1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Living With Husband As Single....need Advice Please

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Anusri13, Feb 11, 2019.

  1. Anusri13

    Anusri13 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello ladies,

    I am in a situation of sinking boat and not sure what to do to save myself from sinking. Its been 12 years of my married life with 2 beautiful daughters 9yrs and 16 months old. If I look back all these years there was no single happy moment with my husband that I can think of, instead so much of history filled with many fights like every week, tearful moments, heart hurting situations. Although I was never happy with my married life because of my husbands selfish, carelessness and too bossy behavior towards me, being mindful about my daughters future who are also very much connected to him, I got used to the life how it was and leading the life with same fights and getting back together after couple of hours or a day.

    But now it has been more than 4 months that my husband spoke to me or communicate in any other way like at least text for any necessary daily based things too. we are living in the same house as normal as usual and kids getting the same attention..etc except the communication with me. There is everything in his life as usual except me. May be I can say we are separated unofficially.

    The reason for this situation is me and his mom had a few words exchange and it was a small fight. The sub story behind this fight is, they insulted my parents when they came to their house and I have had asked my MIL with a raise of my voice and of course my MIL has raised too, but was never counted by my husband. It was just like any other DIL and MIL fight that had happened and was the first time in this 12 years of my married life with my MIL. As initially planned, we reached to my parents house and my husband had an aggressive discussion explaining the happened situation to my parents and later we both discussed and I agreed to talk to his mom normally to fix the things happened. Upon my husbands suggestion as he gonna call and talk to them and pass the phone to me, I was waiting....if any peace left in my life, that was the last day for it. He spoke to them for about 2 hrs over the same phone call which I was waiting for my turn and that never happened, instead his behavior changed completely which I have no clue that my husband can behave in such a way so rude to my parents, stopped talking to me and when I asked him why didn't you pass the phone while I was waiting he replied so madly, they said "keep your wife in control". My husband last word to me was "don't expect anything from me from now on". Later the next day he started behaving so impolite, skipping meals and finally he satisfied his ego with a fight with my parents complaining on me and questioning their way of raising me so rudely and disrespectfully. That moment my heart broke in to pieces that all these years I went through so much and craved for a little attention and caring, at least during my pregnancies from him. I ended up always with a feeling that he never wanted a marriage and never want to share him to his life partner from my experiences. But I was never a person gave a small hint of his behavior neither to my parent nor his parents. I hated myself that why didn't I ever questioned his parents how come he was raised like this when his siblings are normal. No clue till today what conversation he had with his parents that day that broke our relation a part completely. But he is all good with his parents calling regularly and having my daughters to talk to them as normal as always with a change of me abandoning from his life.

    To give a little background about me, I was working and now taking care of my kids as house wife. Just like any other girl I also got married to an NRI working in Virginia and later I also started working after couple of years of marriage. Parents and family in India. Although I worked in past, never had any of my financial control with me. Not that he took over of it, I was the one let him handled it. He is not a person wanted my money ever, but still the accounts and all of money is under his control as he is the one takes care of all the money transactions.

    Just living for the sake living and trying to self motivate for my daughters well being and their future. Feeling like divorcing him, Not that I really wanted too, but I see no hope with his behavior. His behavior tells me like he is indirectly telling the same divorce feeling of him. Ever since he stopped talking, he is being very cautious to keep his where abouts secrecy from me like I have no clue when will he come back from office, no idea about his travel when had to go on office work...its like your neighbors life style as how we don't know their regular home talk, buyings, out goings, weekend plans etc. He leaves if I sit near him. Now he started sitting separately in different living room so that he barely sees me in a day.
    But not sure if I am in a right direction or not for divorce. Also worried that I'm not self established and settled too as I am in a comfortable zone till today and many things rolling in my mind the life of a single mom with 2 daughters, especially my older daughter is almost pre-teenager and so attached to him. I never dared to approach him to ask about his behavior as its clear of his hate on me and also since family fights involved in it. Its none other that his mom. He disconnected everything otherwise it wouldn't have been this worst.

    Living a lonely life with no hope of my future. Please help me with your suggestions and recommendations.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2019
    Loading...

