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Losing It Completely .

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Shreema86, Oct 10, 2017.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    A potent,sexually normal man will not stay away from intimacy because wife does not talk much or is not social.This is victim blaming.

    Do people even understand what asexuality means or may be what happens when gays gets into heterosexual marriages.

    When saying ,'divorce is not a solution for everything' ,do people even realise what a sexless ,childless marriage with no emotional and physical closeness means ?

    People with normal married lives cannot walk in their shoes.
    A sex less un consummated marriage is not even a marriage legally .
     
    Rihana, SunPa, NeetaR and 6 others like this.
  2. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    Why do people say that? It's such a bizarre blanket statement? Divorce is only the solution for a bad marriage. No one likes to define dysfunctional marriages as bad. I wonder why
     
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  3. Indira28

    Indira28 Senior IL'ite

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    Yes thats true.. if that person is a potent or a homosexual..
    Asexuality doesnt mean the person is potent or homosexual.
    Some people are neutral to sex, some are repulsed by the idea, and some actually have an interest in sex, but only in very specific circumstances..There are many different kinds.. Drs would explain the better meaning of it.

    Walking into just the shoes of one person will not give a solution in married life.
    I have 2 friends who came across such a situation. When my friend complained ..we all thought that the man was potent..but when they went for counselling it was the girl who was unwilling but just blaming..now they have a kid and live a happy married life..

    other frnd also had a similar issue..but that man became better after few counselling sessions..and they have 2 kids with a lovely life..

    I meant to say divorce is not the solution.. just to try out all the positive possible ways..bec she mentioned that person is a good person.

    If things are proved all wrong then there is no use in that marriage..
     
  4. madras2018

    madras2018 Finest Post Winner

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    My ex was a "good person" too. Except he was dead lazy with zero motivation to acknowledge or solve the problem. He was a good person but he couldnt adhere to a diet or a fitness regimen to try and take charge of his health which was affecting both of our lives. He was a good person - only that he thought i was oversexed cos i kept talking abt the lack of sex in our newly married life. He was a nice guy but refused to see a counsellor beyond 1 sitting cos his mummy and daddy told him that a third person cannot solve our problems. He was a great guy and went with the reasoning him and his parents came up with for his asexuality - i was the cause !!

    My marriage counsellor said once that a marriage is salvageable only if both parties take the effort. Not by the superhuman effort of a single person. Nor can a marriage be sustained through sacrifice of basic essentials.

    So in effect - someone being a nice guy isnt good enough of a reason to stay. Actually If he was really a nice guy he wld do his part to keep his woman. If he is too lazy for that then he has effectively driven his wife out & the woman cannot be blamed for wanting to leave.
     
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  5. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you to all of you who could understand my situation and offer wise kind words.it meant a lot to me..even to those who think that I can probably make this work somehow, I understand that its not because of any wrong intention but unless we go through something we can never truly understand someone else's pain.. I don't know what future holds . I am in my early thirties , but feel I have had enough of life already.Only thing that keeps me going is my strong spiritual belief what we have a very benevolent god above and all pain is only temporary.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    You say that your husband is asexual. And there is not even emotional connection in your marriage.
    Staying in this marriage for financial reasons seems stupid for me. Because, you lack self esteem and you believe you are worthless on your own.
    This is very wrong.

    The other day, I saw a woman - begging in our streets to feed her 2 young kids. She was single, yet courageous to face the life. I offered her a temporary job to work as a cleaner in my estate, and she is progressing well in life happily.

    If this uneducated, middle aged single woman with 2 young kids has hopes about her future, and if she has courage to face her future on her own, then what stops you educated woman?
    You - an educated, young woman with a career (however small it may be), with little family support is definitely in a better position to face life than her. Yet, you feel inferior and scared about loneliness.

    A marriage without sex and emotional bonding is not a marriage at all. Your H is not a companion to depend on.
    Self dependence is the only solution to face life at this dire circumstance.

    Accept the fact that your H is asexual and there is no emotional bond to depend on him....
    After accepting this, it would become easy to focus on something that is promising in life. Be it your career, studies, relatives etc...

    For now focus on your career. If your present job doesn't suit your passion, then look for something that meets your desires.
    I worked in a bank, but I didnt like that job. I love to work in community services sector, but my family objected it saying this field has no future. But I followed my heart. I usually follow my instinct whenever there is a major decision in life.
    I followed my passion, and I reached to the high levels very quickly. My salary is multiple times bigger than a bankers salary today.
    Now that I love my job, and my office has become my second home.

    Once you are self dependent, then chose your life path from that point onwards.
    Make a bold decision, and quit the marriage should you feel so.
    Move on in life. Make new friendships with those who connect with your soul.
    Who knows, someday you may find you soulmate somewhere. Have hopes in life.
     
  7. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    I love the field I work in, I have no complaints there. Just need to boost my social skills. If my husband was unkind, mean , conservative or controlling or if I had bad inlaws , I would have walked away without any second thought . What's making it difficult for me to leave is that I have a lot of space, freedom in this relationship. My husband has helped me in my career,makes sure my life is comfortable,just an eg, he will fill petrol in my car , prepare dinner etc., inlaws have been very good , I have no expectations thrust upon me. Although it doesn't compensate for lack of love , it's still an emotional factor. Maybe i am being an emotional fool , but ya this is how I feel conflicted
     
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  8. lavani

    lavani Bronze IL'ite

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    on a lighter note, i was randomly browsing movies . saw this bengali movie in netflix. subtitles :)

    Shaheb Bibi Golaam

    really liked the way. apart from usual drama. it was about a housewife who is sexually frustrated of not having any intimacy in her marriage and hence resorts to outside relationships.

    i am not saying that was the right thing, but it showed how much frustration was built up on that woman.

    just my stupid rants :)
     
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  9. liya1984

    liya1984 Bronze IL'ite

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    @Shreema86 - happened to see this now and am sharing this with you....

     
  10. hino

    hino Bronze IL'ite

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    I may be wrong . let me tell you few points to check .

    1. Is he not interested with you or anyone else ?. Check it out . Check his networking sites , friends ,whatsapp conversations and etc. If he is happy outside, he doesn't need this at home. Do some ground work before taking the decision.
    2. Is he also frustrated like you as well?. Did you open up the conversation and talk?.
    3. Is he shy ?. Doesn't initiate at all?.
     
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