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Life Going Back To Square One

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by preeti6years, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    In amamarried for 7 years and living with troublesome inlaws as usual. Faced lot of issues created by Mil, bil in this tenure, fought infertility issues and now I am a mother of a baby girl. My husband who initially joined hands with his family later realised few things and started being nice to me. With his support I took a sabbatical in my career while trying to conceive. During that time I was more of a manager of the house than a dil ( do not want to elaborate more on this post now). I felt terrible and though of getting back to work. But by God's grace I conceived and after 7 months I moved to Mom's place for 8 months. Now I have joined back to work which I think mil is not liking. She tries to put me down some way or the other. Initially I used to call her from office to find out how dd is..she just used to say she is fine. Later I used to get to know many things both good and bad from my caretaker. So I stopped calling her. Though I am not ok with the way she feeds my child I just leave it with the gratitude that she monitors dd in my absence. But most of the times she tried to set rules to feed dd which I agreed for few and disagreed few. One of them was giving her solid food in the night at 9 pm. I am strictly against that as she sleeps around 9.30 or 10.00. Along with that she always says my milk is not sufficient. I express milk at office and keep a sufficient stock for her in my absence and I feed her directly when I am at home. For the past two weeks she has consistently uttering these two points to put me under stress. I used to avoid and simply take dd to my room to feed her. Few days back dd got colicky and she threw up couple of times and was crying. To comfort her we were about to take her for a drive. Instead of trying to comfort the baby she started taunting me very badly that baby is crying and vomited because she is starving and I make her starve by not giving food And insufficient milk. Dh argued with her initially. Things started getting worse and I pitched in said that we will speak to doctor and then will decide on all the issues.
    Now my husband all of a suddenly turned against me and said I am very adamant in front of ils. I lost my cool and shouted at him and even inlaws as they were trying to make it bigger.
    Me and dh had a huge fight after this episode during the drive during which he pulled in my family unnecessarily. I fought back. But I am deeply hurt by his words. So much that I am not at all talking to him. He seems to be not bothered at all and me too. His words has left a deep scar in my heart. Unable to digest. Please suggest me what do I do.
     
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  2. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OP

    Time and again.. ILs and others(parents, relatives, friends, strangers... list goes on until aliens) use “ low milk supply” as a weapon.

    There is soo much learning to do in this area.. unfortunately previous gen had less access to resources and easily fooled by the advertising.. and also didnt question back on the authenticity. We are blessed with many avenues to know what is right and what is wrong.

    That being said.. keep aside the problems to had/have with ILs. Think about your kid. Do they genuinely care. I, for a long time had grudge on my MIL that she feeds only milk rice when I am out of food for baby. It took me time to understand that it is a healthy option and completely digestable for baby. I would have struggled to make something, get tired and be fussy while feeding. But my MIL would peacefully feed her as milk rice is easy to mix and baby likes it.

    Also, understand that everyone has their own way to care for the baby as long as they dont have bad intentions. Rifts are expected cuz many are trying to pitch in to help the baby. Have a big heart, take a deep breath and let it go.

    About the shouting at your H. I totally get you. When you are 1 team and H+inlaws the opposite team, you try to show your stronger side and prove your point(after all, you are the mother of the kid). Cant control it. You said what you had to say. Now, move on. Patch up for the sake of kid and give a happy life.

    Also, about the free advices that everyone keeps giving once you have a baby... I realised that the advice is give cuz that person couldnt achieve it and wants us to not fail and achieve it. Ex: my mom used to question abt low milk supply and be behind me to increase supply without understanding that the baby is getting enough. All this because she couldnt feed me cuz of the so called low milk supply.

    One final note, if you want your H in your team, dont shout at him infront of ILs. But confront him when it is just two of you.
     
    Amica, preeti6years and sindmani like this.
  3. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    Hi @YoGirl
    I got your point and agree with it without any denial. I would have been much more happy if mil had adopted healthy options to feed her. I prepare rice khichdi as soft as possible. This lady adds water again boils it strains it through coffee filter and feeds only liquid part with bare hands. My h who talks so much about cleanliness and food contamination can't see all this. My mom gave home made cerelac. She doesn't feed her deliberately. Instead gives store bought cerelac twice thrice. She never gives her any fruits. Now after talking to doc my h opened his eyes On all these issues. Milk supply was never an issue. I keep surplus stock of expressed milk. She doesn't like to feed her with that milk. I keep checking every now and then. My dd will be satisfied after the feed. My h also told doc that there is no supply issue when I asked him. She is just creating her own drama.
    And regarding me shouting at him in front his parents, I am the one who keep telling him to keep issues private. He tries to mock and shout at me sometimes deliberately in front of them just to impress his mom.
    He tried to do the same this time and it back fired him.
     
  4. SonyThumma

    SonyThumma Senior IL'ite

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    Hey Preeti, how are you? Hope things are settling for you. Focus on your kid, and stuff with husbands happens. Im sure in anger you must have said some things you could take back in your past. Think of same way from your husband's point of view. If you are happy 60% of the time in your marriage, you are doing pretty good. Some people go to the extent of divorce, as they are 100% unhappy .. Try to focus on the positives.
     