  2. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    910
    Likes Received:
    1,749
    Trophy Points:
    265
    Gender:
    Female
    OP, I don't have any suggestions on how to make your husband to love or care you the way you want. You can control your actions and but cannot force another person to treat you the the way you want. Many arranged or even love marriages became mechanical after some stage unless both partners make equal efforts to revive the spark between them.

    Ask yourself what you want now. Do you want to continue in this marriage or not ? Suggestions will improve based on your decision.

    Fighting or talking with either set of parents in a disrespectful way is totally unacceptable to me. You are living in US what is need to to involve in the fight between your parents and his parents when you were not in the scene. If you want to talk, express your displeasure in person to MIL or dh in a respectable and firm way. But over phone (its not clear to me whether the fight was in person or over phone), the impact can be totally different from what you expect. So completely stop talking to your MIL over phone. In future too, talk only with speaker phone on that too infront of dh. As you see now, the actions and reactions lead to many arguments and fights again. If you cannot accept the way he talk to your parents, imagine how difficult it will be for him too. You will never win by fighting with PILS if you dont have very supportive dh. Most of the time it will back fire. Why waste energy for that. It is smart to tackle the situation in other ways. Always remember that MIL is not your mother and you are not her daughter. Complaining about them to dh never helps.

    If you think you made any mistake in this episode apologize. If not, stick with what you think is right.

    "they said "keep your wife in control"" - this is exactly what he is doing now through his silent treatment. did you try to talk to him or behave the way like nothing happened. Did you try to text him or inform any thing. Silence is his way of controlling you- a passive aggressive behavior and a form of emotional abuse. His ego is playing here.

    If you think a sorry can help, send a text to him or go and talk to him about what you want even when he is not talking (do when both of you are in calm state.)

    You said you fight often , what is the reason for this fight. No one is going to love or care a fighting spouse. You can do a self-introspection, if you think you can fix anything do that. I suggest it because only you can control what you do. You cannot control what others(dh, pils, parents) do. Give him space and you take your space. Dont allow anyone to treat you like a doormat.

    In this episode if he is not ready to respond even after your efforts as mentioned above, plan your next move. Live your life and try to be independent. Let him continue like this, give some more months. Cut your services to him ( a roommate dont have to do any service) and live like nothing happened and you are unaffected ( He actually want you to be sad and stressed due to silent treatment). Wait till he come back to you. Have patience as if you think you don't have any other option than continuing like this. Do you think counselling will help you. You can try that.

    If you stay or leave, take control of your life in your hands, be independent and try to come out of your comfort zone. Now you are dependent on your dh in many ways. Try to be independent. Take driving licence if you dont have one, open bank account for you. Is it possible to find even a small job for you. It will give you some diversion. Staying in home and facing an emotionless husband is a torture by itself. Try to get out of your home. Find volunteering activities, that help you meet other people. Join a gym ( many provide childcare facilities). Your second one is small, try to send him to daycare for a few hours per week and use that time to improve yourself. It is also important to understand the difference in love language. Many think providing everything is another form of love. Your dh may not be expressive, but if he is good in some ways, try to appreciate that positive side.

    What one should do if they are in a loveless marriage. Best is to escape and live your life. If you want to stay, you need to give a deep thought on how to improve it and live it to the fullest. Only you can assess it. (Many posts are in IL forum on similar topics). Try your efforts to improve your relationship with dh. If not, what is the use of crying over a loveless married life. Start loving yourself. Enjoy your life in other aspects and be happy.
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2019
  3. KayaCholan

    KayaCholan Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    30
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Op,

    I am sure about the backgrounds of your constant fights here for all these years as you have only mentioned one. All I can read is you seem to be very unhappy with him and the marriage and you are only sticking around for your kids. If you have been so unhappy from the start I am not sure why you had two kids with this man. Is it because you thought kids will fix the marriage ? People think of kids as a solution often but its not the case. Bringing children into an unhealthy situation is never a solution. I am a huge supporter of financial independence so Im not sure why you let him take control over all your finances to an extent where you feel stuck and cant see a way out. Again with a marriage and a husband you are unhappy with. I wish you had held some control for yourself so in a situation like this you can feel like you have something to fall back on.

