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longing for privacy...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by poojachinoy, Jan 20, 2012.

  1. poojachinoy

    poojachinoy Gold IL'ite

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    i am back yet again...as i had stated earlier in my previous thread that my mother in law was giving me a very hard time especially while i was pregnant...and i had miscarried....after which again they started to give me a hard time,on which i too shouted back at them...things were normal for some days after that,atleast on the sufrace of it....now my problem is one of my sil is moving over to a place nearby my place..like an hour n half drive...and my fil is suggesting that they should live with us and his husband can stay there for his job...though these discussions are not made infront of me...the house we stay in is brought mainly by my husband and a minor contribution is from my fil for the down payment...the entire mortgage now is being paid by my husband...technically the house is in his name...and he said he will add my name to it..which i dont know when..i dont even ask him..but thats what he had said me once himself..but my in laws act as if its their house n their daughters place..they said me they plan to make this house as their base(meaning that the sils can visit anytime and its their pad)...my sils come over to our place without informing me or my husband..they just let my inlaws know and cum over..and stay for a month or so..this time she is planning to stay for a longer time..i dont know till when...but my major problem is i have my second exam coming up...and my exam is due when she will be over..the last time too they did the same thing..i had to postpone my exam...i was pregnant that time...anyways,now this time i mite be pregnant by that time again,i dont know,plus have my exam...i feel so frustrated even thinking about the situation...my husband is like a spectator to it..he is not going to take a stand i believe...what do i do......
     
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  2. poojachinoy

    poojachinoy Gold IL'ite

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    she has her husband and kids...and whenevr she is over she leaves the kids at my place stating that her mother will take care of them...but in the end its me who takes care of them while she is out shopping and all :( ....she does help in cooking and everything...thats not the problem here..but i have no say in my own home..i feel sooo down..there is no place to call as my home....no privacy....since i got married and came here my in laws are with me only..i used to study,cook,clean all while i was pregnant...now i feel so burnt out..i have the tension of my exam..my family to start..and they sit and call every one possible...i have no say and me and my hisband are just mute spectators...
     
  3. AnanyaAjay

    AnanyaAjay Silver IL'ite

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    I think you speak to your DH and make him understand that he has his own life too.. WHen wil lhe start his family? Talk to him that its not a problem looking after parents, but there is a limit. SIL is only good for 2-3 days, max 1 week. Why is she leaving her kids here? WHy do you take care of them? U tell that u have exams and lock the room and study. Dont do any of their work. If your MIL has called them, let her serve them. Why do u bother?

    Ur DH should speak to them and take necessary steps. If you tell no one will accept it. Make ur DH speak to them.

    IS ur DH only son? I mean if he has a bro, he can send his parents to him for sometime and that time you can enjoy the privacy.. If he is the only son,, then there is no choice for you other than making things clear. Coz this is not a matter of one or 2 days. Its for lifetime. And that too you knew before that he is the only son, then you should be ready for living with your PILs.

    Speak to ur hubby first and see what happens.
     
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  4. poojachinoy

    poojachinoy Gold IL'ite

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    thankz for your reply ananya..yes,my DH is the only son..i am ready to live with him and his parents..but not with the sils..they keep dropping in every 3-4 months...like its their parents place and they have every right to do so...its too much intrusion...even if sils come they can come for 15 days or so...once in a fixed period of time..the just keep dropping whenever they have holidays...n stay for almost a month or more...plus they dont even inform me or my husband..ok if not me,atleast my husband should be informed...my DH is the youngest one so they dominate him n inturn me every time..but unlike my DH i dont let them walk all over me...i do take some stands...but i need to be more firm i believe...

    more inputs ladies please..
     
