Life After Seperation

Your wife cheated on you and I can understand your pain. But do not make the kids suffer, kids need both parents equally; in worst case, you try to take primary responsibility of kids, as you are the better and more responsible parents.

Cheating in marriage is bad, but abandoning innocent kids is worse. Don't punish the kids- you brought them into this world. Try to recover from the hurt and let your kids be your inspiration to live a positive and hopeful life.

 

@venkiis - 2017 is almost gone .you dont need to abandon them,you can file for joint/shared custody.
Its not just Indians,people of other countries too bear it all for kids' sake.Staying together till they are 18 is or isnt doable is upto you. All the best .

 

i think kids suffer more from witnessing the tension all around in the home.

 

Venki,

I am sorry you are going through a difficult marriage. I am going through divorce myself. Like you I was also scared of divorce, shared parenting etc. My marriage had all the issues of physical and emotional abuse, infidelity, medical issues, trust issues etc. Initially I was scared of divorce, juggling work and life as a single parent. So I started out networking with other divorced parents via meetup groups to find out how the other side looks like. I realized that folks who are going through divorce become vindictive. They end up fighting for money and child custody. But the only winners are the lawyers who bill by the minute. I realized divorce mediation would be a much better option. The mediator is a neutral lawyer who tries to come up with a marital settlement agreement. It is much cheaper to hire a divorce mediator then engage in aggressive litigation.

But mediation requires the cooperation of both parties. My husband absolutely refused to cooperate. Finally I was left with no option but to file divorce. He then quickly agreed to come to the negotiating table. Our guiding principle is that it is better to use the money spent on divorce for my son's college rather then throwing it away at bull shark lawyers. I live in California which is a community property state. So both assets and debt are 50-50. I decided to give my husband 50% custody. He is a good parent and I need his support to continue be working parent. If I am a responsible, working parent he does not have to give me alimony and child support is also minimal. I am willing to be flexible on custody keeping the best interests of my son in mind. So here are my suggestions for you:

1. I suggest you also go through therapy to deal with the hurt feelings. I see that some of the posts here are really irresponsible and insensitive. You alone know the pain you are going through. It is better to raise kids as a single parent then raise them in a bad environment.
2. Your wife definitely seems to be having mental health issues. Is she willing to get help ? It is not a good idea for a depressed parent to raise kids. For the record due to all the stress issues in my marriage I did sink into depression. I did my best to get help.
3. Being in a marriage with infidelity issues is not good. Not even for the sake of kids. We will fail to teach our kids what healthy relationships are like. Why not try to use the cheapest route to get out of marriage ? Pitch the idea of divorce mediation for cost saving.

I hope this helps. I am sorry to hear your having to deal with such a horrible marriage. Best of luck.

Regards,
Kavya.

 

Hmm....one of the things that my husband and I did was have the same gym membership. We both were 24 hr fitness gym members. The gym has good kids club at reasonable rate and we enrolled my son in the kids club. I don' think all counselors are feminists. I tried 3 counselors. I really liked my thrid counselors. But counseling is opening a can of worms. Feels like going and opening our sob story to a third person. How about spirituality ? Did you try to use that as a positive anchor ? Just throwing some ideas. We tried all this to save our marriage.

Regards,
Lakshmi.

 

Being a single parent, you would have to shoulder double responsibilities. If you are not used to it, it might be difficult and tiring at the beginning. But you and children would adapt to it sooner or later. So it is not an issue.

A divorce is a complete separation. Your Ex is no longer a part of your life. Better to wipe out those thoughts and stay away. If the children wants to see him once in a year or so, they csn travel to his place.

Be prepared to handle everything alone. It might be tiring sometimes.

 

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