i strongly believe that Two persons are tied together Considering only their physic beauty and financial background as the main Qualification.But i feel that those two things will not help two persons live together happily after marriage.

In my opinion marriage is that where two souls should start their journey to reach the destination in one single path. for this to happen happily i believe two persons mentalities should coincide.This happens only when two persons completely understand each other.

Mine is a love marriage.I wont say that this is best or the other is wrong.It all depends on the person whom we are inviting into our life.

My marriage happened like a dream which we see in our sleep.
we loved each other without seeing.He was one of my chat friends.Daily we used to chat with eachother.Then we came to know our ideas and likes and dislikes.Almost both of us are copy of each other.we decided to marry and conveyed the same to our parents on both sides.His parents agreed.

Bcoz iam the only daughter to my parents First they didnot agree to what iam saying.we struggled a lot.it is a big story again.In that moment only I got a very good job in a good company where , now iam working as a software engineer .finally they agreed and we got married.

I wont say that we should go against with our parents..If you are really sure that your life with your loved person will be really happy try to convince them .Even they feel happy if we are happy in our life.

Even in your Lovemarriage when u r choosing a person dont think that ur life will be like wat it was then.Understand him well and see the reality ,imazine ur married life and then u decide whether he can be ur betterhalf.

Realise that Dreams are Different from reality.

"Life before marriage is a Dream Life after marriage is the Reality"

First thing is we should have mutual understanding between each other.
we should not try to impose our interests on others.
Try to respest the other person interests and feelings.
Dont try to dominate the other person.Try to be friendly .
Dont feel like one small thread made us stay together feel that we are soul mates.

Today By gods grace iam really njoing with my Loving hubby.He is really my better half.He will help me in every aspect.As we both are working we share our work.He helps me in my work ,guides me in my career,love me as my parents,treat me as a friend.He is everything to me.He sees me as a small kid.Even my parents are very happy today.


After reading this mail i feel very happy i can recive some replies and your opinions on this.

 

Hi,
I have been very busy and didn't check back on this post for a long time. Thank you for your response. .I have found that talking to my friends about my problems always help. And especially knowing that there are others who manage the same problems gives me some sort of encouragement to continue trying and not to be depressed. We can talk about the issues faced by women who've had love marriages in this thread more. I am sure it will be helpful to everyone. After 6 years of marriage I am sure I can help.

 

hi il's,

I just saw this thread. The question is not whether it is a love marriage or arranged marriage, marriage in sum total has to be worked on. when you want your vehicle to run smooth, you have to clean,oil,check it most of the time. (It is rather cynical of me to compare this way , but when you analyse it looks true.)

In a love marriage, you have seen the package and checked the contents, and you create your own expectations. but it does not work the same. as a bf/gf you try to impress the other, and also in the feeling of being in love phase you tend to not notice the flaws or do notice and think i will be able to correct him/her after marriage forgetting that the character of the person has been moulded. In love marriages your relatives give you a cushion in case of problems for say 20-30% after that it is just you made your bed you have to lie in it. (in other words you dug your own grave.) .

In a arranged marriage you have just seen the package. here you are curious about the content of the package that's all. so you may not be so worried if it does not match your expectation level. but again, it is a combined arrangement, where in you have a fall back your relatives.

Marriages are made in heaven. yes until the word marriage. to just continue to feel /stay in heaven we need to work on it. There should be lot of patience, selfless love, compromises, some times more to have a good marriage.

There are lot of arranged marriages in my own circle which have not worked. and even love marriages which have not been successful.

I have been married for 13 years. know my husband for 15 years. worked with him in the same office, been a close friend. thought a known devil is better than an unknown angel.:tongue (that's what i tell when someone asks me why did you marry this guy.) Have seen lot of ups and downs. lot of compromises. lot of struggles.

but today if you ask me do i ever regret marrying my husband, I will say no.
he is still my best friend, confidante, and also have a mutual understanding that we dont need to really tell the other anything. We have made a success of our marriage only by working on it. i will not say i am perfect or he is perfect. but we have learnt to accept each other as we are,not trying to change the other.
which is better, is each one's perspective.


love,
shanthi.

 

Hi

Shanti after seeing ur reply i was so much relieved since i am also in d same phase which u had gone through. i like one guy n after lot of struggles my parents just said ok.guy's parents r willing.But still my parents are very sad they r telling me to withdraw..but i dont want to do that..but i cant go without parents's permission i love them..they are telling about lot of pros n cons of love marriage.caste is the main problem.so i am very confused..all my relatives scaring me saying all problms n worries only..but he n his parents assured me n my family that they will take care of me well.but still my parents are not convinced fully.so i was under immense pressure thats y i was just going through the forums and i saw ur post.and almost evrything is similar to my case..even that unintentional love. I also feel that its all about two people's understanding and how they can adjust for each other regardless of arranged or love marriage.

 

I totally agree with Shanth.. Whatever the marriage is.. the success lies in getting to eachother in spite of having somany difference. The probability of getting a hubby of the same likes and dislikes is very less.. Need some initial adjustments to make a marriage a real success.

Thanks,

 

I agree with Shanthi. Married life is not like, "And the prince and the princess stayed happily thereafter". Problems come from all sides and angles, be it love or arranged. Its upto us to separate the husk from the wheat and handle them in the appropriate way. External trouble always include

1. In-laws (both sides)
2. Office issues (of both wife and hubby)
3. Other nitty-gritties like neighbors, small likes and dislikes etc

Here, one needs to prioritise and see which to give attention to, which to solve rightaway and which to chew and analyse and solve and which to let time take its turns. And all these also depend on our own necessities and how intensely we want our necessities to be satisfied and how much can we give in.