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  5. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Sony,

    I was not worried of the issue either nor the fight between me and my DH as they keep happening. But what triggered me was he trying to pull my family in this trivial issue. My family tries to remain as much cordial as possible with him and his parents. He used to come weekly twice to my moms place after my delivery. Now again things have changed with his moms brain washing.

    I am unable to believe how he has changed once my deivery phase ended on a happy note.

    And regarding the current situation. I just talk to him regarding dd and maintaining calm
     
  6. GlobetrotterG

    GlobetrotterG Silver IL'ite

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    You have taken your Hubby's and IL's grudges to your heart. So, i think it is really hard for you to forget and forgive them.But remember, this is gonna consume you , and at some point you will lose the bond that you have with your hubby.

    Rather, please focus on the Kid's wellbeing

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    My blog : www.quora.com/profile/Rekha-K-75
     
  7. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Globetrotter,
    To some extent yes. I have forgiven them. But I cannot forget what was done to me all these years. I have taken things silently and suffered for years.
    And yes for now my child is my priority and I dont have any time to think about them. Rest of my time goes at work. I work a little to build the bond with hubby provided he is with proper mind. Else will leave him until he gets normal.
    The thing is I get super annoyed when I think about the drastic change in the behavior of h after coming back to this houese
     
  8. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    I hope you are doing OK now. I have my very good friend who was in a similar situation like yours. MIL used to take care of the baby in the mornings. My friend also struggles in terms of food. But you know, think about it from a logical stand point. Is she someone who would harm the baby in anyway? If the answer is no, I suggest you don’t emphasise too much on how she is feeding the baby.

    When you are going to see the doctor, I think its best if you take your MIL as well with you. She is the primary caregiver in your absence and its only fair that she gets firsthand information from the doctor. That way, when the doctor tells that the baby is gaining good weight, your MIL will also be comforted. As such, even my mom and my MIL always say that my kids are ‘thin’. Their way of showing love is by feeding the kids. When the doctor tells you and her about healthy weight gain, it will benefit both of you.

    You have a common thing between you right now that you dearly love. If possible, try to use that in your favor by involving her in small decisions relating to her grand baby. That way, she will feel included. Looking at the post, I realise that the baby is at least 8-9 months old. By now, even though the main source of nutrition is still mom’s milk, she should be introduced to solids. I personally wouldn’t suggest on fruits until you introduce veggies but its time. She is probably straining it and all that stuff because she is freaked out that the baby will choke…and trust me, these babies behave differently with moms and with others. Have you looked into Baby Led Weaning? If not, do read up a bit and I suggest you book an appointment with an expert and go along with hubby and MIL. She needs to be onboard with you since she is primary caregiver in your absence.

    She is still following her age old techniques which in itself wouldn’t harm the baby but there are better ways. She needs an expert to help her see it; you telling her is only making it worse.
    And give yourself some time. You just joined work and you are a parent who (understandably) want what is best for the child. Unfortunately in a joint family, it becomes difficult, not impossible.
     
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  9. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    Hi @Rakhii
    I am in a kind of cooling down mood at home. But to all myself. I chose not to comprimise with any of them. Anyways that feeding issue is resolved. Me and H have come to an understanding on feeding dd at night. So there is no issue now in this regard.
    As for the rest of things, I personally am not ok with the way the child is being fed in my absence. However I have kept it to myself and not uttered a word to anyone on this. MIL just feeds my dd while I am at work. I have hired a care taker to do rest of the things. MIL just puts up a show of love to dd in front of dh or where ever she thinks she can earn brownie points. Rest of the time she doesn't even look at the child. She outrightly rejects holding the child. I am giving least importance to all these things.

    Yes I try to follow baby led weaning and trying to implement things to dd. I try to make the baby adapt to few things even though it is opposed at home.
    My MIL is not the one who would join me to doc. Anyways we spoke to doc and got clarity on most of the things which I am sure dh would have conveyed her.
     
  10. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    I don't understand why MILs have to say something about the quantity of breast milk . It is not as if it is in the control of mother (DIL) . The most she can do is breast feed or pump as much as she can to keep up the supply .
    I get angry thinking of my own experience with my MIL. It was the day next to the birth of my child and I was still in the hospital. MIL had come to help with the delivery ( although I didn't need any) . One day old baby was uncomfortable and crying almost throughout the 2nd day after birth . My milk hadn't yet fully come in , however colostrum flow was good enough as per the doctor . MiL commented that the baby is crying because my milk isn't sufficient ( lady , first of all , milk hasn't come in yet ) . I felt so bad on hearing her say this . I was expecting her to know that breast milk takes time to come in and everyone has a different supply . What's the use of their experience and years of child - rearing when they have to make such comments.
    Thankfully , mine doesn't stay with me . But in your case , you will have to be the bigger person and ignore such hurtful comments. Don't worry , such things are prevalent among Western people too. MILs are tough nuts everywhere .
     

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