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Love marriage Vs Arranged marriage?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by uma, May 22, 2006.

  1. uma

    uma Senior IL'ite

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    Its quite surprising that our forum does not having a running discussion around the advantages and disadvantages of love vs arrange marriage. As a guide for future singles, please share you opinion on whether love marriage or arranged marriage is better for the long-term happiness of the couple.

    From my part, I think arranged marriage is better because of the following.

    a. In love marriage, you start with very high expectations that were set during courtship. After marriage as those expectations are not satisfied, your disappointment starts. In arranged marriage, you start with very low (or no) expectations from your spouse. You get pleasantly surprised by everything.

    b. As parents and family helped made the marriage possible, they also feel a tacit responsibility to make the marriage work. So, they gloss over minor issues which on the other hand gets amplified in a love marriage.

    Would love to hear the thoughts of others as well.
     
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  2. sunkan

    sunkan Gold IL'ite

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    love in arranged marriage is what i seek...

    dear uma,
    as elders we all know however much we try to match horoscope and make them meet and chat for more than 6months still after marriage men and women get fed up easily these days...so this question of love and arranged is of no use now....but the elders feel oh it is no use either way trouble...but the singles may feel no no it could be different for me...this way all fall into the fire .....so the search for mr right and miss right is also tough these days...many parents have come forward to say that pl do fall in love but see to it that they belong to our caste ...though they r funny in quoting still they may have a point they r turning either escapists or want the interest of the children first...no use spending so much looking for equal status and all when two mind dont agree...so i would say u like the match let them meet mellow chat and i think by the 6th month u will come to know something missing or something good...the rapport comes and u r aware of it...that the man may be right as he is thinking alike or different still good for self and so on....then fix up a proper date and come forward....this way the entire family is with them but love takes precedence as they have made up their mind...when u say love there is no caste creed and looks and status....which in the long run may or may not benefit....my parents had a love marriage and though they were not looking happy still had grt fun together i am yet to know what rapport is that...building an image of my pop who may not on his own would had done that...in the ultimate end ,,it is the happiness of the two souls that matter most...so very very delicate a proposition.....to go by...again another sensitive subject in this forum.....regards sunkan
     
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  3. Shanthi

    Shanthi New IL'ite

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    The same age old discussion, 'Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage' which is better. I wish to share my opinions. What I discuss here is purely my opinion. Things that I did not hear or read about. Things I learned from my experiences. I do not intend to hurt anyone's feelings either. Please bear that in mind when reading.

    I am happily married to my husband whom I met in college while doing my PG. It wasn't love at first sight. I am from a middle class family. Growing up I saw a lot of things in my family and surroundings that made me have a very bad opinion about men and marriage. I viewed marriage as punishment for women. I loved my parents and never wanted to leave them. Me and my husband were good friends at first. But slowly we relaised that what we had between the two of us was more than that. There have been so many arguments I've had with myself trying to tell myself why this wasn't right. I did not plan on falling in love, it happened even without me knowing and I learned that I am in Love and nothing could change that.

    No matter what you do, or say to yourself, if you are in Love, YOU ARE IN LOVE. I don't think you have a choice. IF YOU HAVE A CHOICE THEN IT IS NOT LOVE. It took a long time to actually confess our love to each other. Ever since then we've had everyone surrounding us try to pry us apart. I had to face hell at home. Suddenly my whole world changed. Uptil that moment my home was my world. Now he was my world. We faced so much problems. But eventually we both completed our studies ( with medals and certifcates ) got good jobs all while facing so much problems. I shudder when I think about those times. Worried that my parents will get me married off or confine me to my home etc. I will not elaborate, but I really suffered. I could have put an end to all of that by just saying yes to my parents and get married to someone. But I couldn't. I could endure all those problems because of him. I will happily walk through fire if I had to for him and he would too. It is very hard to explain the feelings we had. With trouble surrounding us we found so much peace in each other.