    From what I can read in your post, you are not really ready for a divorce so I wouldnt say thats an option you need to pursue right now. It sounds like your husband is an angry and holding on to some grudges. Its evident from the way he is avoiding you and doesnt want to be around you. Since you let him continue this behaviour, it is now normal for him. You should have put a stop to it from the start when he started behaving this way. It sounds like a fight involving both the parents so there is always two ends to the story. Your husband can treat you like its all your fault and put you through this guilt and shame. You need to put your foot down, make him sit down with you and ask him what the problem is and why is he treating you the way he is. Lay it all on the table so you dont both can argue over it like two normal people would. This silent treatment is doing no one any good. And you cant let your husband continue this way. He needs to treat you with respect. Find a time when he is home, sit down and have a talk. If that doesnt work, go to a counsellor or a neutral party who can facilitate this conversation. 4 months of not talking in the same house is just wrong and disturbing for you and your kids.

    Dont take a back seat and let him continue his behaviour. Take a stand and take some control back. Do it for yourself and your kids.
     
  4. Gallant

    Gallant Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    61
    Likes Received:
    67
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Forget about whatever that had happened...you have 2 daughters...needless to say, they need both of you. Four months of not talking to your husband is not at all a good sign. You are only worsening the situation. Shed your ego and apologize, even if you don't make any mistake (I know you made mistakes). There is nothing wrong in apologizing to your spouse. Bring the situation under your control. Don't react, just respond. Don't behave in such a way that he will depart/desert (from) you.

    Two important things:

    1. There is no problem in this world that can't be talked and resolved.
    2. There is no mistake in this world that can't be forgiven.

    If a husband and wife understand the true meaning of this, then married life will be happy.
    If either one does not understand this, then always there is a problem.

    Once you start giving up, he will slowly realize and come behind you, if he really loves you. You should read the thread posted by Akshaya (I guess) on how she keeps hold of her husband, coming behind her, always.

    It's very wrong to bad mouth the spouse's loved ones...it hurts a lot and so the spouse reacts. At the most you can point out their mistakes, that too...only to your spouse. Not to them directly. Most couples don't understand this simple fact and get each other's hatred feelings.

    Forgive, give up the most for your spouse, and LOSE to win!

    Once you both understand each other, these MIL, FIL, SIL and all other in-laws problems appear to be so silly and you both discuss and laugh at these problems.

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2019
    msm likes this.
  5. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    74
    Likes Received:
    65
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    I feel bad for your situation, many men do this when they know the wife has no place to go

    Sometimes reality jolts them so ask him straight - does he want to live a normal married life or get divorce.????

    Direct communication is best. You should be ok with both paths because its not a threat. Its action plan.

    If he says he wants normal married life just apologize for past and find ways to bond and move forward and be happy with him

    If he says divorce, be ready for talking abt divorce filing, child custody, alimony, child support, assets, single parent life.

    Only direct communication and subsequent action will move you forward or u will be in this rut forever like a lot of helpless women

    Goodluck dear .. prayers
     
  6. Anusri13

    Anusri13 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi all,

    Thanks for all your valuable opinions and thoughts. They really mean to me so much.
    From all of your reply posts, I have summed up and picked some of your comments that I wanted to clarify and give some updates of my current situation from my post. Please put your thoughts and suggestions. Very much looking forward for all your reply.

    Sorry that I mentioned as fight with MIL, I understood that it sounded and gave a wrong perception to all. It was an argument at my MIL house with her. But it started only when she interfered saying you can’t raise your voice on my son, when I was talking to my husband asking with a raise of voice why are you doing this all now (all in the sense, he called me in and started discussion when we are ready to leave (to my parents house) sitting in car). Also, I argued with MIL as a reply of each of her argument from her side. There were no bad words usage from either of us.

    Yes, we get in to arguments and fight often. I agree no one is going to love a fighting spouse. Probably that’s why I am getting a feeling of divorce. But I don’t know how to fix this issue, because out of my experience the reason I could see for each of the argument and fight is loveless, caring less, being too bossy on me. If I look back, there was so much but shortly in two words he is a person who is too bossy in a way says something and convinces me that A+B=C and when I follow the same A+B=C, he says now its A+B=D. Then I will realize, first time was for his own benefit, make his word lead. Argument starts there.