  5. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, just inform your MIL that you want to seriously prepare this time. Don't ask her anything; just tell her. Then like Ananya suggested, lock yourself up in your room and don't bother about anything else. Else get to the library or something and eat lunch/dinner outside. Develop thick skin and do not bother about unreasonable people. You can try asking your DH to talk to them first, but do not bank on him. It's your life and your exams, your career. 10 years later, you will feel very bad if you did not achieve what you wanted because you were disturbed by SIL and her family. Will make you ask yourself why you were not stronger earlier.

    They are going to be least bothered about whether you clear your exams or not. Look out for yourself.
    Try and get out of the house to study, and when you come back, greet them with a smiling face and go to bed. Next day, repeat.

    The younger co-sister of one of my aunts was in a similar situation. She did what I have suggested to you above. The first time, everyone was appalled but then it grew on them. Now she is well-qualified and in a very good job. ILs are proud of her and she holds her own against them in the house (she had a lot of problems initially with them).

    GL for your exams!
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2012
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  6. riyagan

    riyagan Gold IL'ite

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    how ur hubby wud feel if u bring ur sibling every holidays and let them stay with u for long days...talk to ur hubby and make him understand.. then let him do the necessary talk.. i hope things turn out positively for u..becas i know how exactly it feels...good luck
     
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  7. mybaby1

    mybaby1 Gold IL'ite

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    Yes you are absolutely right you have to be more firm now.SILs take their fathers or brothers place as same and take it to be their first right over them forgetting this that if their husbands place is theirs then the same is with their brothers wife too..You just stop being so nice to them and concentrate on your exams and your family planning. If poissible move to your parents place during your pregnancy as it will be good for your mental peace and the SIL and MIL both will find how the things are when you are not there to take care of them and sil children.
    Even if you are there you just lock yourself in your room to study and don't pay any heed to her children when she is not there let MIL handle them then she herself will know either how to handle or to ask her daughter to take them along.
    State your H clearly that you are unable to take all this anymore.once you have suffered and it was your bith baby who only you both have lost not anyone else and because of all this and now you dont want the same to happen again.and don't forget to mention how no one is bothered about you miscarrage and see again they are doing the same..
    lets see hope it helps...
     
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  8. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    You said you are never informed about their visits , so how do you know if she will be visiting you during your exams? Are you sure about her visit?
    If you were not informed but you know, you can be proactive and call her and tell her to visit you after your exams, tell her you will be free then and you can do stuff together. If she says but she is coming earlier, then you can tell her that's sad because you will be busy and won't be able to give her company but it will be nice that she can help her mother with housework while you can prepare for exams. :cheersIf she comes, let her do all the housework, and you only study. If they invite themselves to your home, that's the best treatment they can get.

    Girl, I feel really really sorry for you.
     
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  9. poojachinoy

    poojachinoy Gold IL'ite

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    i really luvd your suggestion..thats what my husband is suggesting..but getting hard to follow...but,i should stop having awaiting for an ideal situation to develop and crobbing away..i think i just need to focus..thanks a lot!!
     
  10. poojachinoy

    poojachinoy Gold IL'ite

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    sheztheone-thanks a lot for your reply...my husband is suggesting the same thing as you have..i guess i need to stop cribbing about things and stop awaiting for an ideal situation..will just try to stay focussed..

    riyagan-yea,me too am going to ask my DH the same thing that how would he feel if my siblings were over during all their holidays...thanks for ur post!

    mybaby-i dont have any of my relatives here in states..so cant move to anyones place...i will talk with my hubby tonight and update on things...i am just soooooooooooo burnt out...either they will visit me ..or else in case they cant come me and DH will be pestered to go and visit them leaving our own schedules like my DH's job and my studies...how can i study like this...???!!!!...my MIL apparently says just because i dont work yet and do all household work and study that i am free and should go and visit sil...!!

    monita-i get to know about their visits through in laws..after all has been planned,dates have been finalized,leaves have been taken from their husbands and finaal when the tickets are booked that is when me and DH get to know...i hope things work out for both of us..i have been following your thread too since a long time...god knows when and how this drama will come to an end...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     

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