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Lonely

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by cukz, May 28, 2009.

  1. cukz

    cukz New IL'ite

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    Hi!
    I am from India. Got married last year- and moved to a new city. I have no friends here, the family is so much into work that no one has time for talking with me. My husband and his family do not have much contact with the rest of the world and all we see is the house and the office upstairs. My husband has no time for me he just doesn't understand that I need someone to be there for me emotionally. We go out once in a week for dinner, I know it is better than what many people have but I feel alone all the other time.
    I have no one to talk to, nowhere to go and I feel trapped and depressed. I find myself thinking that it would be great if I died.
    I am tired of always bringing the topic up that my hubby has no time for me- it affects what little time we have together but I feel so lonely that I end up complaining a lot. I feel so alone. I try calling all the relatives and friends I have but they are all busy in their own life. My frustrations, the problems of living in this strange family, with totally conservative points of view does not interest anyone and besides I do not want to burden all with my trouble.
    So I keep bottling up the feelings. There is no fun , no joy and I find myself fantasizing about death. What can I do? I cannot call helplines, I cannot talk to anyone freely as the family members are never out of earshot. I cannot work outside, I cannot join classes, the neighbors are culturally poles apart from me, besides, I cannot speak to anyone openly.
    It is not as if my husband does not love me. Despite our differences, I know he loves me.He does, I know but he just doesn't understand the need for spending time. We work in the same office, so he feels that should be enough.
    I feel I am losing myself, my vitality, my voice....
    Am I being melodramatic? What can I do?
     
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  2. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

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    I think you both need a good marriage counselling - it does help. You may not be able to convince him properly of your need to have more time with him, a counsellor can help both of you understand each others view point. He may not be revealing you his own feelings and may be feeling the same like you but in a different manner.

    Also you mention that there are always family members around - in these circumstances many people don't open up to their spouses openly during routine hours and the only interaction they would have will be in the night on bed - and that too may not be possible always especially if you are tired. In the morning again the routine would be same, that of getting ready and not having enough time to speak.

    You both need time for each other. What do you both guys do during weekend? Do you go to movies, bowling alleys, malls or amusement parks? Or even just a walk down the street, and speak your hearts out? May be he needs time with both of you together and not without your other family memebrs around? Also discussing about work at home is not good, unless he needs some advice from you or vice versa.

    Also can you please both take out sometime and plan a good vacation together for one or two weeks? Why don't you go visit Munnar?! :thumbsup Some people like my wife open up a lot once they are alone with their spouses, away from their families. Try that!

    I may have spoken too much without knowing much about your situation - but then whatever I wrote is based on your post! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, never give negative thoughts room into your mind!!
     
  3. cukz

    cukz New IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot Visu for the advice.
    I have thought of counselors too but you know in a joint family such a thing becomes difficult. I have to keep it as an option, but I do not know if it will work out.
    Weekends he works. I work on Saturdays, Sunday I stay at home. Only on Sunday evenings do we get time.
    A vacation will not be possible. His father will disapprove of us spending time in any such "waste" and my hubby won't do anything against his father's wishes.
    We had a lot of problems initially because I kept falling ill and there were too many expectations from me. I have had a liberated life and adjusting was difficult but now I have understood how to live in this family, they have understood a bit about me, I hope. But the friction from the initial months still continues to effect us and the family so every word has t be spoken with care.
    We do not discuss work at home, but we have nothing to talk about. I suggested we take up some activity together but he has no time for that.
    I have no third person to speak out to.
     
  4. Ruhi

    Ruhi Senior IL'ite

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    Hello,
    It happens with most of the gals so Plz don't think negativ.
    U can tell him about your friends,Family, relatives...How you have spent time with them & had cheerful Days before marriage.
    Maybe he doesn't even know what makes you happy.
    Try to make worth of the time U both get on Weekends...instaed of complaining ..show him I'm happy with you..
    Search if somebody is there on IL itself in your city.Having a friend in same city will give you some differant environment
    Negative thoughts will make your actions also negative so, plz think Positive, Dear.
    all the best.

    :cheers
     
  5. winpie

    winpie Silver IL'ite

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    Hi cukz,

    First and foremost you have come to the right place. Here you will find a lot of people having similar experiences to talk to and give you support.

