Living with inlaws is injurious to health!

mimita · Jan 10, 2014

Hi friends,
My mil wants to exert control on all the little things around the house. I have been married for 5 years now, and all these years it was all her rules only. I rarely interfered and since I felt like a guest in someone else's house, I didn't challenge them either.

Looks like that has encouraged her and now, even if I do something small differently from her 'imposed rules' she seems to have a problem with it.
For instance, there was a small glass bowl recently removed from the attic and kept in the kitchen cabinet. It was placed where my little daughter could reach it, so I shifted the place and kept it in some other shelf in the same cabinet. Next time I see it, lo and behold, it is kept right back where it was originally. I had to do some explanation and get her approval explicitly and had it moved.

I once bought some new water cups and you should have seen the look on her face - as if I had crossed the lakshman rekha or something- that I dared to bring in the cups of my choice without asking her.

To do any small thing my way, I seem to need her approval signed in triplicate or something.
There are many such incidents and they leave me with a lot of repressed anger and stress. You can't live for ever being subservient to some one else. How do these mils expect to live with modern independent women and then want the dIL s to keep nodding their heads to everything the mil says? Tensions basically escalated after the arrival of my daughter and as I have detailed in other threads, due to her acting as if she is the mother to my daughter.

I have begun to resent her bossy this-is-my-house-and-i-make-all-the-rules attitude. On the surface she is all nice as I am to her. But the cold war is there for everyone to see day in and day out.To live in the same house and resent someone is very very hard on me.
These days I am besieged with health problems and doctors say it is all due to stress. I feel even angrier thinking I am sacrificing my health and happiness for this lady. It has become a vicious cycle. I am afraid that considering I have to take care of my daughter , if my health suffers, it becomes difficult.

My husband won't move out since his mother is widowed and my mil's mil also stays with us.
I feel there should be a disclaimer on wedding cards saying 'staying with inlaws can be injurious to health' !

Please do share any advice to help me regain my sanity

CoolPie · Jan 10, 2014

U have portrayed exactly my situation. But even after my baby's arrival I feel like a guest in someone's house and I don't confront. She wants everything to be done her way and gets tensed and shouts at everyone if they speak about something else when In peak hours (I mean wen she is busy with household work). Who asked her to do everything herself and then shout. She ll shout at the maid for simple things sometimes. I don't know when the maid is going to run away.

Oh my god, living under the same roof with her is my ill fate. What bad karma did I do In my last birth do to be put in such a situation!

chillbreeze · Jan 10, 2014

Exactly my situation too. I feel like a guest only here and atleast a guest is not expected to do all work and take care of everybody. My ils are pleasant outside but as OP said its all their choices only. Makes me mad when I can't choose/buy anything. Now I've given up coz anyway I don't feel like I'm choosing/buying for my home. I don't have a kid yet and scared to bring a kid in to family and then everyone'll start telling what to do and what not to do for the baby.

Katakam123 · Jan 10, 2014

Sounds like my situation, my house my earning , my food but she talk behind me n b angel Infront of me. I wonder whose karma is this mine or hers???

guesshoo · Jan 10, 2014

Girls, just take charge. Don't expect them to give you the privilege. Do things your way. Then don't explain yourself. A simple, "I like it better this way, mum" will do. Buy the things you like, change things around, say pleasantly, "I'm bored with the old set up." Be unapologetic but polite. The second you start changing things, there will be a protest but if you dismiss and ignore that protest with good cheer, they will accept the new you

If she tries to be nasty, just make a neutral statement and leave. Story time, now.

My cosis once started cooking a new dish in MILs house and MIL was incessantly criticising her every move. She looked her straight in the eye once and said, "I will leave the kitchen if you won't back off." The next thing mil commented on - addition of turmeric or something - my cosis placed the jar on the counter and walked away. Not before saying pleasantly, "since you seem to know better, I'll let you do it."

hope2b · Jan 10, 2014

My situation is exactly like yours. I paid for my kitchen, modular and all. But I don't even have the authority to open a roller cabinet fully. I used to be a very independent person but now I have shut down myself. Feels like living in a jail. Have a kid too. I don't understand why I am allowing this horrible dictatorship.

gauridinesh · Jan 11, 2014

It happens if you back down. Hope2B from the statement "I paid for my kitched" - I am assuming that you are staying in your place (I mean owned by you and your H and not your PIL's place).
In that case, start slow - pick up a daily chore -for example,washing- and arrange things YOUR way. Washing powder here,laundry basket there etc etc. If you see it has been moved by MIL, place it back again. Do it two times and the third time she does it, just go and ask her politely "did you keep this washing powder here ma? I keep it there because i like it if it there". Dont shout,dont make it about power - do it gradually.
I understand the resentment part - how two ppl can be very cordial in public and have sooo much of suppressed anger towards each other. You have to bite it and bear it. Thats the only way.Not worth loosing your health over.

arthimahalakshm · Jan 11, 2014

conquer things slowly and firmly.
let the bowl be there and allow your kid to drop/break it.
if your mil starts commenting abt it simply exclaim and say"oh ma! that's y i placed the bowl there thinking that one day your grand daughter would reach for it.but left it as you placed it again there.didn't expect kid would reach for it with this much speed.she is naughty" and clear the place in cool.
for other things,simply inform her in front of ur husband in a permission tone and continue.

hope2b · Jan 11, 2014

Thank u gauridinesh. My case is a little more complicated. House does belong to my husband. I also paid good money till I worked. My in-laws over dominate both of us in every thing. Our relationship has strained now to extremes. We basically gave up on ourselves to keep them happy. It's very sad and complicated. Some day hope to put my story out there to get some views.

RADIODOC679 · Jan 11, 2014

Dear hope2b!
Its sad for you & now that you have a kid you must make things set right though slowly-if you get frustrated/resented in relations ,your kind will imbibe all these feelings silently(i came to know of late ).so to protect your kid/your future its better you put your foot down although slowly till the inlwas never realise when it all started as arthimahalakshmi said-slowly and silently.And plz don give up your life for anyone except YOURSELF,YOURkid,& HUBBY-the rest can take a walk ....This is one life we got!!!Want to share that with all the help i got here i actaully gave it to my inlwas last week on phone.They finally spoke to me & asked why u didnt call-i simply told them you didnt want to talk then & i respect that wish!!!They were stumped waiting for me to say sorry etc....