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Losing Mental Balance - Need help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rinapt, Jan 23, 2014.

  1. rinapt

    rinapt New IL'ite

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    Hello All, I am in the worst frame of mind as I write my story. I am not able to cope with the struggles of married life. I will try to be as articulate as possible.

    I have been married for more than 7 years. It was an arranged marriage, arranged by parents. Soon after marriage problems started creeping up. I will write in order how problems started creeping up and what is the state today. Writing specific details would be make the post too long.

    1. Soon after marriage my husband never valued me. My MIL treated me as maid. My SIL trashed me at every opportunity she got. For instance, SIL, MIL and H told that my parents had not pure silver items but fake silver items in my marriage and they all laughed. They made fun of my appearance. SIL claimed I had grey hair because I had applied Loreal soft brown hair color. I was a bit on the fashionable side during my college days (I like to try out new hairstyles, make up and clothing - I was cheerful and full of life. Before my marriage - life used to be so much fun and life itself was a celebration to me) These are some examples of the ridicule I have faced as a new bride in that house. BIL also insulted me.

    2. H never valued me - He was oogling at my friends who came to my wedding. On my wedding night, he asked me to introduce my friend to him and told me that my friend looked lovely during my reception. He keeps oogling at women and does not think it is wrong. We didnt go to honeymoon because he would miss his sister.

    3. After my child was born he felt too burdened and left me alone to fend for myself. He came back after 2 years. When ever I tried to go to his home, he would go to office in the morning and his mother would give me a horrible time. I even had to struggle to get warm water to bathe my child. My husband never believed me and continued supporting his mother.

    4. By the 3rd year of my marriage I was emotionally checked out of the relationship. I was living with my parents. I did not want to go back to him but my parents pressured me to go back to him because they did not want to keep a married daughter home. I did not have the money to live independently and take care of a child. So I went back to him

    5. Things did not improve after I went back to my husband. Continuous bullying and manipulating continued. His oogling and indecent behavior behind women continued without shame. I stopped have physical contact with him because of this. Fights on petty issues continued. Examples of fights - He would empty hot water from the tank and expect me to take cold water shower. When I made him wait for the water to heat up he would argue argue argue argue that water is warm enough for me to take bath. If I by mistake took a wrong route, he would yell at me and scold me. If I would go a few minutes late to school to pick up my child, he would be so rude to me till I cried. He claims I don't do any work while I take up 90% of household work. He often would tell that he should have called off the wedding and he knew it would not work out. He thinks it is fun to have another wife alongside me so that one can do household work and the other can be by his side. I developed different kinds of stress related illness.

    6. He speaks a lot of pervert and cheap things which I dont like. When ever I am speaking to him anything, he ignores me. Because of this ignoring, I have stopped speaking to him. He also does not care to initiate a talk with me. It has been 2 months since we have spoken to each other.

    Is this the last stage of this marriage. Should I simply end this marriage. He does not want to initiate divorce. He asks me to initiate divorce. My parents would not support me if I initiate divorce. I do have a good job but am not sure I can manage the child alone with my job. Please suggest me what to do. I feel life as burden and punishment now.
     
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  2. MaliniHari

    MaliniHari Gold IL'ite

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    Hugs, dear. I am very sorry about the things that you are going through. Please understand that a marriage stands on mutual respect and trust. I am so not sure what were you waiting for. Please initiate a divorce. From your words, I see he does not deserve you. Please get out of this relnship.

    I understand the pains you have gone through. However, you are educated and you should be able to decide on how to live. Your parents - I feel that they are in the social pressure. But never mind. If possible, make them understand. If not, go ahead with your job and start living with your kid.

    A relnship should not have a dilemma. There is no point in living with a person who does not understand you and support you. Remember, you have not pawned your life for him. Moreover, let your kid not grow up in a place where he/she sees a woman being insulted. It would affect the kid too one day.

    You have everything to lead a life, especially your job! You seem educated, a woman with self respect! So please go ahead, start a new life. I would not say it is going to be easy. But it would be challenging! Come on, rise from your ashes! Good luck and my prayers for you!
     