    You have put into words the crux of the matter when you say "I am tired of always bringing the topic up that my hubby has no time for me". For those of us who live with that sort of loneliness in spite of trying to make our spouses understand what is making us unhappy, there is no venue left to set our lives right.

    Many years ago someone I know got divorced 6 months after marriage and when she came home to her parents' place she was an emotional wreck. I do not know what had occurred to bring her to that state - but she was clinically depressed for a long time. My mother asked me then whether I was happy? (I think a lot of mothers must have done that when they saw how this girl had become) I said to my mom that being happy was in my own hands. I did not want to worry her by telling her all the things you have written here.

    Much later, at a very low time in my life I came back to the same question - am I happy? The answer of course was "no". Subsequently, I came to know something about myself - if there is one thing I want to be in life - it is happy. And I remembered the answer I had given my mother in an effort to avoid causing her worry. Without knowing I had made a very profound observation that day - our happiness lies in our own hands.

    I want you to memorise these words - My happiness is nobody's business but mine. It is my life and I will live it the way I want to - and that is 'happily'.

    Our brain is the most powerful thing in the universe - you paste a fake smile on your face when you are feeling the most unhappy and you will find that your mood starts improving. You frown hard and long enough at a time when you are ecstatic and in no time you will feel irritated.

    So take control of your happiness - be cheerful even when you feel alone and lonely. Slowly that cheer will seep into all your waking moments. Of course it would be nice if there was someone who cared enough to want to make us happy. But since there isn't, we might as well take the job upon ourselves. I did - and I can honestly say I fell very free today that I can be as happy as I want and no one can take that away from me!
     
  6. kolli143

    kolli143 Senior IL'ite

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    May be you should involve yourself in some work to take the mind out of the lonely feeling. Is that a possibility? Can you go out and work?
     
  7. archana2008

    archana2008 Gold IL'ite

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    ALONE BUT NOT LONELY!!!!!



    Dear Friends, believe me guys you are never going to say again that "nobody is with you or nobody loves you"



    Guruji says:


    If you think nobody loves you, know for sure that you are loved. The earth loves you; that’s why it is holding you upright. The love of the earth is its gravitational force. The air loves you; that’s why it moves through your lungs even when you are sleeping. The Divine loves you very dearly, deeply. Once you realize this, you will never feel lonely.

    Someone's company cannot fill your loneliness. Even if it does, it is very short-lived. You can still feel lonely in spite of being in <INPUT type=hidden name=IL_MARKER>company. In a real sense, loneliness can only be filled by being alone. If you could be comfortable being alone for some time, then you will not feel lonely. When you don't feel lonely, you can spread joy to people around you.




    If you enjoy being with your Self, you will not be a boring personality. If you are lonely, then you can be boring to others. And that will make you more lonely! And if your own <INPUT type=hidden name=IL_MARKER>company bores you, how much more boring must you be to someone else?



    Those who are in <INPUT type=hidden name=IL_MARKER>company all the time look for the comforts of solitude and those who are in solitude feel lonely and want to be in <INPUT type=hidden name=IL_MARKER>company. Everyone is looking for a perfect balance. That perfect balance is like a razor’s edge and can only be found in the Self. If you take out some time, say one week in a year, to be with yourself and observe our own thoughts and emotions, then you will get a sense of what quietness means.




    From time to time, keep a little distance from whomsoever close to you and take some time off for your own space. From the moment you wake up in the morning, you are always with people and your mind is caught up in worldly thoughts. So sometime during the day, sit for a few minutes and get into the cave of your heart. Then you will not feel lonely even when you are alone.




    Live your life well.. If you are useful to people all your life, there will be hundreds and millions of people to take care of you. Mother Teresa and Acharya Vinoba Bhave, for example, were sick in bed for a long time. Do you think there was nobody to give them <INPUT type=hidden name=IL_MARKER>company? There were hundreds waiting to take care of them and all they did was to be useful to people around them.