    Speaking of loveless, never cares for my health, I have to go for all my doc appointments and visits on my own even when times that I can’t myself. Anyway, but never argued for those, just cried myself seeing lack of attention. There was a time we fought and I didn’t eat or have a sip of water for 3 days, he never bothers to check on me or make me eat. 4th day I realized myself that I should take care of myself for my daughter and be healthy for her and I ate.
    He is a person loves himself so much, no matter how busy I am with too many tasks in a day and needed a little help, he prefers walking on a treadmill in his time.

    I am always ready to put my foot down and make a first step and apologize him irrespective of whose mistake it is. Especially for my 9 yrs old daughter who is very much upset seeing her parents in this situation and wanted it fixed soon.
    As an update, I recently came to know from my daughter that he said to her that “your mom knows how to fix this issue. I’ll talk to her only if she talks to my mom”.
    I was so upset listening about his stubborn attitude. Because first thing, as I mentioned in my earlier post, I am always ready to talk to his mom as she is elder. Instead he made a big fight at my parents house and messed up (this whole arguments with MIL and fight in my house happened in India) we reached back to US after that, since then he is like this, a complete shutdown on me.
    OK, as he expected, I will talk to his mom. I will apologize him. But I have a question before I approach on these steps, friends please guide me towards light.

    My question is, can this be the way of husband’s approach on a wife. A married life with conditions?. we are not a newly married couple to have no feeling on each other, all our 12 years life means nothing to him? Is this how he treats the mother of his 2 kids? How can I trust him that he will take care of me till death? Am I not giving him a wrong understanding that what he did to me is correct and this 4 months of punishment worked out as he expected. Am I just not making him feel like succeeded rather feeling sorry and regret for what I missed and dealt with?(Although not sure how to make him feel that). How can I expect a forever end to his avoiding behavior after I apologize?
    what kind of healthy relationship I can expect in future with a person who treated me like a kid that gets the time out as punishment for mistakes. I am worried to lead rest of my life with his conditions, if not the same lonely life.
    I am sure he will repeat his behavior in future too, because in past also he made me feel alone and did same shutdown on me for one month. Then the situation fixed after I convey my loneliness and missing him through a note.
    But now I am close to my 40s. I can not take the same 4 months or so lonely life anymore after couple of years again. please don’t take me wrong and thinking that I am going to fight with MIL again, I concerned about it because there might be situations to protect my self-respect, as he never gives that to me in front of his family.

    Lastly – Another update, like all moms I also a caring mother. I follow a strict bed timing for my daughter, that she should go to bed sharp at 9pm. where as she loves to go to bed late and keep playing, spending time with her dad. I let her be like that in her holidays but not during school days. I have to be little strict on her bed timings, because less sleep hours making her stressed, keeps forgetting the lessons and any instructions often and falling behind on her studies. My husband knew her abilities and stress levels, once he was told by her physician too that the daily routines are how important for her. Rather being supportive at least about the kids, my husband is doing more negative talk on me with my daughter. I came to know from my daughter that he said, “Just because she didn’t get to talk and have fun, she doesn’t have to ruin your fun time”. Also, he said about the TV time, “I just don’t get that why your mom is cutting your TV time”. He also tells her to ignore my words.

    I am worried that I might end up as a looser!
     
  7. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    74
    Likes Received:
    65
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    I was exactly in the same situation like yours for 14 years. Very very self centered husband, zero care and love, always shuts me down totally if there a fight, full support for his family and zero support for me, undermines me in front of our son,never shows any compassion if I am sick.

    Today I am divorced and single because I couldnt take it anymore. Once I filed divorce he came crying and begged me and told that he will put effort, we will go to therapy, we will work on the marriage, he will share all the household duties and he will be loving and caring daily and he will give me first priority etc etc. But I had no hope because he will follow all that for 2-3 months and then back to his original self.

    One thing I learnt is you cannot change people's core character. They are what they are, marriage or kids wont change them. You can beg or threaten and change him for a short while but not forever. Learn to think that it is his personality and move on Or seriously have a talk about separating. You seem to have too much expectations from a man who literally makes no effort. Pls reduce your expectations for your own peace of mind.

