Living With Husband As Single....need Advice Please

I may not be as experienced as you in marriage as I got married few years back.
But I have faced similar issues already.

@Laks09 and others have already given some valuable advice. When im very depressed I too don’t eat, but no one even cares if I eat or not because husband can never be our parents especially during fights.

Before marriage when we have an argument with parents, even if we don’t eat our parents will force us to eat or come and feed.
But the same thing will never happen after marriage. They won’t even bother about you if You are eating or not.
Their ego is more important than their partners feelings.

I feel happy seeing couples when they care even if they fight or argue. They are the blessed ones in my opinion.
They stick to each other through thick and thin. No matter wat!
Not everyone knows to argue fairly.

 

@senorita2019 and @Laks09 has mentioned most of the points came to my mind after reading your post #6 . Please read my post above. I have already mentioned that you cannot change a person. His intention is to teach you a lesson.

First option- If you feel that you have not done anything wrong you don't have to apologize to anyone. Follow what your mind says. It is up to you to decide whether you want to talk to MIL or not. If you want, just talk as if nothing happened (How are you, how is your health, we are doing fine. Talk about weather and stop, no more questions and avoid further discussion).

You are depending on him too much even emotionally, its not your fault. Marriage is about dependence too. But in this case, it will not help you. It make you depressed. So try to emotionally detach from him for some time at least. Try to live as if he dont exist. Enjoy your time with your dd and you. Like I said before take control of your life. Its easy to say separation- but is it a better option practically? Will it bring more happiness and peace ? If not what is the point in thinking about it.

Live as if you dont need him to lead a happy life. So find ways like I suggested above. Gain Independence.Ignore what he say to dd for the time being. Dont say anything to DD about it. Just divert the topic or make it positive. Build a team with DDs, follow schedules as usual, ignores dh's comments to dd( he is trying build a confusion on dd's mind, consciously or unconsciously), take care of your health and beauty, dress well and lead a life as if nothing happened and you are happy in your own world or as if his silence is a blessing.

I dont believe in silent treatment. Its not good for marriage. Generally I dont acknowledge his silence and talk as usual about kids and slowly it fade away. I used to get upset and sad in the beginning of my marriage, then I found its not worth it. My dh uses silent treatment. I was just the opposite. I just say what I want. Its done. I can talk as usual. But he made me learn silent treatment. Now he know it wont work on me anymore. He will loose service. that's all. But if my dh use it to teach me a lesson and control me, I wont give up, I wait till he is ready to talk to me. The conflicts generally give me more time to find myself.

I have seen my mother not eating food when there is some issue with my father. That's stupid thing to do. What I do, in that case , is I start pampering myself, go to restaurant or order food,cook food with special recipes, go to beauty spa and relax, go for shopping and buy good things for me, watch movies, read books, do whatever ( any of the above combination, even though I have busy schedule) and enjoy myself as much as I can, but I stop doing anything for my dh I took care of kids. Also stop cleaning and take own time to do anything (my dh is a cleanliness freak). There will be minimum things in fridge. If he want he has to eat himself.. Just relax.. and enjoy.

So don't punish yourself for someone who don't value you. Build a life for yourself, friends, circle, life outside home (see #2). Also think what option you have if you want to separate? Prepare that way. Let him get curious. Sorry if I sound negative, just imagine how will lead your life if he is not there. What you do to make yourself happy. Do that. How was your life before marriage ? What you did to make you happy. Think about that. Try to be that positive and vibrant version of you.

His intention to make you fall on his feet and to some extent that his punishment is working ( I think so from your sadness), but you have to show him that your are very happy without him and his controlling is not working. Let him continue his silence as much he want. Please use your time to find a goal of your own life, and establish it. Focus on you for the time being. I mentioned this because its his repeated behavior and he will continue the same in future too if similar situations arise. Do you want to apologize and go back?

Second option- If you want to talk you can talk anytime if that's your option. In that case do some home work, go to him and tell him you want to talk, and communicate that really well in calm and firm way. You need to mention very clearly that he has to stop talking to DD about the issues with you.(His intention was to use DD as messenger I believe). If a sorry can solve the issue use it and start from there. Count your blessings and try to make it work.

You are the one to assess the situation well. So do what you think is right.

 

There is no winning or losing in a husband and wife relationship.
First fix yourself, then fix your husband from all the problems. Show some love to him, so he will also reciprocate.
That you are fighting with your in-laws, makes your husband develop hatred feelings towards you. You may not know about your spouse's family members from their childhood, how they sacrificed for each other. They all have grown up forgiving each other, at all times. If you attack them directly with your heated arguments, your spouse will definitely get hurt. You have to handle those in a different way, even the mistakes are on their side, without hurting anyone.

