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Losing It Completely .

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Shreema86, Oct 10, 2017.

  1. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    Overall I am a positive person , but I am only human and sometimes I drown in self pity , but thankfully this phase doesn't last long . I know everyone has problems , but sometimes you just can't see that. Thanks for the advice, will keep in mind.
     
  2. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    Is being asexual an attitude or a deliberate negligence or a physical mental health problem.
     
  3. Ineedhelp1

    Ineedhelp1 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I understand how you feel. I have gone through all these stages of emotions. I am someone sailing in the same boat. But I am one step ahead of you. I 100% believe this is a curable disease but just because of ego/attitude problem it is sucking life out of us.

    In my case there was not even single person to support me. If you have any last ray of hope then you should come out. I agree it is not an easy step but else you have to deal with this guilt for life long. @madras2018 this post is a ray of hope.

    I got married in the hope I can have a full family with h and his parents. I wanted a complete family. Yes I wanted my inlaws to stay with me. I treated them like my own parents. but..!

    In my case to realize this is not a normal marriage it took some time. Even after realizing I was not sure what to do next? I was wondering how to share about this problem to parents? Whom to tell, what to do? How to do? I had no idea. (I wish if I knew about Indusladies at that time!) My MIL knew about this. She used to taunt me. “She is very romantic but he (her son) is opposite”. She compared my life with my co-sis .Where my co-sis were on cloud 9 all the time! The more I kept ignoring MIL taunts, the more she made my life hell. I was in dilemma if I should deal the pain of h’s ignorance or the taunts of MIL!

    Finally one day I confronted my h if he is not thinking about growing the family then I will walk out of this marriage. He was not ready to let me walk out. I conceived within a month. But again he wanted to wait for 3 months to share the news.

    Inbetween the same MIL spread the rumor "DIL don't want kids", “DIL is not ready to see doctor" people asked my parents "why she is not seeing a doctor". I was crunched. I was broken into pieces. I was already pregnant at that time!(we were abroad) When I look back I have no idea how I crossed all those stages and still surviving with the same person!

    Right now I have my dd and I have my job. I asked my h either he see doctor/counseling else I will walk out for sure. He is going for counseling. I don’t know what future hold for me.

    But all I can say is either confront your h and make him to go for counseling else walk out of this marriage. Do it before it is too late. I hope you are not cursed with such a MIL.

    But I accepted the fact I am not blessed enough to have a big family. My family is me and my dd.
     
  4. Ineedhelp1

    Ineedhelp1 Senior IL'ite

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    You should have done some homework before giving / asking such gyan!
     
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  5. lavani

    lavani Bronze IL'ite

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    I agree . Though divorce is not the solution for every issue. But if no steps are taken, then after you are old, you just become 1 depressed woman who even kids don;y find to be with.
     
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  6. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you for your advice @Ineedhelp1 . . my in laws are very nice , no complaints there. There s no chance of any kind of revival of this marriage now. except that we stay under one roof our interaction is minimal.I don't believe there is any solution for asexuality and to add to that general incompatibility. I am just biding my time , I want to be on sure footing when I walk out ... I don't care about anything else but I want my life to be still as comfortable as possible even if I stay alone.

     
  7. madras2018

    madras2018 Finest Post Winner

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    Ladies

    Please do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty abt wanting to quit a sexless marriage. Those making comparisons to other unrelated problems like money or other physical ailments...probably have no practical experience with this kind of problem.

    It is all well and easy to advise other women while one enjoys a reasonably satisfactory marriage with sex included in whatever frequency greater than zero. Only women who have been burnt before can truly understand the painful place the OPs post or cry of help comes from.

    Let me add one more thing - to subject a normal, vibrant human being, male or female, to a life long colorless and sexless marriage in the prime of their life is absolutely cruel. When i was single i did not realize how impt sex and intimacy was to a marriage. It didnt seem like a deal breaker or a super big deal to be honest. After my experience i realized how wrong i was.

    I put a brave face throughout my marriage and eventual divorce. When i look at my pictures from my childhood it makes me cry to think the unhappy life the young girl wld go on to face after marriage. A death of childhood dreams and fantasties of a happily ever after. I regret the loss of 5 years of my life. I regret losing the most fertile years of my life in a dead end marriage. I regret that i wasted the gift of fertility on a man who had no appreciation for me as a woman or really valued having a family. I regret that i am now needlessly saddled with a divorcee tag for no fault of mine, automatically making me ineligible to so many eligible men. I regret the suffering i put myself through to stay in the marriage as long as i did just because i struggled with my fears and how i will be perceived if i divorced.

    There ! I dont have any more tears to cry because those tears arent going to turn back time. It is heart breaking and i wld only use my experience to caution other women.. to urge them to do what they feel right to get what they deserve cos ain't nobody bothered abt your happiness except you !
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2017
    SunPa, Shreema86, lavani and 11 others like this.
  8. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Bronze IL'ite

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  9. ashwinid01

    ashwinid01 Silver IL'ite

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    Shreema,

    I am so sorry for the Situation you're in. You are a Kind soul who is still thinking about your husband inspite of such tough life. I am not sure how long have you been married. But I can assume it has been quite sometime.
    I agree with every word of @madras2018.
    Indian society has become more accepting, you ll not be labelled for divorcing. I only wish that you just think about yourself.
     
    Shreema86 likes this.
  10. Indira28

    Indira28 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Shreema,


    I read this somewhere.
    If there is a problem and it has a solution then why should you worry about it.
    If there is a problem and it has no solution then what is the use of worrying about it.

    When ever i am stuck in a problematic situation. i keep thinking of this.
    As a human its very hard to get over it..

    But think from the solution perspective and not just think of the problem.
    Find out the root cause. Whether the problem is with you..
    some ppl may be liked by many friends and they may be very social outside but when it comes to family they may be a hard core. Family might name them differently . very silent person..not social etc.
    So we have to really think about ourself from others perspective. Are we behaving the same way to others. Family spends more time with us and they are the ones who know our true nature. A mother is a person who knows you far better than any1.
    So try to think what change can be done to you. Start from yourself.
    Then think of the things you can change in your hubby. Whether it is physical problem or mental problem.
    Both of you can go for a counselling. First give it a try before breaking it into pieces.

    Marriage will not be the same as we imagined during our college days..cinematic..in real things are different..
    and divorce is not a solution for everything. So work towards the solution first..Try all the possible ways..
    Just think..What are the things i have to change inside me and outside ..for me to be happy..and keep my loved oneshappy.

    And work towards it.
    Believe in yourself and the power above us.
    That ll shw you the right path.
    Don't lose hope dear.
    Be Happy..
    Take care..
     
    paru123 likes this.

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