    Finally our parents gave in and we got married. Oh boy and then we faced so much problems, with each other. I was at first devastated. How could this happen? We are soo good together. We shouldn't have any trouble. We've already faced all the trouble we had to. I was shocked, depressed, sad everytime we had problems. But slowly after talking with a lot of friends and some thinking by myself I realised Love Marriage does not mean a bed of roses. Even before marriage we had faced problems between us. We used every problem to learn more about each other. But marriage brings it's own set of problems. You have 2 new additions
    1. You start living together. You never know a person until you live with them.
    2. You now have relatives to deal with.
    People who have love marriages are human too. They make mistakes too. Every marriage needs work. I have seen that the problems I faced are no different from the problems faced by other couples. Just the normal conflicts that arise when two different people live together. In the initial months of our relationship ( in college ) itself we realised how different our likes and dislikes were. The fact that we loved each other inspite of this made our love special. I have now learned more about what it is to live with my husband. Before marriage I didn't know that I will have to make so many adjustments. I bet he didn't either. Even if I did I don't think I would have changed my mind about marrying him. I Love Him very much. I am proud that he chose me to share his life with. I have now learned ( or learning ) how to deal with problems we face.

    Even in an arranged marriage any wife/husband will go through this same process. You develop or learn these skills of adjusting with your husband. Every person is different and every wife learns how to deal with her husband in a differnet way. In an arranged marriage also you have to learn. In a love marriage also you learn. Except in a love marriage the learning starts before marriage.

    Well ofcourse in an arranged marriage you have your parents help in solving problems and in a love marriage you can't go to them because your partner is your choice. Well I personally think that in a marriage you should be able to solve your problems without involving a third person especially relatives. Friends, counsellers or even relatives who are good friends are good. But relatives hmmmm.... I don't think so. They tend to take sides and are a bit judgemental. Just my opinion.

    My Love has made me more mature, more understanding and very strong ( will power ). At the same time it has made me very vulnerable when it comes to my husband. All he has to do is frown at me and I will get very hurt. You need a lot of courage, will power and Love to go through a love marriage. If you are truely in Love I am sure you will get them automatically.

    In the end all I want to say is, I don't regret falling in love with my husband. I got a good friend as my husband. And anyday I open our letters from yesteryears I still get the tingling, goosebumpy, flying in the air feeling. I thank GOD for giving me that experience, making me fall in love with a great guy, making that guy love me the same and getting us married. Please don't get the feeling that I've had a smooth ride. There were and still will be a lot of bumps, but I face them with the confidence that they are nothing when compared to my Love for my hubby.

    Whatever the marriage, the secret is in making it work, giving it your all. Once again these are my opinions and I am sorry if anyone was hurt by them.
     
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  4. Eljaype

    Eljaype Bronze IL'ite

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    love Vs Arranged marriages

    Dear Shanthi,

    I agree whole heratedly with what you said, ie a marriage has to be worked at. Whichever type of marriage let it be, you have to have understanding, give and take policy and most of all patience.

    I had an arranged marriage, I didn't even talk to him before the D-Day. After that we tried very hard to understand eachother. The main point here is that, both of us were from different environments. Brought up was different. In their house they never sit in a place where their father was, don't talk back to him...and the like.

    But in our house it was different. Only thing was that my father was a strict person but was very friendly and we could tell him what we thought. I found it very difficult when I got in. I was the first person to start talking to my FIL calling him 'ACCHHA' (father in malayalam), all the time. Slowly everything changed in that house also.

    Like that if we have a mind and enough patience , we can do whatever we want.
    All the best
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2006
  5. NAFIHA M.T

    NAFIHA M.T New IL'ite

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    I fully agree with the view of shanti as i am a person who had gone through or going through the experiences she had..


    my regards to all..

    Nafi
     
  6. Angellheartuk

    Angellheartuk New IL'ite

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    A understanding of marriage for me.


    Dear Shanthi,
    I read your post and I went through similar experiences as yourself. I supposedly had a love marriage come arrange. I met my husband in India while I was studying. Even though I had in my mind it could never materialise because my father would never agree to it and because of the caste barriers. We finally married after foreseeing a lot of problems and I too suffered a lot.

    Before marriage my husband was my best friend with whom Id share my joy and sadness, I'd ring him up any time to confide in him and he would always make it better and always make me smile. He would ring my mum to tease her my brother to joke with him up. He would have a great relation with my sister and all this joy made me feel happy that this is the person whom I want to live not only a passing moment but a life time with. We would have our moments but they were always because of the distance of not being together. His father was so keen on this marriage to take place and it happened.

    I absolutely agree with you when you say "
    People who have love marriages are human too. They make mistakes too. Every marriage needs work", the first few weeks of my marriage was hell, my in-laws withdraw any support and any communication from me. I was left in devastation, I had no friends and no family around and the very first people I confided within, misconstrued the very truth to present unjustly to my husband and this led to misunderstandings between us. And some people just kept interfering at every given time of day with no respect of our new relation.