  3. hmishra

    hmishra Platinum IL'ite

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    I'm not to be giving suggestions.. you are the best person to know how u feel. Clearly you are not happy, and clearly the guy will never change. And looks impossible to me to be living like this for the whole life..
    You need to talk to your parents and tell them your situation..

    I dont know the law, but financially i m assuming the father has to financially still support u after divorce. Not sure. I'd suggest talk to your parents, consult a lawyer.. u are working!! Have no fear.. ask friends to help you out.. such situations close friends who understand will help.. I see no point staying with that man.
     
  4. Marun

    Marun Platinum IL'ite

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    Don't know how to console you.

    But keep one thing clearly in mind. Don't initiate the divorce thing yourself. Let him do it if he wish.

    Would suggest you to find a job first!
     
  5. shruthisp

    shruthisp Gold IL'ite

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    I m concerned about the subject of this thread. Is any reason in the world worth to lose mental balance of a once vibrant lively person or any simple person for that matter. You have a child who is dependent on you.. What sort of environment / support you are going to give to your child. Empower yourself first, do whatever it takes to do that first.. Be it getting additional education, training, job, creating your own circle, be it anything.. Once you gain it you will know what to do next.. But don't let this pervert walk away easily...
     
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  6. anjivicky

    anjivicky Bronze IL'ite

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    I agree with Marun. Please don't initiate a divorce yourself. Since you have a job, why bother ? You are already financially independent. Become emotionally independent too. Focus entirely on your kid, and don't give a damn about the drooler. Consider him as some cat or dog coming in and going out of your house. Stay in the same house, yet prove him that you don't need him for anything. That is the best punishment that you can give back a pervert. This way you can satisfy your parents, and lead a contented life yourself. All the best!
     
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  7. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    As someone else suggested, try to be as disconnected as possible from him and your married life. Avoid scenarios where he can bother you. Looks like you are already working and have a good job which is great. See if you can spend as little time as possible at home. I understand you have a kid, maybe you and kid spend sometime outside home, at a park, a friend's house, library, etc. The kid and you will be happier; in any case, I don't believe your present home environment is good for the kid.

    I don't know which country you reside in but if in US, it is relatively safe for you to live alone with a kid, so if you do not forsee any huge scenes and problems, maybe you can move to a small apartment with your kid about 30-60 minutes away from home but close to work - this way maybe he can visit you and the kid over the weekends if he is interested. Looks like he did the same thing for you for 2 years when he abandoned you and the kid, so why should he have a problem if you do the same now.

    Also, you wrote 6 reasons why you want to divorce him. Do you have at least 3 why you would want to stay with him? Preferrably not related to social or financial security?
     
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  8. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Its a high time you end this marriage.How much you earn.I feel you could increase your earning as your experience grows.Its going to be difficult to raise child alone but still better that what you are going through.
     
  9. shantana

    shantana Platinum IL'ite

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    hugs to u dear. i have not words to console u. but as prev posters had suggested, take up job and be independent. let that man initiate the divorce if he wants too.
    if ur MIL refused to look after ur kid, get help ur ur family or send to baby sitter or day care.
     
  10. rinapt

    rinapt New IL'ite

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    Thank you all for supporting. I really dont know how things will turn out after divorce. My salary is ok, enough to lead a decent life. I cannot lead an extravagant life with my salary alone. More important than that how will my parents and relatives take it. I have a sister who is yet to be married. Will my parents support my decision. Most likely no, they will not support my decision. I will end up baby sitting my parents and consoling them every minute. Even if I divorce without my parents knowledge, once they come to know they will start pestering me to get married again - which will be another disaster. I want to stay alone with my kid.

    I feel pathetic at this marriage because I dont feel I am married. I cook my own food, he does not even eat what I cook. When I cook at home, he goes out and eats alone. So I stoppped cooking for myself. He goes to one place and I go to another have dinner alone and come back. Yesterday I tried to strangulate myself and my throat is hurting so much, am not even feeling motivated to go see a doctor. Who knows doctor might suspect suicide attempt and make it a police case. Husband thinks I am crying wolf trying to seek his attention. Why are things falling apart like this.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2014

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