longing for privacy...

Pooja,

Take your hubby's suggestion and do as he says. This way you two are on same page. But be warned. Keep a very thick skin. If you want to make them understand your point you have to be little tough and hard-hearted. No means no. If you leave to library saying you need to study dont expect to come back and find everything neat and tidy and food cooked ready on the table for you. You may find everything is as you left it and waiting for you to come and do the work like cleaning or cooking. So remove that expectation from your mind now itself. Warn your hubby clearly now itself that you intend to carry his suggestion thru this tiime, eat lunch and dinner outside, come back and go straight to sleep or to your room to study more. After couple days or weeks of doing this only they will get the message.

Good Luck!

 

pooja keep a clear funda.. when ppl invite themselves they have to take care of themselves.
These are special demerits of staying together.. also in combined family setups bedrooms are the only privacy points and one cant compare to the bigger areas that nuclear families get.
Yes.. daughters have the right to enter their parent's house at any given time/ any duration.... be it your funded house or theirs... whether they get along with your or they dont. They dont count convinience of DIL cos frankly speaking there wud never be a convinient time for her to invite ppl to erode her privacy, confidence and self respect. If someone is on good terms with their DIL/SIL such questions/ situations never arise.

Dont do things that are not your regular schedule.
Remain in your bedroom, am sure you'll be asked to come out on pretext of something or the other and worst case MILs who instigate the grand child to call the mother or MAMI to make sure you have no time of your own... believe me it shall take only once to tell the child.. pls request your grandma as am occupied with X,Y. Even if she enters your bedroom dont get up to make place for her.. keep lying if you're really tired/ or study if thats your schedule.... and let her know.. none of her antics can deter you from doing what you are.

Some women keep watching TV lying on sofa or bed and can really not understand why their DIL might need a 10 min rest when up from 5:30 am and after returning from work. Their peanut size brain can only comprehend that in office your manager laid a big cushioned sofa with daily soaps running on a big LED screen and remote in your hand and told you rest as much as you can...... and they were left in home making lunches for their husband they might be hating to core.

 

Pooja,

It is understandable that you are feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Often we speak out only when we reach such a point. But unfortunately all the emotions we feel can cloud our minds and that makes taking a good decision tough. Look at it this way, It is only for 1.5 yrs more. If you struggled this long then keep quiet for little longer and finish your exams somehow. It is always a good idea to give ultimatum from a position of strength not a position of weakness. You are asking why I should do this and that when it is my house. But if you get stuck on this point and screw up your exams then even that way out will be closed to you. Think this way that you have to do like this max 1.5 yrs till you clear your exams. After that you give your h ultimatum or whatever you want. This is my suggestion to you.

 

Pooja, all your questions are valid questions. I have been into the same situation. My SILs were in the same city. One of my sil soon after her marriage declared that she could not stand her ILs even for a moment, so the moment her DH stepped out of house, she used to come to our home, her DH would also come to our home after he finished work.This happened almost everyday and they had to be looked after like guests. Other sil also dropped in unannounced, whenever she wanted to. I was never informed of their visits in advance. They also planned to meet each other and even their friends at our home. If they wanted to meet their friends or other relatives, they invited them to our home. If I had other plans, I was asked to cancel them.

I can thus totally understand your pain. It is not a very common problem. I haven't seen this happening in any one else's home. And sadly only people who go through this can understand the real gravite of your situation and your despair.

But my situation changed after we moved from that city. Although I still have to endure my MIL and NRI hypocrites, when I look back, I think I am now in a much better situation. I have to say that I was so frustrated with the set up that I was at the brink of ending my life. My life revolved only and only around sils. It was like there was nothing else left in my life. It took me ten years to reach that point.

But, your future doesn't look that bleak. You are a budding dentist and you can look forward to a great career. My suggestion would be, concentrate only and only your career. Don't give any thought to your ILs. Just look after yourself. Don't think about what others are thinking of you. Do whatever you like. Think of your home as a students' hostel. And please don't plan another pregnancy in the near future. Like Sandhya suggested postpone all your decisions until you clear all your exams.

 

Pooja no point in fighting a battle at the wrong time.. u'll loose marriage as well as ur specialization... and many more months of trauma and getting back to studies. No need of ultimatums as of now.. cos thats not your current goal... keep focused on your studies.
At this moment its best to live like a guest in your own house and not serve anyone... once you cut off completely on serving the unending list of ppl parading in the house which you assume as YOURS and they ASSUME as THEIRS............. your MIL shall be forced to tell her daughters to do the needful and they might reduce the frequency.

Yes as someone said.. start living as you live in a Hostel for the time there are hostile ppl around you with varied goals in life. In hostels also a lot of things happen in room via roommates and TV room via other hostelites which are a deterrent to studies... but once you master the art of concentration... these irritants fly off.

 

Thought I would add some more suggestions:
- Since it's your home, put large affirmations everywhere in the house especially kitchen, fridge door to motivate you to go back to studies.
- Put a sign of 'do not disturb' on your door, when you lock yourself inside.
- Assign your SILs tasks to do like can you do this/ that. can you bring this with you. Can you buy this on your way. Make sure your list is long.
This worked for me sometimes. When my SIL used to come to the kitchen and ask me should I help, earlier I used to say- I will manage. Later on I started telling her what help I needed from her. To which she would say- Oh, I am getting late, I have to go.