    In spite of the promises my husband made he changed which left me in shock and in a depressive state and I become really sad within. Specially confused to a point I wasn't even sure what I should do day in day out. Your right a love marriage does not mean it’s a bed of rose's, it isn't. What I have learnt is that, every relation needs time to develop, time to adjust and time to eventually have a mutual understanding. Just like planting a seed, the way you nurture it, determines it evolvement.

    After few months in to my marriage I left to be with my family for few weeks as I had no one from my husbands house neither to talk to me to or make me feel that I was married. I never knew the significance of my visit to my parents meant it was an end of marriage from their end. Its unfortunate. Even though I love my husband and respect him a lot I did not have any support from his side to over see the issues which accumulated more from his side.

    I like to think and always pray in some sense that my husband would understand that a marriage needs time. That we can make it work and It can work. What I have learnt over time is that a relation which is distant never works as you cant see each others expressions nor can talk through things in a manner you need too. A relation takes a lot of give and take and the foundations always need some understanding with some compromises both ends. I guess this is a learning curve for every couple who marry but what is required is both individuals to have that patience in order for that relation to grow.

    Overall, there are many factors which really hinder a relation and you only need combination of few factors to make a marriage work, firstly a husband who recognise what problems are hindering the marriage and what is needed from him. Secondly in-laws who need to give you space and respect.

    I still love my husband and can do anything for him but without support and understanding its very difficult to run a one sided marriage let it be love or arranged. This is my own experience.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2006
  7. Eljaype

    Eljaype Bronze IL'ite

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    interference by inlaws

    Dear Angel,

    It is there in both types of marriages. Unnecessary interference. I have seen it affecting many newly marrieds' lives.
    Not only in laws, sometimes even parents unwittingly do this and spoil their son's or daughter's life. They give unwanted comments, advice etc. ,as if they know everything.
    For the arranged marriages, I can tell you from my experiance, that you have no preconceived notions and you are ready to fall in the line and accept what is given. But in love marriages, the partners tend to know only the good side which is shown, during the courting time.
    In marriage, we have to be together all the 24 hours. It will bring to light all that were hidden and not shown while courting. The men when they are in love , are different from the married ones. That is only after marriage they start thinking about their parents and siblings. Possessiveness comes in next and the trouble starts.
    Anyway, I will pray for your husband to understand you and come back to you. All the best for you dear,
    Latha
     
  8. Angellheartuk

    Angellheartuk New IL'ite

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    Thankyou Latha


    Hi Latha,


    Your very correct in saying that you need to be with your partner 24 hours. I guess in my situation I was to naïve to think that they would'nt go to a level of actually strategising ways to end my marriage.

    Comments were part of it, unwanted advice was part of it then came the humiliation in public in which my parents really put their foot down in anger of hearing such words said about their daughter. I guess every parent would.

    Even ringing him would be problematic on their side. What can any newly wed feel with all this going on? All I needed was him. I really appreciated that he actually came to see me but that was it..

    I love my husband a lot but I think at times maybe it would have been better if I had listened to my parents.
    Thank you for your prayers, they are very much needed at this present moment.

    God Bless
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2006
  9. Eljaype

    Eljaype Bronze IL'ite

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    Being Naive..

    Dear Angel,

    That happens dear, when you are newly married and with lots of dreams in your eyes, you tend to believe each and everyone of the new family. Someimes these people shatter your dreams just like that. It is a play for them. They don't think twice about the feelings of the new bride.

    Now it is very late for you to think like that, ie to have listened to your parents. You repent now but then if you had listened to your parents and got married to someother person, your thinking would have been different. So quit that sort of thinking.

    Hope God listens to all of our prayers and comes to help you and bring both of you together. Believe in HIM. HE always does what he feels is good for us. He'll show you the way.

    Love
    Latha :wave
     
  10. Ashna

    Ashna Bronze IL'ite

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    God knows the best

    Hi Lata,

    I would just say that God knows best we here try to wish for members judging on what they write but the case could be opposite too. They might not always be what they write or portray. So while wishing for them we could cursing the genuine people.
    In my opinion Good always prevails and evil has to have it end sooner or later. As i always say that God has his own ways and his ways are best. He tests and helps people who are right and there is always punishment for wrong though judgement might come late. But it surely comes one day
     

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