    When you make service your sole purpose in life, it eliminates fear, brings focus in your mind, purposefulness in action, and long-term joy.. Every time you are unhappy or miserable or lonely, you are just coming in touch with your own boundaries. It is limitation and boundary that is the real cause of your disturbance. You are peaceful and happy until come in contact with your boundaries. The moment you come in contact with it, then the mind goes on a trip and you move out of your center. At that moment what can you do? You can just be grateful and pray for peace. That very moment, you will start smiling(It works i am the example he he!!![​IMG]) and however hopeless the situation is, you will walk through it.



    Learn and unlearn from the past and move on with creative zeal and enthusiasm. The trying time brings out the best out of you. The rewarding time gives the best of the world to you. Life is a combination of both.

    Jai gurudev!!
     
  8. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Cukz,

    Is it just cold-heartedness of husband that is pushing to have morbid thoughts or something else too?

    For I think there may be some other cause of your sad state. Were you always cheerful before marriage?

    If I were to ask you to write down 10 things that will make you the happiest. What would it be? How much of it has other people as dependencies?

    From where I see, your situation is rather pleasent than most others. At least you two work in same office very close to homes. I know thousands of people travelling in Mumbai local trains will die to swap their place with you.

    Here are few things you can do to improve your quality of life..

    - Take charge of your life. Jott down 2 hobbies you would seriously take up. It could be dancing , oil painting, story writing or anything that interests you. Follow these hobbies, take classes. Dont wait for husband to join you, just follow your own bliss

    - Once in month, visit someone less fortunate than you. It could be visit to blind school, orphanage or rural people or even your maid's house. That will change your outlook to look goodies in your bag rather than focussing on thorns alone.

    - Make it a point to reach out to another members of family. Focus one member in one month. Make sure you learn 10 things about their interests/disinterests. Spend time with them. Generally befriendly to them. That will help you see their side as well.

    - You could even start reading up for having baby. Thats ultimate positive boost for a female. You need not have baby rught away. Just planning for future , reading up about it .

    There is more to life than husband and his family. Learn to explore it. You really dont need your spouse for changign your own disposition. Everyone gets happy around a cheerful person. No one like a sadist moron. Sadness has a infectious black side to it. Same way happiness is infectious too. No one ignore a jovial person for long.

    Ria
     
  9. cukz

    cukz New IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot Ria, Archana,kolli,winpie, Ruhi and Visu. It was really kind of you all to have taken the time out for me and thought about my problems and shared what you think is the best I can do,
    Winpie, your words really helped me a lot. I know I am responsible for my hapiness and only I can make myself happy.
    I think I will keep coming back to these reaplies whenever I feel dishearted to take courage from the words. I hope this will also help other who are in a situation similar to mine.
    I know there are people worse off than me, I never once doubt that, but sometimes when you see sorrow of others, it leaves you questioning the purpose of it all...
    But as Archana said, Mother nature loves me and that is the most unconditional love there is. Yes Winpie, I will paste a smile on my face and smile till it becomes real:)
    Thank you all- here are hugs for all of you
    ((((((((everyone who needs a hug and everyone who cared to reply)))))))
     
  10. nikkypk

    nikkypk New IL'ite

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    Hi Cuks
    I read through ur post and felt really sad for you,but what you need to do is take charge of your life,like winpie said 'ur responsible for your happiness"
    I thought about somethings that you can do

    1. if you like reading,find out if theres a library near by , get ur hubby to show u where it is ,on his day off
    2. after you hubby comes home from work try to get him to go for a walk ,tell him its good for his health ,or that he has put on a bit of weight ;) ,you can try to time it according to the power cut time ( i have felt tht has a romantic feel to it ...no lights on the street just u n hubby )
    3. try learning something new, for example french ..there was a thread on IL somewhere a lot of ladies got together online to learn french)
    4. try out new dishes ...but be careful of what mil thinks of tht
    5. start talking vit ur mil ,ask abt hw ur hubby ws ven he was a kid...elders usually luv to talk abt the past, ask abt hw ur inlaws got married, take out old albums and look through them together vit ur mil.....this wil also help u to get closer to ur inlaws.
    6.try to volunteer online...u can try project gutenburg
    7.Each day ,look in the mirror and think to urself vat u luv the most abt u tht day ,it shud be different each day ,tht way u vil start liking urself more,and wont have any bad thoughts.

    these r just sumthings tht popped into my head, try adjusting it ur situatn and let me know if any of them helped :)

    nikky
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2009

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