'Live-in' instead of marriage? Are you sure?

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There is lot of discussion about ‘live-in relationship’. Though I am an old-timer and not fit to comment about this, I am too tempted to express my views.

Love, dating, mating, procreation and separation are not new to any species of life! The world goes on only because of these factors. All species are endowed with certain features that would facilitate procreation so that the life on the planet moves on. What happens if everybody or every animal decides to remain single and become a monk?

It is natural for every person to get attracted to the opposite sex at a particular age. While in the case of other species things go on quite naturally without any social issues (or so we think, because that’s all we understand them or observe them), in the case of humankind, many interventions took place at various times because of the sixth sense that a man is endowed with!

The institutions of family and marriage were born after a lot of experiential studies and thoughts. ‘Civilization’ is very unique only to humankind. No animal or bird is bothered about creating a so-called civilization and no animal or bird is bothered about its lineage or creating empires or nations! They are all the more civilized because they do not fight wars! They may have the fights of survival of the fittest for food or mating but those fights end very soon and no residue is carried forward!

But man was not satisfied in leading such a simple life. He went on to build empires, boss over all other species as also all other men and made life more and more complicated. He said he was getting more and more ‘civilised’, while in fact, he is going in the reverse direction, because all signs of sane civilization are vanishing day by day.

The concept of family has many advantages. The children and elders get secure care in a family. All the members share their joys and sorrows and support each other emotionally, financially, physically and mentally at all times. When many members of a family live together, the cost of living comes down and resources are also saved.

Like-wise, the concept of marriage was born to discipline the society as far as the sexual urge, which is a natural urge for everybody, is concerned. Moreover, in a marriage all the likes and dislikes, comforts and discomforts of two families are taken into consideration. Though marriage is basically to facilitate procreation, there are many by-products of this concept which are beneficial to the society at large. Married couples are responsible to take care of the elders of the family and also groom the children into useful citizens with their help. The experiences of the elders are not wasted. The children learn a lot in such secure families from their parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. The parents are also not loaded with too much of responsibilities, as the elders share some of them. Everybody is finally happy and peaceful, except in certain families where the weaker members are exploited. Now, that happens all over. We cannot take exceptions as examples.

Such a strong school of thought is now being questioned or ignored by certain people. Definitely, for two souls to understand each other and live together, marriage is not a necessity. Trust in each other is more important. Of what use is a marriage, when there is absolutely no compatibility or understanding between couples? However, mere getting together of two souls is not the purpose of a marriage. A marriage attaches many duties and responsibilities to the couple, while in a live-in relationship, there is no such thing. Mature individuals do not need external laws or societal binding to discharge their duties and responsibilities towards people around them, be they in the family or in the community. But such people are very few. Majority of the people carry out their duties more out of fear of societal criticism or law. Hence we see so many cases mounting in the yards of family courts! Such being the case, how far will a relationship without any sort of societal or legal binding be successful in protecting the welfare of all the people, including children?

These are days when children born to married couples are also not very safe because of impulsive decisions of divorce being taken by the adults. Very few of them think of the mental trauma and psychological repercussions that the children face when their parents, whom they trusted 100% and depended upon, separate. Just imagine an innocent child being tossed over from the father’s home to the mother’s home every week! I have seen live cases, where the child has to undergo mental torture in both the places, because the parents will be using the child as the medium to insult each other or abuse each other! Many fathers do not care to even meet the expenses of bringing up the child after they separate from their wives!

Such being the case, we can easily imagine the hopeless situation in which a child would be if born to a couple living together without any formal, legal arrangement! What sort of future citizens will we be producing in such an atmosphere? How will the child get to learn so many values like love and respect to elders, sharing, team spirit, sacrifice, sisterhood/brotherhood, etc.? Of course, the couples entering such an arrangement may shout back, ‘why not, we can also teach our children all those values’. But how many orthodox elders would prefer to stay without any hitches with such couples? Doesn’t this arrangement seem to be a loose pact with no responsibilities attached so that it can be broken at the drop of the hat?

I have met a depressed female who had spent nearly twelve years with a partner without marriage and was then dumped all of a sudden! She was a near mental wreck. Thankfully, she had no children! What if she had? The reason given by her partner for not marrying her was, ‘I cannot take on such a load of responsibilities attached in a marriage’!

It is easy to revolt against all existing systems which have evolved over ages. But who takes the responsibility for the long term effects of such revolutionary ideas on the society?

Our society was much more progressive which permitted even Gandharva vivahaas which were nothing but legalizing a couple’s consummation with a marriage! However, the test of time proved that the best system was a legal marriage, followed by making a healthy family and home.

The concepts of marriage and family have thus been successful in forming healthy societies. We should, therefore, try to protect these institutions. Marriage should not be viewed merely as a set of ceremonies but a social arrangement for bringing two families together.

Sudha Narasimhachar