This MIL, SIL problems are silly problems and you can ignore those and dont talk about them henceforth, if you want a peaceful life.
Remember, you have 2 kids, they need both of you. Your problems are not at all problems.
Never think about separation. Read the threads in the singles world forum of this site - on how so many women are refraining to find a partner after separation.
At this age, you are almost 'field-out' in the marriage market and that too with 2 kids. No hard feelings...I mean to say it's very very difficult.
You have to adjust, compromise, sacrifice more than what you are in your current situation, if you want to separate and marry again.
Fix the problems and stay happy in this marriage. Good luck.

 

@DDream made a good point. think you are separated and act like it. Dont think you are his wife, think you are the single mom and enjoy your life. Your husband will be super curious and "scared". trust me on this.

Men assume 100% that their wife is not capable of leaving them and treat them like trash. My ex used to treat me like an object and ignored my feelings. Even when I said I want a divorce he didnt take me seriously, even when I said I have filed divorce in court he didnt take me seriously. Even when the divorce papers were served he didnt take it seriously, Only when the first court hearing came, he hired a lawyer and realized the reality. Indian men think women are lame and weak and will not do anything apart from whining, crying, threatening...

Your husband is in his own LaLa Land, pretend you are ready to be a single mom and enjoy your life. Have zero expectation on him. Empower yourself with good books, courses, classes. When he sees you "preparing for single life" He will surely come around. This type is clingy and needy behavior will surely make you a door mat for life.

 

One of my far relative recently got divorced within 2 years of marriage due to compatibility issues. The gal was rich but the guy wasn’t so well off. They forced him to marry her.
But after marriage they were fine and happy. But due to some issues they fought so the gal left the house and applied for divorce. Gal also felt the house was too small but filled with lots of people no privacy etc . But guys family is telling the gals family knew that they are not well off then why did they get their daughter married etc etc
Itsms the guy never went back to her and now he is looking on some other gal..

 

I could have written ur post. I’m married but still leading a single life. But unlike u I don’t know the reason. I too was working but now am not as I’ve quit to take care of my son. Will be following ur post.

 

I HAVE THE SAME ISSUE. WHY DO THEY DO THAT. MORE OVER HE TELLS MY DAUGHTER “Don’t be lazy like mommy !” Over and over again.

 

[quote ]Speaking of loveless, never cares for my health, I have to go for all my doc appointments and visits on my own even when times that I can’t myself. Anyway, but never argued for those, just cried myself seeing lack of attention. There was a time we fought and I didn’t eat or have a sip of water for 3 days, he never bothers to check on me or make me eat. 4th day I realized myself that I should take care of myself for my daughter and be healthy for her and I ate.
He is a person loves himself so much, no matter how busy I am with too many tasks in a day and needed a little help, he prefers walking on a treadmill in his time.[\quote]
Oh my god. I could have written this. This was my situation even while pregnant and working that too with another kid to take care of. He did not come to even one doctor visit even when pregnant. He did not buy even food for me. I bought all with my own money cooked my own food and ate all alone while he enjoyed with friends.

 

I think this is the issue now. What you did is not right according to them. Do you like if your husband yell at you in your house in front of your parents . No one likes it. Your MIL became very protective of her son (My MIL is a nice person, but her facial expression change if tone or voice while talking with dh changes.) . So watch how you interact with your dh in front of others. Even if you dont like your husband, treat him well in front others. You can fight with him in your own space or go to your bed room and talk. I think his ego is hurt. That's the reason, even though his behavior now is unacceptable.

I dont agree with your MIL too. Why she interfere in between you. Your intention was not to hurt your dh. But unknowingly you created a situation that made her to talk that way. So watch it now onwards. Completely avoid your urge to fight with MIL or even discuss with her. It will create more issues in your life. No need to apologize. Talk as if nothing happened and limit your phone calls to 5-10 minutes. Limit frequency of phone calls. Or call when your dh is there with speaker phone on.

 

You can talk,you can apologize ...it will all be temporary.
This will happen again because he thinks this is valid behavior.

Divorce right now won't help your cause.
Like laks and DD wrote.....enjoy the single life.
Improve yourself,improve your qualifications.
Stop worrying about him .

If he talks about divorce,let him.Let him initiate.Why should you do it?
Let him know he will get the kids too because you have made yourself weaker by leaving job to bring up kids.

Why do women always make themselves weaker by taking on all responsibilities of kids in such situations?
Imagine him being a single parent of two kids...one of whom he is trying to spoil.
Let him worry about that. Let his mother worry about that.

@Gallant ....why are men so sensitive about how the wife behaves with their family when they have no problems misbehaving with her parents ,like in this case. The family first misbehaved with her parents and then the husband called them up to misbehave with them again .
Wife's feelings and her parents feeling don't count ?
It is her marriage alone to save?

How is the market for men in their forties with two daughters to take care ,educate and marry....then of course the usual insults from the son in law and his family.
You think women are lining up to grab these men?