    No amount of crying, talking, begging will really help here. He is who he is. At this age he wont turn into a romantic hero. As long as he is not physically, verbally abusing you, you are lucky.
     
    hemakrishnan123, DDream and shravs3 like this.
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    5,269
    Likes Received:
    7,921
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    I’m sure he’s behaved this way in the past and gotten his way. Hence he’s doing this. What if you make it look like his not talking is not impacting you much? Why don’t you go about your life, go meet your friends or go out with your daughter as you did previously? He gets more power only if you let him think that his not talking to you is impacting you in some way.

    If I were you, I would talk to the MIL normally without apologizing too much and continue the status quo with the husband. Call the mil and tell her something casual - how are you? I’m fine. Kids ok. Cooked this today. Blah blah. Ten minutes max and hang up before she can start her tirade(baby can always wake up from nap). Do it when DH isn’t around.

    He needs to learn that he cannot get the things he wants by treating you like a piece of furniture. If you go a week or two without even trying and enjoy your own company for a change.

    Btw, not eating because of a fight? When I’m mad, I cook things that I know I love and rarely cook because nobody eats it. I then proceed to enjoy my favorite foods. Eating for kid? No, eat for yourself. Live a little for yourself. Forget about the man for a while. Do what you’d like to do but normally don’t like because he’s around. Do you like reading? I love reading in the quite and I would curl up with a book or two if I were you. Listen to your fav music with headphones, watch your fav movies on einthusan with headphones(so many good ones recommended here on IL).

    Ignore what he’s telling the child. He’s doing that to get you to react. Your dd is 9 and now able to understand consequences. Instead of telling her that she has a hard 9:00 pm bedtime, tell her that she has a choice to sleep well and wake up fresh or have a hard time at school because of not sleeping. There probably are books around for kids about getting proper sleep. Get her one from the library and have her read it. Instead of getting upset with the spouse and making the child see it, just ignore what she says and bring out the book and read it together at bedtime. Maybe she’ll like spending some time with you during bedtime. You can bond a little with her and discuss other things - school, friends, things that interest her etc.

    I think it’s important that the kid isn’t burdened with her parents conflicts. It’s sad that her dad thinks it’s ok to tell the kid that mom has to do this and that for him to talk to mom. Being a girl, I would worry if my husband did that with our daughter. What kind of a message does it send the daughter? Submit to the man’s will or suffer the consequences? Even if she’s only nine, she’s learning and she will let herself be treated behind closed doors the way she sees her mom being treated.
     
    Mistt, Sinant, yellowmango and 7 others like this.
  9. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    74
    Likes Received:
    65
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    @Laks09 Is right, live for yourself. Dont keep pleading for his love when he is willfully withholding it. Show him that you are your own master and not some piece of crap he can just ill treat and throw around. God Bless
     
    msm likes this.
  10. IL86

    IL86 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    12
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    I read your post and logged in just to reply.

    If I were you I wouldn't apologize to his mom or even talk to her. After enduring so much why do you want to lose your self respect too. You will teach your daughter that being wife you need to surrender and be meek always. Would you accept your daughter being treated this way in future by her husband.

    I am not sure if you are actually ready to divorce now. But as it is you are living like someone who is separated,so don't bend backwards this time.
    Someone who doesn't care if you don't eat for 3 days is not really worth fighting for.

    As someone who is going through difficult times myself I can tell you what I am doing. Me and my husband are going through rough patch regarding in-laws as well, I talk to my husband normally about matters related to my daughter,I am not really expecting any love care from him at this moment. I have also mentioned him since his behaviour with me has not been appropriate I am going to separate when the time is right,means when our daughter is little older. So that has given me time to think how I need to proceed with my life and what exactly should my steps be,I have no definite timeline,but we live separate lives except for daughter's matters.
    This has also put him to introspect himself,so if he needs us he will change or else I will go on my way when the time is right.

    Also I have not right away said divorce,I have just told I will be going when my daughter is so and so age. Even if he wants to separate now he has to wait for timebeing. This step had brought a great difference in me. His indifference make no difference for me now as I know I have an end near sight. If I had in my mind that I am supposed to put up with this behaviour life long I wouldn't survive day to day,it would kill me. So now I am trying to become strong and will see what to do in future.
     
    SinghManisha, DDream and senorita2019 like this.

Share This Page