Can we frame a reasonable and acceptable logic or principle for the way we relate to others? Can we prioritise our needs and decide which can be ignored?

According to me, sustenance and survival is basic, so job, money and assets are a priority. These issues need to be dealt with care. Paralelly comes the very base on which relationships get built (here i mean the love between husband and wife), this is sometimes much more basic than survival coz it aids and strengthens survival and growth.

Other aspects like why mother-in-law gave me the dirtiest plate at home to eat and my hubby the usual best pet plate, or why she is always worried about little things and pressurise us (though with a good intention), shld i call my husband by his name or avar etc can be discussed and solved if one is very particular abt it or overlooked if one is patient enough.

 

wetern devi wake up...its great to hear you are in a good relationship with someone...but if you think you have the 'arranged marriage' by your aunties as a fall back option , dont bank on it too much. i doubt that there would be an indian guy (even if he has been in the US for a long time) who also wants to go thru the arranged marriage route would be able to adjust to an indian american girl who has dated many americans and has been through a live in relationship. most indian guys who are waiting to find a girl through this route are generaly pretty narrow minded and chauvinistic...no offense please...they might be very nice human beings but as a wife they , in 99% cases, expect the seedhi saadhi gharelu types. so im pretty doubtful you would be able to settle down with someone like that! hopefully u wont have to go through that route....there is nothing like 'best of both worlds' my dear!

 

IMHO, love after marriage is most important. After marriage, when you actually start living with a person, you would see so many habits/ characteristics of the person and even if you have known the person before, its like seeing a new person.
And I also think, irrespective of everything, there is the initial two years(which could vary from couple to couple) to get used to each other and understand each other. After this period, one begins to actually love the spouse in the true sense, package and all (to a certain extent). I think it is this love which cements the relationship, irrespective of whether it was a love marriage or an arranged marriage. :hide:

 

I think everything is fine whether love or arranged marriage if both the partners are mature and care about each others feelings.If any one of them is egoist or arrogant or uncompromising then any marriage can not work.
both mariages have their pros ans cons.
Well i had a love marriage.But my parents were looking for grooms for me before i met my husband.
So i met a lot of guys but never liked any one of them.
I must tell you i used to get so irritated.Parents see everything like caste,horoscope,family status,education,work,salary,looks,whether he drinks or smoke or not etc.But they can not see whether this boy is really compatible to you or not.
And boys parents ..they see the girl's height,weight,complexion,money her parents are spending,her culture,homely etc.
They don't have enough consideration for the compatibility and understanding between the two of them.
Even if the boy is "shareef",,it doesn't mean that he will be having the right tuning with you.He may be very egoist or dominating.And in starting everybody wants to show only the positive side of his then how can you judge what is negative and what is positive.
Once your marriage is fixed ..all relatives know about it.Even if you know the bad things about the chosen boy during the small courtship period given to you...its not easy for a girl to come out of that.Because the society knows about it and if she breaks the marriage in Indian society its women who is blamed.If something is not very serious..girl can not break the marriage after marriage is fixed.And her father money is also stuck because from day one the marriage is fixed this give and take of money by bride side starts like anything.
I must say parents have seen the world ...they choose what is best for their son/daughters but sometimes it doesn't work like that and sometimes it works really good.Its like a gambling.
Now lets come to the love marriage....thats true...there is lot of difference between girlfriend/boyfriend and husband/wife.When girls or boys choose their spouse ..in most of the cases They can not think from the aspect of marriage or husband or wife..Everything looks pinky and rosy.But when they see the reality after marriage..its like a shock to them.
Again.....it doesn't matter whether its love or arranged marriage....it totally depends on the understanding of husband and wife.If they both respect each other ,care for each other's feelings,are undertsanding,compromising then any marriage can survive.
But truely to those who says arranged marriages are better .i will tell a hundreds of cases where there is no love between husband and wife and they are living together just because of kids,parents or society.None of them is happy but they are living together because of family pressures and both are living their own lives.
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but i am telling you what i have seen in my life.
In love marriage...at least you have a chance to know your partner before,you know each other and at least you are frank and friendly to each other.You have a chance to know each other expectations.Its not just responsibility from starting of their relationship but they had fun together too.
Again there are lot of successful arranged marriages and failed love marriages.All depends on the maturity of husband and wife in any kind of marriage.

 

Hi,

I agree with Nandini....personally my views on this interesting subject have changed since marriage. Before I met my husband I was a typical 19 year old Indian ladki whose shampoos and shoes were also selected by her parents and it is welcome! So at that stage the idea of selecting my own life partner was so overwhelming that the thought that my parents will choose my husband, far from scaring me, was relieving!

But then I met the man who is now my husband and everything changed! I realized the concept of 'soulmate' and that seemingly superficial words like 'selecting' and 'choosing' a life partner are not an option when you connect! It happened as naturally and gradually for me to move into the married mode with my best friend as it was for me to move from the 6th standard to the 7th standard after the summer vacation!

Now when I get an email from a friend "my marriage has been fixed on so and so date...." I get a little shiver of unknown fear for the person, before I quickly shake my head, wish for the best for her/him and shoot off the typical "wow, congratulations! may you have a happy married life" reply.

As Nandini says, arranged marriages also work as well as successful love marriages; but I believe there is a more chance of a love marriage (for want of a better word to describe a non-arranged marriage) working. I am basing this opinion after assuming maturity, realism, and the willingness and ability to compromise in marital issues. Because without these fundamental things, any kind of marriage - whether arranged or not - is likely to be more often rough than not.

However, whether both parties possess these virtues, I believe it helps a great deal to know a person and feel the "tingle" somewhere in the amygdala rather than taking the 'chance' with a relative stranger.

:thumbsup Cheers,
Sunita